I usually cut, paste, add, revise, trim, and republish, when I update a previously published blog. I decided that this topic is more than most, a reoccuring theme in my life, it would benefit me more, to start from scratch.

This will not be the last time this topic comes up. I know now that letting go is a lifelong struggle for me. A struggle I am determined to conquer.

What I Have or Will Let Go of Sooner or Later

• People, things, places, notions/ideas, acquaintances, anger, fear, self-imposed expectations, worries and pain.

This list is not an exhaustive one. I think about letting go on a daily basis; new items get added, while others fade away. Where I am emotionally matters a great deal in terms of how well I cope. Also, how well I have slept, how I feel at any given moment, what I have planned that day, the people I am with, and so on, factor in.

People

For me, people have always been my biggest challenge. When you hold yourself up to high standards, you tend to expect the same of others. When you do this, you set yourself up for tremendous disappointment. Human beings make lots of mistakes.

It should be noted that I own my shortcomings and difficulties. I know that I’m stubborn, righteous, too direct, sometimes unforgiving, unrelenting, and occasionally wrong. Still, there are three things that can come up in a relationship that may or not be deal breakers. If a couple of the boxes or one box in particular is checked, it’s game over, done, so long sister. The three are trust (deception), a failure to listen, and taking me for granted. There are more, but these are the big three.

If you don’t like Paco, it can be a problem. I do forgive people with a deep seeded fear of dogs. I’m not sure how anyone can truly fear this guy.

Things

Material things are nothing but a trap. When I moved to Portugal I left behind most of my things. I found it to be easier and more freeing than I expected. I highly recommend practicing detachment from material things. The one exception for me is my home. I am profoundly attached to my home; it is my safe haven, my nest, my sanctuary. I have learned that time at home is healing and restorative — especially when I’m home with Paco.

Ideas

I occasionally come up with a new idea. Let’s call it a new way of being or a change in the way I have lived in the past. For example, there was once a club of sorts. For the sake of this blog I will say that I belonged to a bowling league. I bowled with the same group of twenty or so people for 10 years. During our scheduled season, I bowled every week for 12 weeks. After two or three seasons, I became frustrated because my bowling was not improving. I bowled on days other than league days, I took lessons, I purchased new equipment; nothing worked. After a while I felt like a total failure and it didn’t feel good at all. I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me to quit. I was complaining to a friend over a beer and he asked me why I bowl. Oddly, no one had ever asked me this question. It took me 10 long minutes to respond and I finally answered that I had no idea. My friend’s advice was try a new activity. I heeded his advice, took up tennis and never looked back. It’s so easy to fall into a rut and allow misery to be the norm. This was one example of way too many.

You can apply this same condition to people in your life. If you cannot answer this simple question about a friend, it may be time to walk away: Does your friend treat you with respect? You can substitute family members or co-workers for friends in this exercise. Although, I acknowledge that walking away from either may be extremely complicated and difficult. Our attachments come with all sorts of societal baggage and expectations. The bottom line is that you need to take care of yourself. This has been one of my toughest life lessons.

What An Absence of Emotional Pain Feels Like

Therapy and aging are two different, yet equally effective ways of dealing with the people and things in life we need to walk away from. I once had a life coach helped me through a difficult break-up (and career crap). What I remember most about our conversations were how she normalized my angst. There are times and experiences in life that will make us feel bad no matter how hard we try to deny or hide it. The greatest lesson I have learned is to feel it and ride it out. When people tell you it gets easier, you never believe them, but the truth is that if you are able to endure the discomfort and hurt, it does get easier. You must also accept that: 1) it may become difficult again, and 2) people will try to accelerate the process — mostly so that they can feel better. Grieve, be angry, suffer, retreat, agonize over the pain; do it all at your own pace.

I titled this section “What An Absence of Emotional Pain Feels Like;” however, I’m not so sure emotional pain ever leaves us completely. Except of course, when we are dead. Emotional pain and discomfort seem to go along with the human condition . . . human beings feel many things, emotional pain is just one of them.

Feeling moments of joy after an emotional upset is entirely possible and probable. When those moments finally come, embrace those feelings as well. We are allowed to feel all of the range of emotions we were meant to feel. Most of us overly concern ourselves with how things might appear to others.

