Papagni Pages

Category: The Things I’ve Learned

  • Maximizing Quality Sleep

    Being Realistic At the Same Time

    Caution: Do not read this blog if TMI is a problem for you. I apologize that the subject matter is sort of bland this week. This is what happens when things are moving along swimmingly well.

    This is based on a lifetime of experience and many sleepless nights.

    The Perfect Night’s Sleep

    I am going to begin by describing what I believe to be the perfect night’s sleep. Later I will go into individual needs, what works versus what doesn’t, why sleep matters, and what to do if you did/do not achieve your sleep goals.

    When I wake-up naturally after 7 1/2 to 8 Hours sleep feeling rested, fresh, and with clarity (fond memories of my last dream), I can accomplish just about anything. The difference is a good day versus a challenging day. I have not used an alarm clock since I was a university student. No matter what time I go to bed, my body wakes up at about 4:30 a.m. It used to be just after 5:00 a.m., however, lately I have been dozing off by 8:30 p.m. I know that may seem early for some, but this is the time my body shuts down. If and when I listen to my body, I get a good night’s sleep. I have a few friends who think I’m missing out on fun nighttime activities, to them I say, you’re missing out on the splendor of the early morning.

    My Needs In Order to Achieve a Good Night’s Sleep

    It is important for me to be thoughtful about my sleep patterns. I have a very common problem for older men where an enlarged prostate wakes you up in the middle of the night so that you can urinate prior to returning to sleep (hopefully). Without medication, I was waking up three or more times each night and experiencing difficulty urinating. With medication I can sleep longer and urinate more easily and less frequently. This means I have to remember to take the medication when it is meant to be taken. I’ve been on Redict for about a year; thankfully, it is the only medication I take. My urologist would like to avoid surgery and I am 100% on board with that.

    What Works Versus What Does Not Work (be prepared for more information than you need)

    • A dark room is essential
    • Minimal outside noise (my bedroom is at the back of my apartment mainly because the city picks up the trash anytime between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m. in my section of Faro — it’s crazy loud. I used to hear dogs barking in the middle of the night, but fortunately that has either stopped or I no longer hear it.
    • My sheets must be a soft cotton and washed once-a-week; if I’m even a day late I can tell the difference.
    • I have purchased over fifty pillows over the last forty years, attempting to find the right one. I still do not feel as if I have it right. I currently sleep on one medium density goose down pillow. I have had neck surgery due to multiple issues; therefore, without proper neck support, I wake up with a stiff neck.
    • My bedroom needs to be free of odors. I recently tried a new fabric softener and I had to wash my sheets the next day.
    • The temperature of my bedroom needs to be somewhere between 60 and 65 F.
    • My blanket must be light year round. Down is ideal in winter and cotton in summer. The in-between months are challenging, but at this point I know to keep a variety of covers nearby in case I need to make a change.
    • I cannot drink more than one cocktail or two glasses of wine within two hours of going to bed. If I exceed this amount, I wake in a pool of sweat.
    • Wherever I am sleeping, a toilet has to be close by. I recently stayed in an Airbnb where the listing stated there was a bathroom in the sleeping loft; indeed there was a bathroom, except that it didn’t have a toilet. I had to go up and down a narrow flight of stairs — needless to say, little to no sleep.
    • My space has to be super clean.

    Perhaps now you will better understand why I live alone. The Princess and the Pea children’s book is relatable.

    Why It Matters

    There are two reasons it matters a great deal: first, without the proper amount of sleep I do not function well. I do not think straight, I make mistakes, I can be short with people, I don’t enjoy food as much — you get the picture. Second, I know that I am much healthier when I sleep well.

    Dreaming is an important part of my sleeping pattern. When I have a deeper sleep, I dream all night and wake-up feeling so much better.

    An afternoon nap usually helps when I’m sluggish. Even if I do get a full eight hours, an afternoon nap can be quite delicious.

    “The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.”

