Papagni Pages

Category: The Things I’ve Learned

  • Children That Are Not My Own

    Regrets, I’ve had a few . . .

    “Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.”   — Oliver Wendell Holmes, author and poet

    I try not to have regrets about what could have been, but I’m human and hard on myself; therefore, I allow my thoughts to occasionally wander to the what ifs. The media tends to focus their stories and opinion pieces on women who cannot or do not bear children and of course, I get it. That maternal instinct is strong and undeniably present, however, men also have paternal longings that are based on instinct and desire.

    Throughout my teenage years and through to my early thirties, my desire to be a father was stronger than most of my contemporaries. I talked about it, wrote about, and even planned for it. Being gay made it difficult to realize this dream (back then), but in truth, if I really wanted a child I would have done something about it. I think it was more of a fantasy, an alternative universe possibility. In the end, it wasn’t meant to be.

    What My Life Might Have Looked Like

    Whenever I think about what I might have been like as a father, the following comes to mind: I think I would have worried a lot, a whole lot. I know that all parents would probably tell you that this is just a fact of life. Still, I believe I would have worried more than most. Unfortunately, a big part of who I am. It’s not fair to compare children with pets, but if the way I am with Paco is any indication . . .

    Adoption would have been fine, it’s never been an ego or legacy thing for me.

    Enjoying the Children in My Life

    Due to numerous siblings, I have many nieces and nephews. Although all of my nieces and nephews are now adults, some of them have small children. My great nieces and nephews do not live close by, but I still get to see them on occasion.

    I live across the street from a large nursery school. When the kids are outside playing, the sound of their laughter travels up to my apartment. I keep the terrace doors open so that I can hear them — it’s a hopeful and joyous sound. The teenagers in the high school next door should stay inside. I’m sorry, but they should.

    Accepting What Is

    At a certain point a long time ago, I realized that I would never be a father. I don’t remember being terribly upset about it. Like most revelations in my life, I thought it would be best if I just accepted it and moved on and so I did. I decided to nurture the dad in me and do the kinds of things I might have done with my child. I took a niece to Disney World, another niece to several Broadway shows, several to see films, I accompanied little family members to an outdoor animal preserve, and so on; you get the picture. I have to say, and I know it’s rather selfish, it has always been nice to fully enjoy the interaction and then say, “see you next time,” when it’s over.

    I love being Uncle Chris. And I’m not just Uncle Chris to the children of my siblings; the children of friends have also honored me with this title. Once again, it’s quite a relief to know that they are someone else´s children.

    Confession: I’m not sure if there are other men who feel the same way as I do about what I am about to share. I don’t know because I dare not ask. For a long time I was jealous that women had the ability to get pregnant, carry, and deliver a child. This is true, I have thought about it way too much. I was fascinated by the biological aspect of a child forming and growing inside of a person’s body. I felt like I’d been cheated. I know, poor me. These thoughts did eventually leave me and I sure am grateful that they did. This is not something I even shared with my therapists. To be clear, I never wanted to be a woman, it was just the baby carrying part I wished I’d had.

    Note: I was concerned about publishing these particular thoughts. I decided to run what I have kept hidden by a couple of female friends. I immediately felt complete empathy without even a tiny trace of judgment, so I kept it in the blog. Thoughts?

    By the way, I no longer go ga ga over the little ones. In fact, I dislike the sound of babies crying/screaming, I have no desire to hold one, and I certainly would prefer not to have one next to me on an airplane. That being said, I do appreciate their existence.

    I was a nursery school teacher and a substitute teacher, at different times in my life. Both were fulfilling . . . at the time.

    For me, the unimaginable is the pain a parent feels over the death of a child. I have experienced it up close and personal and it was painful to watch. I prefer not to consider what might have been if I indeed had been a father; my mother lost two children.

    “The soul is healed by being with children.”   — Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist and philosopher

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    Future Travel

    An Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe next week; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.

    State-of-Mind

    Mostly gratitude and wild dreams.

    A vacation to northern Europe starting in a few days will help get rid of the static.

    Forgive any errors of any kind . . . please.

  • It’s All About Winning

    Politics, relationships, life, sports . . .

    Photo by Olena Bohovyk

    Just about everyone I know is living through relationship difficulties during this divisive time in the States. Growing up, any conversation was fair game at the dinner table. We fought over politics, race, religion, and just about anything you can imagine. In the end, there was so much love between us, it never got in the way of our very close bond. Maybe that’s why despite our political differences, I am still very close to several of my family members. I say several because there are a handful who have become judgmental and divisive.

    Our lives are not always reflective of the rest of the world. When I was a young man and I attended dinner parties, it was made clear that certain topics were taboo. My guess is that the host did not want to deal with cat fighting and screeching, people possibly walking out, and even worse, people never coming back. Individuals can be hellbent on winning arguments. We’ve all been to at least one of these epic gatherings.

    For many of us, it’s all about winning. It’s one of those things some of us were taught growing up: “Winning is everything.”

    “Winning is the most important thing in my life, after breathing. Breathing first, winning next.” ~ George Steinbrenner

    It’s Okay Not to Win (here comes the list):

    • when you’re having an argument with your boss and you need the job
    • when you’re playing sports or a game with your child
    • when you’re playing for a charitable organization and it’s more to do with making a donation
    • when make-up sex is on the horizon
    • when you have a disagreement with someone you care about
    • when you may never see the person you disagree with again
    • when getting to a win will cause health issues
    • when winning means losing your integrity
    • when you would have to lie in order to win
    • when winning means losing a friend
    • when winning means cheating
    • when losing means keeping your humility

    I have this little voice in my head that tells me: winning comes at a cost and that thought stops me from doing many things — good, bad, I’m not sure.

