Papagni Pages

Category: The Things I’ve Learned

  • Measuring Success Later In Life

    Notice I said later and not late; it isn’t over yet. When you get older you begin to reflect upon the things that truly matter. It’s actually one of those positive life epiphanies you wish had happened sooner, but alas, like so many things, take it when it comes. So I thought I’d share some of these thoughts with you while I have the nerve to do so.

    None of it is gospel or written in stone. One’s truth sometimes only applies to the beholder. If any of this pig’s dookie resonates or seems reasonable, then I’ve met my expectations. If it leaves you feeling confused or pained, then I was right all along.

    Pleasing other people while neglecting your own wishes, is foolish

    This is a silly example, but it’s the one that comes to mind. I like sparkling water when I dine out. Many times when dining out with friends the waitstaff will ask “sparkling or still?” and a friend will answer for the table and say, “we’ll have still.” There was a time I stayed quiet and just drank still water. Now when this happens, I say, “I’ll have sparkling please.”

    When I’m going to dinner with a friend or with family, I try to get consensus for where we will be dining. If we’re in their hometown, I will acquiesce, thinking they’ll know better. In general, I think it’s only fair that there is some equality in the type of food and the place. There are times when someone will need a gentle reminder about who gets to choose. I’m afraid that I’m not always gentle. If you love food as much as I do you’ll understand.

    Denying yourself certain things that make you truly happy, is bad for you

    I know people that deny themselves all that is good because they think it’s bad for you. Of course, there are many things that are bad for you and should be avoided, but . . . there are other things that might be okay in moderation. I will avoid writing about alcohol or marijuana, which might be triggers. I’ll just mention a few things I will never deny myself unless I’m told they will drastically shorten my life: chocolate, snacks while watching a good film, flying to a place I love (I believe if I deny myself the pleasure of travel because airplane fuel is destroying the ozone, then I am a fool. I have tried saving the planet and have discovered it doesn’t work), and buying a movie ticket in a real movie theatre.

    Trust me, if you completely deny yourself that snack or small thing, you will want it more. Moderation.

    Ignore aches and pains and they will eventually go away

    Last year I had a nagging pain on my right side not too far from my stomach. I thought it was bloating or a muscle sprain from the gym. I had other minor issues that I thought may or may not be related. For months I just ignored it — don’t ask me why humans do this. One day the pain lasted the entire day. I knew it wasn’t my appendix because that’s been removed. If it was my pancreas, I didn’t want to know. Well, it was my gallbladder and I had to have surgery. Once I healed, I felt so much better. If something is wrong with you, it won’t just go away. In fact, if an illness goes untreated, it will, more than likely, get worse.

    Having “things” does not necessarily make you happy

    We have been programmed to think that shiny, pretty things will give us happiness. We often believe that if it’s more expensive, it will give us even more happiness. It might be true for a brief period of time, but this kind of happiness doesn’t last. For most, you quickly become bored with whatever it is and you subconsciously desire the next shiny new thing. Except for iPhones, they don’t count. Mind you I’m an Android user with a four year old phone. For some, the newest iPhone is a religion.

    Fussing with your appearance isn’t a bad thing, especially if you do it for yourself

    This is one of those topics that can really piss people off, so I’m going to play chicken and avoid it. But . . . there is one thing I truly believe, if you do anything at all to change your appearance or improve your looks and you’re doing it because it makes you feel better, that’s a good thing. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, fuck ’em.

    If you say or do something embarrassing, people will forget quickly

    We’ve all been there. Open mouth, insert foot and a big piece of humble pie. Every time I do this I die a little. The curious thing is, that people quickly forget whatever it is you might have thought was going to cancel you. I’m not talking about something so horrendous you couldn’t possibly show your face again. I’m talking about a minor faux pas, like calling someone by their wrong name or asking an unmarried person about his or her husband. In your mind you messed up big time, but the person on the receiving end will usually just shrug it off. Hey, we’re all human. I take that back.

    Worrying about what people think is a waste of time and energy

    Oh that I could shed this awful habit. I’ve learned that no matter who you are, what you say, what you do, you will piss people off. Those who will think of you, and it should be said that most do not, will often find a reason to dislike you. I am not so virtuous to claim to have never judged or misjudged another. In fact, I believe I’m as guilty as the next guy. All the more reason to believe this truth: the best you can do for yourself and everyone else, is to follow your own path. Be who you want to be and do what you want to do. Those who like, or if you’re lucky enough, love you, will accept you for who you are. When you catch a glimpse of this reality it’s both freeing and comforting. As I stated earlier, I’m only partway there.

    What does success look like?

    I recall sleepless nights cramming for exams at university. Sitting in my dorm room poring over notes while my friends were out partying. When I think about my youth, my one big regret was not having more fun. I do think getting good grades is important, but getting into the “right” school might not be. In fact, I interviewed with several employers who specifically avoided ivy league graduates. I don’t think it’s important to guess why that might be. I won’t lie, my New York University Ph.D. opened doors, but I’m fairly certain other lesser known, less expensive schools would have been good enough.

    Back then, success was all about prestige, a high salary, and a title. I wish I’d known back then, that a mid-management decent salary would have meant a less stressful, possibly happier life. Spending time with people I loved and enjoyed, would probably have provided more meaning than twelve hour workdays. And emailing my boss and co-workers while on vacation didn’t make me a better person. If I could reset my career, there are two major things I would change: first, I’d do more research on my potential employers, and second, I’d leave the job as soon as it became intolerable. The only thing I gained by staying was stomach issues and prolonged resentment. And co-workers who judged, shunned, or betrayed you? Let it/them go.

    Older man measuring a tree with a portrait and journal tied to its trunk

    If you’re thinking, “Why is everything one big joke with him?” Well, for me, it is. Half of what I’m thinking is bullshit and the other half is my shit. It’s my coping mechanism to keep it in perspective. Do what works for you.

    State-of-Mind

    It’s taken me weeks to state this with confidence: I’m in a good place. I am still grieving over Paco, but now my thoughts are mostly pleasant memories of him doing the things he loved most. I’m back to traveling and making good choices. A clear head is a welcome state indeed.

