Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

Triggers and Such

I Have a Few

What is a trigger in mental health?

In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment (healthline.com).

I was in the middle of writing this and I happened to see Hugh Grant being interviewed on a talk show. He was asked if there is anything these days that pisses him off (paraphrasing). He said, “There are so many things.” Having watched this actor go through some very difficult times, It felt good to know I am not alone. I suspect a few of you reading this will agree.

I’m going to start by stating some of the things that trigger me:

  • when people do not listen when others are speaking directly to them
  • when someone jumps ahead in line
  • lying, cheating, and deception
  • when I share how I feel or what I think and the person I’m talking to immediately gets defensive (I have to be careful because I sometimes get defensive)
  • when someone gets away with a violation of the law, when others have been severely punished for the same crime
  • when people do not pick up their dog poop
  • the revving of motorcycle engines (noise pollution; usually teenagers and usually when I’m reading)
  • when someone cuts me off while I’m driving
  • when someone pushes me
  • when someone yells at me
  • when google maps sends me in circles or to the wrong address
  • people who try to enter a train or elevator before those who are exiting
  • when I’m sitting at an outdoor café on a beautiful day and someone at the table next to me is doing something to ruin the experience (could be any number of things)
  • when government agencies deliberately use red tape to deter you from pursuing a benefit
  • when people talk during a film
  • when parents do nothing to quiet their screaming babies
  • when people speak loudly on their cell phones (especially on public transportation)
  • when salespeople try to tell me what I need
  • when doctors (or other professionals) are condescending
  • when someone drinks like a fish (or orders a Tomahawk) at dinner and wants to split the check
  • when young people take a seat on public transportation and then fail to offer their seat to those who need to sit
  • when an individual insists on talking to me about their religion even when I insist I am not interested
  • when individuals use a public restroom and leave it a mess
  • when someone comes to my house for a dinner party and says, “I meant to bring you something, but I forgot” or “I didn’t have time to stop.”

As I was typing, I realized my list is endless. I’d love to know about your triggers.

My Reaction to Being Triggered

I imagine that many of you will relate to how it feels to be triggered. It seems like it doesn’t take much to set people off these days. Lately, my immediate reaction to being triggered is rage. After the initial internal explosion of anger, I assess the situation. Is it safe for me to communicate my displeasure? Unfortunately, most people cannot handle feedback; therefore, I have to hold back. This has been true for past relationships and interaction with family as well. Baggage I have carried with me since childhood has had a big impact on my everyday life. The things that trigger me have remained fairly consistent; what has changed is how I react.

What Control Looks Like

If I can diffuse my anger and walk away, that is by far the best response. I take a deep breath and consider a healthy way to cope. If I’m on the road, I try my best to switch to soothing music. If the anger builds and I feel myself remaining tense, I pull over and sit for a while. If I’m on the street, I cross over to the opposite side. If I’m in a shop, I leave. If I need to buy something, I go to another part of the shop and wait a few minutes.

When I worked in an office I had no choice but to completely control my anger. Considering I worked in the same place for 16 years and I was promoted several times, I must have been successful at holding back. I recall walking to my office, closing the door, and taking several deep breaths. Ultimately I did lose my cool with my boss and then resigned a few days later; however, in all fairness, it was time.

I think when you can control your anger in the workplace, you should be able to do it everywhere else. If you find you have trouble responding in a healthy way, there are people and organizations available to help. I found that a life coach, was a life saver.

The Work

Ah the hard work that needs to be done — it ain’t easy. In order to prevent myself from becoming an angry old man, I need to be aware of my triggers and work on my reaction. I need to react in a healthy way, without the help of substances. Here’s the plan:

  1. The first thing I need to do is choose healthy responses to most situations. Create a tool box with tools I can call upon.
  2. I need to practice with someone I trust. I need to be fully present.
  3. After I try a response, I need to assess the success of said response. Did I remain calm? Did I carry the anger with me all day or night? If I was able to diffuse the anger, what did I learn from it?
  4. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until a successful response becomes my go to in the future.
  5. Do a regular check on where I am with anger control.
  6. Congratulate myself for making progress and learning new behaviors.
  7. Ask people I trust, how I’m doing.

One needs to also keep in mind that some amount of anger is healthy — it’s good to feel rage, so long as you can control it.

What I Strive For

Ultimately, I’d like to be nonplussed by my triggers — I’d like to stop caring as much as I do. For example, I witness someone leaving dog poop on the street and I either pick it up myself or turn the other way. No lingering anger or resentment, just acceptance and a version of indifference.

I don’t want to be “that guy.” That guy who pisses and moans about everything; that guy who is labeled “negative;” that guy who doesn’t see the good in things or people; that guy with a short fuse; that guy who doesn’t care about anything. I want to be known as easygoing and sexy (just wanted to be sure you were paying attention).

I observed a person I was spending time with yesterday, being triggered several times. I observed several passive aggressive responses to their anger. A great way to learn how not to respond. Nobody likes the tension caused by this sort of reaction. This is why Karens are unpopular.

Please feel free to subscribe. Add your email and my blog will be sent whenever it’s published.

Future Travel

Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway, July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv. I know you may not see it, but this is a much lighter travel schedule than the past.

Current State of Mind

I’m having my wood floors refinished next month and it will be a big mess (I don’t like messes). In anticipation, I am taking it easy and keeping plans to a minimum. I know that my life will be turned upside down for at least a week in mid-January; therefore, I’m enjoying the holiday season and the quiet that I am experiencing now.

Namaste
Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

I May Be Boring . . .

But You’re Freakin’ Crazy

Before I get to the meaty part of this week’s blog, I wanted to report that I sometimes run the chosen topic by a select group of friends or one particular friend, to get their reaction(s). Today, several people told me that they didn’t understand why I consider myself to be boring. If I’m going to be honest, I think these people who happen to love me, are being kind and/or overly protective. I decided that if this is how I currently perceive myself, then it is my truth.

To be clear, I don’t believe I was always boring, but in fact, I’m very happy to be in my current state of dull, uninteresting, sometimes even anti-social being.