A Peaceful Place

Moments, hours, days, and sometimes weeks, away from people and situations that are causing us anxiety, is usually a good thing. Taking a step back to assess your feelings and state-of-mind, is a healthy part of the wellness plan. Some people know what is bad for them in an instant; others have to be told. I am open to being told, because I know that I don’t always see things that are right in front of me. I am blinded by empathy, obligation, and habit.

Upcoming Travel

I returned from a recent trip completely depleted. Isn’t a vacation supposed to be restorative? These days travel can zap all of your energy. Airports, Ubers, long lines, an hour wait for your table. No doubt you get the picture. I have consciously decided to give myself a break from travel and remain at home for a stretch. Except for the next few days: a short trip to Monte Gordo, Portugal and Seville, Spain. I’ve promised myself that this is it for a while.

My next trip (after Seville) will not be until March 2023. I will be flying to Fort Lauderdale to spend some time with good friends. Beyond Florida, I’ll be in the UK for a bit and France for short time. I’m realizing more and more that just a few days away is all I need for a reboot. My biggest trip in 2023 will be a two week adventure in Asia — land and sea. More about this trip in the coming months.

Thank You

I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for reading my blog. I haven’t published for a while, spending most of my free time reading. A few of you reached out to me to see if I was okay. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. I also want to let you all know that I feel better than I have in a long time. The essence of my life has always been love; I am feeling love deeply and profoundly at this moment in my life.

With much love and gratitude,

Christopher

Acceptance Part II and a Bit of Amsterdam

I’ve been trying to change several things about myself for a long, long time. Age helps you realize that there are things we cannot change. Acceptance is healthier and easier.

I’m in Amsterdam; a very tidy, liberal and picturesque city. It’s easy to walk and reflect, sit by a canal and ponder, or just allow your mind to wonder aimlessly. I write about acceptance a lot, I know. I have come to learn that denial is not sustainable or attractive.

Today is a good day to be grateful. It’s a beautiful spring day and I’m seeing a friend I rarely get to see. Today is not a day for feeling sorry for myself. Someone outside looking in might think I have nothing to sulk about, but in truth our demons can be invisible to others.

Today is more about acceptance. I apologize a lot, too much I think. I shouldn’t have said that, I should be more sensitive to how you’re feeling, I’m an idiot. Yes, I have uttered these words because I want to be liked and make myself smaller; less of a bully perhaps.

I am learning to accept the following:

I have physical limitations.

I beat my body up running marathons when I was young and fit and now I’m paying for it. There are things I can do to minimize the discomfort, but to say it’s frustrating is an understatement. Giving up some of the activities I was loved has been difficult. I’m finding news ways to challenge myself and push through the pain. This is one of those issues I believe you have to experience to truly understand the mental and emotional impact.

I am an older man.

When you have a voice inside your head saying you’re young and vital, it’s natural to believe it’s true. In truth, it’s better for me to accept reality. I am 63. It took some time and life experiences to get here. Embracing the truth and planning for the future will serve me well. Messages from the media and others may lead you to think you are done with the best part of your life; I know in my heart that the best is yet to come.

I am not the sharpest tack in the box.

This is not me being self-deprecating. I having always been aware of my intellectual limitations. I work hard to be informed and I use my average intelligence to gain as much knowledge as is possible. I think it’s unfortunate to believe you are smarter than you actually are. Humility and acceptance are better qualities for getting along with others. Some mistake humilty for conceit, but that’s more their problem than mine.

I may never love again.

It’s not sad or self-defeating or giving-up, it’s truth. I have been very fortunate to have been deeply in love multiple times. I know the space you have to be in to allow yourself to feel deep, unselfish, passionate love. For reasons I’m choosing not to divulge, I am not currently in this space. I hope that I will someday open myself up to these intense feelings, but for now I am happy to continue to fall in love with myself. Some say that this is necessary for the former to happen. I don’t know what is true for others; what I do know for certain, is that I have a lot to learn before I can give and receive a lasting love. The good news is that I embrace this truth and I accept what is or is not to be.

I like my creature comforts.

