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Accepting Who You See in the Mirror

Revised and Updated

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”― Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor seemed to have it together. My goal is to think the way Eleanor thought. Well, we know that’s not happening. I took these selfies recently and let me tell you, I’m not a selfie taker (I read that all selfie takers say that). I’m not sure why I took them or where I took them, but they do pretty much sum up how I feel about getting older.

Getting older is not for the faint of heart (was it Betty Davis who said this?). Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think:  it’s not fair that my father was handsome his entire life or see that wattle under your chin? — you deserve it for teasing mom about her’s. I want to love every line on my face and embrace my sagging eyelids and I want to believe that there is a reason there is more hair in my ears than on the top of my head; although I might have to let that one go.

I was coerced and cajoled into going to a Carnival party last night. You know the feeling:  I’m too old, I’ll be invisible. I don’t want to dance, the food will suck, and so on. I pushed myself so that I could prove to myself and my new Portuguese friends, that I could party with the best of them. I decided to wear whiteout make-up in hopes that it would cover my lines, I sported a new t-shirt, newly refurbished black boots and some borrowed red lipstick. I made an effort and it worked. I had a great time and although I wished the party had started a bit earlier, I stuck it out for a few hours and I went to sleep smiling; facial lines intact.

I know all of this is normal growing older stuff and I know that at some point I will probably embrace it, but that doesn’t mean I should stop trying to be better at it now. In the meantime, I need to continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone.

Some Things One Can Do to Embrace the Aging Process:

  1. Take care of your skin — Twenty years ago, I paid quite a lot of money for a facial in New York City just to learn how to take better care of my skin. The biggest lesson I learned was about toner. It’s really important to close your pores after you’ve washed your face or shaved. If you do not close your pores or use toner to close your pores, anything you put on your skin will go right into your pores and clog them up. That’s when you end up with blackheads and pimples; yes I still get pimples — moisturizer is also important for preventing wrinkles; dry skin is more likely to wrinkle. Some men are way too macho to care about this stuff, but for those who do, it is possible to have good skin your entire life.
  2. Take care of your body — We all know that unless you eat right and exercise, your body will give you all sorts of problems. Thirty minutes of exercise a few days a week will go a long way for good health. Eating fresh food and taking vitamin supplements are also essential. I do it all in moderation (or I won’t do it). Genetics plays into aging; however, how well you take care of your body, is a huge factor in how well you age.
  3. Stay sharp — Mind, body and spirit are usually the three aspects of your life that experts point to when discussing good health. Keeping your mind sharp means that you have to exercise your brain. Sitting in front of your television can be relaxing and benefit your mental wellbeing, but doing things that stimulate your mind are key to staying mentally sharp. Reading, puzzles, attending lectures, and participating in stimulating conversation, are examples of things you can do to stay sharp. Don’t let your brain atrophy.
  4. Dress Up — This is a difficult one for me. Give me a nice cotton t-shirt and some soft cotton sweatpants and I’m good to go. That’s okay for grocery shopping or taking a brisk walk, but when you’re going out for dinner or to a concert, make the extra effort and dress up a bit. People around you will show you how much they appreciate the effort. When we get lazy and let ourselves go, it affects the way we feel about ourselves and has a negative impact on the way we interact with others. It can be so subtle we don’t see it, but trust me, it’s there. Experiment with this and wear a sports jacket and tie to dinner; you’ll see a big difference in the way people treat you — you too ladies (without the tie though).
  5. Pamper yourself — vacation, massage, long walk on the beach and so many other things you can do to say “I love you” to yourself.
  6. Be graceful and gracious — Always put your best self forward. Good manners and a positive attitude go a long way in navigating the world around you. We all need one another at one point or another. Show the people around you that you appreciate them; when you need something, people will remember how you treated them or whether or not you thanked them. We all need to be appreciated. I have had to remind several people in my life that I should not and will not be taken for granted. It’s all part of being a good friend or family member — we can all learn from one another. People always say that the world was once a kinder, gentler place. It’s difficult to know how true that statement is; however, it doesn’t hurt to strive to improve; we all benefit from a kinder world.
  7. Volunteer — An opportunity to give back, do something fulfilling and meet new people.
  8. Remember the alternative is not-so-good

There was a time I would look at someone with obvious plastic surgery and get all judgy about it. I’ve evolved and no longer care. Do whatever you want to do to yourself if it will help you feel better.

What to Say to People When They Ask You How Old You Are

  • I used to add ten years onto my age to see what kind of reaction I’d get. One time I did that and the person said, “That’s what I would have guessed.”  Needless to say, I stopped doing that.
  • You can stand tall and proudly declare your exact age.
  • You can lie if it makes you feel better.
  • You can say, “I’m in my 50s but I feel like I’m 30. Don’t I look 30 (update)?” And then laugh at yourself; always laugh at yourself.
  • You can tell people what was happening in the world when you were born. There was a major solar eclipse on the day I was born. I like sharing that for some reason. I believe the strength of the sun on the day I was born had a lot to do with my birth. You don’t have to agree with me, that’s okay.
  • I wouldn’t say, “How old do you think I am?” unless you are prepared for their answer.
  • You can say, “Old enough.”
  • You can say, “I have a few years on you or I think you may be older than me (be prepared to die (update).
  • Fill in the blank __________________________.

How Others Age

Try not to compare yourself to others. Like I said earlier, genetics plays a major role in aging. Some people seem to have better skin. Some people have arthritis and some don’t. Some people can build muscle more easily. You get my point; be easier on yourself.

One of the things I love about growing older is that you seem to care less about what others think — it’s freeing, to say the least. I’m looking forward to caring even a little less. I’m talking about the divisive stuff, not the loving and caring stuff.

A couple of good articles:

Aging in Beauty

Learning to Love Growing Old

Coping with Aging

Future Travel

I am happy to say that I am home in Portugal until July 4 when I will leave for Scotland. We have beautiful weather here in June and the tourists will not arrive in huge numbers for a few weeks (at least not in Faro). So coming up I have Scotland, Asia for three weeks and then South Africa in 2024. That is pretty much it; I hope to keep it this way for awhile. Traveling by air has become exhausting and anxiety producing. I can handle only so much of that insanity.

My Current State of Mind

I am happy to be home with Paco and sleeping in my own bed. I have no regrets about getting caught-up in the French air traffic control strike or my 24 hour flight delay, and I missed Portugal. The ol’ allergies are not as bad either.

Please do me a great favor: if I ever offend you, hurt you, annoy you, etc. find a kind way to tell me. I honestly want to be a better human and you can help.