    When Winning is Fun

    Winning is fun when you’re enjoying yourself; when it’s not life and death or having to go to prison for the win. I love winning a game of cards. I love when my political party wins an election. I love winning at the blackjack table. I love winning a playful bet. I love winning a scratch-off lottery ticket. I love winning board games. I love winning a big Supreme Court Case (i.e., gay marriage). I love when winning is followed by a celebration. It’s true, I love winning.

    I was never sports minded, so when I play croquet and win, I get a bit of a thrill. I can see why athletes love winning — both team and individual sports. Unfortunately, illegal betting and greed can spoil the game. I’ll never truly understand why anyone would want to spoil a beautiful thing. The worst of humanity rears its ugly head.

    “The person that said winning isn’t everything, never won anything.” ~ Mia Hamm

    A Personal Story

    When I worked for Dorothy Hamilton, owner of the French Culinary Institute, we used to enjoy playing Scrabble; obviously not at work.

    Dorothy once invited me to her Connecticut home for the weekend. We sat by a warm fire for several hours playing Scrabble. I was a better player, but I held back because I knew how much Dorothy liked to win. Although I am very competitive, there are times when winning must be less important. About halfway through the game she misspelled a word. I looked at it and thought it best not to challenge her.

    It was getting late and we had plans to go out to dinner. Dorothy excused herself to change clothing. She told me that a friend of hers would be joining us and to answer the door when she arrived. A few minutes later the doorbell rang and when I went to the door, it was the actress Christine Baranski. She was gorgeous and gracious; it took every ounce of restraint not to gush. I welcomed Christine into Dorothy’s home. She asked me where Dorothy was and walked over to the fireplace where our Scrabble board was set-up.

    Christine Baranski - Wikipedia
    Christine Baranski, one of my all time favorites

    “Playing Scrabble?” She uttered.

    “We are,” I replied.

    “Well, one of you misspelled a word.” Christine pointed at the board and sucked her teeth.

    I told her that I knew that it was misspelled; however, I requested that she keep it between us. She asked me why and I told her that I didn’t notice it until it was too late and besides, “I work for Dorothy.”

    Dorothy called Christine’s name from upstairs and ran down to greet her. It didn’t take long for Christine to call out Dorothy.

    “Dorothy, you spelled a word wrong and Chris is afraid of you.”

    I kept my mouth shut and Dorothy looked at me and said, “Why didn’t you challenge me?”

    I lied and told her that I didn’t realize it was misspelled while we were playing. I’m fairly certain she didn’t believe me and she teased me about it for a long time. About a year later we were at a Manhattan restaurant and she brought it up.

    “Are you afraid of me?”

    “Yes,” I said, “you can be intimidating and besides, you’re my boss.”

    I promise you she said the following:

    “It’s okay with me if I intimidate you.”

    I believe that sums her up. I stand by my decision to have allowed Dorothy to win.

    By the way, Christine Baranski was charming, funny and great company. I believe she kept Dorothy honest and that was a good thing for the rest of us. (A tragic car accident took Dorothy a few years ago.)

    An aside: Joan Rivers joined us at our table at the restaurant that night. I loved Joan Rivers, so that was a huge thrill. I just have to say, in person Joan’s plastic surgery made her pretty scary to look at — her face like a porcelain doll; the rest of her cracked and extremely wrinkled. I have some strong opinions about the amount of pervasive plastic surgery in certain parts of the world — sad and pathetic.

    A Contest

    I won a laughing contest in South Carolina when I was in my early twenties. It was a promotion for a new Jerry Lewis film. I defeated 39 other laughing contestants. The stakes were high and I knew I could do it if I gave it my all. I loved winning this contest, it has put a smile on my face many times throughout the years. No one was hurt in the process and I proved something to myself that will remain with me throughout my life — there was a nice prize, but the prize was perseverance. It was a small thing, but it packed a big punch. Laughter has always been a gift I take for granted. I need you all to remind me to lighten-up and laugh more.

    The topic of “losing” saved for another day. Let’s just say it isn’t all bad.

    Circling Back to a Previous Blog, Jan. ’21 (Updated)

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    Future Travel

    An Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in less than two weeks; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina.

    State-of-Mind

    Iceland and the Norwegian fjords cometh real soon! I belong to a club in the Algarve that has unfortunately fizzled. It’s not personal, but I find myself disturbed by the anger, resentment, and communication breakdown among people I like (most) and respect. This situation seems to mirror what is taking place everywhere these days.

    We Don’t Talk Anymore by Charlie Puth

    We don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do
    We don’t love anymore
    What was all of it for?
    Oh, we don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do

    I just heard you found the one you’ve been looking
    You’ve been looking for
    I wish I would have known that wasn’t me
    ‘Cause even after all this time, I still wonder
    Why I can’t move on
    Just the way you did so easily

    Don’t wanna know
    Kind of dress you’re wearing tonight
    If he’s holding onto you so tight
    The way I did before
    I overdosed
    Should’ve known your love was a game
    Now I can’t get you out of my brain
    Oh, it’s such a shame

    That we don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do
    We don’t love anymore
    What was all of it for?
    Oh, we don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do

    I just hope you’re lying next to somebody
    Who knows how to love you like me
    There must be a good reason that you’re gone
    Every now and then I think you might want me to
    Come show up at your door
    But I’m just too afraid that I’ll be wrong