The Dilemma

Lately, I’ve been struggling with whether or not I want to be included in people’s plans. Being that I’m human, of course I’d like to be considered; however, on the other hand, as an introvert, being home in my drama-free, comfortable, quiet place is also desirable and appealing.

Stimulating conversation with intelligent people is quite nice. I learn things from others I may not have known otherwise . . . where to purchase things, restaurants I should consider, extraordinary wines to sample, opinions that make sense; the list is endless.

Why a Delightful Lifestyle for Me, May be Boring to You

I have a jazz club a few streets away from me. They have a Sunday program at a very civilized time slot, 6:00 p.m. I do not ever make plans with friends to go to the Club because I like keeping it open ended. On Sunday afternoon, I check-in with myself and if I’m up for a change of scenery and a bit of music, I walk down to the Club and enjoy the music for as long (or short) as I like. I love the freedom in that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the same way about short trips away. It’s not that I do not want to be with friends, it’s that I love spontaneity — the ability to pack a bag at the last minute; not many of the people I know would join me (or can join me).

So What Does Boring Look Like

Is old age the cause or just knowing yourself better? You’re not old you say? Well hell, I’m certainly not young. I can ride the train for half price in Portugal.

You already know that I love the quiet hours between 4:15 and 7:00 a.m. It has become my time for refueling and sublime peace — the phone never rings, the park across the street from my apartment is empty (and safe); Paco loves running in the open grassy field, that first cup of coffee is liquid gold, and a few chocolate biscuits or crunchy granola and Greek yogurt, drizzled with amber Portuguese honey, all adds up to my own private nirvana. Is that boring? I suspect some would rather die than welcome the world at that hour; coffee or no coffee. Fortunately, we are not all the same.

Fast forward to dusk, a glass of red and the setting sun out on my terrace. The students who trample on my daylight hours are all gone. The trees in front of my building are filtering the last light of day, the Ria Formosa is glistening diamonds, and a movie is cued-up signaling my eyelids to droop, as I drift in and out of slumber. Boring or contentment? There is a huge difference between being boring and being bored; however, it should be noted that neither is deadly. I have covered the morning and night hours, what happens in between?

I leave the middle part of the day for socializing, knowing that being a hermit is bad for my psychological and emotional well-being. I need interaction with other humans in order to be able to savor the other parts of the day. People keep me centered and nourished; people make me laugh, question my humanity, force me to keep a calendar, and people will be there for me if and when I cannot make it on my own. People in my life are just as important as food and water and Paco and a comfy bed to sleep in. But people need to be reminded of their place now and then, so consider this your reminder. And thank you for being my people.

Enter email address for a free subscription — dropped in your inbox whenever a blog is published.

I’ll not complain about your boring life, if you just leave me to mine.

— Elton John

I think I live such a boring life. But I can’t imagine any other kind of life, so I guess it’s the life I want.

— John Baldessari

Future Travel

Quick few days in Seville, Spain, Asia land & sea, end of October/November, Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Portland, Maine, Maryland, North Carolina and maybe the west coast.

Travel definitely shakes up the routine, allowing me to eat dinner later, visit evening music venues, and sleep a little later in the morning. To be completely honest, sometimes I order in, prop myself up in my hotel’s comfy bed, and just enjoy a night without plans. The nice thing about traveling with a friend is the guilt they place on me — forcing me to experience the city or town I spent all of that time and money traveling to.

Current State-of Mind

I need to come to terms with the anger I feel about mufflerless motorbikes zipping around Faro. Paco jumps every time one of these bikes loudly races past my building. I can deal with so many city sounds, but this insanely loud, teenage boy ego prompted unnecessary noise, truly gets under my skin. I’m trying to think of an equivalent norm from my teen years . . . maybe gangs or souped up sports cars? I don’t recall any of it being as obnoxiously loud. Old man syndrome perhaps.

The invasive sounds I can tolerate: airplanes flying overhead, buses lowering themselves so that the elderly and disabled can board, ambulance and police vehicle sirens sounding so that cars can scoot over, children laughing, hedge trimmers, and dogs talking to one another as they pass on the sidewalk.

I’m trying so hard to tolerate the chaos and appreciate the silence. This ol’ boring guy just wants to find a way to navigate life without drama and/or the need to self-medicate.

Please forgive any and all typographical and grammatical errors.

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

Do You Think You’re Better Than Anyone Else?

Do People Know When They Are Being Fake?

I chose this photo because I immediately judged the subject; Look at me, look at me, I’m different, I’m beautiful.” In truth, he (if this person identifies as a he), is probably just making a buck modeling and what’s wrong with that — this is my internal dialog around tolerance and acceptance.

A Recent Observation

I took a long walk to a trendy restaurant in Basel, Switzerland last week. I have to say, I definitely dig hipster food. Young up and coming chefs trying to stand out in a crowded field are showing up these days. Their food can be fresh, delicious, and creative; I want to eat it whenever I can. The clientele these chefs are attracting, can be horrible people — by horrible, I mean fake . . . pretentious . . . showy . . . ugly.

I observed a group in this restaurant in Basel and it got me thinking.

What I Witness All Around Me

I love the city of Faro for many reasons, but mostly I love it because it is a working class city that doesn’t pretend to me something else. For the most part, people live in modest homes and drive small, inexpensive cars. Buildings are not ostentatious and grander than they need to be. If you like places that boast garish, way too massive homes, more power to you — live there, play there, stay there.

Whether it’s where you went to university, where you live, the hotel where you stayed in Paris, your child’s accomplishments, etc., shut up about it and let people learn of those things from either asking you or from others who might boast for you.

Perhaps it was my upbringing; having been born into poverty and a city in decay, I don’t appreciate excess. It seems to me that a big chunk of humanity is biting off more than they can chew. At some point, the world will implode. Or perhaps climate change will wipe the slate clean.

Ask me about my travels, I’m happy to tell you about the two-star hotels I stay in.

The Best Thing About Being Retired

I do not have to impress anyone in order to make a buck. I cannot count the number of times in my career when I had to smile when I could vomit or listen to someone spewing nonsense when all I wanted to do was flee. Work socials, conventions, visitors to campus; so many insecure or narcissistic nobodies trying to be somebody. There were a few authentic and modest individuals I truly enjoyed being around, but there were more ego inflated buffoons who were legends in their own minds — celebrity chefs come to mind. Inflated egos are difficult to navigate.

