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A Question With Good Intentions

Innocence Quotes. QuotesGram

Humanity

We’re funny creatures aren’t we? We do so many things naturally, but keep them to ourselves or judge that discussing them is taboo. I’ll name a few:

  • Our true feelings — deep, dark, sincere feelings
  • Our bathroom habits (e.g., a majority of older men have trouble urinating due to prostate issues); we don’t talk about it.
  • Our fear of death and failure
  • Our sexual habits and desires
  • Thoughts of suicide when feeling alone or desperate
  • Our true nature

Let’s face it, we are a repressed people. And, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

A Funny Story (names will be withheld to protect the innocent and humble)

I recently attended an extremely satisfying dinner party. I say satisfying because I’m normally uncomfortable and apprehensive about even attending them in the first place. I get all anxious and threaten cancellation at the last minute. But this one was different. There were eight of us: three Americans, two Canadians, one Swede, one Finnish and a Brit. Probably all left leaning, although I cannot be 100% certain. What I do know is that all eight of us were there to have a good time and a good time is what we had.

I’ve been out-of-the-closet for a long time; therefore, discussing my sexuality is not usually an issue or concern. My current attitude is simply, take me as I am or don’t take me at all. What seems to be more of an issue for others, is that I’m single. When I’m in a group situation and my status comes up, I usually state that I am “happily single.” I say this because so many people, gay, straight, and undefined, seem to believe that I am in some way unhappy or unfulfilled and that this state of being is directly correlated with being single.

The party host was unfortunately recently widowed. Since it has been a little more than a year, I can see that people who care about her, are interested or secretly hopeful, in seeing her paired-up. Why do we do this to one another?

With all of the not-so-subtle comments or questions that surface during a gathering such as this one, it was refreshing and poignant to be on the receiving end of a genuinely sweet and innocent question. I should be clear about two things: first, the individual asking the question is an ordained minister, and second, the question was directed at the two single individuals in the group; the host and myself.

It is true that the host and I have an outwardly symbiotic relationship. We laugh a lot, touch a lot, and although we only know one another for a couple of years, it is clear that there is a lasting bond between us. I knew her husband, in addition, I had the pleasure and good fortune of knowing them together. They had one of those rare and touching partnerships that makes you believe in love. Although I felt her loss deeply when her husband passed, what I feel today is hopeful. I see an individual who has embraced the notion that life goes on. She seems to know that although nothing will or can, ever be the same, living with the memory of a joyful and loving life partner, can be a force in experiencing current and future happiness. I’m not an expert on these matters, but nothing speaks louder than a real life example — she is my litmus test, my proof.

Back to the question posed: the minister, female, late fifties, early sixties, appropriate at all times and allow me to guess, a role model for most; looked at the host and I with an unassuming smile, slightly raised eyebrows, and an empathic tilt of her head (adorned with a gorgeous fedora), and asked: “Couldn’t you two get together and fulfill your sexual urges?“

Honestly, I’ve been exposed to open minded people my entire life, I have had innocent children ask me questions about my bald head, I have been asked about my favorite sexual position, but I have never been asked a question quite as pure and loving; bold and judgment free.

The space the eight of us filled became notably silent for about two seconds — two blaring seconds. Seven of the eight of us needed to replay the question asked — to process and ponder. The golden silence was followed by tremendously loud and raucous laughter. Did we hear the minister correctly? When we all realized that we had heard the same thing and that what we heard was clearly a serious question, years of taught appropriate behavior and political correctness, shook us all to our collective core. Did someone innocently and politely address the unspoken truth? Yes, we have sexual urges, yes we had the body parts that biblically match, and yes, we genuinely care for one another.

The idea that all of that would be enough to sexually join together a fairly recent widow and one very out homosexual, was cause for true unbridled joy. At that moment, I fell in love with the minister. The zero judgment attached to the question, the caring way in which she asked, and the reaction she unknowingly provoked, informed me that this moment was one for the “this only happens once in a lifetime, this is your life,” living journals. I will hold onto it until I can no longer remember my name and I suspect our host will as well.

Finally, allow me to add, at a time when we have been forced and advised to isolate ourselves from others, it is moments such as this, where social interaction and human kindness collide, that I personally realize, why it is essential that we come together. To be human is to be with one another; to laugh, to cry and to love. No judgment, just good intentions.