    — E. Joseph Cossman

    Random Ideas for A Good Night's Sleep
    • Manifest your goal by imagining it
    • Treat yourself to a fabulous hotel room
    • Keep lavender near your bed
    • Do not eat right before you go to bed
    • Keep your television out of the bedroom
    • Instead of drinking water in the middle of the night, I gargle with it and spit it out — for obvious reasons.
    • Do not paint your bedroom with loud colors; neutral, soothing colors work better
    • Think pleasant thoughts. If you journal, put it down on paper and get it out of your head.
    • Attempt to resolve conflicts before you go to bed.
    • Don’t watch the news before bed
    • Reading a good novel is the best sleep aid
    • Do not spend time on electronic devices right before turning out the light
    • If you can, have a pleasant conversation with someone you care about before you go to sleep
    • The better your day, the better your night
    • If thoughts are looping through your brain, get out of bed and walk around a bit to break the pattern or read for a bit.

    Write me if there is something that you do that really works.

    When I was living in New York City, there was a period of time when many people were getting bed bugs. It was a nightmare which was expensive and caused a great deal of anxiety. Throughout this period, I imagined that I had bed bugs too many times. I’d wake up in the middle of the night scratching and using a flashlight to check for bugs. Thankfully, I never had them, but the fear was almost as awful as an actual occurrence.

    ___________________________________________________

    Future Travel

    Provence next week and then I’m going to enjoy the Algarve until early July, when I will be in Scotland for a couple of weeks of cooler northern Europe weather. Fall: Asia, land & sea, and then South Africa in winter. This is all of have planned and I’m going to keep it this way for awhile.

    Current State-of-Mind

    I’ve added this permanent section to my blog to demonstrate one important fact of life:

    Your state-of-mind may not be linked to anything in particular. It took me a very long time to learn that no matter what I do to feel good, there are days or times in my life when I am either uneasy, unhappy, or unhinged. Managing these emotions is a lifelong task. I’m doing this one day at a time with gratitude and good intentions.

    ____________________________________________________________

    Writing this blog has been helpful on many levels. Any feedback on topics or content is appreciated.

    “Life is like the ocean. It dips and dives. You can have a general course of navigation but you can't stop the tide from where it takes you.”
― Isabella Poretsis

As always please forgive any grammatical or typing errors. Oh yes, also forgive my crass and awkward sense-of-humor. And remember, we are all just a little crazy; some are batshit crazy.

  • Talking to Myself

    Do I Hear My Own Words?

    What Talking to Myself Looks Like

    Before I go into the theme of my blog, I wanted to report that I was part way through this draft when I looked back to see if I had written about this topic in the past. What I discovered was interesting. In the past I have written about voices in my head I had referred to as “my demons,” this blog about the positive side of voices in your head or what talking to yourself (out loud) might resemble. What this tells me, is that I have moved past viewing these voices negatively and instead, see them as a positive influence.

    I’ll be packing for a trip and I might say, don’t forget your bathing suit. I’m not sure why, but it works. I seem to remember better when I put the thought out there in the ether.

    I also talk to myself (sometimes out loud) when I feel as if I need affirmation. For example, I might say, you were right to upgrade your cabin for the cruise. I don’t necessarily require an answer; one of the many benefits of talking to yourself.

    I haven’t seen a therapist for a number of years, instead I am using other ways to cope; this is one of the ways. I’ll admit that there have been times when I’d catch myself saying something out loud and then responding, that’s ridiculous! At least it’s me saying it and not someone else.

    Some of the Things I’ve been Known to Say Out Loud When Talking to Myself

    • Good morning America — when I see someone who takes my breath away
    • You don’t know shit — when I’m pretty sure I’m clueless
    • Take it easy
    • Keep your mouth shut Chris — hardly ever works
    • Fear will kill you
    • He or she is not worth your time or energy
    • If you walk away from this purchase, will you regret it later
    • Don’t eat it if you’re not hungry
    • Just worry about yourself
    • You must have done something good
    • Don’t mistake opinion for intelligence
    • Do what you want to do without announcing it to everyone around you
    • Stop gawking
    • You’re the luckiest man in the world
    • Leave it alone, it has nothing to do with you
    • Why in the hell did you just do that?
    • My back really hurts, but I’m alive
    • I wonder what would happen if I spoke to him right now . . . well that wasn’t so bad.
    • Stop caring about what he or she thinks, it doesn’t matter

    Come to think of it, I say things to myself out loud more often than I thought. Seems to be a good deal of monitoring and keeping myself in check — whatever works.

