Free of your own demons, constraints, and guilt
Reading the words in my subtitle takes me aback. The idea that we walk around with the weight of so much negativity on our backs is truly daunting. There is only one way to tackle these challenges and that is to face them head on.
If you listen to most therapists, they will tell you that the issues that weigh you down the most more than likely come from some trauma or scary occurrence from your past. Once armed with this knowledge, what do you do with it? Unfortunately, some carry it on their backs their entire lives. Resentment and emotional pain is heavy and all consuming. Sometimes it’s so much a part of your life it becomes familiar and not-so-much painful as ever present. I have a friend who likens this to a wart you might have for years. You see and feel that wart on your hand every day. The wart just becomes part of you. If you have that wart removed, you will probably unconsciously rub your hand where the wart once was, expecting the wart to be there. The wart was there for so long, a small part of you expected it to always be there. The same can be true for a memory that has a daily impact on your psyche.
As a very young child, I witnessed my mother being pummeled by someone I loved and admired very much. My mother was admitted to hospital while her life threatening wounds healed. Unfortunately, the emotional and psychological trauma never healed. The anger, hurt, betrayal, for her and several of us in her world, lasted and persists through lifetime. It causes us to question love, trust, security and most of the things we take for granted when things are going well in our lives. I grew up blaming myself for this person’s behavior — that is until I confronted him, accepted that I’d done nothing wrong, and promised myself not to repeat the patterns I had come to be a part of. Freedom only comes with self-love and facing the fact that sometimes people we love are flawed.
How These Feelings and Thoughts Manifest
For me, examples are always the best way for me to clarify my thoughts. Because violence is so abhorrent to me, when I’m around someone who displays anger by clinching their fists or raising their voice, in my mind, it will probably lead to violence. I find myself fleeing from or avoiding this behavior. The demons people sometimes hide can often only remain contained for so long. I prefer not to be around to witness it. I can’t change them or their behavior. The only thing I can do is protect myself and try to forgive them.
How What We See Hits Us All Differently
I see and hear an individual boasting and I see a broken person. If you need to prove your worth by showing off your shiny things, your self-esteem is damaged. I find myself disgusted by this behavior. I know that it reads as intolerance and unsympathetic, but at least I know who I am. The choices we make in life matter. I admire people who choose a career in the helping professions knowing full well they will never get rich on their salary. I know finding people who get into politics with the intention of improving lives is rare these days, but I’m also certain that these individuals exist.
Allow others to see who you are by the deeds you do and the simple way you live your life. If you choose to flaunt your possessions or show-off labels, that’s fine. These people are not doing damage to our planet or ruining lives; however, if I choose to not spend time with you because it disgusts me, that’s my choice. I only had to be called out on boasting once to know how horrible it comes across. The world is becoming more and more superficial and it makes me sad. The more of it I see and experience, the less I want to be a part of it.
I worked with a very famous chef who is often in the spotlight. This sad human loves to flaunt all of the things he does for humanity. Behind the scenes he is loud, angry, and intolerant. If you had not been exposed to this side of him, you might think he was the kindest, most compassionate human. I’m afraid that many individuals covered by the media are guilty of this behavior. People around these individuals are afraid to call them out or worse, bathe in their success — being invited to parties, get to ride in their private jet, or snort their coke.
There have been too many of these people in my past. In some cases, I was complicit in their deception.
What is considered boasting or conceit is subjective, make up your own mind and be true to yourself.
The Absence of Guilt
Ah guilt, it’s the worst. I believe that it’s been proven that we all have one gene that makes us feel guilt, I have six. Trying to manage my overwhelming guilt is no small task. But lately, I’m doing a great job with this. I’m not sure what the turning point was; I’ve examined the past and I can only come up with one reason that I carry less of it. I believe that over the years I just got tired of it. It can spoil your good time, ruin your day, cramp your style, and be a turn off for others. Constantly apologizing and backing down. It’s so much better for your health and well-being to accept that you will make mistakes and people will forgive you. To error is human for Christ sakes. Be kinder to yourself. Some guilt is justified, I won’t name those cases.
A Thought
Sometimes, while I’m writing, I feel like I may be coming across a bit preachy. I apologize if that’s the case. I’ve been working on being a better human for a while now. Some of what I have learned has made my life easier and more enjoyable. I love sharing the tiny pearls of wisdom that I have had the good fortune to acquire.
Am I totally free? Far from it, but closer to it. I expect to say the same at the end.
State-of-Mind
I have learned that experiencing deep grief can be incredibly healing if you allow it in. It’s a lonely process. And, it’s a difficult process. However, if you sit with the feelings of loss and truly consider how your life was changed and enhanced by this being, you come out of it realizing that you are fortunate and better for having loved as deeply as you did. You also learn that grief doesn’t have an end date and that’s okay too. Your thoughts can go from extreme sadness to feelings of gratitude and warmth — allow yourself to be wrapped in the blanket of the purest love.
We have much to learn from loss.
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