Tolerating Fake People

We are surrounded by individuals who for one reason or another need validation by boasting about what they have or relying on people to tell them how incredible their lives appear to be. Social media has accentuated this in a perverse way.

Here are some ways to deal with these individuals:

  • Avoid them by going nowhere near where they might be
  • Buffer yourself by having a friend who doesn’t seem to mind them, sit right next to them
  • Say something like, “Oh I wish I had time to pay attention to such things, or I drove into that neighborhood once, but I was profiled by the police and escorted out.”
  • Stay quiet until you can no longer control yourself and then tell them to fuck off
  • Lead by example
  • Do what’s best for you and ignore the rest
  • Just be better

Do People Know What They Sound Like?

Humans have this uncanny habit of believing something to be true just because it’s been said a number of times; even if it’s an internal voice and even if it’s false.

I often wonder, while I’m listening, if people have any clue about how pretentious and ridiculous they sound? I wish I could say something right while they’re doing it. I believe that some of the people I know will read this blog and think, “I know people who brag about everything; it’s disgusting.”

I know that I have been focusing on what is real and true a lot lately. Why? The death of siblings, living on a budget (I hopefully have a few good years left and I’ll need groceries right up until the end — I worked in the education sector, not hedge fund management), having friends that are so ill they cannot leave their homes, aging, self-reflection, empathy, our current political landscape — it’s a combination of all of these living realities. Maybe pissing and moaning makes me feel better. I never want to feel superior; however, I do want to feel good, safe, and hopeful.

It’s a good time to remind myself that I am no better than anyone else. That includes you. I know that when I’m dead, no one will care about the car I drove or the size of my condominium — these things will not have defined or informed my life or character.

Enter email address for a free subscription — dropped in your inbox whenever a blog is published.

Future Travel

Asia land & sea, end of October/November, Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Portland, Maine, Maryland, North Carolina and maybe the west coast.

Trust me, it’s all done on a budget; no business class or Four Seasons. I should note that travel is a big part of my blog, therefore, I do not consider this section of my blog boasting. Let me know if you believe it is — always interesting to get your perspective.

Current State-of Mind

I have to admit that sometimes I’m pissy and I don’t know why. The weather is great, I’m seeing good friends, I’m eating well, sleeping well, my health is good, Paco is healthy; it’s all good, but I’m still pissy. Not all the time; it comes and goes and I refuse to take a pill in order to hide or mask it. Instead I just walk around trying to manage it.

Pissy defined: negative attitude, short tempered, difficult to please.

Maybe it’s the high school students revving their motorcycles on my street? Maybe it’s my ginger beer price going up 50% from one week to the next (I hate how business owners are profiting from inflation)? Could it be the dog shit I stepped in yesterday? Perhaps it’s friends who seem completely self-absorbed? Yes, it’s all of the above that is making me pissy.

Remembering Dianne Feinstein, who lived an exemplary life and served us well. Rest in peace Dianne.

Please forgive any and all typographical and grammatical errors. I hate proofreading and I often get crazy with commas.

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

What or Who Inspires You?

What Lights a Spark Under Your Bum

inspire

verb

  1. 1.fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. “His philosophy inspired a later generation of environmentalists.” Google def.

To fill with the urge to do or feel something. Not so easy is it? Do you inspire people? Does it matter to you? Did it once matter, but it doesn’t anymore? With age, cynicism often follows. You’ve been around the block a few times; therefore, you’re no longer easily impressed and/or moved.

I love that they use the word “environmentalists” when providing an example of inspiration in a sentence. Inspiration can sometimes be when you are moved to act; when something touches you in a way that causes you to take a stand. These days I am inspired by Ukrainians who are fighting for and standing up for their freedom. I also have a fair number of prolific artists in my life; their ability to create beautiful works of art inspires me. Photographers, painters, creative cooks, carpenters, weavers, sculptors, stained glass artists, woodworkers, writers — I have wonderfully creative individuals all around me.

How Do You Know When You’re Inspired?

Inspiration comes in many different shapes and sizes. Sometimes you wake up and suddenly feel you have to make something. Sometimes you pick up a pen and the inspiration runs through your fingers. Other times someone says something to you and it hits you like a brick thrown from two feet away. Whatever form it takes, receive it with gratitude.

Ask yourself, what has happened to me lately that looks, feels, sounds, or smells like inspiration? It is more than likely something inspiring. Words, deeds, nature, a friend, a celebrity, a photograph, a vision, a dream — any and all can be personally inspiring.

How Do You Act on Inspiration?

If you indeed recognize that you have been inspired, do not hesitate to act on it. Always best to start out by taking small steps with a goal in mind. If you think you’ll paint a masterpiece in a day, you’ll only end up feeling defeated. When I wake up inspired to write, I set out to write a paragraph or two; in most cases I’ll write a lot more, but when my expectations are reasonable, I’m usually feeling good about what I’ve accomplished.

DO NOT listen to naysayers who will tell you that you’ll never finish a novel or write a piece of music that will sell or build a model . . . people sometimes impose their own fears and limitations on others. Let’s build one another up instead of putting one another down.

“If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can’t hear them anymore.” —Michele Ruiz

“Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it. Sauté it. Whatever. MAKE.” —Joss Whedon

Do You Have to Be Talented in Order to Create?

This answer to this question fills me with hope and gratitude. The answer of course is no, you can be horribly untalented and create an untold number of things: you can write (I am the perfect example), you can paint, you can choreograph, you can compose music, you can build castles in the sand, you can create delicious dishes that might appear inedible, but delight the taste buds, you can spin a potter’s wheel . . . you get the picture. Whether talent is a natural gift or acquired doesn’t really matter at all; if you enjoy creating, do it for yourself without concern for what others may think.