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

Maximizing Quality Sleep

Being Realistic At the Same Time

Caution: Do not read this blog if TMI is a problem for you. I apologize that the subject matter is sort of bland this week. This is what happens when things are moving along swimmingly well.

This is based on a lifetime of experience and many sleepless nights.

The Perfect Night’s Sleep

I am going to begin by describing what I believe to be the perfect night’s sleep. Later I will go into individual needs, what works versus what doesn’t, why sleep matters, and what to do if you did/do not achieve your sleep goals.

When I wake-up naturally after 7 1/2 to 8 Hours sleep feeling rested, fresh, and with clarity (fond memories of my last dream), I can accomplish just about anything. The difference is a good day versus a challenging day. I have not used an alarm clock since I was a university student. No matter what time I go to bed, my body wakes up at about 4:30 a.m. It used to be just after 5:00 a.m., however, lately I have been dozing off by 8:30 p.m. I know that may seem early for some, but this is the time my body shuts down. If and when I listen to my body, I get a good night’s sleep. I have a few friends who think I’m missing out on fun nighttime activities, to them I say, you’re missing out on the splendor of the early morning.

My Needs In Order to Achieve a Good Night’s Sleep

It is important for me to be thoughtful about my sleep patterns. I have a very common problem for older men where an enlarged prostate wakes you up in the middle of the night so that you can urinate prior to returning to sleep (hopefully). Without medication, I was waking up three or more times each night and experiencing difficulty urinating. With medication I can sleep longer and urinate more easily and less frequently. This means I have to remember to take the medication when it is meant to be taken. I’ve been on Redict for about a year; thankfully, it is the only medication I take. My urologist would like to avoid surgery and I am 100% on board with that.

What Works Versus What Does Not Work (be prepared for more information than you need)

  • A dark room is essential
  • Minimal outside noise (my bedroom is at the back of my apartment mainly because the city picks up the trash anytime between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m. in my section of Faro — it’s crazy loud. I used to hear dogs barking in the middle of the night, but fortunately that has either stopped or I no longer hear it.
  • My sheets must be a soft cotton and washed once-a-week; if I’m even a day late I can tell the difference.
  • I have purchased over fifty pillows over the last forty years, attempting to find the right one. I still do not feel as if I have it right. I currently sleep on one medium density goose down pillow. I have had neck surgery due to multiple issues; therefore, without proper neck support, I wake up with a stiff neck.
  • My bedroom needs to be free of odors. I recently tried a new fabric softener and I had to wash my sheets the next day.
  • The temperature of my bedroom needs to be somewhere between 60 and 65 F.
  • My blanket must be light year round. Down is ideal in winter and cotton in summer. The in-between months are challenging, but at this point I know to keep a variety of covers nearby in case I need to make a change.
  • I cannot drink more than one cocktail or two glasses of wine within two hours of going to bed. If I exceed this amount, I wake in a pool of sweat.
  • Wherever I am sleeping, a toilet has to be close by. I recently stayed in an Airbnb where the listing stated there was a bathroom in the sleeping loft; indeed there was a bathroom, except that it didn’t have a toilet. I had to go up and down a narrow flight of stairs — needless to say, little to no sleep.
  • My space has to be super clean.

Perhaps now you will better understand why I live alone. The Princess and the Pea children’s book is relatable.

Why It Matters

There are two reasons it matters a great deal: first, without the proper amount of sleep I do not function well. I do not think straight, I make mistakes, I can be short with people, I don’t enjoy food as much — you get the picture. Second, I know that I am much healthier when I sleep well.

Dreaming is an important part of my sleeping pattern. When I have a deeper sleep, I dream all night and wake-up feeling so much better.

An afternoon nap usually helps when I’m sluggish. Even if I do get a full eight hours, an afternoon nap can be quite delicious.

“The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.”

— E. Joseph Cossman

Random Ideas for A Good Night's Sleep
  • Manifest your goal by imagining it
  • Treat yourself to a fabulous hotel room
  • Keep lavender near your bed
  • Do not eat right before you go to bed
  • Keep your television out of the bedroom
  • Instead of drinking water in the middle of the night, I gargle with it and spit it out — for obvious reasons.
  • Do not paint your bedroom with loud colors; neutral, soothing colors work better
  • Think pleasant thoughts. If you journal, put it down on paper and get it out of your head.
  • Attempt to resolve conflicts before you go to bed.
  • Don’t watch the news before bed
  • Reading a good novel is the best sleep aid
  • Do not spend time on electronic devices right before turning out the light
  • If you can, have a pleasant conversation with someone you care about before you go to sleep
  • The better your day, the better your night
  • If thoughts are looping through your brain, get out of bed and walk around a bit to break the pattern or read for a bit.

Write me if there is something that you do that really works.

When I was living in New York City, there was a period of time when many people were getting bed bugs. It was a nightmare which was expensive and caused a great deal of anxiety. Throughout this period, I imagined that I had bed bugs too many times. I’d wake up in the middle of the night scratching and using a flashlight to check for bugs. Thankfully, I never had them, but the fear was almost as awful as an actual occurrence.

___________________________________________________

Future Travel

Provence next week and then I’m going to enjoy the Algarve until early July, when I will be in Scotland for a couple of weeks of cooler northern Europe weather. Fall: Asia, land & sea, and then South Africa in winter. This is all of have planned and I’m going to keep it this way for awhile.

Current State-of-Mind

I’ve added this permanent section to my blog to demonstrate one important fact of life:

Your state-of-mind may not be linked to anything in particular. It took me a very long time to learn that no matter what I do to feel good, there are days or times in my life when I am either uneasy, unhappy, or unhinged. Managing these emotions is a lifelong task. I’m doing this one day at a time with gratitude and good intentions.

____________________________________________________________

Writing this blog has been helpful on many levels. Any feedback on topics or content is appreciated.

“Life is like the ocean. It dips and dives. You can have a general course of navigation but you can't stop the tide from where it takes you.”
― Isabella Poretsis

As always please forgive any grammatical or typing errors. Oh yes, also forgive my crass and awkward sense-of-humor. And remember, we are all just a little crazy; some are batshit crazy.
Posted on by CP · 10 Comments

Talking to Myself

Do I Hear My Own Words?

What Talking to Myself Looks Like

Before I go into the theme of my blog, I wanted to report that I was part way through this draft when I looked back to see if I had written about this topic in the past. What I discovered was interesting. In the past I have written about voices in my head I had referred to as “my demons,” this blog about the positive side of voices in your head or what talking to yourself (out loud) might resemble. What this tells me, is that I have moved past viewing these voices negatively and instead, see them as a positive influence.