    Don’t wanna know
    If you’re looking into her eyes
    If she’s holding onto you so tight
    The way I did before
    I overdosed
    Should’ve known your love was a game
    Now I can’t get you out of my brain
    Oh, it’s such a shame

    That we don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do
    We don’t love anymore
    What was all of it for?
    Oh, we don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do

    Like we used to do

    Don’t wanna know
    Kind of dress you’re wearing tonight
    If he’s giving it to you just right
    The way I did before
    I overdosed
    Should’ve known your love was a game
    Now I can’t get you out of my brain
    Oh, it’s such a shame

    That we don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    We don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do
    We don’t love anymore
    What was all of it for?
    Oh, we don’t talk anymore
    Like we used to do

    We don’t talk anymore (don’t wanna know)
    Kind of dress you’re wearing tonight (oh)
    If he’s holding onto you so tight (oh)
    The way I did before
    We don’t talk anymore (I overdosed)
    Should’ve known your love was a game (oh)
    Now I can’t get you out of my brain (whoa)
    Oh, it’s such a shame

    That we don’t talk anymore

    Once again please forgive any grammatical and/or typographical errors

  • Finding Beauty

    What, Where & How?

    Is there beauty in Everything?

    Beauty, love, meaning, purpose . . . all powerful nouns; all equally deserving of attention and respect. Especially now that I have come to realize the importance of making sense of it all and finding my place in the chaos.

    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

    Margaret Wolfe Hungerford (née Hamilton) is widely credited with coining the saying in its current form. Feb 1, 2022.

    “The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

    Where to Look For Beauty

    It seems to me that searching for beauty in all things needs to become more of a priority for some. That is not to say that one should be looking for beauty in a bowl of cereal or the trash can. I’m referring to the details in nature and the creativity that is produced by people all around us.

    Yesterday I woke up and set a goal for the day. I vowed to be present as much as possible (easier said than done) and look for beauty in at least one person, place, or thing, each hour. I took notes on what I found:

    • As the sun came up and entered my living room, I noticed the silhouettes of the trees dancing on my dining room wall; trees growing on my street.
    • I saw an amazing red bird I have never seen before on the way to the gym (not great with bird names, I should have uploaded a bird app).
    • On my way to the grocery store I noticed a woman sitting with a child on a bench. The child put her head in the woman´s lap and the woman smiled.
    • I noticed the ugly trash cans which hang on posts on our streets have been replaced with cleaner, more attractive receptacles.
    • During the day I looked directly at Paco´s eyes and noticed a green I had not seen before.
    • I noticed a color in my sofa; it’s a sky blue that makes the colors around it bolder.
    • My favorite beautiful thing is the lemon tree below. It’s in a public place, so you can just pick lemons when you need them and I do. They are absolutely perfect.

    Just a few of the beautiful things I noticed in the mundane as my day progressed. It felt as if each time the idea of beauty entered my consciousness, I became a bit happier and more grateful. It seems so hokey when I put it in writing, but it’s the small things that add up to a more enlightened state of mind.

    No chemical substances were involved in the aforementioned discoveries.

    Does it Matter Who Else Sees it?

    When I hang a piece of artwork in my apartment, there are several thoughts running through my mind: First, I need to get this done so I can eat something, second, am I hanging it properly, and lastly will people who come to my apartment like it? My only concern should be whether or not I like it, full stop.

    The question should be: who else needs to see it? I might feel differently if I were selling something I created.

    If I am going to be honest, when I choose finishes for my apartment, I want people to think they are as beautiful as I think they are. I need validation. The same is true if I buy a watch I think is beautiful. Perhaps we all need that validation?

    How Does Beauty Enhance Your Life

    I can only speak for myself when I say that I cannot imagine my life without beauty; beautiful art, beautiful people, beautiful minds, and beautiful things, to name a few. I’m not sure that everyone can see and appreciate beauty; therefore, I don’t take it for granted.

    The photograph above: I looked at this photograph for an entire week; this is the beauty I see: I see a moment of life, life in a different part of the world, people going places, and the beauty of a day as it unfolds.

    Any thoughts on beauty?

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    Future Travel

    An Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina.

    State-of-Mind

    It was great to get away for a local weekend respite. I cut it short by a few hours because I was missing Paco quite a bit. I’m enjoying the food & wine I brought back from Spain. It’s close by in distance, but Spain’s ingredients and food sources can be vastly different. For me, variety is everything.

    “No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.” ~ Oscar Wilde

    Once again please forgive any grammatical and/or typographical errors

  • 2050 & Beyond

    Too big a topic to write more than a blurb

    THE FUTURE

    I probably shouldn’t do this, but I’ve been spending a great deal of time thinking about the future. Not necessarily my future, but the future of the world. I don’t want this blog to be all gloom and doom; therefore, I’m going to begin with some positive thoughts.

    The planet will be here for a long, long time.

    The end of my positive thoughts.

    Why I Care

    I mostly care because I believe that young people deserve to have a home, a place where they can feel safe and secure, and a future. The way things are going lead me to believe this might not be the case. Will AI solve the world’s problems or make things worse? Will the divide between the haves and the have nots grow larger? Will the greedy ruin it for the rest? Overwhelming to say the least.

    Every person, for him or her or their self, is becoming more the norm than the exception. This mentality will bring on a dystopian society I wouldn’t want to live in.