    What People Might Think

    Sometimes when we think we are doing something privately, we discover that we in fact are being seen (or heard) by others. The positive thing about earbuds and other devices is that people all around us these days appear to be having conversations with themselves; therefore, you’ll fit right in. The bottom line is, who cares what people think.

    Upcoming Travel

    Belgium (mostly Brussels) on Wednesday; on to Marseilles in June, then Oban, Scotland in July, and finally starting in October, a long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia. South Africa for the first time in late January 2024.

    I checked the weather for Brussels and the prediction is rain for a couple of the four days I will be there. Funny, but I get so much sunshine here in the Algarve, I welcome rain when I travel, the opposite of the way things were when I lived in New York and Maine. It’s interesting to note these changes in one’s life.

    I’m torn about a day trip to Luxembourg because it’s three hours in a bus each way. If you’ve been and you have an opinion, please share it. The photos of Luxembourg on line are amazing.

    Looking Back

    I rarely do this, but I booked a moderately expensive upscale hotel in Pornic (my last trip). I originally had a beautiful Airbnb on a canal, however, the owner cancelled six weeks prior — one of the risks of booking an Airbnb. I booked this particular hotel because I had a drink at the bar last year and I liked what saw. It had a hammam, a really nice gym, and rooms with balconies looking out over the canal and Pornic. I’m going to say it was about $75 per night than I usually spend. I slept really well between the quiet, the excellent pillows, the luxury cotton sheets and the knowledge that I had blown my budget on a fancy hotel — I just had to get my monies worth. Just gotta say, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

    As always, please forgive grammatical and typing errors, proofreading is tedious.

  • The Upside of Being Single

    To be clear, none of these dudes are my exes; nor do I personally know any of them. They are merely alone in the photograph, so I used these stock pics here. I also think they are all quite handsome.

    “Just because I’m single, It doesn’t mean I’m alone. I have food and internet.”

    — anonymous

    I would add books and a pet.

    I’m not intentionally trying to seem smug and superior about my single status. There is a stigma attached to being single and I’m merely attempting to show it can be a desirable choice.

    Why This Topic

    There is a lot to be said for being in a loving relationship. For the purpose of this blog, I will not be stating the many known positives. Instead, I will focus on the positives of the single life. Why go there you ask? The answer is simple: I need for all of my partnered friends and family members to know why I have chosen to be single and further, why I want them to leave me be — I’m being nice.

    Always the question, “Why aren’t you with anyone?”

    A Bit of History

    I was born single. I stayed that way for years. I was introduced to a beautiful woman who was pure and good and I loved her. We married and divorced. Divorced because I finally admitted to myself and others that I was gay. I was gay and broken and my relationships with men went sideways at every turn.

    After years of trying to make it work with men, it dawned on me that I had to fix what was broken. That is where I am today. I am working on loving the one person who will be with me until I die; me myself and I. It’s not a sad story. In fact, it is a happy story, because some never figure out that there is a path to figuring it out. Some suffer in silence until they suffer no more . . . until they cease to exist.

    “I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke

    Never Lonely

    I travel alone, eat alone, go to the movies and theater alone, walk alone, play games alone, but I am never lonely. In order to be lonely, you’d have to either dislike yourself or not have enough interests — neither applies to me.

    I can amuse myself with so many different things, if anything, I wish I had more alone time.

    The Best Part of Single Life

    I finally get to do a list — lists make me happy.

    • Freedom
    • My own big bed (I can sleep in the middle)
    • No arguments with angry partners
    • No second guessing whether there is love, or if the love is real, or if the love will last
    • I can have a second piece of cake without being chided for it
    • Lots of quiet time
    • An introvert (me) gets to be an introvert
    • You get to be selfish without the guilt
    • Spontaneous decisions
    • More time for me, me, me
    • I never have to sit in the middle seat on an airplane to please my partner
    • People invite you for dinner at their home more often, because feeding one is easier than feeding two. Mere speculation.
    • More closet space
    • I always get to pick where I travel and when I travel

    If you have a life partner, disregard the aforementioned.