I’ll be packing for a trip and I might say, don’t forget your bathing suit. I’m not sure why, but it works. I seem to remember better when I put the thought out there in the ether.

I also talk to myself (sometimes out loud) when I feel as if I need affirmation. For example, I might say, you were right to upgrade your cabin for the cruise. I don’t necessarily require an answer; one of the many benefits of talking to yourself.

I haven’t seen a therapist for a number of years, instead I am using other ways to cope; this is one of the ways. I’ll admit that there have been times when I’d catch myself saying something out loud and then responding, that’s ridiculous! At least it’s me saying it and not someone else.

Some of the Things I’ve been Known to Say Out Loud When Talking to Myself

  • Good morning America — when I see someone who takes my breath away
  • You don’t know shit — when I’m pretty sure I’m clueless
  • Take it easy
  • Keep your mouth shut Chris — hardly ever works
  • Fear will kill you
  • He or she is not worth your time or energy
  • If you walk away from this purchase, will you regret it later
  • Don’t eat it if you’re not hungry
  • Just worry about yourself
  • You must have done something good
  • Don’t mistake opinion for intelligence
  • Do what you want to do without announcing it to everyone around you
  • Stop gawking
  • You’re the luckiest man in the world
  • Leave it alone, it has nothing to do with you
  • Why in the hell did you just do that?
  • My back really hurts, but I’m alive
  • I wonder what would happen if I spoke to him right now . . . well that wasn’t so bad.
  • Stop caring about what he or she thinks, it doesn’t matter

Come to think of it, I say things to myself out loud more often than I thought. Seems to be a good deal of monitoring and keeping myself in check — whatever works.

What People Might Think

Sometimes when we think we are doing something privately, we discover that we in fact are being seen (or heard) by others. The positive thing about earbuds and other devices is that people all around us these days appear to be having conversations with themselves; therefore, you’ll fit right in. The bottom line is, who cares what people think.

Upcoming Travel

Belgium (mostly Brussels) on Wednesday; on to Marseilles in June, then Oban, Scotland in July, and finally starting in October, a long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia. South Africa for the first time in late January 2024.

I checked the weather for Brussels and the prediction is rain for a couple of the four days I will be there. Funny, but I get so much sunshine here in the Algarve, I welcome rain when I travel, the opposite of the way things were when I lived in New York and Maine. It’s interesting to note these changes in one’s life.

I’m torn about a day trip to Luxembourg because it’s three hours in a bus each way. If you’ve been and you have an opinion, please share it. The photos of Luxembourg on line are amazing.

Looking Back

I rarely do this, but I booked a moderately expensive upscale hotel in Pornic (my last trip). I originally had a beautiful Airbnb on a canal, however, the owner cancelled six weeks prior — one of the risks of booking an Airbnb. I booked this particular hotel because I had a drink at the bar last year and I liked what saw. It had a hammam, a really nice gym, and rooms with balconies looking out over the canal and Pornic. I’m going to say it was about $75 per night than I usually spend. I slept really well between the quiet, the excellent pillows, the luxury cotton sheets and the knowledge that I had blown my budget on a fancy hotel — I just had to get my monies worth. Just gotta say, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As always, please forgive grammatical and typing errors, proofreading is tedious.

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The Upside of Being Single

To be clear, none of these dudes are my exes; nor do I personally know any of them. They are merely alone in the photograph, so I used these stock pics here. I also think they are all quite handsome.

“Just because I’m single, It doesn’t mean I’m alone. I have food and internet.”

— anonymous

I would add books and a pet.

I’m not intentionally trying to seem smug and superior about my single status. There is a stigma attached to being single and I’m merely attempting to show it can be a desirable choice.

Why This Topic

There is a lot to be said for being in a loving relationship. For the purpose of this blog, I will not be stating the many known positives. Instead, I will focus on the positives of the single life. Why go there you ask? The answer is simple: I need for all of my partnered friends and family members to know why I have chosen to be single and further, why I want them to leave me be — I’m being nice.

Always the question, “Why aren’t you with anyone?”

A Bit of History

I was born single. I stayed that way for years. I was introduced to a beautiful woman who was pure and good and I loved her. We married and divorced. Divorced because I finally admitted to myself and others that I was gay. I was gay and broken and my relationships with men went sideways at every turn.

After years of trying to make it work with men, it dawned on me that I had to fix what was broken. That is where I am today. I am working on loving the one person who will be with me until I die; me myself and I. It’s not a sad story. In fact, it is a happy story, because some never figure out that there is a path to figuring it out. Some suffer in silence until they suffer no more . . . until they cease to exist.

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke

Never Lonely

I travel alone, eat alone, go to the movies and theater alone, walk alone, play games alone, but I am never lonely. In order to be lonely, you’d have to either dislike yourself or not have enough interests — neither applies to me.

I can amuse myself with so many different things, if anything, I wish I had more alone time.

The Best Part of Single Life

I finally get to do a list — lists make me happy.

  • Freedom
  • My own big bed (I can sleep in the middle)
  • No arguments with angry partners
  • No second guessing whether there is love, or if the love is real, or if the love will last
  • I can have a second piece of cake without being chided for it
  • Lots of quiet time
  • An introvert (me) gets to be an introvert
  • You get to be selfish without the guilt
  • Spontaneous decisions
  • More time for me, me, me
  • I never have to sit in the middle seat on an airplane to please my partner
  • People invite you for dinner at their home more often, because feeding one is easier than feeding two. Mere speculation.
  • More closet space
  • I always get to pick where I travel and when I travel

If you have a life partner, disregard the aforementioned.

The Art of Living Life Without Expectations

The absence of expectations would be a false narrative; there will always be expectations. In this case the expectations are of me and from me, not from another. Yes, others have expectations of me, but in this case I am referring to expectations related to the making or spending of money, achievements, how I spend time, when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed.

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

A Quick Story

My mother could not stand to be alone. She ended one relationship and started another on the very same day. Seeing herself objectively was not possible and highly improbable. She met a man (not my father), who, like her, could not be alone. They lived in misery tethered to one another for over forty years. The two died only months apart. They might well have loved one another, but it was not a healthy, happy love, theirs was a desperate, codependent love. I learned a great deal bearing witness to their lives; I learned that being alone could be joyous and joyful and that I never wanted to be tethered to anyone. This doesn’t mean I’m ruling out a life partnership.

Upcoming Travel

Next week, a return Nantes and Pornic, France, then Belgium a few weeks later; on to Marseilles in June, then Oban, Scotland in July, and finally starting in October, a long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia. South Africa for the first time in late January 2024.

Being single allows me to plan and execute without having to check with anyone save my dog sitter.