    I go back and forth with regards to my beliefs about people in my life reading my posts. I want so badly to say it doesn’t matter. I guess, in part, because I believe it shouldn’t matter. But then I consider how I am toward people in my life I care about (very dangerous thoughts) and it leads me to believe that people that have the capacity to support you, should support you. I add the “capacity” caveat because I believe there are times in our lives when we deserve a pass from everyone. If you’ve lost someone in your life and you’re grieving, if you’re very ill, if you just lost your job, if you’re in the middle of a massive move, and other stressful or traumatic experiences, then in my mind (and heart), you deserve a pass. Writing is my passion, self-expression, my way of sharing my beliefs and feelings. If you say you love me or care about me, show me. The people I’m speaking to are not reading this and that my friends, is one of the riddles of life.

     “We rise by lifting others.” – Robert Ingersoll

  • When Wanderlust Starts to Fade

    Wanderlust (often misspelled as wunderlust) is a strong, deep-rooted desire to travel, roam, and explore the world.

    If you know me, you know that I spend way too much time analyzing my thoughts and how others react to me. Why am I anxious about this, why did she say that, should I speak to him about it? Overthink much? Sixty-seven years of manic thinking is exhausting and unnecessary, but it’s my reality. Lately, the subject of travel has occupied way too much of the space between my ears.

    I’m sure many of you have experienced the following:

    Airport and Airplane Angst

    The business of arriving hours before a flight, sitting idle at the gate or spending way too much money for a cocktail, makes me crazy. I’ve actually done all that, was first on line for boarding and then refused boarding because there was an airplane change and the entire row of “C” seats no longer existed. It cost me over 1,200 euros to get home that day and I was not reimbursed a single penny. Now if that doesn’t make you want to stay at home, I’m not sure what would.

    I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, however, it feels like every time I fly, I shave years off of my life. The baby crying for eight hours as we cross the Atlantic, the guy who smells like he dumped a bottle of cologne over his head at Duty Free, the woman sitting by the window who has to pee every 30 minutes, and the drinks cart that’s been slammed into my left shin three times on a single flight. One more thing before I leave this topic:  whenever they announce quarterly profits for the major airlines, I lose my cool. These days you buy your ticket and then they nickel and dime you for everything from water to a seat on the airplane; then you learn they added billions to their coffers. Aren’t we all so pleased for them?

    Hotel Room Regret

    Have you ever checked into a hotel room and discovered the shower stall was designed for small children? You book the room on a site with photos of the rooms, listing different categories. You make sure you’ll have a decent size shower and what you get is a miniscule stall or a bathtub. You know asking for another room is out of the question, so you squeeze into the stall and proceed to wash only the upper half of your body because your arms can’t go further than your waistline. My favorite is when they have a sink big enough for a pig bath and a teeny tiny shower. Sometimes, this is the smallest of your grievances.

    In Europe, you can count on two twin (or smaller) beds that are pushed together. God forbid you move in the middle of the night, you could end up on the floor or hanging on to the edge for dear life. Even better, when the bed is so soft you cannot move left or right or worse, when the sheets actually scratch your skin. I once had a hotel clerk tell me that it’s been proven that polyester is better for a good night’s sleep. I rest my case.

    Travel Scams

    Scams of all kinds exist everywhere. This is unfortunately a by-product of the digital world we live in. The problem with scams in another country is that you are unaware of their existence. For example ATM machine scams. There are multiple ways you can be cheated at the ATM machine, causing you angst whenever you dare to use one and of course, it would be difficult not to use one when you travel.

    There are also credit card and debit card scams and that too is something to watch out for. And nowadays, nobody takes cash. You can’t use your credit card and you’re shit out of luck.

    I’ve heard of people renting rooms or apartments online using various booking sites, only to arrive and learn that the booking was an on-line scam. You’re standing there with three suitcases and the apartment doesn’t exist. It’s really important to use a reliable booking site.

    Unfortunately, the number of bad actors out there is only growing. Taking precautions and being hyper vigilant, are your only comforts.

    Illness Abroad

    I’m sure people ask themselves why they had to break their leg in Croatia or why Bronchitis welcomes you to Thailand? It seems inevitable that you will end up with some debilitating illness at some point in your travels. I remember missing a bus because of food poisoning in London. It’s a horrible feeling, elevated by your distance from home. How many trips have you had to cancel because you were either ill or a future illness was a strong possibility?

    Irrational Fears Realized

    You’ll know these fears: losing your passport, missing your flight, stranded with no battery life and no cash, no hotel rooms available after a flights been cancelled, a big fight with your travel partner in a foreign country, having your pet placed in quarantine at the airport, the wheel breaking on your bag as you walk the last mile to the airport; the list of possibilities is endless. How do you prepare? How do you respond? Will it prevent you from booking a flight? Will it kill you?

    Joyful Moments and Memories

    There have been moments while traveling when I thought that what I was experiencing was the height of visual stimulation. There are too many to name them. Or a meal that was transformative. I guess as I am typing these thoughts, I have found my answer: Yes, it is worth all of the aforementioned pain and suffering. Perhaps it is all of that angst that led me to that feeling of elation and awe when I’ve traveled. In summary, I guess I will travel until I can no longer travel, but perhaps, staying closer to home most of the time is the best plan.

    Map, compass, journals, and vintage postcards arranged on a wooden table

    “Travel is still the most intense mode of learning.” — Kevin Kelly

    State-of-Mind

    Loss is so fucking hard. It’s probably the loneliest form of suffering. Still, there is a reason they say, “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I’m not even going to bother looking up who this pearl of wisdom came from. What does “stronger” mean?

    Am I stronger? It’s difficult to say. One thing is for certain and that is that I can survive grief. I have lost both my parents, several siblings, close friends, and beloved pets and here I am. They are all a big part of my conscious thinking; my sense of self. They guide me and protect me. So in all of these ways, I guess I am stronger; certainly blessed with incredible memories.

    I have been working on letting go for over 30 years. One has to believe change is possible even when it feels like you’re climbing Mt. Everest and the peak never seems any closer. I’ve decided that I’m not giving up.

    “Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”

    — W.C. Fields

    “It’s better to look back on life and say, ‘I can’t believe I did that,’ than to look back and say, ‘I wish I did that.’”

    — Unknown

  • Growing Old Minus the Graceful Part

    Oh this is going to be fun.

    I’ve written about growing older before, but I held back in the past; not this time.