    The Art of Living Life Without Expectations

    The absence of expectations would be a false narrative; there will always be expectations. In this case the expectations are of me and from me, not from another. Yes, others have expectations of me, but in this case I am referring to expectations related to the making or spending of money, achievements, how I spend time, when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed.

    “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

    A Quick Story

    My mother could not stand to be alone. She ended one relationship and started another on the very same day. Seeing herself objectively was not possible and highly improbable. She met a man (not my father), who, like her, could not be alone. They lived in misery tethered to one another for over forty years. The two died only months apart. They might well have loved one another, but it was not a healthy, happy love, theirs was a desperate, codependent love. I learned a great deal bearing witness to their lives; I learned that being alone could be joyous and joyful and that I never wanted to be tethered to anyone. This doesn’t mean I’m ruling out a life partnership.

    Upcoming Travel

    Next week, a return Nantes and Pornic, France, then Belgium a few weeks later; on to Marseilles in June, then Oban, Scotland in July, and finally starting in October, a long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia. South Africa for the first time in late January 2024.

    Being single allows me to plan and execute without having to check with anyone save my dog sitter.

    Disclaimer

    Sometimes I purposefully choose to revisit a topic without looking at what I’ve written in the past. Circumstances change, I change, the world changes.

    Check this out:

    If you live in or plan to visit the Algarve:

    Flying Solo Meet Up (Click for link)

    Please excuse any and all spelling and grammatical errors.

  • Five Years In

    My Politically Motivated Move to Portugal

    Views from my terrace or spots not far from home

    I have no doubt some of the other immigrants in my circle of friends and acquaintances, will read this blog and disagree with some of my thoughts and observations. Please keep in mind that this is my experience, not yours.

    The Best of Relocation

    The weather — I could not have asked for better weather than what I have experienced in the Algarve. We have four seasons, but they are mild compared to what I experienced in the States. Fall is cool, with some (not a lot) of rain and a bit of humidity; winter is a bit colder, however, never below 45◦ (F) after sunset and often above 60 degrees during the day — some rain, but never enough for me; spring is glorious, with an abundance of sunshine, a cool breeze and great sleeping weather; and lastly, summer is dry and hot, with temperatures often above 90◦. I don’t like July and early August; extreme temperatures make me uncomfortable. I also miss thunderstorms, we have very few of those here.

    The Southern Portugal way of life — there are certain things that Europeans do that make a lot of sense. The pace of living is slower and less motivated by packing as much into a 24 hour period as possible. Life is more leisurely and less stressful. Lunch is the biggest meal of the day and more time is spent eating it. The abundance of sunshine sends people outdoors. The Portuguese are pleasant, but private. Children are free to play in yards and parks; their laughter fills the air (I live a block away from a large nursery school).

    Food — the freshness of most foods is one of the first things about Portugal I noticed and embraced. Portuguese people practiced the “buy local” concept long before it became trendy in the States. The seafood is amazing, and although there is some farm raised fish, most of it is done in natural waters and well regulated for sustainability.

    Healthcare — Aging is not pretty, therefore, I’ve needed several specialists over the last five years. I have not been disappointed. My visa comes with a private healthcare mandate and I happily comply. I’m paying 1400 euros a year — a co-pay of 35 euros for a visit to a specialist, whom I can usually see anywhere from the same day to two weeks. I’m impressed that surgery has not been the go-to answer to any issue. If I did end up needing surgery, the out-of-pocket expense would be reasonable. Actually, I did need some skin cancer surgery which cost me 80 euros. Medicines are inexpensive and most are over-the-counter. The only pill I currently have to take is a prostate pill and it’s over-the-counter for 4 euros and change a month.

    Dental care is also excellent. I needed an implant a couple of years ago; all-in 1100 euros. I had an implant done in the U.S. for $4,000.

    Open Space — Simply put, most of southern Portugal is spread out and well planned. There is a bit of traffic during the summer months, but it is light in comparison with most of the U.S.

    English Speakers — Although I am struggling to learn Portuguese (it gets better everyday), I am grateful that so many people here speak English. I was at an auto body shop on Thursday and I typed my question into Google translator, showed it to the receptionist who then replied, “Would you like to speak in English?” We both laughed.