A Story

I never felt that I had artistic talent — can’t paint, can’t draw, can’t act, can’t make music, but I sure can tell myself I can’t. I had a junior high school teacher that encouraged me to write. She gave me topics and said, “Just write a few words for me. It’s not a test, I won’t judge you, I just want to see what’s inside of you.” Her sincerity and interest made me want to please her. I think she saw a little boy struggling with life and it touched her for reasons I will never know. That year I won an essay contest and I’ve been writing ever since. Don’t wait for someone to pry it out of you; let your inner voices be heard.

It’s free, just type in your email and it will be delivered to your inbox on an irregular basis.

Future Travel

Basel, Switzerland in September, Asia land & sea, end of October/November and South Africa land & sea in February. A brother and sister and their partners will be joining me on a visit to our father’s birthplace in the Puglia region of Italy in 2025.

Current State-of Mind

I’ve come to realize how closely linked my happiness is to the amount of sleep I get and my health; also linked to sleep. When I was a younger man, I didn’t need as much sleep and I took my health for granted. The older I get, the more acutely aware I have become. A friend asked me if I had distractions. Funny thing is that I do have many distractions, but when you’re alone with yourself in the dark, all bets are off.

Thank you to those of you who wrote to me about my last blog. I always appreciate your words and feedback. I will write for as long as my fingers are able to tap the keys.

Please forgive any typographical or grammatical errors.

Posted on by CP

I Want to Know the Bits About You that are Unknown to Even You

The Unknown You

I had a friend visiting from the States this week; we had some very intense and interesting conversations about many things. It occured to me that what I enjoyed most was discovering things about Carrie I didn’t know. That’s what got me re-thinking about Johari’s window:

A Very Simplified Discussion of this Model

“The Johari window model is used to enhance the individual’s perception of others. This model is based on two ideas — trust can be acquired by revealing information about you to others and learning yourselves from their feedbacks. Each person is represented by the Johari model through four quadrants or window pane. Each four window panes signifies personal information, feelings, motivation and whether that information is known or unknown to oneself or others in four viewpoints,” Communication Theory.

In lay terms: The open area is what you know about yourself and everyone else knows about you, the blind spot is what others see in you that you do not see in yourself, the hidden area are the things you keep to yourself and purposefully do not reveal to others and lastly the unknown is that part of you that is not yet discovered, by you or others.

When I’m with friends and family, it is the “unknown” I am most interested in exploring. I love it when I’m having a conversation with someone and they say or do something and discover that they are addressing it for the very first time. They get excited about this part of themselves they didn’t know existed and their excitement is contagious and possibly even sparks a new revelation about my own being.

For example, I had a little retreat cottage in Pennsylvania and I asked a friend if he wanted to join me for a weekend of relaxation. Mark happily accepted my invitation; we set out for the country on a Friday evening. Our only agenda was to enjoy the quiet of nature and be with one another (as friends). Mark and I were sitting by the fire on the first night and he said, “So what are we doing tomorrow?” I replied, “Not sure what you’re doing, but I’m going skydiving.” It was something I always wanted to do and I thought it was time. Mark was shocked and for a minute he thought I was joking. He decided to come along for the ride and he’s been skydiving ever since; unlike myself who did it just the once. Mark discovered that the freefall during skydiving gave him a high/thrill he’d never experienced prior; he uncovered a part of himself he might never have known existed. Of course I take full credit. An example of the self-discoveries of which I spoke about earlier.

When I lived in Brooklyn, I had this (above) country place in Milford, Pennsylvania — ten years of grilling on the deck, crazy cocktails, and great conversation. Also a place for Giorgio to taunt coyote and deer. I did lots of soul searching, nature walks, and skydiving. The house was a labor of love, but worth the effort.

Back to Discovering You

A great deal of my content is dedicated to communication; specifically listening. Listening is a beautiful thing when done properly. If we truly stop to listen we will learn so much about one another. Asking the right questions is also essential. For example if someone spends ten minutes telling to about a horrible experience they had with their contractor and then you ask: “So what did you pay for those tiles?” What that says to me is: 1) you weren’t really listening, and/or 2) you lack empathy, and/or 3) you couldn’t care less. Not one of those is positive. We need desperately to hear one another and be seen.

Last week I started to speak, a friend nearly interrupted me and then stopped herself. I said, “Oh no, I’ve made you paranoid.” She replied, “No, you make us better listeners.” Well ain’t that the cat’s pajamas.

Type in your email and subscribe. It’s free and easy. You will receive my blog in your inbox whenever I publish (mostly, but not always, weekly).

Upcoming Travel

Two months at home and I couldn’t be happier. Basel, Switzerland in September, Asia land & sea end of October/November and South Africa land & sea in February. A brother and sister and their partners will be joining me on a visit to our father’s birthplace in the Puglia region of Italy in 2025. We have time to prepare and I think it will be a life changing trip for all of us.

Current State-of-Mind

We are having remarkably mild weather in the Algarve. It is warm, but it’s not a scorching heat. I hate extreme heat. I’m not sure where the world is headed with climate change affecting so many worldwide, but I worry about it a lot. Since I’m always candid I will tell you that I have gained a bit of weight, which tends to happen when I am content. Time to cut back on cake in the morning and wine in the evening. I’m also considering Portuguese/U.S. dual citizenship. The biggest obstacle is language; however, I am well on my way to a passing score. Dual citizenship is in case I someday choose to reside somewhere else within the European Union. One day at a time . . .

The Witch Trials of J.K. Rowling is a podcast I’d recommend if you have any thoughts on the transgender/feminist debate currently being broadly covered in the media. I’m struggling with this issue; although I am sympathetic with transgender and gender dysphoria individuals on rights and freedoms, I also believe that it is unfair for boys or men who have completed the surgical transformation to take part in women’s sports. In addition, I’m concerned about the age of individual’s going through gender transformation. The numbers of individuals who have changed their minds and are going through reverse transformation is increasing. The question, “what is the correct minimum legal age for undergoing gender affirming surgery?” is weighing on my mind. This podcast leans more heavily to the “gender at birth” POV; however, I believe all arguments are fairly presented and discussed.