    The most awful thing about being a man and being past 50, is prostate problems. I’m not comparing it to menopause or any other female aging realities, so please don’t throw stones. I understand that prostate issues are extremely common for men over a certain age, leading me to believe that many of you will relate to this. The urge to pee many times day or night; the feeling that you haven’t evacuated completely, the fear of prostate cancer, the taking of meds to get any sort of relief, and the trickling of urine in six directions when you urinate — all horrible and unpleasant. Sleep, when your bladder is waking you, adds complications to an already elusive reality. I’m convinced a scientist or doctor somewhere has found a cure for prostate enlargement and cancer, but big pharma is keeping it from old dudes like me — it’s an industry worth billions; therefore a solution isn’t happening anytime soon.

    The next worst thing is the aches and pain everywhere. Yes, yes, yes, I’d still rather be alive than dead, but that’s not my topic this week. The joints hurt, the back aches, the tendons are tight, the knees click, the hernia causes soreness, the ears itch, the blood in the legs doesn’t circulate, and looking in the mirror at that big bald head hurts your ego. And again, there is little you can do about it.

    One day, can’t say which day; it may have been 200 days in a row that all meld into one. You look in the mirror and realize that the only part of your body not sagging is your pinky finger on your right hand. There is excess skin everywhere and it ain’t pretty.

    It’s difficult to admit this to yourself, but you get tired. I’ve done a personal survey of all the older men I know and they all confess that at some point during the day they run out of steam. It makes sense, you just don’t have the energy of a 25 year old. If you partake in activities that are strenuous, you will get tired sooner than you once did. Naps are great, I highly recommend them.

    One thing that doesn’t happen to all older men, however, it can happen if you fail to do something about it. After leaving your career or job, you could end up feeling a loss of purpose. Doing something meaningful with your life is essential for maintaining the desire to live. Personally, I don’t think watching TV or scrolling social media cuts the mustard.

    Most of the garbage I’m spewing is universally true for many older men, but there is one particular thing that might only be true for gay men of a particular era and/or gay men who were closeted for a good part of their adult lives. If you hid your sexuality from the world for a long time and then consequently came out late or have never come out — more gay men than you’d think — you might be very envious of today’s young gay men.

    From the outside looking in, young people appear uninhibited and perhaps sexually active early on. Obviously not true for some and not prevalent in certain parts of the world. But if you only got to be out for a small portion of your life or late in life, you’d be envious of today’s youth in a large part of the world. This could be a blog post by itself, but I fear that speaking for others might be inappropriate. So much of the activities of this sub-population is kept hidden for obvious reasons.

    The “invisible” factor can be painful if one lacks self-esteem. Studies showing how older people are often ignored or discounted in society, is heartbreaking. I feel it sometimes, but as an introvert, in many ways I welcome the anonymity.

    Some of the annoying things my fellow elders choose to keep hidden: hair that grows in the wrong places, body tags, thinning skin, excess gas (a lot of it), multiple medications designed to regulate all of the functions that are out of control or disruptive, and of course the loss of hearing, sight, and necessary lubrication. And there’s more that might plunge you into deeper depression.

    Losing people you love is a harsh reality as you age. Friends and family who have been a part of your life for a very long time. The feeling of loss is profound and heavy. Does it make you stronger? I don’t think so, I think it makes you sad and sometimes lonely. I recall a conversation with my 87 year old father before he passed. He told me that losing people he loved was the worst part of aging. He had eight siblings and I believe he was the last to go. I don’t know if you can ever prepare for that kind of pain. Losing a life partner or your own child, unimaginable.

    There are a few realities that are actually positive, at least for me. The first is work drama. I don’t miss it at all, none of it. The second is libido, as in there is none . . . gone, zip, only a faint memory. I’d rather this than thoughts of sex all day everyday, don’t miss that.

    Eight older adults seated together around a coffee table in a sunny lounge
    This scenario may be more pleasant than you might think.

    It’s easy to allow all of the unpleasant actualities to ruin your day, but that doesn’t have to be the case. I’m embracing it all; celebrating survival and good health. There will be further posts on aging, as I age further — I guarantee it!

    A friend of mine posted this and I laughed out loud. I hope you appreciate it as much as I do.

    State-of-Mind

    I’m a difficult person, but I’m fully aware of it. I know that I challenge people who treat me poorly. I know that I sometimes lack tolerance and put people off. There are more awful traits I own, that I don’t really need to name, because I know who I am and you don’t have to know everything about me. If I further state that I am working on being a better human, that’s only half true. I know that sometimes I cannot and will not hold my tongue. I know that cheering for the underdog is not always popular or wise. I know that people who I thought were friends, have walked away from me and people who judge me, speak ill of me when I’m not around. I’m so happy to say, these people no longer matter to me (I lie I tell myself). What matters to me are those individuals who love/like me for who I am: the good, the bad, and the pompous. Stick by me and I’ll be loyal and true.

    I’m trying to avoid being an angry, bitter, reclusive old man by acknowledging what has already begun or what is coming. I might be able to develop coping mechanisms, store up some patience, and make the best of all of it.

    No quote this week, I’ll let these be my last words for now.

  • The Balancing Act: Speak Up or Stay Silent?

    I admit this post is a mind dump.

    I keep a journal. If I were to look back over the past forty years, I have no doubt that I have written ‘keep your mouth shut’ 698 times, at a minimum. At this point I should just accept defeat, but it’s not in my nature to do that. In keeping with my list making proclivities:

    • When you speak your truth you risk having the person you are speaking to declare that your truth is not a shared truth.
    • What you share might be perceived as confrontational, therefore, angering the recipient.
    • Bringing up an issue can cause a problem to explode; becoming larger than intended.
    • Not sharing can cause resentment because the problem will not usually go away on its own.
    • You might share a confidence only to learn the information has been shared with others.
    • Not sharing may mean trust issues with others who sense that you are not being forthcoming about “stuff.”
    • Sometimes small issues fade away and lose their importance. For example, you are upset with someone because you’ve done something significant for them and they have not said, “thank you.” Time goes by and they share their gratitude about something unrelated. You may come to realize that the person may believe that they’ve already expressed their gratitude or they might be so caught-up in major concerns, that relaying thanks unintentionally slipped their mind. Forgiveness is essential, but grace isn’t always easy. A sincere thank you has always been a requirement for me.
    • Your thoughts can become distorted over time. It’s human nature to fill in blanks and see only what we desire to see. Speculation can be a disaster.
    • It’s important to first consider who the recipient of your words is — is it someone you trust and care about? If the answer is “no” for either or both, you should consider keeping it to yourself. One of the reasons I journal, make an entry and move on.
    • Do you have a proven track record with the individual who will hear your words? Some relationships are built on speaking your mind. A foundation can become stronger and more durable (or it can crumble to the ground).
    • Can you live with yourself if you decide not to share? For example, you suspect your best friend’s boyfriend of cheating. You might have irrefutable proof, but you have to ask yourself if you are prepared for the reaction you might or might not get.
    • You firmly believe a friend is an alcoholic. Is it up to you to get them help or guide them to assistance? Is remaining quiet even possible for you? Is it fair to discuss the issue with others who are close to the individual? Are you willing to risk losing a friend or family member? If a person doesn’t recognize that they have a problem, you will probably fail in convincing them. I have always found this to be a difficult dilemma. You can of course apply this to any substance abuse.
    • You may be wrong. You need to be prepared to learn that and make an apology.
    • Politics has become a hot button for many. I don’t mind sharing my POV, but I know my leftist woke values can be controversial.
    • If you know your words will not be heard or considered, why bother?