    I love my gym and for 250 euros a year I can visit the gym up to six days a week from 6:30 a.m. to whenever they close — I have no idea when they close because I always go early.

    The Challenges

    Smoking and Men’s Cologne — These two things make me crazy. There are way too many smokers here, often making outdoor dining unpleasant. Young men bathed in cheap cologne is a sad realty I will never understand. I want to yell and scream, but I learned that my opinion is not the popular opinion and so I suffer in silence. My friends who spoke would never light-up during a meal.

    The Roundabouts — I have two minds about roundabouts. I know that they make driving easier; however, many people have no idea how to drive in them, making them dangerous and scary. I have some thoughts on who the worst drivers are in Portugal, but I’m going to keep this bit to myself.

    Taxes — I received a take break for my first ten years in Portugal; an incentive by the Portuguese government for relocation. This being a social democracy with a very different tax structure, I do not know what my tax liability will be after 10 years. I know that I will not be taxed on the taxes I have already paid; however, some taxes are higher and I will be taxed on income the U.S. will not tax me on. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. To be honest, I’m happy to contribute to a system that takes care of its own citizens. I do not see people living on the streets in Faro and there are very few beggars.

    Little Humidity Most of the Year — I’ve been forcing myself to drink water my entire life. Summers here are hot and dry and unfortunately, I have allowed myself to become dehydrated several times. This will become more dangerous as I get older. I’m going to have to start setting a calendar reminder in order to hydrate. I’d rather be where humidity is low.

    What I Might Have Done Differently

    Rent first — I love my apartment, but only after a bit of anxiety and trial by fire. It would have been smarter for me to rent for a year and view many different properties. I recommend that you review your buildings financials prior to purchasing.

    Language — I started a Portuguese language course as soon as I knew that I was moving overseas, but I knew very little Portuguese when I moved here. Take a language course just as soon as you know you are moving to a non-English speaking country. Memrise is inexpensive and easy to follow.

    Transportation — I went without a car for five years in order to do my part in saving the planet. After experiencing numerous train strikes and unreliable bus schedules, I purchased a car. Life is easier with a car, even when you live in the center of a city. Travel outside of your city requires you to have a vehicle.

    Dollars to euros — if you don’t mind checking the value of the dollar frequently, there are times you can get a decent exchange rate. I haven’t been very good at making transfers when the dollar was stronger than it is right now (it’s still better than when I purchased my condo six years ago). Last year there were a couple of days when the dollar was actually stronger than the euro.

    What’s Next

    • I will continue to travel for as long as I can. Travel has been one of the best things about retirement. I am much closer to many of my favorite places and there are several competing budget airlines that help make it affordable.
    • I am struggling not to overplan and to allow life to be more organic. An almost impossible goal for me.
    • Trying not to pay too much attention to U.S. news. I’m finding the media’s portrayal of life in the States to be difficult to take in at times. I think I might have a healthier state of mind if I detach a bit more.
    • I am developing a “go with how you feel, when you feel it” attitude. If I’m itching for some travel, I book a trip. I believe that if I’m suddenly motivated to move to another country, I will just do it. Once you’ve done it successfully, you know in your heart that you can do it again.
    • Spending more time at home with Paco has been my best plan of action over the past few years. There is a 10 acre park across the street from my apartment that was just recently beautifully renovated. I’m enjoying spending time there with Paco and I know he’s enjoying it as well.
    • The friends I have made here make living in Portugal one of the greatest experiences of my life.

    This overview is not all inclusive. There are the feelings of others to be saved, challenges I have not met, and issues that are more my problem than anyone else’s.

    Future Travel

    I’m spending a few days in Ayamonte, Spain this week. It’s only an hour from Faro by car and has a lot to offer. After that a return Nantes and Pornic, France, then Belgium; on to Marseilles, then Oban, Scotland, and finally a 2023 long awaited trip to Dubai and Asia.

    Will I stay put in Faro or will I relocate once again?

    I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE . . . for now.

    Here I am celebrating my birthday in Liverpool last week. This is a Swedish drag queen who was on season one of RuPaul’s Swedish Drag Race. I’d share her name if I knew it. I could go to a drag show in Liverpool at 2:00 p.m.; if I wanted to go to a drag show in Faro, I’d have to be awake at 1:00 a.m. and that’s not happening.