Posted on by CP · 12 Comments

Accepting Who You See in the Mirror

Revised and Updated

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”― Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor seemed to have it together. My goal is to think the way Eleanor thought. Well, we know that’s not happening. I took these selfies recently and let me tell you, I’m not a selfie taker (I read that all selfie takers say that). I’m not sure why I took them or where I took them, but they do pretty much sum up how I feel about getting older.

Getting older is not for the faint of heart (a friend shared that it was Mae West who gets credit for this quote). Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think:  it’s not fair that my father was handsome his entire life or see that wattle under your chin? — you deserve it for teasing mom about her’s. I want to love every line on my face and embrace my sagging eyelids and I want to believe that there is a reason there is more hair in my ears than on the top of my head; although I might have to let that one go.

I was coerced and cajoled into going to a Carnival party last night. You know the feeling:  I’m too old, I’ll be invisible. I don’t want to dance, the food will suck, and so on. I pushed myself so that I could prove to myself and my new Portuguese friends, that I could party with the best of them. I decided to wear whiteout make-up in hopes that it would cover my lines, I sported a new t-shirt, newly refurbished black boots and some borrowed red lipstick. I made an effort and it worked. I had a great time and although I wished the party had started a bit earlier, I stuck it out for a few hours and I went to sleep smiling; facial lines intact.

I know all of this is normal growing older stuff and I know that at some point I will probably embrace it, but that doesn’t mean I should stop trying to be better at it now. In the meantime, I need to continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone.

Some Things One Can Do to Embrace the Aging Process:

  1. Take care of your skin — Twenty years ago, I paid quite a lot of money for a facial in New York City just to learn how to take better care of my skin. The biggest lesson I learned was about toner. It’s really important to close your pores after you’ve washed your face or shaved. If you do not close your pores or use toner to close your pores, anything you put on your skin will go right into your pores and clog them up. That’s when you end up with blackheads and pimples; yes I still get pimples — moisturizer is also important for preventing wrinkles; dry skin is more likely to wrinkle. Some men are way too macho to care about this stuff, but for those who do, it is possible to have good skin your entire life.
  2. Take care of your body — We all know that unless you eat right and exercise, your body will give you all sorts of problems. Thirty minutes of exercise a few days a week will go a long way for good health. Eating fresh food and taking vitamin supplements are also essential. I do it all in moderation (or I won’t do it). Genetics plays into aging; however, how well you take care of your body, is a huge factor in how well you age.
  3. Stay sharp — Mind, body and spirit are usually the three aspects of your life that experts point to when discussing good health. Keeping your mind sharp means that you have to exercise your brain. Sitting in front of your television can be relaxing and benefit your mental wellbeing, but doing things that stimulate your mind are key to staying mentally sharp. Reading, puzzles, attending lectures, and participating in stimulating conversation, are examples of things you can do to stay sharp. Don’t let your brain atrophy.
  4. Dress Up — This is a difficult one for me. Give me a nice cotton t-shirt and some soft cotton sweatpants and I’m good to go. That’s okay for grocery shopping or taking a brisk walk, but when you’re going out for dinner or to a concert, make the extra effort and dress up a bit. People around you will show you how much they appreciate the effort. When we get lazy and let ourselves go, it affects the way we feel about ourselves and has a negative impact on the way we interact with others. It can be so subtle we don’t see it, but trust me, it’s there. Experiment with this and wear a sports jacket and tie to dinner; you’ll see a big difference in the way people treat you — you too ladies (without the tie though).
  5. Pamper yourself — vacation, massage, long walk on the beach and so many other things you can do to say “I love you” to yourself.
  6. Be graceful and gracious — Always put your best self forward. Good manners and a positive attitude go a long way in navigating the world around you. We all need one another at one point or another. Show the people around you that you appreciate them; when you need something, people will remember how you treated them or whether or not you thanked them. We all need to be appreciated. I have had to remind several people in my life that I should not and will not be taken for granted. It’s all part of being a good friend or family member — we can all learn from one another. People always say that the world was once a kinder, gentler place. It’s difficult to know how true that statement is; however, it doesn’t hurt to strive to improve; we all benefit from a kinder world.
  7. Volunteer — An opportunity to give back, do something fulfilling and meet new people.
  8. Remember the alternative is not-so-good

There was a time I would look at someone with obvious plastic surgery and get all judgy about it. I’ve evolved and no longer care. Do whatever you want to do to yourself if it will help you feel better.

What to Say to People When They Ask You How Old You Are

  • I used to add ten years onto my age to see what kind of reaction I’d get. One time I did that and the person said, “That’s what I would have guessed.”  Needless to say, I stopped doing that.
  • You can stand tall and proudly declare your exact age.
  • You can lie if it makes you feel better.
  • You can say, “I’m in my 50s but I feel like I’m 30. Don’t I look 30 (update)?” And then laugh at yourself; always laugh at yourself.
  • You can tell people what was happening in the world when you were born. There was a major solar eclipse on the day I was born. I like sharing that for some reason. I believe the strength of the sun on the day I was born had a lot to do with my birth. You don’t have to agree with me, that’s okay.
  • I wouldn’t say, “How old do you think I am?” unless you are prepared for their answer.
  • You can say, “Old enough.”
  • You can say, “I have a few years on you or I think you may be older than me (be prepared to die (update).
  • Fill in the blank __________________________.

How Others Age

Try not to compare yourself to others. Like I said earlier, genetics plays a major role in aging. Some people seem to have better skin. Some people have arthritis and some don’t. Some people can build muscle more easily. You get my point; be easier on yourself.

One of the things I love about growing older is that you seem to care less about what others think — it’s freeing, to say the least. I’m looking forward to caring even a little less. I’m talking about the divisive stuff, not the loving and caring stuff.

A couple of good articles:

Aging in Beauty

Learning to Love Growing Old

Coping with Aging

Future Travel

I am happy to say that I am home in Portugal until July 4 when I will leave for Scotland. We have beautiful weather here in June and the tourists will not arrive in huge numbers for a few weeks (at least not in Faro). So coming up I have Scotland, Asia for three weeks and then South Africa in 2024. That is pretty much it; I hope to keep it this way for awhile. Traveling by air has become exhausting and anxiety producing. I can handle only so much of that insanity.

