Regrets, I’ve had a few . . .

“Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.”   — Oliver Wendell Holmes, author and poet

I try not to have regrets about what could have been, but I’m human and hard on myself; therefore, I allow my thoughts to occasionally wander to the what ifs. The media tends to focus their stories and opinion pieces on women who cannot or do not bear children and of course, I get it. That maternal instinct is strong and undeniably present, however, men also have paternal longings that are based on instinct and desire.

Throughout my teenage years and through to my early thirties, my desire to be a father was stronger than most of my contemporaries. I talked about it, wrote about, and even planned for it. Being gay made it difficult to realize this dream (back then), but in truth, if I really wanted a child I would have done something about it. I think it was more of a fantasy, an alternative universe possibility. In the end, it wasn’t meant to be.

What My Life Might Have Looked Like

Whenever I think about what I might have been like as a father, the following comes to mind: I think I would have worried a lot, a whole lot. I know that all parents would probably tell you that this is just a fact of life. Still, I believe I would have worried more than most. Unfortunately, a big part of who I am. It’s not fair to compare children with pets, but if the way I am with Paco is any indication . . .

Adoption would have been fine, it’s never been an ego or legacy thing for me.

Enjoying the Children in My Life

Due to numerous siblings, I have many nieces and nephews. Although all of my nieces and nephews are now adults, some of them have small children. My great nieces and nephews do not live close by, but I still get to see them on occasion.

I live across the street from a large nursery school. When the kids are outside playing, the sound of their laughter travels up to my apartment. I keep the terrace doors open so that I can hear them — it’s a hopeful and joyous sound. The teenagers in the high school next door should stay inside. I’m sorry, but they should.

Accepting What Is

At a certain point a long time ago, I realized that I would never be a father. I don’t remember being terribly upset about it. Like most revelations in my life, I thought it would be best if I just accepted it and moved on and so I did. I decided to nurture the dad in me and do the kinds of things I might have done with my child. I took a niece to Disney World, another niece to several Broadway shows, several to see films, I accompanied little family members to an outdoor animal preserve, and so on; you get the picture. I have to say, and I know it’s rather selfish, it has always been nice to fully enjoy the interaction and then say, “see you next time,” when it’s over.

I love being Uncle Chris. And I’m not just Uncle Chris to the children of my siblings; the children of friends have also honored me with this title. Once again, it’s quite a relief to know that they are someone else´s children.

Confession: I’m not sure if there are other men who feel the same way as I do about what I am about to share. I don’t know because I dare not ask. For a long time I was jealous that women had the ability to get pregnant, carry, and deliver a child. This is true, I have thought about it way too much. I was fascinated by the biological aspect of a child forming and growing inside of a person’s body. I felt like I’d been cheated. I know, poor me. These thoughts did eventually leave me and I sure am grateful that they did. This is not something I even shared with my therapists. To be clear, I never wanted to be a woman, it was just the baby carrying part I wished I’d had.

Note: I was concerned about publishing these particular thoughts. I decided to run what I have kept hidden by a couple of female friends. I immediately felt complete empathy without even a tiny trace of judgment, so I kept it in the blog. Thoughts?

By the way, I no longer go ga ga over the little ones. In fact, I dislike the sound of babies crying/screaming, I have no desire to hold one, and I certainly would prefer not to have one next to me on an airplane. That being said, I do appreciate their existence.

I was a nursery school teacher and a substitute teacher, at different times in my life. Both were fulfilling . . . at the time.

For me, the unimaginable is the pain a parent feels over the death of a child. I have experienced it up close and personal and it was painful to watch. I prefer not to consider what might have been if I indeed had been a father; my mother lost two children.

“The soul is healed by being with children.”   — Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist and philosopher

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Future Travel

An Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe next week; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.

State-of-Mind

Mostly gratitude and wild dreams.

A vacation to northern Europe starting in a few days will help get rid of the static.

Forgive any errors of any kind . . . please.