Another one of those “I won’t feel sorry for myself” blogs.
As you know, many people, consciously or unconsciously, decide to have children so that there will be someone to take care of them when they get old. Now don’t get all judgie on me, I’m not saying that it’s the primary reason for having children; stating that it is certainly one of many. So how does one sort out being single and/or childless and having to face the idea that he or she might be alone when help is needed later on in life. The other factor to consider, is the reality that children are moving further and further away from their parents. Another consideration is the unpredictability of the future and the longevity of a life partnership: people die, we get divorced, life happens.
I certainly cannot speak for all individuals in this position, however, I can and will, speak for myself.
I think we can all agree that remaining in a relationship because you fear being alone, is a terrible plan. I unfortunately know too many people who are in this situation. I have known friends who were “stuck” and then for whatever reason, decided to move on and never regretted that decision. On the flip side, I have also seen couples decide to stay together and consequently work through their issues. Fortunately, the stigma of remaining or choosing to be single is quickly disappearing. We have options.
There are several ways to tackle a problem. You can sit around and worry yourself to death or you can take action. By “take action” I mean develop a plan. Brainstorming all of your options on paper is one way to do this. If you know someone whom you trust and who you know will not judge you, it might be a good idea to ask them to brainstorm with you. There are so many different ways to deal with this issue and frankly, you may not currently be familiar with some of them.
Remaining Single (or not) To Assist if Needed Options
|No drama||Friend||Move in with relatives|
|A life choice||Create a Community House|
|Agreement with friends|
Create a simple chart to organize your thoughts. I’m obsessed with charts.
An abundance of good information is currently available on the internet (I will provide a few — click title for info):
Building an Aging Alone Plan – Solving the Solo Epidemic
Aging alone, ‘elder orphans’ can rely on kids or spouses when …
Aging Alone: A Candid Guide to Money, Health and Living for Single …
You’ll be surprised how much is out there. Each individual needs to do their own research. Our needs are different, our desires are usually specific to our chosen lifestyle, and our financial situation will often dictate the direction we go in. Don’t forget that most people are good natured and want to help; help you find options and help you be independent.
I have a good friend who has decided that bringing together a group of friends in a single home or group of cottages, is the way to go. In this scenario, a group of people would all buy into a property and own equal shares. I like the idea in theory for many reasons; mainly, because you can do a lot more with five or six people contributing. You might have that oceanfront house you always wanted or you might be able to share a vehicle or hire help. The main problem would be equal contributions. Some people are better off financially and may want more amenities, whereas others, might be willing to settle for a lot less. Then there is also the issue of death and how to deal with ownership. All of these considerations could be dealt with, with the “right” group of individuals. I would think legal advice would be helpful.
I would not consider this option at this point in my life for the following reasons:
- I prefer quiet time and solitude most of the time.
- I’m not very fond of the way some people take care of themselves (I’m trying very hard to be diplomatic).
- My idea of clean doesn’t match up with most individuals. I’m not a germaphobe, but have you see how some people live?
- I like where I am.
One should be open to a change in attitude in the future. I’m always considering all of my options. The only thing certain in life is uncertainty.
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
― Letters to a Young Poet
I’m not going to go into details about assisted living because everyone knows what it is. There are a few advantages such as on-premises medical care and shared living expenses, but it’s not right for everyone. I sometimes think about activities taking place right where I live and whether or not I would like that. Two of my sisters live in Florida residences where there are many activities and I have stayed with both of them for short periods of time. I do believe some people need the social connections. You have to decide what works best for you. And of course, all assisted living arrangements are different; there may be one out there that suits your needs — if and when the time comes.
I consider myself fortunate. I have nieces and nephews I am certain would take care of me if I were unable to take care of myself. I don’t mean being hidden away in a basement either. I also have a couple of siblings who would drop everything to move in with me for a bit. I am hoping to never have to rely on family; however, it’s good to know that loved ones would be there for you if you needed them. It’s important to have a conversation about this possibility, rather than just assume that it’s a given.
My mom and I would always joke about what would happen if she needed help. I would tell her that there was no way she could ever move in with me, but she knew in her heart that I would be there for her. My dad and I discussed his options when his body became riddled with cancer. Trust is everything when the future is uncertain. I was fortunate to have many caring siblings when the time came to help dad live out the remainder of his life.
I have several siblings I am sure would come to help on a temporary basis. I also know that I have a couple of siblings that I could live with if need be. I do not believe I will ever have to take advantage of this, however, it sure is good to know that I will have that option available to me. I would do the same for any of my siblings. I would also have to admit that I would, in some cases, have to insist on some behavior modification (ie., no smoking in the house or dancing on the dining room table).
Friends and longterm care are a delicate matter. It’s one thing to impose on a family member and another to permanently move in with a friend or expect a friend to move in with you. Let’s face it, it’s a lot to ask of anyone; therefore, I must admit that I’m not sure about this one. Friends often surprise you. Being open to help from others is essential.
I have had this lifelong issue about not being able to ask for help, but I’ve become better about it recently. Sometimes it takes a crisis to consider your options. Leaning on anyone for anything has always been one of those things I’ve struggled with and to be frank, pride is usually the issue. It’s important to consider the cost of remaining independent, if for some reason you cannot care for yourself.
Worst Case Scenario
Not everyone likes to think about the future by considering “the worst case scenario.” What would happen if I lost my mobility? What if I had a stroke and could no longer care for myself? What would happen if my life partner died? These are big and important questions. Although it might be difficult to consider the possibilities, many choose not to think about them and end up in the predicament where they have no choice but to give in to whatever option is presented to them at the time of a tragic event or major lifestyle change.
I know a man who did not consider his future prior to a major life change and ended up being forced to live with a child whose spouse he did not get along with. He pitted his daughter against her spouse and it caused many problems in his child’s marriage, eventually leading to their separation.
I had a drink with a friend this week; he had no idea I was writing about this topic and I did not share that I was — I don’t like pushing my blog on friends. He voiced a concern about a house he is renovating. He said he wasn’t sure he would be able to live in the house because it has a second floor and that’s where his bedroom will be. I was surprised to hear him say this, however, I do understand his concern. My response was that if the second floor ever became a problem, he could move his bedroom to the first floor (I’ve seen people do it). He did not respond to my rebuttal.
I’m not sure why, but I do think people shy away from relocating in their own homes. Perhaps it forces you to face your own mortality; I’m not sure. Humans are funny; there are so many topics that we choose to avoid. I’m hoping this will get you thinking about your future. Please write if there are considerations I did not mention.
I admittedly prefer to stay put when everyone else is traveling. There are a couple of local beach spots that I will venture off to. Next week I will spend a couple of nights at a contemporary hotel in Tavira. Tavira is one of my favorite towns in Portugal and it’s only 30 minutes east of Faro by train. There is a month-long food festival happening in June and I would like to take advantage of the festival and a few days relaxing by a pool.
I have also booked a few days in Albufeira, a small coastal city about 30 minutes west of Faro. I will be taking a train there in mid-July. Albufeira has a very pretty Old Town area and a robust nightlife. There are times when one must put oneself in the center of activity in order to partake. All part of self-discovery. Going to bed at 9:00 p.m. on Saturday night is not always healthy for one’s social life. It’s so much easier when it’s not about me.
2 thoughts on “Aging Without A Partner”
Good to be making plans. We do too.
I bought my favorite shoulder bag in Albuferia. Wonderful town slipping into the sea ever so slowly.
I didn’t know that about Albufeira! Wow, that’s crazy. I’ll be there in a month; I’m sure it will still be there then.