My Current State of Mind

I am happy to be home with Paco and sleeping in my own bed. I have no regrets about getting caught-up in the French air traffic control strike or my 24 hour flight delay, and I missed Portugal. The ol’ allergies are not as bad either.

Please do me a great favor: if I ever offend you, hurt you, annoy you, etc. find a kind way to tell me. I honestly want to be a better human and you can help.

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

Maximizing Quality Sleep

Being Realistic At the Same Time

Caution: Do not read this blog if TMI is a problem for you. I apologize that the subject matter is sort of bland this week. This is what happens when things are moving along swimmingly well.

This is based on a lifetime of experience and many sleepless nights.

The Perfect Night’s Sleep

I am going to begin by describing what I believe to be the perfect night’s sleep. Later I will go into individual needs, what works versus what doesn’t, why sleep matters, and what to do if you did/do not achieve your sleep goals.

When I wake-up naturally after 7 1/2 to 8 Hours sleep feeling rested, fresh, and with clarity (fond memories of my last dream), I can accomplish just about anything. The difference is a good day versus a challenging day. I have not used an alarm clock since I was a university student. No matter what time I go to bed, my body wakes up at about 4:30 a.m. It used to be just after 5:00 a.m., however, lately I have been dozing off by 8:30 p.m. I know that may seem early for some, but this is the time my body shuts down. If and when I listen to my body, I get a good night’s sleep. I have a few friends who think I’m missing out on fun nighttime activities, to them I say, you’re missing out on the splendor of the early morning.

My Needs In Order to Achieve a Good Night’s Sleep

It is important for me to be thoughtful about my sleep patterns. I have a very common problem for older men where an enlarged prostate wakes you up in the middle of the night so that you can urinate prior to returning to sleep (hopefully). Without medication, I was waking up three or more times each night and experiencing difficulty urinating. With medication I can sleep longer and urinate more easily and less frequently. This means I have to remember to take the medication when it is meant to be taken. I’ve been on Redict for about a year; thankfully, it is the only medication I take. My urologist would like to avoid surgery and I am 100% on board with that.

What Works Versus What Does Not Work (be prepared for more information than you need)

  • A dark room is essential
  • Minimal outside noise (my bedroom is at the back of my apartment mainly because the city picks up the trash anytime between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m. in my section of Faro — it’s crazy loud. I used to hear dogs barking in the middle of the night, but fortunately that has either stopped or I no longer hear it.
  • My sheets must be a soft cotton and washed once-a-week; if I’m even a day late I can tell the difference.
  • I have purchased over fifty pillows over the last forty years, attempting to find the right one. I still do not feel as if I have it right. I currently sleep on one medium density goose down pillow. I have had neck surgery due to multiple issues; therefore, without proper neck support, I wake up with a stiff neck.
  • My bedroom needs to be free of odors. I recently tried a new fabric softener and I had to wash my sheets the next day.
  • The temperature of my bedroom needs to be somewhere between 60 and 65 F.
  • My blanket must be light year round. Down is ideal in winter and cotton in summer. The in-between months are challenging, but at this point I know to keep a variety of covers nearby in case I need to make a change.
  • I cannot drink more than one cocktail or two glasses of wine within two hours of going to bed. If I exceed this amount, I wake in a pool of sweat.
  • Wherever I am sleeping, a toilet has to be close by. I recently stayed in an Airbnb where the listing stated there was a bathroom in the sleeping loft; indeed there was a bathroom, except that it didn’t have a toilet. I had to go up and down a narrow flight of stairs — needless to say, little to no sleep.
  • My space has to be super clean.

Perhaps now you will better understand why I live alone. The Princess and the Pea children’s book is relatable.

Why It Matters

There are two reasons it matters a great deal: first, without the proper amount of sleep I do not function well. I do not think straight, I make mistakes, I can be short with people, I don’t enjoy food as much — you get the picture. Second, I know that I am much healthier when I sleep well.

Dreaming is an important part of my sleeping pattern. When I have a deeper sleep, I dream all night and wake-up feeling so much better.

An afternoon nap usually helps when I’m sluggish. Even if I do get a full eight hours, an afternoon nap can be quite delicious.

“The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.”

— E. Joseph Cossman

Random Ideas for A Good Night's Sleep
  • Manifest your goal by imagining it
  • Treat yourself to a fabulous hotel room
  • Keep lavender near your bed
  • Do not eat right before you go to bed
  • Keep your television out of the bedroom
  • Instead of drinking water in the middle of the night, I gargle with it and spit it out — for obvious reasons.
  • Do not paint your bedroom with loud colors; neutral, soothing colors work better
  • Think pleasant thoughts. If you journal, put it down on paper and get it out of your head.
  • Attempt to resolve conflicts before you go to bed.
  • Don’t watch the news before bed
  • Reading a good novel is the best sleep aid
  • Do not spend time on electronic devices right before turning out the light
  • If you can, have a pleasant conversation with someone you care about before you go to sleep
  • The better your day, the better your night
  • If thoughts are looping through your brain, get out of bed and walk around a bit to break the pattern or read for a bit.

Write me if there is something that you do that really works.

When I was living in New York City, there was a period of time when many people were getting bed bugs. It was a nightmare which was expensive and caused a great deal of anxiety. Throughout this period, I imagined that I had bed bugs too many times. I’d wake up in the middle of the night scratching and using a flashlight to check for bugs. Thankfully, I never had them, but the fear was almost as awful as an actual occurrence.

___________________________________________________

Future Travel

Provence next week and then I’m going to enjoy the Algarve until early July, when I will be in Scotland for a couple of weeks of cooler northern Europe weather. Fall: Asia, land & sea, and then South Africa in winter. This is all of have planned and I’m going to keep it this way for awhile.

Current State-of-Mind

I’ve added this permanent section to my blog to demonstrate one important fact of life:

Your state-of-mind may not be linked to anything in particular. It took me a very long time to learn that no matter what I do to feel good, there are days or times in my life when I am either uneasy, unhappy, or unhinged. Managing these emotions is a lifelong task. I’m doing this one day at a time with gratitude and good intentions.

____________________________________________________________

Writing this blog has been helpful on many levels. Any feedback on topics or content is appreciated.