    “If you don’t think about the future, you cannot have one.” ~ John Galsworthy

    Climate Change

    Mother Nature does mess with climate in the course of earth’s health and well-being; however, humankind messing with the timing of natural change may turn out to be our demise. This is not hyperbole, this is real and may already be in progress. Consider how many animals are now extinct; why not humans?

    Climate change deniers are just that, deniers. A refusal to listen to scientists and acknowledge what is happening in real time. Making progress is impossible when you have so many people getting in the way. Eighteen months of COVID showed has how much the planet healed in a short period of time; still so many skeptics. I believe most people are fully aware and don’t care; that’s almost worse than ignorance.

    Health

    How long I choose to remain on earth is entirely linked to my health. If I cannot be independent and in good health, I do not want to be here. My title for this blog is 2050 — the middle of the 21st century. That is 26 years from now; if I’m still alive, I will be 90 years old. If I can still enjoy life, sleep well, eat well, and be with people I love, I’m all in. It helps that I do not fear death and I have experienced so much life already. Anything from here on out is gravy as far as I’m concerned.

    I had a bug this week that knocked me on my ass. Twenty years ago I would have shaken it off. Ten years from now?

    “It was never easy to look into the future, but it is possible and we should not miss our chance.” ~ Andrei Linde

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    Future Travel

    A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in the fall of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route.

    State-of-Mind

    Quiet week in the hood with the kids out of school; glorious.

    Please excuse typographical and/or grammatical errors. I promise you they occur quite by accident.

  • Our Expectations Are All Out of Whack

    Home delivery of liquor on my bicycle in Brooklyn when I was 17 years old, provided a teachable moment which has stayed with me my entire adult life. I walked into my house after four hours of peddling all around my neighborhood, carrying hard liquor for desperate alcoholics. Trust me, it made me grow up fast. My dad, who was rarely home early in the evening, asked me why I had that look of dread on my face. I told him that I had worked hard that evening for next to nothing in tips. My dad, who was very familiar with working for tips, reminded me that I was providing a service to customers who would learn to trust me and be able to rely on me in the future. He assured me that once that happened, the tips would come. He also said that I should learn to never expect a tip. He reminded me that the customer was paying for the product and that the delivery was included in the price. Tipping was not obligatory; therefore, whatever tips I received were an extra bonus and that the amount was entirely up to the customer. He said that I should be grateful to receive anything at all. My father was my guru; any advice was sage advice.

    I ended up doing very well at the liquor store. I went on to work for tips at other times in my life; always recalling my father’s wise words. Humility goes a long way when one is performing a service. The bigger lesson here is that expectations are too often unrealistic and sometimes lead to disappointment. This has been a lifelong lesson. I’m not sure if it’s my hard head or sensitive nature, but it has been one of my greatest challenges.

    People

    My expectations of people have always been way too high and unrealistic. Starting with family, I won’t list my many disappointments because it will only cause anger and resentment toward me. I have learned that most people do not want to hear what you really think. Instead, let me say that these days, my expectations are very low except for one individual whom I know would step up to the plate should I need urgent care. I’ve discovered just how self-absorbed and judgmental family members can be. If I’m going to be honest, there are very few family members I would consider taking in.

    Close friends I have known almost my entire life are in a different category. My expectations are high and will remain high. The bond created over years of life’s travails, makes for frank conversation, trust, and loyalty. Expectations are a given; break the trust and the friendship is gone. Unfortunately, I have lost two close friends in recent years over trust issues. One of these friends revealed an unacceptable truth about her hatred toward Muslims and the other took me for granted. Walking away from toxic people is necessary; I have no regrets. Relationships are not always meant to last forever.

    Moving overseas has shifted my expectations of strangers. Portuguese people have been kind and warm toward me. Culture and my openness have played a role.

    Places

    Of all aspects of my life, adapting to new environments has been the easiest. Growing up in Coney Island is probably the main reason, anything after CI was an improvement. The amusement park which once attracted millions, was in decay and losing its allure when I was a child. I have always sought out a better place to live and my instinct has never failed me. Hence, one aspect of my life where expectations for improvement have been met. I think it’s almost better to start low and work your way up; although to be fair, there are parts of the world far worse than Coney Island. In fact, CI is currently going through a period of revival.

    Travel is a category where I go from extremely delighted to overwhelmingly disappointed. My expectations have always been far reaching; the case of a big imagination versus lackluster reality. The one good thing that has come from this truth, is the appreciation of home. I can’t complain, I’ve been all around the globe and as a result, I have seen more than most and I have no regrets. I firmly believe that exposure to other parts of the world and other cultures, helps to better understand humankind; our faith, our understanding of how we are connected to the earth and each other, and how we see the future. My expectations for a better future are changing daily and not in a good way. I fear greed, climate change, and diminishing resources. I think humankind’s finest moment has passed. It makes me sad and of course, I hope I’m wrong.

    Things

    Material things hold less significance for me as I get older. My expectation for the length of time “things” should last has decreased. Appliances are not made to last anymore and technology is always evolving, making devices obsolete after a short period of time. When I moved to Portugal, I realized how easy it is to replace stuff — sometimes with even better stuff. I try not to get too attached to things. Artificial Intelligence will factor heavily in the future, but I do not fear it. I’m hopeful that we will find a way to use it to our advantage and to rein it in when necessary.

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    Future Travel

    A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, (as I suspected it would be, this cruise has been canceled. I’m looking at other options, this time out of Lisbon; convenient and no airfare). I had little to no expectations; therefore, I am not disappointed.