    Obviously, not an exhaustive list. I’m more consumed by outcomes than I believe is healthy. I admire people who question their thoughts, shrug and move on. As I stated earlier, that’s not who I am. My sister recently told me that she was listening to some great communicator who said, “Don’t spend too much time thinking about what others think of you. These people are more than likely not thinking about you at all.” I’m paraphrasing, but I think I captured the gist of what she was trying to convey. Yes, I do believe there is some truth to this, I think most of us care a great deal about what others think; especially when we respect and value these individuals. As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I care less. Retirement has a way of helping you set boundaries, manage priorities, and dwell on things a bit less.

    This took time: I couldn’t care less what certain faculty members I worked with thought or still think of me, because I have little or no respect for many of them. It’s like believing something a liar says; if a liar lies most of the time, why would you think the one thing you know is probably a lie, might be true just because they said it?You’re giving the liar too much credit. I should also be clear that there were many that I did respect and admire.

    Caring about the little things a little less probably has something to do with knowing that you have already lived more than two-thirds (or more) of your life.

    Please share other scenarios where speaking up or staying quiet might be a consideration.

    State-of-Mind

    I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in a funk. There are several things happening around me that are beyond my control. I’m a fixer. If I cannot fix something or improve upon a situation, it makes me anxious, so . . . I’m anxious now. And this too shall pass.

    I love spring and early spring has come to southern Portugal; birds are singing and flowers are blooming. I’m hoping nature will lift me up. I’ve never suffered from depression; however, I occasionally go down a dark rabbit hole. I know the only way out is to switch to more positive thoughts and practice gratitude. I realize that I have a great deal to be grateful for.

    “The best use of creativity is imagination. The worst use of creativity is anxiety.”  ― Deepak Chopra

  • Prepared or Overplanning?

    Those of you who know me will just read this with a knowing smile. Hopefully this blog will help you understand the decisions I make. If you don’t know me, you may read my content and relate to how my brain works or you may think me mad. I often have to remind myself that we are all wired differently. I have a neighbor who is 97 years old and in the hospital in Faro for the second time in a few weeks. I’m fairly certain he will not make it out. I’ve known this man since arriving in Portugal and I have observed him with fascination and awe. He lived in a house nearby until a few years ago; I spent time with him in his former residence; wine, a few meals, some laughter. His father was one of the individuals responsible for building the building I live in. Apparently he wanted to build a home on the building’s corner lot and the city would only allow a high rise. So he built a large seven story structure in the 60’s that is now part of the city’s historical register; the building garnering multiple architectural awards. I feel fortunate to reside in this building. He and his partner decided to move into an apartment he had been leasing to someone else. On the day he moved in, I went out onto my terrace and I observed him helping the movers carry boxes and other belongings into the building. I couldn’t help but be blown away by this. A few days later, I got off the elevator and I found him on the lobby floor filling a small hole in the marble. The man was 93 years old. That level of care for the common area where we reside got me thinking about my own intentions and what I am most passionate about.

    I know that every human is different: how we see the world, how we navigate life, and how we think about ourselves in relation to the rest of society. I know that nature and nurture play a major role in our orientation to the world. When I look at this man, I see someone who is 100% invested in every aspect of life. When he is not in hospital, he conducts experiments, he enjoys eating, doing so slowly and with delight, he shops, he listens to music, etc. This is how he was only months ago, I can only imagine what he was like as a young man. When his light is extinguished, we will have lost a rare human indeed. Back to how this relates to me.

    In some ways I am young — well compared to him I am. Still, when I think about my life, I consider this my final chapter. I have no idea why I am this way. I have mentioned in an earlier blog post that I purchased a term life policy when I was ten years old. I paid the premiums with my allowance. To be fair, because of my age it was only a dollar a month, but looking back, I think it was a bit premature to have such a policy. I didn’t want to leave my mother with debt. Lulu just laughed at me hoping it was just a phase; it wasn’t.

    I continue to plan way too early. When I was 12 years old I flossed so that I’d still have my own teeth later in life (was repulsed by my father’s false teeth sitting in a glass in our shared bathroom). I had a bank savings account when I was 13. Trust me it only had a few dollars in it. The bank used to give you a little book, the teller made handwritten entries when you made a deposit or withdrawal. I mostly saved for Christmas gifts. I started paying rent on an apartment when I was 17 years old; I didn’t like giving my money to a landlord, so I saved for my own place. I knew in high school that I wanted a Ph.D. I didn’t really understand what it was, but I knew that if I was to get one, it would mean something . . . and it does.

    There are many other examples of this kind of compulsive behavior; perpetually trying to get ahead of what might come my way. The operative word there is “might.” It’s pretty obvious that a life insurance policy at 10 years old was not practical, I should have been buying toys or candy. The big question is: Is it helpful or hurtful to look so far into the future and anticipate one’s needs? I imagine the answer is that it is both.

    For example, being determined to earn a higher degree was very positive. I didn’t really have the acumen for a Ph.D., trust me it’s true. What I had was grit and determination and that’s what got me through it. Had I not thought seriously about it early on, I would never have gotten the grades needed to be accepted into NYU’s doctoral program. I kept my head in the books when everyone I knew was dancing the night away. Do I have regrets? Yes, in truth I think my desire to succeed academically meant that I pushed too many things to the side. I normally don’t like to play the coulda, shoulda, woulda game, but since I’m writing about it . . . I feel like I missed out on a lot of fun as a young person (excluding sports which I didn’t like because I was uncoordinated and bullied).