I have come to learn that there are many things I no longer wish to endure:

• Two foot snow banks that I have dig my way out of.
• People who are not genuine.
• Individuals who lack empathy and understanding.
• Lies
• Drama
• A twin bed
• A man who is not a car mechanic and has dirt under his fingernails.
• An excess amount of cologne or gnarly toenails.
• People who talk and talk and do not listen.
• People who ask you how you are, but couldn’t care less.
• People who cut to the front of the line.
• Haters

Try this exercise; it’s good to read these back to yourself and feel good about your list.

Many of you will read this and think it’s poppycock and ridiculous, others will relate, and still others will wonder why I am sharing such inane thoughts. It’s all good.

Amsterdam

What I can tell you about Amsterdam, is that it’s worth visiting: beauty everywhere, wonderful people who for the most part speak English, culturally rich and diverse, great food, easy to get around, not cheap but not London, and a good place for reflection.

See subscribe buttons on previous posts, not sure why but I couldn’t add it on my phone app. I promise to add it when I get home.

Heading home Wednesday for a long awaited visit from my good friend David. I have a few trips in the next few months… To be continued.

Note:

This was the first time I have gone on holiday and left my laptop at home. Writing on a phone is not easy when your fingers are the size large sausages. Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors.

If you’re thinking about flying into Madeira and you’re one of these people who gets all tense when it’s time to land, DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/video-1130293/SCARY-plane-landing-caught-camera-Madeira-Airport.html.

I was fortunate to have my entire row on the TAP flight coming into Madeira. I slid over from my aisle seat (I always sit in this seat so I can get up to pee without bothering anyone; I pee a lot), to get a good view of the landing. I had heard about the sometimes high winds and cancelled flights due to the aforementioned, but I stopped myself from watching videos or reading about my impending landing. Once it was happening in real time, I had to see it. We were approaching this magnificent island and the landing strip came into view. I had never seen it before and from a distance, it looked like columns on a huge palace. The whole experience was thrilling.

Just before landing, an announcement was made about a COVID-19 test at the airport. I was unaware that the government, the day before, had instituted a new policy about testing at the airport. I must admit that even though I was fairly certain I’d be negative, there was that .5% chance that I could have had the virus and I was asymptomatic. I was glad I had paid a little extra for additional legroom because I was at the front of the plane and I would be tested quickly. I have to compliment the Portuguese for their organization skills; this process was exceptionally well orchestrated. I had registered on-line, how I was traveling and where I was staying, and that saved me a bit of time. Honestly, it might have been six minutes from start to finish. The test is a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as I had anticipated — only a few seconds of poking and swabbing. I was told the results would be emailed to me within the next 12 hours. I confess I didn’t check until this morning; I knew that if I’d tested positive I wouldn’t sleep. Fortunately, I had a very pleasant eight hours and woke-up to negative test results. You can talk yourself into almost anything.

One of the reasons I decided to fly to Madeira, aside from the island being on my “must go” list, is that most of Europe is a bargain (if you can go) right now. I get all happy inside when I land on a great deal. My four star hotel is normally double the price this time of year and I flew round trip for less than $200. I am on an island off of the northwest coast of Africa; not sure how much more exotic and perfect you could get?

There is a Aerobus right outside the airport that will get you very close to most hotels in Funchal for 5 Euros (8 roundtrip). The bus driver announced my stop and the Hotel Allegro was right across the street — no dragging of luggage and searching for my hotel with Google Maps.

I spent quite a lot of time booking my hotel. I didn’t even consider Airbnb this time for three reasons:

1. I wanted a room with a seaview
2. I wanted a big breakfast in the morning
3. It had to be an “adults only” hotel (love, love, love the little ones, but not on this trip)

They do breakfast at hotels really well in Portugal. It’s often included in the rate and it is quite a treat with omlets, fresh fruit, homemade jams, yogurt, granola and all sorts of delicious cakes. There is a photo below, but I don’t think you can tell that there is a mimosa in the photo; trust me, they had fresh orange juice and sparkling wine, I had two every morning.