    Once again, please forgive spelling and grammatical errors.

  • Wondrous Women

    A Gay Man’s Thoughts

    "A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture and transform." -- anonymous

    Forgive me as I make some assumptions. Everything I profess to know about women, I learned from either observing them or experiencing them. A mother, five sisters, aunts, female cousins, female teachers, female friends, a wife, and many female interactions.

    I love women. I love women so much, I married one. Women have always been my closest friends, my confidants, my greatest cheerleaders. I need and admire women. But I am happy to be a gay man and here’s one of the reasons why:

    It’s difficult for straight men to be friends with straight women for obvious reasons (see articles below). Don’t make me say it because I’ll get arguments from way too many people . . . of both sexes. If I don’t say it, I can deny it. I can be close friends with straight women and lesbian women. Many barriers to intimacy do not exist in our relationships. For this I am grateful. In many ways, I feel as if I get the best of everything as a gay man. Not my only perk by the way.

    Female Strength

    They say that women can handle a great deal more physical pain than men and I believe it. As I examine the women in my life, I notice a fearlessness as they move about. There are times it seems as if women can do anything, be it of the physical or mental nature. Of course there are exceptions, there are always exceptions.

    The other strength I am referring to is emotional strength; the ability to deal with a multitude of emotions simultaneously — you know, the weight of the world sort of thing. Women often have so many obligations, they cannot just walk away from a crisis or a problem.

    Female Tenderness

    When a woman touches you to help you feel better about something, their concern for you translates from the heart to the hands. There fingers have a soft touch that almost transmits something medicinal and healing. That’s why if I’m in hospital, I want a female nurse.

    Then there is the voice. A woman’s voice when soft, is soothing and reassuring. It must have something to do with millenniums of mothering. There is a reason we call her “Mother Nature.”

    The Scent of A Woman

    I think it might have been a film title, but I like it, so I’m using it. When women smell good, it can be intoxicating. I’m talking about a subtle, delicate floral scent. When done well, it almost seems as if the scent is following them around; almost worshiping the woman and wanting to surround her. I love men, but this is something a man, gay or straight, cannot pull off.

    Beauty

    I was recently looking away from friends at a festival. Someone at the table called my name, but I was distracted. One of my friends said, “He must see a hot guy.” The truth is, it was a beautiful woman who had captured my gaze. When a woman has it right: the hair, the clothes, the walk, the look; she will stop traffic — men don’t stop traffic. Beauty is feminine and to be admired.

    Sondheim’s (a gay composer) Pretty Women lyrics (partial):

    ‘Tis your delight sir catching fire
    From one man to the next!

    ‘Tis true sir love can still inspire
    The blood to pound the heartly pyre!
    What more?

    What more?

    Can man require

    Than love sir!

    More than love sir!

    What sir?

    Women!

    Ah yes women . . .

    Pretty women . . .

    Love

    I’ve been loved by women all of my life and I’m certain that the love I have been lucky enough to have received, accounts for much of my happiness. I’m not speaking of the love that takes place between the sheets, although I have experienced that love as well. I speak of deep, empathetic, compassionate, sweet and tender love, that engulfs you and makes you feel as if you are the only creature that matters. This love is glorious. This love is intimate. I understand why so many of us desire this kind of love and spend a lifetime seeking it.

    “Knowing how to touch her without touching her, really touches her.” — anonymous

    All of you!

    In Conclusion

    I couldn’t cover all of my thoughts and feelings about women in one blog. There have been five women who have made a significant impact on my life: two were teachers during my impressionable years, one was a friend who has burned one too many bridges (yes women can destroy relationships too), one is still a friend and continues to teach and inspire me, and lastly Ruth Gruber, whom I knew when I lived in New York City. Ruth helped Holocaust survivors leave Italy. She left an impression on me that will last a lifetime. Most of the women who have had an impact on my life will remain nameless for fear of leaving anyone out.

    I’ve heard puzzled and sadly confused straight men say this about gay men, “Women are so incredibly sexy and beautiful, why would you ever choose to be with a man?” What these men do not understand, is that it isn’t a choice.