Disclaimer

Sometimes I purposefully choose to revisit a topic without looking at what I’ve written in the past. Circumstances change, I change, the world changes.

Check this out:

If you live in or plan to visit the Algarve:

Flying Solo Meet Up (Click for link)

Please excuse any and all spelling and grammatical errors.

Posted on by CP · 9 Comments

Five Years In

My Politically Motivated Move to Portugal

Views from my terrace or spots not far from home

I have no doubt some of the other immigrants in my circle of friends and acquaintances, will read this blog and disagree with some of my thoughts and observations. Please keep in mind that this is my experience, not yours.

The Best of Relocation

The weather — I could not have asked for better weather than what I have experienced in the Algarve. We have four seasons, but they are mild compared to what I experienced in the States. Fall is cool, with some (not a lot) of rain and a bit of humidity; winter is a bit colder, however, never below 45◦ (F) after sunset and often above 60 degrees during the day — some rain, but never enough for me; spring is glorious, with an abundance of sunshine, a cool breeze and great sleeping weather; and lastly, summer is dry and hot, with temperatures often above 90◦. I don’t like July and early August; extreme temperatures make me uncomfortable. I also miss thunderstorms, we have very few of those here.

The Southern Portugal way of life — there are certain things that Europeans do that make a lot of sense. The pace of living is slower and less motivated by packing as much into a 24 hour period as possible. Life is more leisurely and less stressful. Lunch is the biggest meal of the day and more time is spent eating it. The abundance of sunshine sends people outdoors. The Portuguese are pleasant, but private. Children are free to play in yards and parks; their laughter fills the air (I live a block away from a large nursery school).

Food — the freshness of most foods is one of the first things about Portugal I noticed and embraced. Portuguese people practiced the “buy local” concept long before it became trendy in the States. The seafood is amazing, and although there is some farm raised fish, most of it is done in natural waters and well regulated for sustainability.

Healthcare — Aging is not pretty, therefore, I’ve needed several specialists over the last five years. I have not been disappointed. My visa comes with a private healthcare mandate and I happily comply. I’m paying 1400 euros a year — a co-pay of 35 euros for a visit to a specialist, whom I can usually see anywhere from the same day to two weeks. I’m impressed that surgery has not been the go-to answer to any issue. If I did end up needing surgery, the out-of-pocket expense would be reasonable. Actually, I did need some skin cancer surgery which cost me 80 euros. Medicines are inexpensive and most are over-the-counter. The only pill I currently have to take is a prostate pill and it’s over-the-counter for 4 euros and change a month.

Dental care is also excellent. I needed an implant a couple of years ago; all-in 1100 euros. I had an implant done in the U.S. for $4,000.

Open Space — Simply put, most of southern Portugal is spread out and well planned. There is a bit of traffic during the summer months, but it is light in comparison with most of the U.S.

English Speakers — Although I am struggling to learn Portuguese (it gets better everyday), I am grateful that so many people here speak English. I was at an auto body shop on Thursday and I typed my question into Google translator, showed it to the receptionist who then replied, “Would you like to speak in English?” We both laughed.

I love my gym and for 250 euros a year I can visit the gym up to six days a week from 6:30 a.m. to whenever they close — I have no idea when they close because I always go early.

The Challenges

Smoking and Men’s Cologne — These two things make me crazy. There are way too many smokers here, often making outdoor dining unpleasant. Young men bathed in cheap cologne is a sad realty I will never understand. I want to yell and scream, but I learned that my opinion is not the popular opinion and so I suffer in silence. My friends who spoke would never light-up during a meal.

The Roundabouts — I have two minds about roundabouts. I know that they make driving easier; however, many people have no idea how to drive in them, making them dangerous and scary. I have some thoughts on who the worst drivers are in Portugal, but I’m going to keep this bit to myself.

Taxes — I received a take break for my first ten years in Portugal; an incentive by the Portuguese government for relocation. This being a social democracy with a very different tax structure, I do not know what my tax liability will be after 10 years. I know that I will not be taxed on the taxes I have already paid; however, some taxes are higher and I will be taxed on income the U.S. will not tax me on. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. To be honest, I’m happy to contribute to a system that takes care of its own citizens. I do not see people living on the streets in Faro and there are very few beggars.

Little Humidity Most of the Year — I’ve been forcing myself to drink water my entire life. Summers here are hot and dry and unfortunately, I have allowed myself to become dehydrated several times. This will become more dangerous as I get older. I’m going to have to start setting a calendar reminder in order to hydrate. I’d rather be where humidity is low.

What I Might Have Done Differently

Rent first — I love my apartment, but only after a bit of anxiety and trial by fire. It would have been smarter for me to rent for a year and view many different properties. I recommend that you review your buildings financials prior to purchasing.

Language — I started a Portuguese language course as soon as I knew that I was moving overseas, but I knew very little Portuguese when I moved here. Take a language course just as soon as you know you are moving to a non-English speaking country. Memrise is inexpensive and easy to follow.

Transportation — I went without a car for five years in order to do my part in saving the planet. After experiencing numerous train strikes and unreliable bus schedules, I purchased a car. Life is easier with a car, even when you live in the center of a city. Travel outside of your city requires you to have a vehicle.

Dollars to euros — if you don’t mind checking the value of the dollar frequently, there are times you can get a decent exchange rate. I haven’t been very good at making transfers when the dollar was stronger than it is right now (it’s still better than when I purchased my condo six years ago). Last year there were a couple of days when the dollar was actually stronger than the euro.

What’s Next

  • I will continue to travel for as long as I can. Travel has been one of the best things about retirement. I am much closer to many of my favorite places and there are several competing budget airlines that help make it affordable.
  • I am struggling not to overplan and to allow life to be more organic. An almost impossible goal for me.
  • Trying not to pay too much attention to U.S. news. I’m finding the media’s portrayal of life in the States to be difficult to take in at times. I think I might have a healthier state of mind if I detach a bit more.
  • I am developing a “go with how you feel, when you feel it” attitude. If I’m itching for some travel, I book a trip. I believe that if I’m suddenly motivated to move to another country, I will just do it. Once you’ve done it successfully, you know in your heart that you can do it again.
  • Spending more time at home with Paco has been my best plan of action over the past few years. There is a 10 acre park across the street from my apartment that was just recently beautifully renovated. I’m enjoying spending time there with Paco and I know he’s enjoying it as well.
  • The friends I have made here make living in Portugal one of the greatest experiences of my life.

This overview is not all inclusive. There are the feelings of others to be saved, challenges I have not met, and issues that are more my problem than anyone else’s.