The Hotel Allegro is in an area called Lido (allegro means: at a brisk speed and that sums me up) . The hotel is minutes from the beach, walking distance (or city bus) to Old Town, and surrounded by some very good restaurants. It’s a four star hotel, but I’d put it in the mid-range price group — important to have enough money to eat and drink while traveling. The room was spacious, comfortable, and had a Nespresso coffee maker. I was supplied with pods for the entire week. I bought some whole milk right next store and I had my 5:30 a.m. coffee in my room, every morning. You know by now how much the “little things” mean to me. The hotel also had a very nice gym overlooking the pool (used it four times) and a jacuzzi and sauna that were not in use due to the freakin’ virus. When you use the gym on vacation, you feel as if you can eat more pastry and so I did . . . eat more pastry.

I spent my entire first day sitting by the pool with a Grisham novel. The pool bar served a variety of cocktails and the bar menu was adequate. I had a delicious Caesar salad with huge chunks of chicken and fresh parmesan. Happy thoughts, happy body, happy tummy. By the way, pretty spectacular weather in early September; some clouds, but mostly sunny with temps in the high 70s and low 80s. I was told the weather is always good in Madeira. You’d have to look that up.

The Prince Albert Pub, a British Pub with British eats, for my first dinner. I wasn’t very hungry, I had battered shrimp and a margarita. Lots of people from the UK come here on holiday; their presence can be felt everywhere — not a criticism, more an observation.

A Casa do Vizinho for a scrumptious dinner my second evening. I had settled on a nicely reviewed Italian restaurant, however, it was closed on Monday night. Casa do Vizinho was a lovely alternative. Very pleasant outdoor seating, a view of the Atlantic, and a quiet side street. I had pork, mashed potatoes, all smothered with a rich & creamy mushroom gravy; delicious, but it would not have photographed well.

Mostly just relaxed and figured out where everything was on my second day.

Day Three in the Old Town

I ain’t gonna lie, you’ve seen one Old Town in Portugal, you’ve seen them all. Always a pretty church, always lots of cafés, and most assuredly, old architecture. There was something in Funchal’s Old Town I wanted to see and that was Rua do Santa Maria, a street filled with art covered buildings:

I was not at all disappointed. Many other streets in the Old Town were crowded, however, Rua do Santa Maria was all mine to take-in and enjoy. Sorry, I was not focusing on my photography skills. I did not get to see all the artwork, but I have learned over time, to always leave a bit for another trip.

Next on my day of playing tourist, I took the Teleférico do Funchal (cable car) up to the top of the mountain overlooking the city. I paid 11 Euros for a one-way ticket thinking it would be nice to take a bus down and see Funchal from a different perspective — very bad idea. Sitting on a hot city bus with a mask on, going down some very curvy roads, stopping to pick people up way too often, made me sick to my stomach. One hour of this and I was done.

The last photo is of community garden plots. I kept thinking about my time in Maine and how great it was to have a garden plot to grow vegetables.

At Carreiros do Monte you can have two men run you down the mountain in a wicker basket. It cost 25 Euros for one person (add another 5 or 10 for a tip) and 30 for two. It’s a very unique Madeira experience I just wasn’t in the mood to partake. There was a time in my life I would not have missed this experience, but alas those days are over. My heart goes out to these men whom I’m certain would normally be making a decent living; now they’re mostly standing around waiting for tourists who may not come for quite some time.

After hours of sightseeing and exploring, all I wanted to do was take a dive into my hotel pool, cool off, nap, and enjoy a well deserved ice cold cocktail. There was a German couple staying at Allegro and I could not help noticing them; in their 60s and very much in love. They held each other in the water, looked into one another’s eyes for what seemed like hours, kissed a lot and generally behaved like teenagers. I was jealous and awestruck. I honestly hope to feel this way about someone once again; very sweet and heartwarming indeed.

Dinner my third night at a local Italian restaurant with a view of the sea and a very talented guitar player. I had a half-bottle of some very nice Douro red, melon and Portuguese ham (the melon wasn’t ripe), and some “just okay” seafood tagliatelle. I won’t mention the name because although it was fine for my purposes, I wouldn’t recommend it. There are times when I’m travelling when all I want is a simple hot meal and a short walk back to my hotel. This restaurant was was perfect for what I required that night.