    A gay friend said to me a number of years ago: “You know what your problem is Chris, you spend too much time with lesbians.” What the fuck? Don’t listen to nonsense and be yourself.

    I love women, gay, straight, or otherwise and fortunately for me, they love me too.

    Some Resources I Found Post Writing (Click on Title for article)

    Why Do Gay Men and Straight Women Make Such Great Friends

    Women Warm Up Faster to Gay Men Than Straight Guys

    Women’s trust in gay men: An experimental study

    Typos and grammatical errors will occur now and then; my proofreader is gone forever (ha). Please let me know if you see anything obvious.

  • What If?

    What if we could truly believe in ourselves?

    Spring Equals Renewal and Change

    Our mind is a glorious thing; tricky, complicated, and untapped. We are born thinking that everything and anything is possible, but as we grow older, the world and people around us teach us to limit our hopes and dreams to the just barely attainable. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to one another? Why do parents tell their children that their dreams are unrealistic and/or silly? Is it jealousy? Resentment? If I can’t have it you can’t have it? Can we who are highly motivated overcome it?

    Human beings are extremely complex creatures, making answering these questions near impossible. However, that’s not a bad thing; mystery, questioning, wondering — it’s all good. And the short answer to the last question, is a resounding yes.

    The desires for oneself that I’m talking about here can be dreams, but they might also be what you are expecting to accomplish in your life; normal everyday expectations or big longterm plans.

    To dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to bear with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go, to right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar, to try when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable star. This is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far. To fight for the right, without question or pause, to be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause. And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest that my heart will be peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest.
    Joe Darion

    Stretching Your Imagination

    I’ve been working on this for a long time. I don’t have all the answers, but I thought it might be helpful to share some of the tools from my toolbox with you; oversimplified psychobabble, but an effective metaphor.

    • Write down what you hope to accomplish. When you put it on paper, you’re one step closer to reality.
    • Picture what you hope for in your mind. Repeat, rinse, repeat.
    • Tell people about your wishes. Be careful not to be pretentious or lofty.
    • Be inspired by what others have to say about goals and objectives.
    • Set goals and objections with no limitations. Add specific details for “how” and “when” later.
    • If you are a parent, tell your children that they can achieve anything they work hard to achieve.
    • Climb to the highest peak you can find (be alone or with someone who won’t mind your behavior). When you’ve reached the top scream what you want out loud several times. Listen to your own words and follow your heart.
    • Ignore the noise all around you — the “I wouldn’t do that if I were you nonsense.”
    • Staying power is everything, don’t let go no matter the obstacles.
    • Celebrate every hurdle.
    • Success in achieving your goals is a healthy elixir. Let it become a welcome habit.

    I refuse to use the word manifest. We sometimes latch onto a word or phrase and allow it to become cliché.

    I am aware that nothing that I share is new or something you haven’t heard before; however, I am also aware that a reminder is never a bad thing. Also, sometimes the same thing said differently, sticks.

    Upcoming Travel

    I will be returning to Manchester & Liverpool, England April 5. Following that, a brief return to Nantes and Pornic, France. Then Marseilles in June, and Glasgow/Oban, Scotland in July. Dubai and four countries in Asia this October/November. Land and sea tour of South Africa, February 2024.

    People sometimes ask me why I visit the places I travel to:

    1. I have never been and have always wanted to go.
    2. I have been and I enjoyed it so much I want to return. It’s usually the food that draws me in.
    3. I am visiting a friend or family member(s).

    I Had a Dream Last Night

    Last night I had a dream that Paco (my pooch) and I went on vacation. The place we visited was dog friendly and they were in every household; most ran loose in the streets. There were many dogs who looked just like Paco. Briefly after arriving wherever it was that I was visiting, Paco somehow got loose and wandered off. Another dog that looked like Paco ended up at my door. I was extremely upset, but people kept telling me that I shouldn’t be upset because I had a small blond dog and that’s all that mattered. I wouldn’t and couldn’t let it go. I walked the streets shouting his name (Ruffino in my dream). I spotted a large pack of dogs running in another direction; Paco’s red harness stood out. I called out: “Ruffino come to daddy (I think his name was Ruffino because I’d been longing for good pizza all week).” He stopped and looked at me and then kept going. I managed to nab him. It was a bittersweet ending, I’m afraid. I woke up feeling that I was keeping Paco locked up in our home, when what he really wants is to be free with other dogs. That guilt only lasted a few minutes. Oh how the mind works.