    Hanging out with friends, sleepovers, weekend trips, concerts, and all of the other things young people did back then were not a part of my world, because I was too serious. I’m not sure what came first: being an introvert and, therefore, avoiding group interaction or spending so much time studying, I became a loner. I’m not sure it truly matters. I’ve come to accept who I am, the good, the bad, the insane.

    The danger is that I will look into the future and decide that the obvious next stage of my life is to stay in, read, watch streamed films or series, eat, drink, rinse and repeat. I’ve already trimmed my travel schedule because getting on an airplane has become such an unpleasant and unpredictable experience. I’ve decided to mostly stick with brief, local experiences. The States is the furthest away I will travel and I will only travel there in order to see the people I love.

    I’m fortunate to have friends who put up with my excessive planning. I’m sure that some will humor me and go along with plans for a trip over a year out. I’m certain others talk about how anal retentive I am behind my back. No matter, as they say, “It is what it is.”

    The question is, will I plan for my own death? I’m pretty certain I will (probably because I already am). I am too much of a control freak to allow someone else to decide on the details.

    Things I do to prepare:

    • my bedroom for sleep in the early afternoon (shades, pull back duvet, lighting)
    • several meals days in advance. I love the anticipation
    • I start to pack about 10 days before a trip
    • If I know I’m about to have a difficult conversation with a professional (i.e., attorney, doctor), I take notes prior to our meeting
    • I started taking supplements for middle and old age when I was in my early twenties
    • I’m usually the first to RSVP
    • I’m usually waiting for people at a restaurant or meeting place
    • I did a living will in my 30s
    • I look at the weather 10 days ahead (as you know, it often changes)
    • I used to lay out my outfit the night before. I stopped doing this because I don’t care about what I’m wearing anymore.
    • I save addresses in Google Maps long before a trip.
    • I replace things in my pantry and cleaning supplies closet long before I run out. When I die, someone will inherit paper towels for a lifetime and enough tuna to feed Japan.
    • I used to remove my guest’s plates from the table while others were eating. I’ve since relaxed a bit.
    • 90% of the time I tell my guests it’s time to leave. I usually use walking Paco as the reason, but most people are smarter than that.
    • There are things that I’m too embarrassed to include here.

    State-of-Mind

    Paco update:

    For those of you following Paco’s health issues, I thought I’d let you know how he’s doing. His prognosis is extremely involved and precarious, so I’m not going to say much. A bacterial infection in his outer ear spread to other places. His treatment began in early March 2025 and it’s been a physical roller coaster ever since, causing the two of us a good deal of grief — Paco pain and discomfort and me, doubts about medical procedures and of course, concern for his future. He’s been on eight different medications, four antibiotics administered three different ways, steroids, painkillers, dietary supplements, and he’s had three surgeries in the last two months. He had a procedure on Friday that may or may not have helped; I won’t know for a week or two. In the meantime, I’m giving him daily injections of his forth antibiotic and local antibiotics (this treatment being our last hope). I’ve never been through anything quite like this; it has taught me patience and more about bacterial infections than I care to know. This particular bacteria is known to resist most if not all antibiotics. I wish I could say more about it. I appreciate those around me who have provided support and comfort.

    Further update (since I started this blog): his vet says she sees signs that Paco is finally responding to the treatment, but I hear congestion in his lungs and it worries me.

    I’m taking a quick trip to the Loire Valley in southwest France to clear my head a bit. Stepping back has always been good for me. I think when you’re in the thick of something for an extended period of time, you sometimes lose perspective.

    I will go back to short stories very soon. I just needed a little break.

    “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius 

  • Understanding Immigrant vs. Expat: Perspectives on Relocation

    A brief diversion from my short story posts

    I’m using the word “immigrant” throughout this piece, versus expat, because many believe that individuals who have relocated to a foreign country use that word as if expats are superior in some way to immigrants. It’s all about perception and marketing.
    expat noun

    1. a person who lives outside their native country.

    immigrant noun

    1. a person who comes to live permanently in a foreign country.

    I think the angry sentiment has a lot more to do with how immigrants are being perceived and treated throughout the world. Let us not forget that many individuals fleeing their home country have very little choice but to leave. People like me leave the United States for many reasons, however, they are not leaving due to ethnic cleansing, bombs being dropped on their homes, the inability to feed their children or themselves, religious persecution, and other unfortunate possibilities. To be void of compassion for these people is horrific. The absence of empathy in our time is astonishing.

    I’m writing this piece for two reasons: first, people often say to me, “You are so fortunate not to be living here right now,” or second, “If things were different, would you come back?” I want to respond to both candidly. At first I thought I’d be setting myself up for ridicule and judgment, but in the end, I don’t really give a shit what people think of my responses/explanation. This is my platform for self-expression and I will continue to share what’s on my mind. That’s not to say I don’t care about what people think; I do. But if I’m being honest about what is in my heart and I am judged for it, that lands in the “that’s your opinion box,” In the end, it’s a whole lot healthier to refrain from listening to people who might be righteous, jealous, or brainwashed. When you lay down your head at night and you think about your actions, there truly is one person you answer to. If you’re religious, you might answer to god. As a non-believer, I answer to myself.

    Why Did I Leave?

    As with many things in life, it’s a multi-faceted, complicated, explanation.

    First and foremost, after years of travel and discovery, it was always my intention to experience a new place that is vastly different: including language, culture, cuisine, art, music, landscape, etc. I never felt tied to one place, ever. Whenever I was living in a place and I began to feel that it might no longer be a good fit, I would move on. Why that feeling might happen is also complicated. I would have to say much of it is on me: restlessness, resentful of the behavior of people around me, financial strain, career choices — all have had an impact on my past decisions and may affect future decisions.

    I loved Brooklyn, however, a work situation became untenable, therefore I quit the job. I relocated to Maine knowing that in order to remain in Brooklyn, I would need a high salary position which would only lead to more stress and health issues. I started a consulting business in Maine which took-off after three years. I was enjoying new friendships and the liberal attitudes in Portland, but when Donald Trump was running for president the first time (2016), I vowed to leave the country if he won. I was naive and jaded due to the places I had recently lived and the people I surrounded myself with. When Trump won, I immediately began the process of leaving the U.S. I would have moved to Europe eventually; therefore, in my mind I was just speeding things up a bit.