Travel

As long as I test negative for COVID-19 on Sunday, Cuba is finally happening. You’ll read all about it in my next blog.

Be well, and be with the people you adore and admire and those who feel the same way about you.

[I tested yesterday so that I could pack and prepare with some degree of confidence. Negative results were not a given. Having achieved negative results, I will be isolating for the remainder of this week.]

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Crazy Shit I Sincerely Believe

No Judging okay?

Let the Work Begin in Earnest

Two things I intend to work on this year — I will from time-to-time report on my progress: First, walk away from toxic relationships and second, practice gratitude daily. The latter makes a tremendous difference in the quality and substance of my day, but I fail to practice this exercise often enough. I need to make it a permanent part of my day; like exercising. Why would put up with toxic individuals is beyond, but I am certainly guilty of it. Time to make a strong commitment to change.

I am grateful to all of the people in my life who lift me up, make me smile, and accept me as I am. I’m also grateful that I have the wherewithal to assess my mistakes and either make amends or move on.

Beliefs

I have strong convictions; always have. These are not opinions. They are the things I believe in my gut and I don’t think anyone or anything could persuade me otherwise.

Not In Order of Strongest Beliefs to least strongest beliefs (they are all strong beliefs):

  1. All human beings are born good. I have always truly believed this. When we are taught bad values or bad behavior is modeled early on, we can sometimes make them our own. I think evil babies only exist in film. That might not be true, I have a nephew who had a death stare when he was a toddler — there are always exceptions. Nature versus nurture; it’s a fascinating debate.
  2. Owning certain material things can mess you up. You purchase a fancy car (for example); people in your life and strangers fawn over your new car. This happens every time you take your car out of the garage. You unconsciously begin to believe that your car is an extension of you. After awhile, you begin to believe that you are as attractive as your car or that people are fawning over you. It’s not an attractive quality. Humility seems to be a lost characteristic for many. Two questions to ponder: 1) why are you buying the fancy car, and 2) how many of the “things” that you buy are enhancing your life and not for the purpose of proving your worth to others. Sometimes we purchase an expensive item and feel good for about five minutes. Is it worth going into debt for five minutes of gratification. When I was in my 20s and 30s I resisted spending money on many shiny new things. I did this whole number in my head about enjoying the moment, and what if I have a massive heart attack at 40 and die. I didn’t die and I was about to retire at 57 — a time in my life when I have a better sense of what I want, where I want to be, and how I want to live. Self-control is difficult, but it can be incredibly rewarding. And honestly, if I had died, I probably wouldn’t have had a thought about the $30,000 sound system I didn’t purchase. I realize I may be sounding a bit preachy; my apologies.
  3. Most politicians start out as people who care about their constituents. I didn’t say I wasn’t naive. I’ve met many grassroots politicians; they start out with great intentions and a few even serve their entire tenure with the well-being of others in mind. I partly blame the average passive Joe for mass corruption. Too many of us, myself included, do not take action. Should an elected official make a six figure salary, get 12 weeks vacation, get healthcare for life, and have the ability to quadruple their wealth because they know things we’ll never know? We allow it; therefore, we are to blame. We forget that we the people, due to our numbers and our constitution, hold the power.
  4. The desire to fall in love fades as you grow older. If you’ve been hurt a few times due to failed relationships, you tend to become cautious. Not all do of course, but this guy does. Then there is the effort factor. I am a firm believer that one has to work hard for something to be good or to improve, but . . . too much effort, where there is an imbalance, is not good either. I’m at a point in my life where I really enjoy being single. I may have talked myself into this mentality, but I don’t believe that’s the case. Relationships are totally worth the energy you put into them; however, they’re also complicated and sometimes messy. I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I do not owe anyone an explanation for choosing to be single.
  5. Most things can be tolerated in moderation. Tell me that I cannot do something and I will want to do it even more. Simple example of this is food. If a doctor told me that I couldn’t have chocolate because it has a property that might slowly kill me, I would desire chocolate all day, everyday. I know that wine has some positive beneficial qualities for good health. If you enjoy drinking it, then it’s good for your state of mind and well-being. I also know that wine has a lot of sugar and that’s not good for your health. I recently started pouring a half a glass and I’ve noticed that I am drinking less. Now, I slowly savor the taste and pleasure of drinking wine; gulping it is unnecessary and unhealthy. I feel like I can have my cake and eat it too — literally. I know I bargain with myself, but because I do not have an alcohol addiction, I feel that I keep it in my life in a healthy way. If I felt to compelled to drink as soon as I got up in the morning or drank until I passed out, that would make for a different scenario. I think it’s important to continually assess his particular relationship. I believe it applies to medication, food, gambling and anything else that is considered addictive. Self-control may factor in depending on your particular situation. I have very little self-control when something is put right in front of me. For example, I usually do not eat chocolate at night because it has caffeine and I am super sensitive to caffeine. If I’m at a dinner party and a homemade chocolate cake is put on the table, I cannot resist. I will usually limit my intake to a few bites. As I said earlier, don’t judge.
  6. Jealous people are dangerous. I’m going to leave it at that.
  7. Ignoring a thing will not make it go away. I’ve been trying to prove myself wrong on this for years. Whatever it is that I’m attempting to deny, will pop-up at the most inopportune time in the least desirable place (i.e., conversations, during sex, during sleep, while watching a good film). Much better to confront it head on and deal with it. Sometimes, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets or the more complicated it becomes.
  8. You can satisfy a desire by allowing yourself a small amount of whatever it is you are seeking (does apply to everything). Eat slowly and allow yourself to fully enjoy food without guilt — it works! Here’s another one: you’d like to go to the Caribbean for a week, but money is tight. Book a four night trip instead of the full week; it will probably satisfy your vacation desires. I’m certain I am over simplifying this one.
  9. When people try to attach themselves to you too quickly, they probably have an unhealthy agenda or motive. Completely based on life experience. Cautious in nature as I am, if I find someone is clinging to me or contacting me way too often, I usually back-off a bit or sever ties completely. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts.
  10. When someone tries to push an investment opportunity too hard, it’s probably best to walk away from it. It’s not easy to persuade me to do anything and investing money is at the top of the list. After I say, no, I track the business or stock and in almost every case my instinct was correct. I did make one investment reluctantly and the business was sold a few years later. I did not suffer a loss, but the gains were minimal and in the end, not worth the worry. I did, however, get to be a part of a venture I believed in — I guess that counts for something.
Someone else