Day 4 — Skywalk, Wine Tasting and the Bumpiest Ride of My Life

You cannot and should not go to Madeira without going to Skywalk. I booked a full day island tour through Airbnb. I usually find their tours to be smaller and friendlier.

Dinner at The Wanderer

I made this reservation about a month ago. The restaurant only opened in October, but the reviews were excellent. Crazy concept: one day a week, one time slot, one table, one price, and whatever the chef is serving. I love that. 125 Euros, however, by most standards, a cocktail, five courses, and wine pairings, all in — that’s pretty darn reasonable. This was my one big splurge in Madeira. Save for the AC being out, this was an experience worth waiting for. Good company at the table and impeccable service. All around a winner.

My review for the Fork:

Christopher P. September 8, 2020 •

We live in a world of uniformity; these days very few experiences stand out as unique and memorable. Chef Selim is engaging, intelligent and masterful. His dishes are difficult to describe because they’re unlike other dishes you have been served and that’s a good thing. He and his staff will make you feel “at home” from the moment you enter this thoughtfully designed, intimate space. Each bite was magic and every pairing, complimentary. I’ve been dining out for 50 years and I have never had an experience that compared to The Wanderer. Perhaps Chef Selim will inspire others to follow suit.

That’s not soil in the center of the second photo (top right); Chef Selim forages mushrooms and prepares them many different ways.

Day Five

Dolphin Watching and a swim in the Atlantic — I normally do not partake in large group activities, however, dolphin watching was included in my day four tour and I was able to push it off to the next day. I was welcomed aboard the Seaborn and I have to admit, it was an extremely pleasant three hours. The catamaran was not at all overcrowded and everyone was well-behaved. It was a gorgeous day and there were dolphins swimming alongside the boat a good part of the trip (there really are dolphins in the last photo below — they were black dolphins). We had a chance to take a dip and the water was delightful. Proving to myself, once again, that I need to keep an open mind; easier said than done when you think you’ve done it all.

Dinner at Asian Flavours (the Brits put a “u” in flavor; not a British island, but as I said, you see their influence everywhere); a nice 15 minute walk from the hotel. My sweet & sour chicken and egg fried rice was delicious and exactly what I wanted in my belly. I had a view of the sea, great service and I was showered and in my pjs by 9:30 p.m.

I must have been exhausted from sailing and walking for the better part of the day. I crawled into my comfy bed and slept 10 hours. I think the last time that happened, I was 15 years old. Honestly, when you’ve had a restful night like that, you wake up feeling like you could accomplish just about anything.

My Last Full Day (day six)

I was excited to get home to Paco in 24 hours. I couldn’t think of a better way to end my trip than a long workout at my hotel’s gym, followed by a return to the pool with Grisham’s novel (yes, same novel), The Rooster Bar. The Madeira Wine Festival was taking place and I admittedly was tempted, but sometimes you just have to be horizontal and relax.

Lunch at a local fresh fish restaurant that has been open for years and had good reviews. I’m not going to write about it. I have been eyeing a bakery near my hotel since my arrival and dessert was imperative and perfection. Lots of offerings and good coffee — Boutique Lido. Definitely worth the calories; pastry eye candy.

Final Words

I got to have a bonus day in Madeira. TAP changed my original flight about a week prior to my trip and pushed it back eight hours, which would have had me returning to Faro at midnight. I called the airline (got them on the phone right away) and told them it was unacceptable to have me sit in the airport in Madeira for eight hours due to a noon hotel checkout. The very agreeable operator said he’d be happy to book me on another flight. I asked if I could return the next day; he quickly booked me on a flight the following morning. Apparently, they have this policy that if the change is 5 hours or more, you can make a flight change without a fee; good policy. I called my hotel and added a day. Whenever I have been able to add a day to a vacation, my “bonus day” has always been special. Making lemonade out of lemons.

There was so much to see and do on the island of Madeira, I believe I must return. When I lived in the States, the Caribbean was a quick and reasonable getaway, now I have Madeira. It is perhaps one of the most beautiful places I have ever been; the people are lovely, the accommodations superb, it’s safe, it’s affordable, and it’s Portuguese. I hit a home run choosing to travel to Madeira during the time of COVID-19 and I look forward to returning sometime soon. Six full days on the island was perfect; good to know for the next time.