    State-of-Mind

    When you live in a place with over 300 days of sunshine a year, rain becomes glorious; at least for me. We’re getting some much needed rain this week and I love it. Also, the kids are not in school for a couple of weeks, therefore, the neighborhood is deliciously quiet. I have this “guy” thing that applies to fixing things; I fixed it so that my new computer is synched with my printer/scanner. It only took four hours, but I’m patting myself on the back as I type. When it comes to technology, my expectations are extremely low. To my credit, I try everything before seeking help.

    I’m currently hosting friends from the States. We are making memories.

    Note from last week’s blog: I learned that electric buses beep when they are coming and going, so that people will hear them because they are so much quieter than gas powered buses. Oh well, good to know, but I still hate it. I feel the same way about the beeping sound you hear when trucks are backing up.

    “You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.”
    ― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

    Please excuse typographical and/or grammatical errors. I promise you they occur quite by accident.

  • Abandoning My Bucket List

    Being a lover of lists has its highs and lows. Write it down, get it done, check it off, and onto the next item. I’ve decided it’s great for my blog and helpful when grocery shopping, but for the big things in life, not-so-much. What tends to happen with me is the following: there is a big build up, I get super excited, I prepare down to the smallest detail, and then, unfortunately, I am underwhelmed. The anticipation was more satisfying than the actual event.

    People are overusing the word “organic” these days, however, I’m going to use it because it best describes my latest thoughts on new experiences. Rather than keep a list of things I’d like to do before I die, I’m going to organically go with whatever moves me at the moment — I tend to be fairly boxed in, making this somewhat challenging. When I recently booked Egypt, Greece, Turkey and Tel Aviv for 2025 (one trip, land & sea), I wasn’t thinking about those destinations for travel at all; quite out of the blue, it occurred to me that I’d like to visit these places and I booked the trip. I think the absence of expectations will make travel more enjoyable. I’ve decided to hold off on the research until only weeks prior to the trip. This will help avoid disappointment in case it’s canceled and/or prevent too much pre-trip excitement. I’m thinking it could be canceled due to fighting and unrest in several of these places. If you think me mad, refrain from commenting.

    This Too May Change

    The freedom to allow myself to change my mind at any time is an important part of quieting my brain. No reason at all to get all caught up in sticking to a plan. To be certain, I’ve had a plan since I was five years old. I’m retired and single for crying out loud. As long as I can get a sitter for Paco, I am untethered and free to explore.

    A First World Problem

    If you’re thinking, “Poor Chris and his bucket list dilemma,” you are justified in your sarcasm. I am fully aware that there are others far worse off than I. In reality, this is the hand I was dealt and the life I have prepared myself to live. Many years of working hard and denying myself what others have indulged in. I can’t do much to change anyone else’s circumstances; therefore, I spend time contemplating my own life — there it is.

    Do you have a bucket list? Do you refer to it? Do you think it’s ridiculous? What’s on your list? Do you share it with others?

    Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

    Future Travel

    A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

    State-of-Mind

    Faro has new electric buses. These buses for some reason or another sound off whenever they are approaching or leaving a bus stop; an obnoxious beeping noise. There is a bus stop about 50 feet from my building. Sound carries up to the fifth floor; therefore, when my terrace doors are open, I can hear the electric buses coming and going. I am furious about this annoyance, because I see no reason for it. I cannot imagine it’s for the blind because there are eight to ten lines that operate at the same bus stop. More unnecessary noise pollution as far as I’m concerned. Ambulance . . . I get it, police cars . . . warranted, warning sirens . . . necessary; motorcycles, buses, souped-up cars, and loud teenagers . . . NO! I feel very old and grouchy sharing this — I like quiet.

    Friends visiting from the States for Easter, happy days!

    “Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need.”

    Sarah Ban Breathnach

    Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors. I’m guilty of not being thorough in my proofreading.

  • Stay In Your Own Lane

    Or Deal With Me

    Being born in Brooklyn has its advantages; one of them is bravado. Back in the 60s and 70s, we were taught to fend for ourselves. I’m sure it had a great deal to do with the mafia presence in Brooklyn, street gangs, and the nearly 3.5 million people who resided in a relatively small space.

    Growing up closeted may also have a lot to do with my tough exterior. I was only moderately bullied because I put on a good front, but still, my guard was up 24/7. My brothers and sisters were onto me; they let me know that even though they loved me, the sexuality issue could not and would not be overlooked; as if I had a choice. The harder I was beaten down, the more resilient I became.

    I don’t care who you are or who you know, come for me or anyone I love and I will make you wish you hadn’t. It’s not a threat, it’s a fact. Some call it aggressive behavior and others call it self-preservation; I call it peace of mind and I make no apologies for it.

    What happened to me is not unique, take a look around and you’ll notice similar personality types for those who have been marginalized or ignored. Yet another reason to lift people up, as opposed to putting them down.

    A Suit of Armor

    The down side of putting up a massive shield is that it sometimes prevents the good stuff from penetrating. I state this as if I have personal experience; I might. I’m told by others who can be far more objective, that my guard is up and my openness to the possibility of a lifelong partner is non-existent. I don’t argue anymore for two reasons: first, I am happy just as I am and second, they could be right and I’d have to admit that might be the case.

    “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” – Bob Marley

    Vulnerability

    If you want to see my softer side, be genuine and sincere. The divisive behavior I am seeing lately has me very concerned. Pick a side or you’re out seems to be the dominant mentality. If something is needling me; rather than pop-off, I am testing my self-control and staying quiet. Knowing that this is not my usual MO, it’s a good exercise for me. It’s a double edge sword; I may feel better mentally, but I am hurting emotionally.