Travel

Alvor, Portugal again this week. I like everything about this small coastal town off-season. I’m not too happy about having to show a negative test; however, it will be free and I guess necessary.

Cuba, Toronto and Baltimore in February. I guess we’ll having see what happens with the Omicron variant.

Many trips are planned in 2022; one or two a month in fact, but I’m not counting on anything these days. Not being cynical, more practical perhaps.

Happy New Year 2022

Posted on by CP

When Did We Become So Sensitive?

Or Am I Just Jaded?

I was raised in a home where you said what you had to say; you got it off your chest and then you let it go. By the time I got to kindergarten, I learned that the rest of the world didn’t operate that way.

Along the way, I received lots of reactions to my “Brooklyn” bravado. I had to hide my sexuality, therefore, it was act tough and survive or whimper and be bullied. I developed a thick skin and a look that said, be real with me or get out of my face.

And then this happened . . .

I was a candidate for a really great position on campus at the University of South Carolina. It was my second year of a two-year Master’s degree program and I had spent the first year validating my candidacy for a coveted position. At the end of my second semester, I met with the director of the Living & Learning Program and discussed my future. I remember a smirk on his face I didn’t appreciate. He told me that there had been a couple of complaints about my direct nature — an interesting way to put it. He further went on to tell me he had observed it himself. What he said in not so many words:

I appreciate that you’re from New York and that New Yorkers are known for speaking their mind. It’s not how we conduct ourselves in the south. We tend to start with some small talk and then we sugar coat our words a bit. That’s how we succeed in getting what we want. You might want to consider changing your communication style while you’re in South Carolina; maybe tone it down a bit (source is now deceased, 1983). I guess I might have been reliving this horror in the middle of the night last night, because I also recalled that he said that I was a “primadonna.” At the time, I didn’t even know what that meant.

To say that I was devastated is a gross understatement. I spent the next two months questioning everything about the way in which I conducted myself. I cried a lot, I was angry, I hated that creep, and I went from deciding I would change everything about myself to being determined I would stay true to who I am.