“Life is like the ocean. It dips and dives. You can have a general course of navigation but you can't stop the tide from where it takes you.”
― Isabella Poretsis

As always please forgive any grammatical or typing errors. Oh yes, also forgive my crass and awkward sense-of-humor. And remember, we are all just a little crazy; some are batshit crazy.
Posted on by CP · 10 Comments

Talking to Myself

Do I Hear My Own Words?

What Talking to Myself Looks Like

Before I go into the theme of my blog, I wanted to report that I was part way through this draft when I looked back to see if I had written about this topic in the past. What I discovered was interesting. In the past I have written about voices in my head I had referred to as “my demons,” this blog about the positive side of voices in your head or what talking to yourself (out loud) might resemble. What this tells me, is that I have moved past viewing these voices negatively and instead, see them as a positive influence.

I’ll be packing for a trip and I might say, don’t forget your bathing suit. I’m not sure why, but it works. I seem to remember better when I put the thought out there in the ether.

I also talk to myself (sometimes out loud) when I feel as if I need affirmation. For example, I might say, you were right to upgrade your cabin for the cruise. I don’t necessarily require an answer; one of the many benefits of talking to yourself.

I haven’t seen a therapist for a number of years, instead I am using other ways to cope; this is one of the ways. I’ll admit that there have been times when I’d catch myself saying something out loud and then responding, that’s ridiculous! At least it’s me saying it and not someone else.

Some of the Things I’ve been Known to Say Out Loud When Talking to Myself

  • Good morning America — when I see someone who takes my breath away
  • You don’t know shit — when I’m pretty sure I’m clueless
  • Take it easy
  • Keep your mouth shut Chris — hardly ever works
  • Fear will kill you
  • He or she is not worth your time or energy
  • If you walk away from this purchase, will you regret it later
  • Don’t eat it if you’re not hungry
  • Just worry about yourself
  • You must have done something good
  • Don’t mistake opinion for intelligence
  • Do what you want to do without announcing it to everyone around you
  • Stop gawking
  • You’re the luckiest man in the world
  • Leave it alone, it has nothing to do with you
  • Why in the hell did you just do that?
  • My back really hurts, but I’m alive
  • I wonder what would happen if I spoke to him right now . . . well that wasn’t so bad.
  • Stop caring about what he or she thinks, it doesn’t matter

Come to think of it, I say things to myself out loud more often than I thought. Seems to be a good deal of monitoring and keeping myself in check — whatever works.

What People Might Think

Sometimes when we think we are doing something privately, we discover that we in fact are being seen (or heard) by others. The positive thing about earbuds and other devices is that people all around us these days appear to be having conversations with themselves; therefore, you’ll fit right in. The bottom line is, who cares what people think.

Upcoming Travel

Belgium (mostly Brussels) on Wednesday; on to Marseilles in June, then Oban, Scotland in July, and finally starting in October, a long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia. South Africa for the first time in late January 2024.

I checked the weather for Brussels and the prediction is rain for a couple of the four days I will be there. Funny, but I get so much sunshine here in the Algarve, I welcome rain when I travel, the opposite of the way things were when I lived in New York and Maine. It’s interesting to note these changes in one’s life.

I’m torn about a day trip to Luxembourg because it’s three hours in a bus each way. If you’ve been and you have an opinion, please share it. The photos of Luxembourg on line are amazing.

Looking Back

I rarely do this, but I booked a moderately expensive upscale hotel in Pornic (my last trip). I originally had a beautiful Airbnb on a canal, however, the owner cancelled six weeks prior — one of the risks of booking an Airbnb. I booked this particular hotel because I had a drink at the bar last year and I liked what saw. It had a hammam, a really nice gym, and rooms with balconies looking out over the canal and Pornic. I’m going to say it was about $75 per night than I usually spend. I slept really well between the quiet, the excellent pillows, the luxury cotton sheets and the knowledge that I had blown my budget on a fancy hotel — I just had to get my monies worth. Just gotta say, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As always, please forgive grammatical and typing errors, proofreading is tedious.

Posted on by CP

Empathy

Coping With and Managing Empathy

What We’re all Dealing With

Everyone tends to believe that circumstances are worse now than they’ve ever been. The truth is that this is just not the case. The Holocaust was a great deal worse; WWI or WWII were terrible times, Hiroshima, plagues in history when millions perished — yes there were worse times. Some of us tend to forget the suffering, horrors, and chaos humankind has endured in the past. Some, understandably, will never forget.

Still, the current status of the world is challenging: climate change, mass shootings, pandemics, cancer, war, the economy, the list goes on and on. But human beings are survivors; we are built to come up with solutions and cope with whatever lands in our laps. Positive thinking and a good attitude goes a long way — I’m not saying it’s easy.

Internalizing the Pain Others Are Feeling

No doubt empathy is a double edged sword. Without empathy we are without care or feeling, while with it, we carry the burden of pain. Still, it should not be forgotten that it is usually a lot worse for those experiencing pain or loss first hand. Being supportive of the person(s) in pain by being by their side or letting them know you are there for them, is more productive and healing for all parties. Letting others know how sorry you are by displaying your emotions publicly is usually not helpful.

When my brother passed, my mother could not support the woman who walked out on him. Even if her grief was real and justified, my mother had lost her son and it was my mother I needed to support. Sometimes we forget that empathy means prioritizing your emotional and physical support.

You can also be empathetic toward someone you are not terribly fond of; this is called being compassionate and a good human.

The Lack of Empathy Around Us

The term “thoughts and prayers” has been troubling me lately. To tell grieving parents that your thoughts and prayers are with them is hypocritical in some situations and most can see right through hypocrites. How could someone who supports the purchasing of firearms without a background check, be empathetic? There are so many clear examples of the use of religion or laws to justify a lack of empathy for others.

This idea of showing strength and keeping your emotions hidden, is nonsense. Being strong when others need you is essential; however, being stoic and without emotion makes those around you skeptical of your ability to understand their pain. As with all things balance is key.

Unfortunately, some people lack the ability to feel empathy; these individuals are broken and in need of therapy or some other means of awakening their emotions.