Yes, I do spoil myself. Admittedly, taking care of myself and attending to mind, body and spirit, has been the greatest lesson of my life so far. I dare say, it may end up being the greatest lesson of my life period. Well, that and knowing when to say, I have had enough.

Looks like Bristol, England, September 30 is off. The UK is bringing back the quarantine regulation for travellers from Portugal due to increased COVID-19 cases. EasyJet made it easy to change my flights and the hotel had a free cancellation policy — the only way to book these days. I’m learning to live with these daily changes and minore upsets.

*Happiness: What is it? (click for Betul’s site)

 

 

Another one of those “I won’t feel sorry for myself” blogs.

As you know, many people, consciously or unconsciously, decide to have children so that there will be someone to take care of them when they get old. Now don’t get all judgie on me, I’m not saying that it’s the primary reason for having children; stating that it is certainly one of many. So how does one sort out being single and/or childless and having to face the idea that he or she might be alone when help is needed later on in life. The other factor to consider, is the reality that children are moving further and further away from their parents. Another consideration is the unpredictability of the future and the longevity of a life partnership:  people die, we get divorced, life happens.

I certainly cannot speak for all individuals in this position, however, I can and will, speak for myself.

I think we can all agree that remaining in a relationship because you fear being alone, is a terrible plan. I unfortunately know too many people who are in this situation. I have known friends who were “stuck” and then for whatever reason, decided to move on and never regretted that decision. On the flip side, I have also seen couples decide to stay together and consequently work through their issues. Fortunately, the stigma of remaining or choosing to be single is quickly disappearing. We have options.

 

Taking Action

There are several ways to tackle a problem. You can sit around and worry yourself to death or you can take action. By “take action” I mean develop a plan. Brainstorming all of your options on paper is one way to do this. If you know someone whom you trust and who you know will not judge you, it might be a good idea to ask them to brainstorm with you. There are so many different ways to deal with this issue and frankly, you may not currently be familiar with some of them.

 

Remaining Single (or not)           To Assist if Needed                    Options

Independence	Brother	Paid Care
Quiet	Niece	Assisted Living
No drama	Friend	Move in with relatives
A life choice		Create a Community House
		Agreement with friends

Create a simple chart to organize your thoughts. I’m obsessed with charts.

 

Research

An abundance of good information is currently available on the internet (I will provide a few — click title for info):

Building an Aging Alone Plan – Solving the Solo Epidemic

Aging alone, ‘elder orphans’ can rely on kids or spouses when …

Aging Alone: A Candid Guide to Money, Health and Living for Single …

You’ll be surprised how much is out there. Each individual needs to do their own research. Our needs are different, our desires are usually specific to our chosen lifestyle, and our financial situation will often dictate the direction we go in. Don’t forget that most people are good natured and want to help; help you find options and help you be independent.

 

Community Houses

I have a good friend who has decided that bringing together a group of friends in a single home or group of cottages, is the way to go. In this scenario, a group of people would all buy into a property and own equal shares. I like the idea in theory for many reasons; mainly, because you can do a lot more with five or six people contributing. You might have that oceanfront house you always wanted or you might be able to share a vehicle or hire help. The main problem would be equal contributions. Some people are better off financially and may want more amenities, whereas others, might be willing to settle for a lot less. Then there is also the issue of death and how to deal with ownership. All of these considerations could be dealt with, with the “right” group of individuals. I would think legal advice would be helpful.

I would not consider this option at this point in my life for the following reasons:

1. I prefer quiet time and solitude most of the time.
2. I’m not very fond of the way some people take care of themselves (I’m trying very hard to be diplomatic).
3. My idea of clean doesn’t match up with most individuals. I’m not a germaphobe, but have you see how some people live?
4. I like where I am.

One should be open to a change in attitude in the future. I’m always considering all of my options. The only thing certain in life is uncertainty.