    The Wisdom That Comes With Age

    One of the things that I have learned is that certain people love to stir the pot. If things are calm and quiet, they want to get folks riled-up. We all know who these people are; why do we give them air time?

    What I have learned and what I am still learning:

    • When someone around you feels compelled to gossip about someone you know, shut them down. “I am not interested in hearing this, thank you.” Or you can walk or move away. This does not include sharing concern for another . . . for example if a person in your group is engaging in self-destructive behavior and you may collectively be able to help them — this is concern and compassion, not gossip. Note the word “help.”
    • People seem to thrive on a tribal mentality: “my tribe is superior and if you’re not on my side, you’re on the wrong side.” Respect for others goes a long way. It doesn’t mean you have to take a cruise with this person, but we can hear each other out and agree to disagree.
    • If people in your social circle are talking about others who are also a part of your circle, those same individuals are probably chatting about you when you’re not around. And I don’t mean innocent small talk (e.g., “where is Chris these days? He’s always traveling.”).
    • Your mental and emotional well-being is directly tied to the well-being of your peers. In other words, stay away from crazy. Some individuals are just not worth it.
    • All individuals have prejudices and stereotypes they hold onto. When as a child, it’s drummed into you at home, in the playground, and in the classroom, how can you not hold onto it as truth. We can all either embrace the truth as fact and try to be better or we can further perpetuate falsehoods (e.g., immigrants are ruining our country).
    • Good people who try to educate others are often beaten down in today’s divided world. No matter how strong you are and no matter how resolute in your quest for truth, after a while it starts to get to you and you can become numb or exhausted and give up the fight. We cannot allow this to happen.
    • I do not appreciate pot-stirrers. There are other ways for one to become stimulated. For example, one could dig a hole in their backyard and bury themselves in it.
    • If you can rest your head on your pillow easily at bedtime, you’re probably doing the right thing. In this case I am referring to good people as opposed to the other kind.
    • If you’re an aging man, urinating may become difficult. Note: I’m not sure this belongs on this particular list, but it needs to go somewhere.
    • Lighten up, chill, let it go, it’s not personal — you’ll live a longer, happier life if you take it all less seriously.
    • The bravado part is all wrapped-up in my desire to be perceived as masculine. Sometimes the psychobabble makes sense.

    Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

    Future Travel

    A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

    State-of-Mind

    Spring has come early — it tends to do that in the Algarve. Since spring is my favorite season, I am taking advantage of the warm weather and I’m tending to my terrace garden and spending time at outdoor cafés and restaurants with Paco. Rain is glorious and I’m thrilled that we’ve had quite a bit this week. The primaries in the States are pissing me off, but people who care about me are teaching me to let it go. What troubles me the most is the knowledge that many of these radical right individuals have an agenda they dare not reveal. The repression of marginalized groups and the fear of losing power/control has been a reality since the day mankind started fighting for ownership of (fill in the blank). I’m not sure we will ever collectively agree to share resources and be honest with one another. It makes me very sad.

    Before I sign-off I’d like to thank many of you for your delicious feedback about my blogging . . . I am inspired to keep it up.

    Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

  • City Versus Country

    Who are we to judge?

    Not an easy choice, but does one have to choose?

    Why do I choose the topics I choose? I wish I could tell you that it’s a well thought out, sensible, systematic, intelligent process. In the end, it’s whatever pops into my head when I open my laptop. There may have been some forethought, but trust me, that was by accident. The city versus country dilemma has been one that has plagued me throughout my life. I have moved more times than Elizabeth Taylor was married; Elizabeth and I may have shared the same affliction: not truly knowing what we want. Do I want to live in the center of a vibrant, loud, culture-rich city or would I prefer a quiet hamlet where people and theater are scarce?

    Not all of us can have both. Not all of us want both. But what if you can only have one, which one would you choose?

    The Beginning

    I was born in a big city. After 18 years of hustle, bustle, and grit, I moved to a small town in North Carolina. Don’t ever shock your system this way. I was so depressed I started dating women to feel better. Seriously, I couldn’t see the forest through the rednecks. After a couple years working at a cotton mill, I packed up my ’77 Nova and hightailed it back to the city. After arriving in Brooklyn, I stopped to buy a drink and my car was completely cleaned out; I think the thief left a broken 45. Thus the beginning of my country versus city struggle.

    Everybody Has An Opinion

    We live in an age where so many people think they know better. I caution you to listen to your own heart and mind. People can give out advice and share their own experiences, but no one knows you like you know you. I love when people pose a question about “the best place to live in Portugal.” So many will weigh-in telling people they “should” live here or there for whatever reason. I see these places quickly become ghettos of like-minded people. Explore, think outside the box, expand your comfort zone; you may end up very pleasantly surprised.

    Alternate Choices, Change it up, Be a Nomad

    I remember contemplating where I would live in Portugal. I was with a friend going on and on: what if I don’t like it, what if I buy an apartment in a city I end up hating, what if, what if? Here’s how Gina replied, “Then you’ll move.” Why did such a simple solution not occur to me?

    Got me thinking . . . perhaps I can live in the center of a city for a while and then move to the country for a change. That’s what I thought when I purchased my condo. Once I arrived in the Algarve I realized how easy it is to get around and how close I would be to wide open, quiet, outside-of-the-city places. And hotels and airbnbs are less than half the usual cost off-season. The beauty of the Algarve is that the weather is magnificent most of the year. I can have both city and country without ever moving.