Coping Mechanisms

  • I hate to suggest this, but I firmly believe that sometimes the only way to deal with something is to turn it off (not deal with it).
  • Thinking about the worst case scenario. Not always, but sometimes, reality is less harsh.
  • Be good to yourself — do something nice for yourself.
  • Extend your sympathy to the person who is most affected.
  • Guilt is a horrible thing to feel and it is usually unwarranted. Survivor remorse or guilt is a very real feeling and for some, it is just as hard to deal with as if the tragedy happened directly to them. One way to deal with guilt is to talk it out with a friend. An objective point of view can be helpful. Knowing that the passing of time often makes things a bit easier, is useful knowledge to be aware of.
  • Find peace in knowing that empathy is so much more positive than a lack thereof.
  • Putting your thoughts and feelings in writing.

Do you have ways of coping with empathy on steroids? Please share.

How do you tell someone that they lack empathy? The $10,000 question.

Future Travel

This three month break from travel has been exactly what I needed. Too much of a good thing and all that jazz. No need for further explanation.

South Florida in four weeks, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles, France (first time). Other trips planned for later in the year. More next blog. I’m learning to spread my trips apart and appreciate them more.

State-of-Mind

Many things help us to cope as we navigate the day-to-day. I find two things very useful. The first is gratitude; thanking the universe for the many things we have to be grateful for: good health, friends, family, travel, having means, the weather, etc. The second thing that helps me prepare for the day and keeps me physically and mentally healthy, is exercise. For me it’s a trip to the gym five or six days a week. I’ve been participating in this daily routine for over 40 years; although it is not a cure-all, it sure does check a lot of good health boxes. Just be grateful that you have a heart and the ability to feel.

How to Be More Empathetic, NY Times, “A Year of Better Living,” Claire Cain Miller.

A question, I thought I should address, came up this week: How do you choose your topics? I do not spend a lot of time thinking about what to write. I usually open up my laptop when it’s quiet and I have no plans. I look at a blank blog page, click “write” and I begin to type. My guess is that the topic has been swirling around my brain the night or day before I write, but I’m not fully conscious of it.

Occasionally, a topic will come up at a table of friends during a meal.

I mostly write to sort things out in my head. I’ve learned that a combination or journaling and blogging clears my mind so that I can enjoy the moments that matter.

“Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.”

— Isaac Asimov

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

Tools For Survival In the Modern World

Situations I’ve Discovered Require Tools

  • Navigating difficult people
  • Stress from work
  • Aging
  • Coping with medical issues
  • Sorting through stuff in order to determine what matters most
  • Discovering how to talk to people (all people)
  • Managing dark and dangerous thoughts
  • The unexpected, the reimagined, and the unintended

Tools For Living

The best tool is a good friend; a friend whom you can trust and call upon. This friend will not judge or question your loyalty. A friend can get you through some pretty rough stuff. Be sure to nurture good friendships, they’re hard to come by.

Food & beverage of your choice, are another great tool. It doesn’t have to be a gorging session or drinking your way into a drunken stupor. I’m talking a nice meal with someone you care about, a dinner party, a destination meal, fresh veggies from your garden, a nice glass of red or white . . . you get my point. Something to look forward to; something to take your mind off whatever it is that is troubling you. Escaping for the moment isn’t bad as long as you eventually deal with whatever it is you need to deal with. Stepping away helps you put things in perspective.

Learning how to be a good communicator is a tool that will pay off in spades. I know I have repeated this repeatedly, however, it’s worth repeating again: learn how to be a good listener. It’s an invaluable tool. Listen intently with your entire being. In addition, validate, repeat back key thoughts, share, confide, show interest, be objective, be generous, provide feedback when asked, and lean in. Authenticity is key when communicating; people will see right through you otherwise.

Developing a thick skin is essential for survival. There was a time when people kept most of their thoughts, feelings of contempt, resentment, rage, etc. to themselves; then along came social media. Now someone thinks a sideways glance to their ex was salacious and suddenly it’s all over Facebook or worse, Tik Tok. You need to be able to let it roll off your back and ignore it. Not easy, but if you spend the time to cultivate this practice, you will be a whole lot better off.

The ability to walk away when you are exposed to toxicity. A healthy self-esteem comes from looking out for your own well-being. Part of survival is having the ability to say “no more” or “I’m done.” It may be difficult while you’re in the thick of it, but you’ll be glad you did it when you discover how much better off you are or how much better you feel.

Laughter is a tool I often forget to use. Humor and the ability to lighten things up is part of living a happy and healthy life. I (we) take life far too seriously. Do not apologize for injecting levity into a situation or conversation. I told a joke at lunch with about 15 people last week. I noticed many were laughing, but two or three people had a very serious look on their faces. I immediately thought, oh no, I should apologize. The thing is, if they’re uncomfortable with your sense of humor, it’s more than likely a reflection of them and their biases than you. Don’t apologize, if they can’t handle your humor they can either tune you out or confront you; most people will never have the nerve to do the latter and that’s not your problem. I’m still learning this lesson.

Being authentic and true to yourself is less a tool and more a way of being. It’s necessary for success with relationships and real happiness. I truly admire people who are comfortable in their own skin.

Talking about reaching into your toolbox has become cliché. That’s unfortunate, because in fact, if you have worked hard to come up with healthy and useful ways of dealing with difficulties in your life, you should be able to call upon these “tools” without feeling that your methods are being discounted by others. If this works for you, by all means use it. “Whatever works” is cliché as well, but truth is truth. At the end of the day you want to feel good about yourself and sleep well; you will awake a stronger, healthier, more optimistic you.

What makes me equipped to share these thoughts with you? The answer is simple: life experience, hard work, and the desire to pay it forward. I took an elective course at University entitled: Living Skills; the best three credits of my educational career.

My Inspiration

I am working on a life coaching project — two individuals coaching one another. It’s early days, but eventually I’ll be writing about it. Our recent conversations inspired this blog. My coaching partner shall remain nameless. Peaked your interest . . . hmmm, you’ll never find out who it is.

“The only person you should strive to be better than, is the person you were yesterday.”

— Matty Mullins