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

 

Assisted Living

I’m not going to go into details about assisted living because everyone knows what it is. There are a few advantages such as on-premises medical care and shared living expenses, but it’s not right for everyone. I sometimes think about activities taking place right where I live and whether or not I would like that. Two of my sisters live in Florida residences where there are many activities and I have stayed with both of them for short periods of time. I do believe some people need the social connections. You have to decide what works best for you. And of course, all assisted living arrangements are different; there may be one out there that suits your needs — if and when the time comes.

 

Family

I consider myself fortunate. I have nieces and nephews I am certain would take care of me if I were unable to take care of myself. I don’t mean being hidden away in a basement either. I also have a couple of siblings who would drop everything to move in with me for a bit. I am hoping to never have to rely on family; however, it’s good to know that loved ones would be there for you if you needed them. It’s important to have a conversation about this possibility, rather than just assume that it’s a given.

My mom and I would always joke about what would happen if she needed help. I would tell her that there was no way she could ever move in with me, but she knew in her heart that I would be there for her. My dad and I discussed his options when his body became riddled with cancer. Trust is everything when the future is uncertain. I was fortunate to have many caring siblings when the time came to help dad live out the remainder of his life.

I have several siblings I am sure would come to help on a temporary basis. I also know that I have a couple of siblings that I could live with if need be. I do not believe I will ever have to take advantage of this, however, it sure is good to know that I will have that option available to me. I would do the same for any of my siblings. I would also have to admit that I would, in some cases, have to insist on some behavior modification (ie., no smoking in the house or dancing on the dining room table).

 

Friends

Friends and longterm care are a delicate matter. It’s one thing to impose on a family member and another to permanently move in with a friend or expect a friend to move in with you. Let’s face it, it’s a lot to ask of anyone; therefore, I must admit that I’m not sure about this one. Friends often surprise you. Being open to help from others is essential.

 

Financial Freedom

I have had this lifelong issue about not being able to ask for help, but I’ve become better about it recently. Sometimes it takes a crisis to consider your options. Leaning on anyone for anything has always been one of those things I’ve struggled with and to be frank, pride is usually the issue. It’s important to consider the cost of remaining independent, if for some reason you cannot care for yourself.

 

Worst Case Scenario

Not everyone likes to think about the future by considering “the worst case scenario.” What would happen if I lost my mobility? What if I had a stroke and could no longer care for myself? What would happen if my life partner died? These are big and important questions. Although it might be difficult to consider the possibilities, many choose not to think about them and end up in the predicament where they have no choice but to give in to whatever option is presented to them at the time of a tragic event or major lifestyle change.

I know a man who did not consider his future prior to a major life change and ended up being forced to live with a child whose spouse he did not get along with. He pitted his daughter against her spouse and it caused many problems in his child’s marriage, eventually leading to their separation.

I had a drink with a friend this week; he had no idea I was writing about this topic and I did not share that I was — I don’t like pushing my blog on friends. He voiced a concern about a house he is renovating. He said he wasn’t sure he would be able to live in the house because it has a second floor and that’s where his bedroom will be. I was surprised to hear him say this, however, I do understand his concern. My response was that if the second floor ever became a problem, he could move his bedroom to the first floor (I’ve seen people do it). He did not respond to my rebuttal.

I’m not sure why, but I do think people shy away from relocating in their own homes. Perhaps it forces you to face your own mortality; I’m not sure. Humans are funny; there are so many topics that we choose to avoid. I’m hoping this will get you thinking about your future. Please write if there are considerations I did not mention.

 

 

Summer Travel

I admittedly prefer to stay put when everyone else is traveling. There are a couple of local beach spots that I will venture off to. Next week I will spend a couple of nights at a contemporary hotel in Tavira. Tavira is one of my favorite towns in Portugal and it’s only 30 minutes east of Faro by train. There is a month-long food festival happening in June and I would like to take advantage of the festival and a few days relaxing by a pool.

I have also booked a few days in Albufeira, a small coastal city about 30 minutes west of Faro. I will be taking a train there in mid-July. Albufeira has a very pretty Old Town area and a robust nightlife. There are times when one must put oneself in the center of activity in order to partake. All part of self-discovery. Going to bed at 9:00 p.m. on Saturday night is not always healthy for one’s social life. It’s so much easier when it’s not about me.