    Why Portugal

    At the time of my decision, Portugal was quickly becoming the number one place for individuals seeking a better life in a foreign country. There were tax and other incentives, further, acquiring a visa was not as difficult a process as it has become. Portugal is in a much stronger place economically and its citizens have had enough with the influx of people who buy up properties at a premium and receive tax breaks. I definitely can understand their resentment. On the other hand, immigrants have helped Portugal become more economically independent. In addition, vast infrastructure and aesthetic improvements have been made. Many Portuguese people would argue that these improvements have come at too high a cost; in fact, some believe that the overall quality of life has not improved, but has worsened. That’s a debate for people who know more about these things. I like to think that I add value to the overall quality of life.

    I chose Portugal because of its close proximity to the U.S., its beautiful culture (music, cuisine, landscape, history), and its warm and gracious people. I’ve never looked back. In my heart I believe it was the best decision of my life . . . after coming out of the closet.

    How I am Treated

    The Portuguese people who are curious about my decision, often ask me the same question: Why did Americans put Trump in Office? He’s not very well liked by most citizens of Portugal and they don’t feel that they get honest answers from the media or Portuguese Politicians. Portugal has a long standing friendship with the United States; politically, poking the bear is not an option. When people find out I’m from New York, they are confused about why I would live in a place like Faro. Most are thrilled that I love their small city. For many in Portugal, New York City is a dream (just based on feedback I receive, not verified data).

    Many Americans no longer agree with what the Lady in the Harbor stands for.

    How I Feel About Being An Immigrant

    I know it’s not practical and could never be the case, but still, I believe everyone should be allowed to live anywhere. Criminals, individuals who’d rather live off of others, and people who enjoy making others miserable, should have their privilege revoked. Who decides all that is one of the reasons it probably wouldn’t work.

    I moved to Portugal because I have the means to do it. My roots in the United States are not deep. Friends and family can travel; also I do reluctantly go back every now and then. I know that there are people in the U.S. who firmly believe that I have abandoned my country and there are people in Portugal who believe I don’t belong here. As a gay man, I have always felt like an outsider, making dealing with these types of people easier. If you don’t like me or you don’t appreciate what I stand for, kindly go back into your own lane. I have developed some beautiful friendships with people here, but in truth, I will never really know what non-friends think of me.

    I enjoy going to the market and attempting to speak Portuguese to the vendors. They correct me and laugh with me and I love that. I get very excited when I’m driving in a roundabout and I realize I’m in the correct lane (it’s an art form). I love discovering new dishes I have not tried before. Believe it or not, sometimes I take an eight minute, nine euro Bolt to Faro airport one hour before an international flight — only if it’s a 6:00 a.m. flight (first flight of the day). I breeze through security and I’m at the gate in 15 minutes. I love when there’s live Portuguese music at the outdoor local market on a blue sky day. Fortunately, the Algarve averages 300 days of sunshine a year. I laugh when Algarvians talk about rush hour traffic. “It took 20 minutes to get home instead of the 10 minutes it takes on a Saturday.” And imagine how awful it is to have to circle your block once or twice to have to find free parking near your apartment. One of my favorite things is paying seven euros to see a film and not having to wait in line at the cinema (and popcorn is five euros, not ten). I know it’s directly correlated to salaries and the Portuguese economy, but I don’t mind the benefits. There are so many upsides to being an immigrant in Portugal, I can’t possibly name them all. I recently learned that Portuguese people hate when anyone says Portugal is cheap and I can’t say I blame them. It’s all relative.

    I’m not rubbing your nose in it. I’m sharing these things because people are often curious. It’s human nature to want to know. Except for some individuals who can spend three hours sitting next to you at a dinner party and not ask you a single question about yourself. There are a few people from the States here who are like that. Unfortunately, they are too self-involved to see it. I’m not bitter, no.

    Sure there are some negatives: Americans who will only interact and be friends with other Americans, people who relocate to Portugal and never attempt to learn Portuguese. “Why should I learn Portuguese when the Portuguese prefer to speak English?” That one really gets my goat. Or “I don’t understand why they don’t carry Tylenol here.” So many of these kinds of comments. The Portuguese (generalization, my apologies) are very private people. They enjoy their families, they drive fast, they’re often too proud to admit they might be wrong, but they will run to your aid in a quick minute, they will greet you with a smile, and they will not judge you based on your socio-economic status. Healthcare is excellent and reasonable, car insurance is reasonable, and milk and eggs are reasonable. Sorry, I couldn’t help but throw in some more positives and I didn’t say cheap.

    You know you’re in the right place when you have no desire to live somewhere else. I came to Faro with the knowledge that I could always go back to the U.S., that I could move to a different European country if I wanted to, or I could move to a different place close to where I live now. For the first time in a very long time, I am content to stay right where I am. I know that if I’m dissatisfied with something I can speak up. But more often I think, I am a guest in a country that has welcomed me in, it is better to behave like a guest and graciously accept some of the very minor inconveniences. I hope that answers your questions. If not, drop me a line.

    Eight years in Faro.

    The beautiful view from my terrace. The Ria Formosa with the Atlantic Ocean beyond it.

    Current State-of Mind

    My sister passed this week. I have now lost five out of 10 siblings: three half and two from the same two parents. I never felt that it made a difference, half or whole. When you share your life and love from the very beginning, it’s the same. I want to honor AnnMarie by acknowledging the sacrifices she made for me, my brother and sisters, her partners and her children. She was strong but insecure, intelligent but unbending, and she was full of joy much of her life; her laugh was contagious and I loved her for it. I hope her four daughters and six grandchildren find peace in her passing.

    I would like to have a break from the reminder that life is temporary and that we are not guaranteed another moment, let alone another day.

    Paco had surgery to address a serious and sometimes deadly bacteria; he is fighting hard, but I fear he is not improving. I’ll write more when he is out of the woods.

    Walking away from toxicity and deliberate hurtfulness, has been a difficult challenge. Until about six months ago, I didn’t feel that I was making very much progress. I’m comfortable reporting that I am taking care of myself these days. And hey, on the flip side, for those not giving up on me, thank you. I’m no piece of cake.

    “Loving life is easy when you are abroad. Where no one knows you and you hold life in your hands all alone, you are more master of yourself than at any other time.” – Hannah Arendt

  • Coping with Politics: Finding Peace Amid Chaos

    Keep in mind: my thoughts, not gospel, not all based on fact, and not meant to persuade or dissuade. Merely suggestions for getting through the muck & mire.

    First and foremost, no matter how bad it gets — and it will get worse, I cannot allow what is happening in the United States or the world, to drag me down. I honestly believe Trump and his sycophants are attempting to distract, exhaust, confuse, and lead us to helplessness. To the point where many will just give up or even worse give in.

