I am not writing this blog so that you will feel sorry for me. In fact, I am only able to write about this chapter of my life as a result of having learned lessons and having done the hard work of self-reflection; by all accounts an on-going process. One big lesson: do not dwell on who is to blame for your misfortunes. It’s all about looking toward the future. I am happy, looking forward to new adventures, and a hot mess — yes, it’s possible to be all these things at the same time. My hope is that I might help those who feel psychotic, lonely and lost. There is of course the added bonus of empathy from those who know me well or are just getting to know me.
Do people tell you not to worry? “Oh you’re fine; you’ll be alright” I think I may hate that more than people telling me I’m too sensitive. We all know people say stupid things all the time and I’ve learned that, for the most part, they mean well. Self-reflection may be more productive then listening to the advice of people who do not know you. Reflecting on what I was like as a child has always helped me to appreciate where I am today.
As I boy witnessing chaos all around me, I was always certain that it was all happening because of something I had done. I’d like to say that I grew out of that way of thinking. I would like to tell you that my mother sat me down and told me that none of it was my fault or that an elementary school teacher gained some insight into my family life and whispered that I was not to blame. I’m afraid that didn’t happen. Deep down I knew that I was a horrible little boy whose sins were the cause of all the terrible things happening around me. Some kids believe this and they cut themselves; some kids start taking drugs when they are nine years old or drink booze till they’re inebriated at eleven. Some kids take their own lives. I retreated to dark places and hid my shame. I bargained with God so that it would stop.
God, if you make my mom love me, I’ll be good for the rest of my life. If you’ll just make the noise stop, I’ll clean the whole house tomorrow. God, if you make me stop thinking about men, I’ll go to church. Growing up Catholic was confusing; I found myself wanting to repent.
The chaos continued and I continued to find reasons to blame myself and hate myself even more than I already did. This self-loathing went on throughout my childhood. I’ve shared an incident in a previous blog that I frequently recall just to remind myself how much better life is today. On my 10th birthday, before blowing out my candles, my wish was to die before my next birthday. I was too afraid to kill myself, but if I wished hard enough, I was certain I would die. I thought about death a lot when I was a child. In my mind, it was the only way out. I firmly believe that children should not be dwelling on death.
For the longest time I thought it had something to do with my sexuality; or at least that’s what I told my therapist. In retrospect, I think it had more to do with a need that was not being met. As a child, I needed to belong, to be accepted, and to be loved. I’m certain most children feel this way. What was different for me, and I’m sure others, was that since not all of my basic needs were being met, I carried that longing into adulthood and continued to search for belonging, acceptance and love. Often, I looked in the wrong places. There were times when I was so desperate for it, I put myself in a compromising position to have it. What followed was self-loathing and a lot of pain.
Escape came easy during the day; it was at night that the demons were harder to run away from. Looking back, I guess I had pretty good coping skills. I would always tell myself that if I did well in school, my life would improve and it did, by leaps and bounds. I also took myself out of that very negative environment as early on as I could. Being on my own at 16 years old wasn’t easy, but I was free and able to make my own decisions; good, bad or otherwise.
Getting from point disaster to a better place isn’t easy and there is no formula for making it happen. It’s a combination of exercise (physical and mental), goals (long term and short term), meditation, therapy, gratitude, keeping your eyes on the prize, moderation in all things, forgiveness, listening, letting go, being true to yourself, loving yourself, and looking forward — not an exhaustive list. I’d throw a bit of luck in there too.
You put all that down on a list and it’s daunting to say the least. I also try to congratulate myself when I complete a goal and I start projects by taking baby step. If you try to do anything too quickly, you will either do a half-assed job or you will fail. Take it slowly, do the best you can and pay no attention to those who tell you it’s not possible.
You can’t hear me, but I am sighing. I am constantly sighing. The various meanings are below, however, for me, it has been about relief. I am relieved that I no longer (for the most part) feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I intend to be easier on myself, to accept who I am, to be more forgiving of others, to be more grateful, to spend more time resting, to see more of the world and do it with intention, to care less about the things that do not concern me, and to smile/laugh more.
emit a long, deep audible breath expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or similar.“Harry sank into a chair and sighed with relief”
synonyms: breathe out, exhale; More
Troubled Boy to Troubled Man to Loving Myself
Stepping out on a Friday night. I have to remind myself to look in the mirror and smile; keeping in mind that if you are the best version of yourself you can possibly be, well then, you’re okay. Not quite as adorable as the first photo when I was two years old, but none the worse for the wear.
Publishing when I finish a thought rather than waiting until Sunday. I hope that’s okay with my readers. Happy Gay Pride everyone; we’ve come a long way and have an even longer way to go.
7 thoughts on “From Troubled Boy to Troubled Man”
Your story is an all-too-familiar story. There are many of us that have risen from the dysfunction of childhood trauma. It’s the monster that is always there; but it is all about making friends with the monster under your bed. May we all live in peace ☮️.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amen to that!
Your blogs are always so thoughtful, Christopher. I look forward to them every week.
Thank you so much Linda. They’re helping me in a big way 😊
We’ve known each other since we were 7 years old. You always seemed like such a happy little boy. I had no idea that you were fighting so many demons. The day you “came out” to me, we were sitting in an Italian restaurant in Manhattan. You told me “I have something to tell you and I don’t think you will ever feel the same way about me again”. I responded “there is nothing in this world you could tell me that would ever change how I feel about you”. I meant it then, and I mean it now. Knowing now what I didn’t know then has just made me love you even more for who you are and all that you have accomplished. I know it took many years of therapy to get to this point in your life. You’ve worked hard and studied hard and it has paid off for you. My heart breaks for the little boy that I chased around the schoolyard like a puppy dog; but, my heart is full of love and adoration for the man you have become. I think that writing these blogs and putting all those thoughts and feelings down on “paper” is very therapeutic for you. Embrace your life my dear friend. Spread your wings and fly ………
You had me sitting on my sofa thinking about our school yard antics today and I love you for it. Because you know me well, you will remember how much I loved school. Friends like you, my teachers, and being out of my house, were all very positive things as I struggled for happiness. No, I did not share my pain back then, with you or anyone else. Some people saw the pain in my eyes and I was always grateful for their kindness; your mother was one of those few people who knew what was going on in my head. Thank you for your friendship, a friendship that has stood the test of time. There are no words to describe that kind of loyalty and dedication. Our love is pure and will last throughout our lives and it is my hope that you will always know that you are a worthy of that love. Thank you for your words of support and for never giving up on me.
My love and devotion forever…..
LikeLiked by 1 person