    Vacation homes can be a royal pain in the ass. My place in Pennsylvania was delightful, but it was a lot of work and came with complicated issues. After that experience I decided that owning one home is enough, unless you can pay a person or company to manage it and even then it can be problematic.

    Compromise

    For me, compromise is exactly where I landed. For six years, I have lived in a small city that has everything I need. Please do not think me boastful as I tell you about my current situation. It is merely to point out that if you are determined to find what is right for you, it’s out there. I currently have all I need.

    From my terrace I see the Ria Formosa and the Atlantic Ocean and from my marquise (enclosed terrace) in the back of my apartment, I see mountains of Estoi (mountains I can drive to in 25 minutes). I have a terrace garden with succulents and herbs, I am surrounded by four schools and young people, I can walk to cafés — there is even one in my building, restaurants, grocery stores, and other shops, and I have great neighbors. There is a jazz club 10 minutes away by foot and a movie theater about 30 minutes walking. So why would I ever consider leaving you might ask? Damn, that’s a good question! My constant yearning for something else makes me crazy. Note: I do not take what I have for granted.

    I have learned that isolation would be very bad for me. Isolation is probably what I would experience in the country. The bottom line . . . learn who you are.

    “The same things go on everywhere, whether you’re from the city, the country or wherever.“
    Bubba Sparxxx (not a typo)

    Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

    Future Travel

    A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

    State-of-Mind

    I’m in a weird space these days. I’m in between travel, home projects, and an assessment of my current health. It’s part of my nature to be concerned about everything and I’m trying to just enjoy the moment. Planning is good, but overplanning can put you in a box, making spontaneity difficult. I’m asking my good friends to remind me to relax. Now you cannot accuse me of not asking for help when I need it.

    Thank you again to all of you who gave me feedback on the continuation of my blog. It gives me great pleasure to write and share my thoughts.

    Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

  • This Is More For Me Than It Is For You

    And that’s okay

    Durban, South Africa, a few weeks ago

    I had an epiphany during the first COVID-19 lockdown in 2020. I realized the best way to live my life was to determine what I truly enjoy and celebrate those things as much as possible. This revelation is one of the many positive outcomes of blogging and quiet contemplation. Writing has forced me to express my thoughts and feelings with conviction. Lying to myself (or you) about anything would only take me down a woeful path. Onward and upward we go.

    Because I love making lists and because I think some of what I am going to share will resonate with some of you, I have decided to boldly put it out there (random order):

    • The best time I have spent in my life has been creating a comfortable place to sleep. A firm mattress, soft cream colored cotton sheets, a couple of goose down pillows and a light goose down comforter, matte blue/gray walls, photos and paintings that evoke the best parts of my past, and a toilet only a few steps from my bed. All money well spent.
    • Fresh ground beans used to make that first cup of coffee. Sometimes in an espresso machine, sometimes in a French press, sometimes poured over, but mostly in a drip pot. I want it soon after I wake and I want it with a little whole milk. That watered down, low-fat crap, is not for me.
    • My Paco by my side, especially after he’s had a bath, and especially when he’s sleeping.
    • A good novel, read in a quiet place, makes me very happy.
    • Eating good food is probably my greatest pleasure.
    • A provocative and engaging conversation with someone smart and present is time well spent.
    • Sitting in a beach chair in front of the ocean on a warm, blue sky day, provides enough fuel to last days or weeks. Warm sand between my toes adds to the beach experience; as does a beautiful sunset.
    • The laughter of my toddler nieces and nephews is the elixir of life.
    • A glass or two of a good red wine at dusk is about as good as it gets. Paired with an aged gouda, takes it to another level.
    • Finding a bargain when I least expect it is extremely satisfying.
    • A good game of Texas Holdem’ is hard to beat.
    • The realization that I am enough cannot be overstated.
    • A good friend reigns supreme.
    • I am an unabashed and proud TikToker. Hours of watching humans be human has been a recent guilty pleasure.
    • Sundays where I reside are peaceful and quiet. I have made a practice of staying at home and opening my terrace doors to allow the outside in. The absence of cars and kids makes hearing the wind and the birds easier.
    • A one euro café com lait after a workout is hard to beat.
    • A freshly cleaned apartment puts a huge smile on this worn out face.
    • A productive hour at the gym.
    • A pair of fresh pajamas, a good film, a curled-up Paco, a comfy sofa, on an evening at Twilight is pretty fucking awesome.
    • Solitude
    • A good night’s sleep followed by a pre-dawn, unleashed Paco, walk in the park, is a great way to start the day. When the moon is full, it’s an added bonus.
    • A competitive game of croquet, mah jongg, or poker with my fellow expats, are once-in-a-while, gratifying social activities.
    • Discovery of a part of the world I had yet to explore or the comfort of the familiar I love returning to, are gifts that keep on giving.
    • Good health is not to be discounted or ignored. All of the above are nothing without it.

    You won’t see a luxury yacht, the Maldive beaches, or a $200,000 Lamborghini on my list. It took a lifetime for me to realize that the simplest things provide the most pleasure. An occasional indulgence becomes a treat I can savor and a hassle-free day is all I can hope for.

    I’ll keep adding to this gratifying list. It’s hokey, it’s corny, it’s self-indulgent . . . it’s me. If you notice, there is no mention of men.

    Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

    Future Travel

    A couple of short, local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

    State-of-Mind

    Being satisfied with the status quo is not a bad place to be.

    Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

  • What Comes Out of This Mouth

    Updates 2021 blog — motivated by today’s political climate

    Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

    Keeping my mouth shut these days is harder than shoving a passel of hogs into a tiny hog pen . . . at feeding time. I’ve been around for quite some time and I’ve never experienced anything like what we’re seeing today; division, unrest, widespread racism, anger, pandemics, extreme climate change, and the list goes on. Every generation speaks of times in their lives when major changes caused emotional disruption; however, I would argue that what is happening now, has to be up there in the top five of global unrest.

    Regardless of the rank and strength of the impact, these are challenging times. If you have a heart and an opinion, you are feeling it with an intensity that can cause quite the verbal eruption. Some would say that speaking your truth is healthy and necessary and others regard it as dangerous. People in both camps exist in my world. I have been notoriously vocal my entire life, except when I’m quiet. So why the contradiction?

    What it Feels Like

    When I have something to say, it sometimes feels like fire in my belly and a vice squeezing my skull. It’s unpleasant and there are very few ways to release the pressure.

    Having opinions is a good thing. Speaking your mind is a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. It allows others to get to know you better. It’s also a way to remain free, free of thoughts weighing you down. Keeping it all bottled up can destroy your already compromised organs. On the other hand, when you unload something that has been weighing you down, it can end up making the receiver feel burdened by the information.

    The conversation I have with myself about whether or not to speak-up is getting easier as I mature. There was a time when remaining quiet was not even an option; today, I employ this method of self-preservation (silence), more often than not.

    The price that I pay when I’m silent is distance from whomever I decide to stay silent with. Unless it’s a stranger and then there is little or no consequence. I have a neighbor who is inconsiderate and clueless. In the past I would have found a way to share my discontent. Instead, these days I say nothing except hello when I see her. I know that nothing I say will change who she is. Telling her what I think would only make matters worse and cause further problems. But. . . if I ever sell my apartment, this woman is going to hear from me.

    The Process of Deciding When to Share

    I wrote a blog on Racism a few years ago. I know it angered some of the people in my life who strongly disagreed. In the blog I called myself a passive racist; I believe it to be true. I’m ashamed of the number of times I have stood by and listened to people disparage black or brown people and said nothing. At the time I disagreed with what they were saying, but I didn’t want to rock the boat or cause a scene. I was dead wrong. I cannot turn back the clock, however, I can behave differently and call people out when I see and hear racial bias.

    Sharing my political point of view has been difficult because of the current climate. These days it’s difficult to have a civilized conversation about politics. I’ve been told I have no right to share my opinion because I no longer live in the States or that the only reason I’m a left leaning liberal is because I’m gay — both ridiculous opinions.

    What to Share

    Carefully consider what to share with others and when to share it. The last thing I want is for people to say, “There he goes again, mouthing off about something.” That can happen easily if you’re not careful.

    Lately, I wait until I’m truly passionate about something before I put it out there. This seems to be more effective. The response I get on social media can be very telling and I’ve been paying attention. People are tired of politics. Those that feel very strongly, on either side, are not giving up, nor should they. I’m certainly not giving up. What I am doing is being more deliberate about when and how I state my opinion.

    There are many people out there who do not want to hear it. They are in denial about the existence of problems in and with society. To those people I say, ignore me. If you don’t want to hear it, telling me or anyone else to shut up is not going to be effective. If you want to bury your head in the sand, then refrain from coming to the surface.

    Some of us feel, me included, that in order for positive change to happen, we must have the conversation.

    Reactions and Responses

    When you share in a public forum, you must be prepared for backlash. For me, having people agree with me is not necessarily what I want. I enjoy a good debate or argument. Tell me why you feel or think the way you do and back it up with facts, I promise to do the same. I have admitted to being wrong on more than one occasion and I have also been known to change my point of view. In addition to learning something in the process, a good argument can be a lot of fun; stimulating and enlightening. So why are so many adverse to partaking in a good debate? These days it seems that some would prefer to walk away from a relationship, rather than engage in a discussion. I think that’s sad.

    Losing Friends & Family

    Losing people in your life may be the most difficult outcome of being honest about your thoughts and feelings. Before you speak or write or video what’s on your mind, you should consider the toll it may take. Are you willing to alienate people in your life that have meant something to you for a long time?

    I recently had this situation tested in my personal life. My politics have pissed people off for a long time; however, because of where the world is politically, people are more wedded to their point of view than ever before. It’s unwise and wrong for me to fault anyone for their beliefs, whether I think those beliefs are based on truth or not. My choice is to find middle ground and in the process, save the relationship.

    Going Forward

    I have learned that staying silent is sometimes impossible. Repressed thoughts or feelings eventually surface; when they do, the longer I allow them to fester, the more toxic and harder they are to rein in.

    The bottom line is comfort. For me, if I’m not strong in my convictions and resolute about where I stand, I cannot speak out. There are moments when I feel that my time is better spent working on my own self-worth; exercising my ego and feeding my brain. I have to be certain I know what I am talking about before I spout off. I have to fact check myself and do my homework. Then and only then, can I speak my mind.This is the way for me to defend myself, debate and walk away with pride. Self-empowerment is mighty strong and an effective tool for healthy living.

    I believe the more time you spend on reflection and self-improvement, the more people will want to be in your company.

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    Future Travel

    South Africa land & sea starting today, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv (I’m not holding my breath).

    Current State of Mind

    I’m extremely excited about the trip I’m taking today. It will be a journey, but I’m certain, one I will never regret or forget.

    As for the political climate? At this point, all I can do is hope that my fellow humans will use their heads and follow their hearts.

    Please forgive any grammatical or typographical errors. Thank you.