At the end of a long and tortured summer, the director called me into his office; I almost refused to take the meeting, but I knew he had a lot of influence at the University. He asked me if I’d thought about what he’d said in May. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was tormented by his feedback. I responded:

I thought about what you said and I agree with some of it. I went on to tell him that I could be a bit less crass and a bit more tactful. I also stared him straight in his eyes and told him that I liked my own sincerity and direct approach; bullshit was not my style and being all nice nice without feeling it, wasn’t ever going to happen.

He listened with what seemed like an open mind. I asked him if there was anything else and he said,

“The position is yours if you want it. There are a lot of people on campus who are rooting for you, don’t let them down.”

He shared his own reservations and I sat there acting all smug and self-satisfied. I wanted that job more than anything and I was determined to prove him wrong.

So what is the point of my telling you this tale of woe? There are a few reasons actually:

  1. His words stuck with me more than any others that I have heard in my life. I didn’t like him, but I respected him and I came to believe he was sincerely trying to teach me something.
  2. In many ways he was right. I was overly confident and way too direct.
  3. Had he not shared his observations with me, I may never have been told that I needed to lower the volume. I still resent his harsh and hurtful approach, however, he managed to get me thinking about how I communicate with people and that is never a bad thing.

I have mentored several young people throughout my career. I have been in the position to share my thoughts about character flaws I thought could be altered or corrected. I am thoughtful about the way in which I phrase my criticism or feedback. I can always tell when I may have pushed too hard or said too much. I recall how much I learned from my critic and I accept the anger directed toward me. My own saboteur reminds me that I am vulnerable and imperfect.

And Another Thing . . .

My neighbor has decided to make his condo an Airbnb; it’s his place, I guess it’s his business. Personally, I think it’s an ugly dump and I’m not sure why anyone would rent it. It’s probably cheap, so it’s attracting young party people.

Yesterday, my new, not-so-friendly Airbnb neighbors were getting on the elevator to go to the beach and I introduced myself:

“Hi, I’m Chris, if you need anything please knock.”

They looked at me like deer in headlights and I very gently said:

“Do me a favor, when you close your door, please do it slowly. When your door slams my apartment shakes.”

Seriously, it sounds like a bomb has hit the building when the wind is strong.

You would have thought I was asking them to go to bed earlier. The look I got was of utter disgust and resentment. I promise you, I was pleasant.

What I said to them was not even criticism mind you. Would a big ugly sign outside my door asking for consideration be better?

Things I Keep In Mind When Offering Criticism/Feedback

  • Will I ever see this person again?
  • Will my words make a difference?
  • How am I being impacted by their approach or style?
  • What words can I use to make a difference?
  • Am I being honest or mean?
  • Do I really know better?
  • Is my honesty a way to sabotage a relationship?
  • Will they hear me?
  • Are they open to feedback?
  • Why am I doing it?

I know that I don’t know anything about most things, but I sure do know a little about some things. Keeping my opinion to myself isn’t easy, so listen up:

Men of Portugal (you know who you are), stop dousing yourself with buckets of cheap cologne, you stink and you’re making me sick! People, when you’re in line at the supermarket you need to stay in line; continuing to shop and expecting to keep your place in line, isn’t cool. And to the young men who own motorbikes in my neighborhood: I know that having a small penis makes life difficult; however, taking your muffler off of your motorcycle or moped won’t make that little penis any larger. You’re just making people angry and the girls don’t think it’s cool. Spend more time on your hair, it’s quieter. And I’m sorry to judge, but young gay men are not driving their loud motorbikes all around Faro.

Note: I’m just guessing about penis size.

When people are not willing to speak out for fear of repercussion or alienation, they become angry, resentful, and complacent. Keep this in mind when someone around you is feeling stifled or worse, gagged.

honesty quotes we are franker towards others ourselves friedrich nietzsche wisdom

Travel: Time on the Spanish/Portuguese border in a Pousada next week; they can’t cancel that on me. I’m pretty sure I’ll get to go on my trip to Stockholm in August. And maybe even a booked trip to Lyon, France in September. I don’t count on travel anymore, I just have to wait and see.

POUSADAS DE PORTUGAL

Castles, Palaces, Monasteries, Halls of kings and Rooms of Queens… The Pestana Pousadas de Portugal offers the ultimate immersive Portuguese experience in some of the country’s most historical and iconic properties.

Note: Check out Wanda Sykes who is hosting for Jimmy Kimmel this week. She’s doing some kick ass truth tellin’.