Future Travel

I’m spending a few days in Ayamonte, Spain this week. It’s only an hour from Faro by car and has a lot to offer. After that a return Nantes and Pornic, France, then Belgium; on to Marseilles, then Oban, Scotland, and finally a 2023 long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia.

Will I stay put in Faro or will I relocate once again?

I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE . . . for now.

Here I am celebrating my birthday in Liverpool last week. This is a Swedish drag queen who was on season one of RuPaul’s Swedish Drag Race. I’d share her name if I knew it. I could go to a drag show in Liverpool at 2:00 p.m.; if I wanted to go to a drag show in Faro, I’d have to be awake at 1:00 a.m. and that’s not happening.

Once again, please forgive spelling and grammatical errors.

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What If?

What if we could truly believe in ourselves?

Spring Equals Renewal and Change

Our mind is a glorious thing; tricky, complicated, and untapped. We are born thinking that everything and anything is possible, but as we grow older, the world and people around us teach us to limit our hopes and dreams to the just barely attainable. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to one another? Why do parents tell their children that their dreams are unrealistic and/or silly? Is it jealousy? Resentment? If I can’t have it you can’t have it? Can we who are highly motivated overcome it?

Human beings are extremely complex creatures, making answering these questions near impossible. However, that’s not a bad thing; mystery, questioning, wondering — it’s all good. And the short answer to the last question, is a resounding yes.

The desires for oneself that I’m talking about here can be dreams, but they might also be what you are expecting to accomplish in your life; normal everyday expectations or big longterm plans.

To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to bear with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go, to right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar, to try when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable star. This is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far. To fight for the right, without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest that my heart will be peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest.
Joe Darion

Stretching Your Imagination

I’ve been working on this for a long time. I don’t have all the answers, but I thought it might be helpful to share some of the tools from my toolbox with you; oversimplified psychobabble, but an effective metaphor.

  • Write down what you hope to accomplish. When you put it on paper, you’re one step closer to reality.
  • Picture what you hope for in your mind. Repeat, rinse, repeat.
  • Tell people about your wishes. Be careful not to be pretentious or lofty.
  • Be inspired by what others have to say about goals and objectives.
  • Set goals and objections with no limitations. Add specific details for “how” and “when” later.
  • If you are a parent, tell your children that they can achieve anything they work hard to achieve.
  • Climb to the highest peak you can find (be alone or with someone who won’t mind your behavior). When you’ve reached the top scream what you want out loud several times. Listen to your own words and follow your heart.
  • Ignore the noise all around you — the “I wouldn’t do that if I were you nonsense.”
  • Staying power is everything, don’t let go no matter the obstacles.
  • Celebrate every hurdle.
  • Success in achieving your goals is a healthy elixir. Let it become a welcome habit.

I refuse to use the word manifest. We sometimes latch onto a word or phrase and allow it to become cliché.

I am aware that nothing that I share is new or something you haven’t heard before; however, I am also aware that a reminder is never a bad thing. Also, sometimes the same thing said differently, sticks.

Upcoming Travel

I will be returning to Manchester & Liverpool, England April 5. Following that, a brief return to Nantes and Pornic, France. Then Marseilles in June, and Glasgow/Oban, Scotland in July. Dubai and four countries in Asia this October/November. Land and sea tour of South Africa, February 2024.

People sometimes ask me why I visit the places I travel to:

  1. I have never been and have always wanted to go.
  2. I have been and I enjoyed it so much I want to return. It’s usually the food that draws me in.
  3. I am visiting a friend or family member(s).

I Had a Dream Last Night

Last night I had a dream that Paco (my pooch) and I went on vacation. The place we visited was dog friendly and they were in every household; most ran loose in the streets. There were many dogs who looked just like Paco. Briefly after arriving wherever it was that I was visiting, Paco somehow got loose and wandered off. Another dog that looked like Paco ended up at my door. I was extremely upset, but people kept telling me that I shouldn’t be upset because I had a small blond dog and that’s all that mattered. I wouldn’t and couldn’t let it go. I walked the streets shouting his name (Ruffino in my dream). I spotted a large pack of dogs running in another direction; Paco’s red harness stood out. I called out: “Ruffino come to daddy (I think his name was Ruffino because I’d been longing for good pizza all week).” He stopped and looked at me and then kept going. I managed to nab him. It was a bittersweet ending, I’m afraid. I woke up feeling that I was keeping Paco locked up in our home, when what he really wants is to be free with other dogs. That guilt only lasted a few minutes. Oh how the mind works.

Thank you for reading my ramblings.

Let’s Get Started!

I took this photo on a hike in Colorado recently. There were too many people around for me to scream out my hopes and dreams for the future; I did the next best thing, I screamed it in my head and you know what, it worked just as well. Limitations are made-up roadblocks we tear down or ignore.

Post Publishing:

A wise friend wrote to me about fear after I published my blog yesterday. Fear is probably the number one reason that people abandon their goals/dreams. I write about fear in an earlier blog. I also omitted money as a consideration. I’ve had some time to think about both of these obstacles and I like where I have rested on this. Anyone who knows me can tell you that fear is not usually a concern for me. Right or wrong, I often charge into situations without much consideration for whether or not I will fail or be hurt in the process of pursuit. As for the other, I was born in poverty. My family didn’t have much money and we didn’t talk about money as an obstacle to fulfilling life goals. I guess in retrospect that is a testament to both my parents. They instilled the, “If you want it, you should go for it attitude.” I still feel that way. Why not try and see what happens.

Positive intentions and thoughts equals positive outcomes; yes please.

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Quiet Chaos

How To Navigate This Crazy World We Live In

Chaos defined: noun. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe (dictionary.com).

How many people do you know who are taking anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication(s)? Smoking pot to chill or cope? Drinking alcohol to soothe the pain? Sleeping to escape? Running from pain? Personally, most of the people I know do one or more of the above in order to deal with the complexities of the world we live in. For some, it is a life saver and for others, it’s killing them.

The flip side: how many people do you know that thrive on chaos? They gravitate toward it, create it, or wait for it to happen. I know one or two of these people and I think they know who they are.

Conflict and Chaos are not to be confused — conflict is a disagreement or argument. A state of chaos might be present if there are several arguments taking place simultaneously or if the conflict is random. I like a bit of conflict when it might get you to agreement or some resolution; chaos on the other hand makes me want to flee. I once lived in the center of chaos and not by choice. I now do whatever I can to avoid it.

How Bad Is It These Days?

We always believe things are currently worse than they were before; that’s a common misbelief. I’ve written on the “state of the world” topic before, therefore, I will leave it at this: no doubt the world is a difficult place to inhabit these days, but I would argue that it’s safer and better than it’s ever been, in most places; technology and greater wealth have made it so.