    Next, I realize as a childless, older adult living abroad, American politics has less impact on my life, then it does for others. Having said this, I would also add that the influence of American Politics is felt throughout the free world. Further, any discrimination, stripping of basic human rights, corruption, and/or abuse of power, directly impacts my life.

    Some ways that I have learned to cope (in no particular order):

    • By filtering all that I read, see, and hear. There is currently a lot of noise, news, and opinions about the Trump era. Some of it is of course factual and has grave consequences. To be well informed, one must be certain to sort out what is hearsay or false. I feel empowered by standing with those that know what they are talking about.
    • I cannot control those members of my family that have decided to stand by and support this administration. I can, however, distance myself from them and/or insist that they not try to persuade me to join them.
    • When you are in pain or discomfort, the best thing you can do is find a healthy way to soothe the pain. Go to the gym, immerse yourself in your hobbies, watch mindless films, have a glass of good wine, a well-made cocktail, or a cold beer, read, go for a hike or walk alone or with a friend.
    • Keep a journal. Clear out your mind on paper; it helps keep things in perspective without sweeping your thoughts under the carpet or worse, denying they exist.
    • Speak your truth when questioned. Hiding your thoughts or your truth, can ruin a relationship and make you feel guilty or angry with yourself.
    • Always keep in mind that this too shall pass. There have been times in history when adversity led to more progressive change.
    • Get away. Nothing is better for clearing my head than a change of scenery.
    • Make a worst case scenario plan. Always better to be prepared.
    • Be a bit frugal, just in case you need funds in the future.
    • Pick your battles. You cannot take everyone and everything on. Write to your congressmen and senators, vote in every election, and campaign if you can — even if it’s on a grass roots level.
    • Celebrate the small victories.
    • Cook and/or eat comforting food.
    • Spend time with a friend or loved one that is like-minded and supports one another. Try to avoid a negative rabbit hole.
    • Having taken advantage of therapy for much of my life, I am a strong advocate of finding a professional you can trust and talk to. A psychiatrist may be more appropriate; especially if medication is to be prescribed. Medication can be a lifeline for those suffering from depression or mental illness. No shame in self-care.
    • Meditation is a very effective tool. I find sitting in a quiet space and concentrating on my breathing, works well for keeping outside influences in perspective.
    • I discovered gratitude not too long ago. Taking stock of all of the people you love who love you in return, and the gifts provided by the universe, is an excellent reminder of how good it is to be alive. And then there are pets to bring you joy.
    • Lastly, getting rid of toxic individuals in your life is essential for good mental health. People in your life who are broken, may attempt to bring you down with them — don’t allow it. If necessary and when necessary, walk away.

    Whatever works for you, is the way to manage the chaos and strife; so long as you have tools.

    What we have is worth fighting for

    Oh How these words spoke to me

    “We shall not cease from exploration
    And the end of all our exploring
    Will be to arrive where we started
    And know the place for the first time.”

    T.S. Elliot

    I’m worried about a few people in my life that are feeling defeated and suffering from intense melancholy. I hope that they come to realize that there are ways to rise above the negativity. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not enough.

    I’ve been enjoying listening to Mel Robbins on her podcast. The Let Them Theory makes a great deal of sense. https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-70

  • Change Is Coming

    To be honest, I’m surprised this blog has survived as long as it has; over six years of over-sharing. It was fun, therapeutic, a consistent companion, and exactly what I needed at this particular time of my life. When I arrived in Portugal I didn’t know a soul and I needed something to keep my mind off of the distance between me and the people I care about. Things have changed, I’m in better touch with myself and I have a lot going on in my life. It’s easy enough to see that a lot of you are no longer engaged (the site provides stats). What that tells me is that some of you or most of you are tired of me telling you about how bad my life was versus how good it is now. You know I’m exaggerating, but you also know, there is some truth in my words. It’s time for change.

    “Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”

    ~ Frank Herbert,  Dune

    The most poignant philosophy I have ever heard about living life, involved doing what you love. I love writing and I love storytelling — not so much oral storytelling, I get a little flustered when I notice people aren’t listening; my biggest pet peeve. What I have decided to do is write fiction whenever I am moved to do so. I will remain on this platform and keep this blog address. I obviously can’t get frustrated when readers of my stories stop reading, I won’t know any better. The older I get, the more I appreciate being oblivious.

    Writers draw from their own personal experience; therefore, there will be bits and pieces of me and my past in my prose. I will always protect the living; however, if you see yourself in my words, that’s on you.

    My stories will be short. I will try my best to entertain, provoke, and keep you wanting more. Having a provocateur in the mix will hopefully keep it interesting. Your feedback will help of course. I have found my readers to be fair and honest — sometimes appropriately candid, never mean. Well, there is this one family member, but he’s a loose cannon who hates everyone.

    “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader – not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

    ― E. L. Doctorow

    Future Travel

    Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked an NCL Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. A spring MSC Mediterranean cruise out of Lisbon, mainly to ports I have never been to, will be one of my easier excursions (anyone care to join me on either? Not in my cabin, but there is room on the ship). The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina. Lots of my peeps to see. Everyone knows, I’ll mostly be there for the food.

    If you tell me you’re interested in where my travels take me, I can keep that bit in. I’m pumped about this, change is good; I think some of you will enjoy this new format.

    Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. Obrigado.

  • A Healthier Lifestyle

    Or Be Miserable Later in Life

    Photo by Alexander Grey

    This will not be one of those “prescription for healthy living” blogs. Instead I’m going to share some thoughts about living with the good and the bad and not get all caught up in the numbers game. It’s always been my MO that rules for living can only end up disappointing you — being human means making mistakes and facing the unexpected. I honestly don’t think I can extend my life by never taking another drink, but I do think that if I drink moderately, I will feel better overall.

    “Balance is not something you find, it’s something you create.”

    ~ Jana Kingsford

    What’s in Your Head (The Lies We Tell Ourselves)

    I’m going to reveal the biggest lie I tell myself: I will not suffer before I die. I’m convinced that I will be able to control my own death. I’m not obsessed with this notion, I just know it to be true. Of course I am also aware that I could have an accident and suffer or I can live to be 110 and no longer know which way is up.

    I do this thing where I set boundaries, sort out the when, the where, and the how and then hope for the best. Nine out of 10 times it all works out as planned; however, that’s not always the case. Sometimes I change my mind about what I want to eat or whether or not I want to play mah-jongg. I’m learning to be more flexible with myself. It seems crazy as I press the keys, but perhaps it makes perfect sense.

