I Need to Figure This One Out

I started this blog a few days before Christmas and decided to hold off on publishing it until after the New Year. Two reasons: first it was too big a question for that time of the year and I was about to rant. As I get older and find myself with time on my hands, more and more, I seek the truth. But what is “the truth?” The meaning of life (for me that would be truth) is so huge that I’m not sure my average brain can even begin to contemplate the answer. I even have “truth” tattooed on my forearm. Well it was either that or a bowl of pasta — I think I chose well.

I want to start with a statement that works for me: your truth is your truth, no one else has to share, accept or believe your truth. This statement or a version of it, is what I often repeat in my head. Those who try to force or impose their truth on others, will find that most individuals will justifiably resist. Right or wrong does not live in this particular space.

In an attempt to make it easier to explore the answer, I’m negating the constructs that do not apply to my truth. For example: religion, nationalism, war, false narratives, monetary wealth (acquiring more than you need), and forced values. The aforementioned do not apply to me because I do not subscribe to them. For example, war — war is not the answer to a dispute between countries. There are certainly other proven ways to resolve issues. It is my belief that leaders use war to further division and keep the focus off of systemic problems closer to home. We are being manipulated on a daily basis; not a conspiracy theory, great minds have shown us how this works. You can be pissed off about it or work around it.

When seeking my truth, I therefore, look beyond the distractions swirling around me. The media has become the worst culprit. When tuning into the news of the day, I maintain a filter which can help me see through sensationalism and bias. A volcano eruption in New Zealand is a fact. The scope of damages is fact. The impact on the area is fact. This particular news bite is safe for consumption. But the discussion of the Royal family and how people are digesting news of Prince William and Harry’s latest riff — that news is conjecture and sensationalism; how it is reported is filled with bias. It is designed to persuade you to feel a certain way and to manipulate your thoughts. I find it offensive and demoralizing and it’s only getting worse. Unfortunately, many take it at face value, failing to hear it through a discerning filter. Critical thinking is lost on the masses these days.

So What’s My Point

For me, getting to the truth is essential. There was a time I cared more about what others thought of the truth; today, not-so-much. The focus is now on me and what I think. I discovered the hard way, that people tend to believe whatever they choose to believe and little can be done to persuade them otherwise. I no longer have the energy to even try.

Quick story: my mother was convinced that Barack Obama was Muslim; she was certain that he hid his true religion from voters. A lot of this had to do with “Hussein,” being his middle name. Where this notion came from I cannot tell you, but she believed it was true. I worked hard to convince her otherwise and failed on several occasions. I was of the belief that if I could present the facts and get her to see she was wrong, she’d vote for Obama for president. After too many conversations to count, I gave up. The truth I did not want to accept was that she was a racist and her (and many others) belief that a black president would ruin the country. Surely, if elected, he’d give billions away to minorities and make life miserable for middle class whites. How did I know she felt this way? “Chris, look what happened when New York City elected a black mayor; the city almost went bankrupt.” The only fact in that statement was that NYC had a black mayor. I wasn’t fighting one lie, I was arguing with the 43 people in my mother’s life who were convinced a black president would send us down a rabbit hole of crime and corruption. I started hating my mother and everyone she associated with. It was unhealthy and unproductive. In the end, she told me that she decided not to vote because her vote didn’t matter. Did I even make a dent in changing her thinking? I doubt it.

The focus on my own truth is far easier to manage. Admittedly, there are times when I have doubts that I can actually get to the truth. The Epstein case for example. Will any of us know whether or not he committed suicide in that jail cell? Clearly, many high profile individuals preferred him silenced for good. This truth may never be revealed. I not only find this troubling, but it also casts doubt on so any other societal institutions we often rely on to help us to find the truth: law enforcement, courts, and politicians we might otherwise trust. Finding the truth is nearly impossible. I suspect it’s the main reason for the public’s suspicion of politicians and political parties. People chose a side based on a gut feeling rather than facts; facts are almost impossible to discern.

Why it Matters

My moral compass was shattered as a child. My mother (and this is fact), was untrustworthy. She did things I’ve stated in previous blogs that I was ashamed of. I’d go to sleep swearing that I would never live that way. I cannot say that I am an angel; however, I do try my very best to stay true to myself and do right by others. For me, it is at the very least a guideline that helps me navigate life and relationships. You can make mistakes, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on.

Ultimately, laying my head on my pillow at bedtime is a much more pleasant experience when I have sought the truth and accepted my findings. The answer is not always definitive and that has to be okay.

You are welcome to weigh-in.

Please feel free to subscribe. Add your email and my blog will be sent whenever it’s published.

Future Travel

South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

There are times in my life when I feel more like an observer, than a participant — this is one of those times. I’ll try to describe exactly what I’m currently experiencing. Rather than actually standing in the bathroom shaving my face, it feels more like I’m standing outside of the bathroom, watching myself shave my face. It’s a kind of detachment and an absence of focus on details. I have to be careful not to have an accident, because it’s too easy to become distracted while in this frame of mind. It’s usually temporary, lasting days, not weeks. I have no explanation or cause. If I were to speculate, I’d say that it’s a defense mechanism. Perhaps I am deeply disturbed about something and this is a way to avoid feeling the emotions; I honestly don’t know. At this point in my life, I have accepted that some personal truth may never come to light. In the end, I will die and my truth with die with me.

“You discover nothing; you only learn of
what you have been ignorant of so far.”
― Lamine Pearlheart, To Life from the Shadows