Why Are We Judged So Harshly?

Social media is not necessarily a bad thing; keeping up with friends from all over the world is one of the features I fully embrace. But in my mind, the dark side of social media is having aspects of your life displayed before strangers. With that comes jealousy, judgment, and criticism — everyone has an opinion. Unfortunately, those opinions are related to little snippets of your life; mostly aspects of your life people know nothing about.

In addition, it suddenly seems as if it’s okay to pass judgment on others. Whether it’s about a woman’s right to choose, a drag queen reading to children, the right to bear arms with or without a criminal record, how old the president might be while serving; everybody has an opinion and no one seems shy about voicing that opinion publicly.

How I Know I am Impacted By Chaos

Perhaps growing up in a totally chaotic environment with many sisters and brothers, has shown me that peace and quiet and an absence of chaos is where I prefer to be. My mother was one of those people who thrived on chaos. Living alone with my pet (Paco) provides me the peace I require. I know that it’s unrealistic to think that I can remain inside 24/7, never interacting with another individual or group. I often force myself to socialize and be a part of group interaction. When one of these groups gets rowdy, I run away. An Irish goodbye might even be necessary (leaving without telling anyone — I’ve heard it called a French goodbye as well).

I grew up in Coney Island; full of tourists and the fringes of society. When we went to the beaches, there was no space between blankets; people seemed to like it that way. No judgment at all, just a bit chaotic. As a child I shied away from crowds.

My body reacts to chaos in several ways: I become anxious. I sweat. My stomach hurts. I get a headache. Usually at least one of these symptoms is present; sometimes all.

Not everyone responds to chaos the same way, unfortunately, I become prone to accidents due to being wildly distracted and anxious.

Coping Mechanisms

Turn it off — We don’t always choose to be right smack in the center of insane chaos, but sometimes it just sort of happens. The easiest thing to do is to step away from it. We often have that choice and do not not exercise it.

Steer clear of chaos — easier said than done perhaps. When I lived in New York City, I noticed that there were three or four streets in Times Square that were always congested and chaotic; people who had no idea where they were going, tourists milling about, individuals trying to get tickets for this or that performance, people who love being in the middle of soup. I avoided those streets and now I couldn’t imagine being anywhere near Times Square.

Turn it into something positive — the best way to learn from a situation is to take a step back and evaluate what just occurred. Ask yourself the following questions: Did I have anything to do with the chaos I just experienced? Could it have been avoided? What steps can I take to prevent it from happening again? For example: flying on the day before a major holiday? Perhaps you might choose to fly a week before the holiday or on the actual holiday? We all know airports are chaotic the day before or a couple of days before a major holiday.

Chaotic dreams — I’ve noticed that sometimes I awake from a dream and I recall chaos in the dream I just had. I think it may be a way my psyche is coping with the chaos in my life — a way of sorting it out in my sleep, rather than working through it in reality. I’ve noticed this more at times in my life when I am dealing with several major issues all at the same time: family, financial, plans gone awry, etc.

Making My Bed Every Morning — It’s been proven that having order in your home, leads to greater order in your life. Make your bed and pick up after yourself.

A tip: One of the best tips I learned from one of Queen Elizabeth’s butlers, is to wait at least 30 minutes after getting out of bed to make the bed. We sweat at night. The moisture needs to dry before you make the bed. Trust me on this one.

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

Upcoming Travel

In a few weeks I will be returning to Liverpool, England. Not for a Beatles tour, but to see a good friend, enjoy a diverse and cultured city, and eat ethnic (street) food. After that a brief return to Nantes and Pornic, France, Marseilles in June, and Oban, Scotland in July. I’m getting closer to my Grand tour of Dubai and four countries in Asia this October/November. It doesn’t seem to be the case, however, this year there is more time between trips and most of my journeys are shorter.

I recently booked a South Africa cruise on NCL. My college roommate and his wife will be joining me. South Africa has been on my bucket list for a long time.

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My friend David (I wrote about him a few blogs ago), pastel drew Hanging Lake where we hiked in Colorado and sent this to me so that I would never forget.

The piece is lighter and more colorful than this. I took a quick photo prior to sending it off to be framed. I chose a light orange frame to pick up the gold and green tones. I’m excited to hang and admire it.

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My Baby Sister

My sister Debbie 2nd to last on the right

I consider myself quite the fortunate one in many ways, but I got especially lucky when my baby sister Debbie came into the world.

Debbie at a year old, I was two

If you currently do not have a baby sister, I suggest you go and find one.

Debs as I affectionately call her, was born one year and 10 days after me. I can’t say I remember the day she was brought home, but I know for certain I was happy. I had two older sisters who were taking good care of me, but I needed a playmate and Debs fit the bill. I know most brothers and sisters have a unique bond, however, what made ours different was the hostile environment we were raised in and how we supported one another . . . and still do. Having one another as an anchor has served us well throughout our lives.

As a toddler, I enjoyed dolls and cooktop toys more than baseballs and bats; Debs had no problem sharing. She was easy going and doughy eyed. I think the thumb sucking calmed her down. She was teased a lot for it, especially by our mom. That part still makes me angry.

Our elementary school classrooms were next to one another for several years. I witnessed her teacher verbally abusing her and I told my mom about it. My mother was a lot of things I did not appreciate, but she was fiercely protective of her children. She went down to the school and reported the teacher and had my sister’s classroom changed. I was proud of her for that.

We were so close growing up that people would mistake us for fraternal twins. As her older brother, it was my responsibility to keep the boys away. Debs never resented me for it; she knew I wanted the best for her. She was shy during her teenage years and sensitive about all things personal. I loved the way she looked up to me.

I was in a very bad car accident when I was 18 years old. When my mom brought me home from hospital, Debbie walked into the house, saw me and wept hysterically. I believe she was imagining what it might have been like if she’d lost me. I sometimes wake up in a bad state from nightmares where something terrible happens to her; I guess we have similar fears of loss. Allow me to stress the happy times.

When she met her husband Lynn, she struck gold. The guy (pictured with sunglasses below) is a gosh darned saint. Together they had two beautiful children: Nicole and James. They’ve been nurturing and loving parents and they have always included Uncle Chris in all of their kids’ milestones. Nicole now has twins, Stella and Ben, and it’s been a joy to watch them grow. As a gay single man, having a family that I consider my own, is a true gift. It’s been fun observing my sister with her grandchildren; she’s affectionate and sweet. And her best quality, she’s always laughing.