    The Reality of Everyday Living

    I sometimes have the best intentions, but alas . . . A few days ago I had my usual large lunch with every intention to eat a snack at dinnertime. Dinnertime came and for some reason or another, I was famished. I didn’t have anything in the refrigerator or pantry that would satisfy my hunger, so I ordered a pizza. The good news is that I ate half and put the rest in the freezer. You have to forgive yourself for occasionally stepping out of your self-imposed restrictions. I didn’t lose any sleep.

    At this point in my life, it’s not about looking good; it’s all about feeling good and the status of my health in the future. I could easily have more wine than I should in the evening, but if I overdo it, the following will happen: I will have to get up to pee more than once, I will have night sweats, I will feel like shit the next day — I don’t think it’s worth all that discomfort, so I color within the lines 95% of the time. When I go rogue, I forgive myself for overindulgence and move on. Most of the time.

    Acceptance and Comfort

    I accept many things about the person I have become, first, I am impulsive about certain things and as a result, I screw up — buying a car, for example, I never think it through. Second, I will never be thin, and lastly, I love sweets. Knowing these things helps me navigate the day-to-day. If I deny myself a piece of cake, I will spend the entire day thinking about cake and I will end up caving and devouring a large piece of cake by evening. Best to give in to it and have a small piece early in the day. I love the freezer for wrapping up cake and cookies for when my sweet tooth speaks to me.

    I’m not crazy about fruit unless it’s very fresh, sweet, and ripe. Fruit in the Algarve is lackluster, save for oranges and small bananas from the Azores . . . and strawberries in season. Melon, peaches, plums, and grapes, bleh. So I only buy what I like or I won’t eat it.

    I’ve always felt that good food is one of, if not the greatest gift the earth provides. I will not deny that gift, no way no how, even if it means a bit of gas, a year or two shaved off of my life, and or a few extra pounds. Throw away the scale. You know when you need to do better or when you can indulge a little.

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    Future Travel

    Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. A spring MSC Mediterranean cruise out of Lisbon, mainly to ports I have never been to, will be one of my easier excursions (anyone care to join me?). The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.

    State-of-Mind

    The significance of good health as I grow older is an everyday consideration. When I stretch more at the gym, eat a healthier lunch, take my supplements; I feel so much better. When I feel better, I’m more pleasant to be around and so it goes. These days I pay a lot more attention to the signs from my body. We have control over so many daily activities in our lives, ignoring the importance of being present is a prescription for disappointment and discomfort. I’m paying a lot more attention and, therefore, I’m happier.

    I recently realized that world politics, especially U.S. politics, was making me crazy. The only way to ease the anxiety was to pay less attention to it. It’s about self-preservation and that’s okay. Shedding toxic individuals from your life will also greatly improve the quality of your life. It’s not easy initially, but give it a few weeks and you’ll wish you’d done it sooner.

    Side note: I have noticed that some of my neighbors drive to the gym. When you get there, you need to find a parking space. It’s a seven minute walk and you’re going there to workout . . . come on, people!

    “The Truth of the Innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.”

    ~ Stephen King

    Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors; I’m paying attention, but it’s never enough.

  • Shifting Priorities

    What Matters Most

    Images taken on recent cruise from London to Iceland. Stopping in Scotland and Norway along the way.

    What Once Mattered

    We can all relate to warped or misplaced priorities. When you’re 20 years old you care more about your outfit or where you’re going on Saturday night, than your bank account. When you are thirty, it’s your fading good looks that keep you up at night (and perhaps cocaine if that was your drug of choice — no judgment), in your forties it might be a mortgage payment that is larger than you can manage, aches and pains in your fifties and so on and so forth.

    I look back at the things that concerned me in the past and I wonder why nobody told me that it wouldn’t make an iota of a difference when I reached a certain age. Some of these things include, but are not limited to: brands & labels, Michelin star ratings, my attendance at parties, the cost of a gift I received, and how late I stay up Saturday night.

    Why it Shouldn’t Matter

    Perhaps it shouldn’t matter, but for reasons I cannot control or change, it does. For example, caring about what other people think. This has been on my goal list for years. In fact, I continue to care. How many likes I get when I post something on Facebook shouldn’t matter; in fact, it doesn’t. But who does or doesn’t like a post, does matter. When I exit a plane matters, I want to be up front so that I transfer quickly or get to passport control earlier than later.

    I find myself struggling with how I process conversations: what I say, how I say it, what I don’t say. There is a righteous aspect of my personality that can make life difficult, but can I stop it? Probably not, however, I can modify my reaction; I can tone it down. I can almost see the relief on the faces of those who love me most. In truth, I sleep better after keeping my big mouth shut.

    What Does Matter

    Here’s where I get to make a list. A list that is actually longer than it should be. Hmmm, should be, there I go shoulding on myself again. What matters:

    • What you think about my sexuality matters. If you’re disgusted by who I am and what I am, that matters. It took me way too long to be comfortable in my own skin.
    • The people who have shown me that they care about me and want me in their life.
    • The things I choose to spend money on and what things cost.
    • Good people who deserve to be seen.
    • Paco, my dog.
    • What I eat, where I eat, and who I eat with.
    • Where I travel and with whom I travel.
    • My health and happiness.
    • Being awake, alive, and present.
    • What charities I choose and whether or not I choose to make my giving known.
    • How I spend my time.
    • Where I choose to live and how I choose to live.
    • How and when I choose to die with dignity, if and when that choice needs to be made.
    • My bed and the quality of my sleep.
    • Lifelong learning and the desire to know more.
    • My family.

    I can proudly state that I am overall pleased with my list. The process of being discerning and thoughtful, has taken decades. That’s okay by me; I know some who never give it a first or second thought.

    “The only questions that really matter are the ones you ask yourself.“

    Ursula K. Le Guin

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    Future Travel

    Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.

    State-of-Mind

    I lost a close friend this week; a second friend over too short a period of time. Angelina was nearly 100 years old and Angela only in her 70s. Losing a close friend changes you in ways that play out in choices not words. What matters now are love and an appreciation for the many gifts I have been given. That pathetic bible thumper, that jealous cousin, that watch you lost in Budapest, that extra twenty pounds: no matter at all.

    “Death is inevitable for all of us. The only thing that really matters in the end is how we choose to live.”

    — Aimee Carter