Debbie, Lynn and my nephew James are very close. James is a career officer in the Air Force. James is also a talented musician; I suspect this is where his passion lies. Being an uncle is a privileged position in a family. It allows you to experience all the good bits without the inner family drama. I love my sister and her family dearly; however, this is often drama. My guess is that all of the trials and tribulations and relationship dynamics, add up to a very deep bond. As an outsider, that’s the part I don’t get to be a part of. That reality has it’s upside.

One Beautiful Memory

Debbie had just given birth to Nicole. It was her first and the whole family was excited. I had returned home from University to meet my new niece. I walked into my mother’s house and Debbie handed Nicole to me without saying a word. She was only days old and wrapped in a snuggly blanket. I brought her into another room to privately marvel at her beauty. I thought, this magnificent child is a part of me and she will be until I die. I must have had some insight into the roles Nicole and James would play in my life; how family is the most important thing we have and how the intimacy of family is everything.

[Subscribing is free folks! And not all of my blogs are sappy.]

Debbie and her husband Lynn came to see me in Portugal a few months ago; we had a blast. Appropriate “spicy” sign to her left.

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Upcoming Travel

Fort Lauderdale (Deerfield Beach) next week, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles — Nantes and Pornic are happening on the same trip, over a four day period. Other holidays planned later in the year. Biggest trip of 2023 will be Dubai, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong — end of October to mid-November.

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Hurled Into the Extraordinary World of Food

At A Ripe Early Age


I have a confession to make. I’m not proud of it. I wish I hadn’t done it, but it was over 50 years ago and it’s time to let it go. There were eleven children from two different wombs in my family; that’s a story for another day. I was born to please. I learned early on that if I did the “right” thing, I would get the food that I wanted and liked. If I played my cards right, I could count on privileges my siblings were unaware of, and further, it was not my place to tell them. At the ripe old age of 12, I volunteered to do the weekly grocery shopping. With a family as large as mine, door-to-door delivery was necessary and fortunately for us, free. My neighborhood grocery store knew my family; I’m certain they were grateful we were catholic (usually an absence of birth control) and big eaters. You may be thinking that I was a good kid to relieve my mother of this cumbersome chore, but alas, I had an ulterior motive. Each week I would purchase cake and sweets which I did not send home with the delivery boy (always boys — I later became one myself). I coveted these ill-gotten goods and devoured them on the way home. This would explain my pudgy teenage physique. What I couldn’t eat I hid for later consumption. I committed this heinous crime for quite some time; my parish priest was never told at confessional (also for a later blog). Finally, a combination of guilt and excess pounds forced me to give up my criminal behavior. Lighten up, I’m no George Santos.


I’m afraid this was not my only crime. As the eldest son of divorced parents, I was charged with the task of taking the Brooklyn N train to Coney Island. I would meet my father at Carolina Restaurant for family meal (when restaurant staff sit down to eat before service); we spent ten quick minutes eating peasant Italian food and sharing not-so-pleasant stories about my mother and stepfather. Toward the end of our weekly ritual, I’d stick out my hand for the cash I made the trip to secure. Collecting and doling out our weekly allowance was solely my responsibility. I did not take this task lightly, in fact, I saw this as a huge burden. A burden deserving of compensation. Confession #2, I paid myself a salary for my hard work getting each of them their cash on time each every Tuesday, and me, worse for the wear. My earned bonus went toward the purchase of Coney Island confections at the sweets counter under The El: taffy, chocolate covered peanuts, huge colorful jawbreakers, and jellies. I had 20 minutes on the train home to hide the evidence in my belly.

I’m ashamed of these deceptions; however, they mark the beginning of my fascination with all things culinary. My desire to have all kinds of foods led me to a lifelong struggle with guilt, weight loss, and
the avoidance of food related lies. It feels good to report that most of these issues are under control. Although this is my first time publicly admitting my egregious wrongdoings, I have come to terms with my past and I forgiven myself. After all, we were dirt poor and my entrepreneurial spirit just needed channeling in a more positive direction. It it my hope that my siblings do not read this blog (I’m certain they won’t actually). I’m positive several of them would hold me accountable and might even go so far as to seek retribution — I imagine years of skimming off the top of their allowance, added up. My parents are long gone; they probably would have laughed about it and patted me on the back–afterall, it was their DNA that got me into that mess in the first place.

“I know once people get connected to real food, they never change back.”

– Alice Waters

Fast forward to college and beyond. As a college student, my school loans went toward buying food and eating out. I borrowed books and used the reference section of the library in order to spend less money on books for school and more money on good food. My father cooking was sublime; his knowledge of food extensive, and so, he consequently, spoiled me for life. I can’t be happy with MacDonald’s or canned beans. Like most incurable illnesses, I cannot be blamed for this affliction. Food has taken me to places I never imagined I would go. Dinners with Julia Child, business trips with Jacques Pépin, curriculum meetings with José Andrés, a lifelong friendship with the former editor of Bon Appetit, Barbara Fairchild, who is one special human. I realize it all started from a series of lies, but they were miniscule lies in the scheme of things. I have fond memories of discussions with Anthony Bourdain, although I never ate his food. My friendship with André Soltner will always be cherished (owner of Lutece in NYC). And 16 years at The French Culinary Institute was the single greatest gift of my life; the marriage of education and incredible foods doesn’t get any better. And as an added bonus, I met a few people there who have become lifelong friends. Not just foodie friends, they’d take a bullet for me friends.

“My weaknesses have always been food and men – in that order.”

– Dolly Parton

The FCI, eating at the #1 restaurant Francescana, cooking without recipes

Why I love Food

My father gets 100% credit for my love of good food. In addition to being a fabulous cook, he also loved food from all around the world. On his day off from work, he often took us to restaurants in our very diverse neighborhood. But I do have a story to share:

I was visiting him in Florida after he retired there. I told him I was taking him out for Chinese food; however under one condition: I would be ordering the food for us (I was a precocious twenty year old). He insisted on knowing why. I was quite frustrated with his resistance; he always ordered the same three dishes and I wanted him to try some Chinese food he’s never eaten. After a couple of hours of telling me I was ridiculous and stubborn, he gave up the fight. I ordered five or six exotic Chinese dishes: shark fin soup, abalone in garlic sauce, fried mashi; to name a few; I ordered a lot.

My dad was open minded, but he liked what he liked and he did not like dinner that night. He didn’t complain during the meal; however, after I paid the check he said, “From now on I’ll pay for my own meal and order whatever the hell I want.” He was right of course; I was an SOB.

It’s a Blessing and a Curse
Have you ever gone into a restaurant and found a dish so sublime you couldn’t get it out of your head? Two weeks later you return to said restaurant only to find out the chef left or he’s away for a few weeks or they’ve taken the dish off the menu and they’re not sure if it will ever return or the purveyor no longer carries that cut of beef or it just doesn’t taste the same and you don’t know why? This is the story of my life. Whenever any of the aforementioned happens, I am devastated and ruined for the day.

On the flip side, there are foods and dishes that I love that will never go away for the following reasons:

  • I cook them.
  • Many food brands have been around for 100 years.
  • Brooklyn and all of it’s wonderful ethnic restaurants is here to stay.
  • It comes from the ocean.
  • People would revolt if pizza and/or hamburgers went away.
  • They’ve been around for many centuries (e.g., nuts, rice, vegetables, bread, pasta).
  • Salt & pepper will be here long after we’re gone.

Fine dining is nice on occasion. I ate at high end, expensive, popular, talented chef restaurants, for so long it became tedious; if I’m going to be honest, I prefer either my own cooking or a neighborhood restaurant with good food. I can’t do super rich anymore; my digestive system just can’t handle it. I’d rather have a nice meal at a good price and take home the leftovers. When I really want to eat well: fresh, simple, and delicious . . . I cook. Cooking is my Zen place.

Then there is the wine — I’ll leave it at that.

Future Travel

Fort Lauderdale (Deerfield Beach) in two weeks, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles, France — Nantes and Pornic are happening on the same trip, over a four day period. Other holidays planned later in the year. Biggest trip of 2023 will be Dubai, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong — end of October to mid-November. This will be an adventure of a lifetime that has been postponed three times due to COVID.

Co-coaching

I am over two months into a co-coaching experiment I will write about soon. There are two things I want to tease you with:

  1. We sometimes limit ourselves in what is possible due to financial situations. This is unfortunate; I’ve learned there are many constructive things you can do with your life that cost nothing or next to nothing.
  2. Doing a deep dive into what emotionally and psychologically ails you is not easy, but it can be the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

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I commissioned Lori Owens Kostiuk, a very talented artist friend, to do a watercolor portrait of Paco. She truly captured the essence of Paco in his Sweet Pea harness. Thank you Lori. If you’re interested in a portrait of your pet, private message me for her details or find her on FB, LOK Studio 6.

“I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”

– W.C. Fields

This was a fun blog to write. Thank you for reading.

Posted on by CP

Empathy

Coping With and Managing Empathy

What We’re all Dealing With

Everyone tends to believe that circumstances are worse now than they’ve ever been. The truth is that this is just not the case. The Holocaust was a great deal worse; WWI or WWII were terrible times, Hiroshima, plagues in history when millions perished — yes there were worse times. Some of us tend to forget the suffering, horrors, and chaos humankind has endured in the past. Some, understandably, will never forget.

Still, the current status of the world is challenging: climate change, mass shootings, pandemics, cancer, war, the economy, the list goes on and on. But human beings are survivors; we are built to come up with solutions and cope with whatever lands in our laps. Positive thinking and a good attitude goes a long way — I’m not saying it’s easy.

Internalizing the Pain Others Are Feeling

No doubt empathy is a double edged sword. Without empathy we are without care or feeling, while with it, we carry the burden of pain. Still, it should not be forgotten that it is usually a lot worse for those experiencing pain or loss first hand. Being supportive of the person(s) in pain by being by their side or letting them know you are there for them, is more productive and healing for all parties. Letting others know how sorry you are by displaying your emotions publicly is usually not helpful.

When my brother passed, my mother could not support the woman who walked out on him. Even if her grief was real and justified, my mother had lost her son and it was my mother I needed to support. Sometimes we forget that empathy means prioritizing your emotional and physical support.

You can also be empathetic toward someone you are not terribly fond of; this is called being compassionate and a good human.

The Lack of Empathy Around Us

The term “thoughts and prayers” has been troubling me lately. To tell grieving parents that your thoughts and prayers are with them is hypocritical in some situations and most can see right through hypocrites. How could someone who supports the purchasing of firearms without a background check, be empathetic? There are so many clear examples of the use of religion or laws to justify a lack of empathy for others.

This idea of showing strength and keeping your emotions hidden, is nonsense. Being strong when others need you is essential; however, being stoic and without emotion makes those around you skeptical of your ability to understand their pain. As with all things balance is key.

Unfortunately, some people lack the ability to feel empathy; these individuals are broken and in need of therapy or some other means of awakening their emotions.

Coping Mechanisms

  • I hate to suggest this, but I firmly believe that sometimes the only way to deal with something is to turn it off (not deal with it).
  • Thinking about the worst case scenario. Not always, but sometimes, reality is less harsh.
  • Be good to yourself — do something nice for yourself.
  • Extend your sympathy to the person who is most affected.
  • Guilt is a horrible thing to feel and it is usually unwarranted. Survivor remorse or guilt is a very real feeling and for some, it is just as hard to deal with as if the tragedy happened directly to them. One way to deal with guilt is to talk it out with a friend. An objective point of view can be helpful. Knowing that the passing of time often makes things a bit easier, is useful knowledge to be aware of.
  • Find peace in knowing that empathy is so much more positive than a lack thereof.
  • Putting your thoughts and feelings in writing.

Do you have ways of coping with empathy on steroids? Please share.

How do you tell someone that they lack empathy? The $10,000 question.

Future Travel

This three month break from travel has been exactly what I needed. Too much of a good thing and all that jazz. No need for further explanation.

South Florida in four weeks, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles, France (first time). Other trips planned for later in the year. More next blog. I’m learning to spread my trips apart and appreciate them more.

State-of-Mind

Many things help us to cope as we navigate the day-to-day. I find two things very useful. The first is gratitude; thanking the universe for the many things we have to be grateful for: good health, friends, family, travel, having means, the weather, etc. The second thing that helps me prepare for the day and keeps me physically and mentally healthy, is exercise. For me it’s a trip to the gym five or six days a week. I’ve been participating in this daily routine for over 40 years; although it is not a cure-all, it sure does check a lot of good health boxes. Just be grateful that you have a heart and the ability to feel.

How to Be More Empathetic, NY Times, “A Year of Better Living,” Claire Cain Miller.

A question, I thought I should address, came up this week: How do you choose your topics? I do not spend a lot of time thinking about what to write. I usually open up my laptop when it’s quiet and I have no plans. I look at a blank blog page, click “write” and I begin to type. My guess is that the topic has been swirling around my brain the night or day before I write, but I’m not fully conscious of it.

Occasionally, a topic will come up at a table of friends during a meal.

I mostly write to sort things out in my head. I’ve learned that a combination or journaling and blogging clears my mind so that I can enjoy the moments that matter.

“Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.”

— Isaac Asimov