    Thank you for reading my ramblings.

    Let’s Get Started!

    I took this photo on a hike in Colorado recently. There were too many people around for me to scream out my hopes and dreams for the future; I did the next best thing, I screamed it in my head and you know what, it worked just as well. Limitations are made-up roadblocks we tear down or ignore.

    Post Publishing:

    A wise friend wrote to me about fear after I published my blog yesterday. Fear is probably the number one reason that people abandon their goals/dreams. I write about fear in an earlier blog. I also omitted money as a consideration. I’ve had some time to think about both of these obstacles and I like where I have rested on this. Anyone who knows me can tell you that fear is not usually a concern for me. Right or wrong, I often charge into situations without much consideration for whether or not I will fail or be hurt in the process of pursuit. As for the other, I was born in poverty. My family didn’t have much money and we didn’t talk about money as an obstacle to fulfilling life goals. I guess in retrospect that is a testament to both my parents. They instilled the, “If you want it, you should go for it attitude.” I still feel that way. Why not try and see what happens.

    Positive intentions and thoughts equals positive outcomes; yes please.

  • Quiet Chaos

    How To Navigate This Crazy World We Live In

    Chaos defined: noun. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe (dictionary.com).

    How many people do you know who are taking anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication(s)? Smoking pot to chill or cope? Drinking alcohol to soothe the pain? Sleeping to escape? Running from pain? Personally, most of the people I know do one or more of the above in order to deal with the complexities of the world we live in. For some, it is a life saver and for others, it’s killing them.

    The flip side: how many people do you know that thrive on chaos? They gravitate toward it, create it, or wait for it to happen. I know one or two of these people and I think they know who they are.

    Conflict and Chaos are not to be confused — conflict is a disagreement or argument. A state of chaos might be present if there are several arguments taking place simultaneously or if the conflict is random. I like a bit of conflict when it might get you to agreement or some resolution; chaos on the other hand makes me want to flee. I once lived in the center of chaos and not by choice. I now do whatever I can to avoid it.

    How Bad Is It These Days?

    We always believe things are currently worse than they were before; that’s a common misbelief. I’ve written on the “state of the world” topic before, therefore, I will leave it at this: no doubt the world is a difficult place to inhabit these days, but I would argue that it’s safer and better than it’s ever been, in most places; technology and greater wealth have made it so.

    Why Are We Judged So Harshly?

    Social media is not necessarily a bad thing; keeping up with friends from all over the world is one of the features I fully embrace. But in my mind, the dark side of social media is having aspects of your life displayed before strangers. With that comes jealousy, judgment, and criticism — everyone has an opinion. Unfortunately, those opinions are related to little snippets of your life; mostly aspects of your life people know nothing about.

    In addition, it suddenly seems as if it’s okay to pass judgment on others. Whether it’s about a woman’s right to choose, a drag queen reading to children, the right to bear arms with or without a criminal record, how old the president might be while serving; everybody has an opinion and no one seems shy about voicing that opinion publicly.

    How I Know I am Impacted By Chaos

    Perhaps growing up in a totally chaotic environment with many sisters and brothers, has shown me that peace and quiet and an absence of chaos is where I prefer to be. My mother was one of those people who thrived on chaos. Living alone with my pet (Paco) provides me the peace I require. I know that it’s unrealistic to think that I can remain inside 24/7, never interacting with another individual or group. I often force myself to socialize and be a part of group interaction. When one of these groups gets rowdy, I run away. An Irish goodbye might even be necessary (leaving without telling anyone — I’ve heard it called a French goodbye as well).

    I grew up in Coney Island; full of tourists and the fringes of society. When we went to the beaches, there was no space between blankets; people seemed to like it that way. No judgment at all, just a bit chaotic. As a child I shied away from crowds.

    My body reacts to chaos in several ways: I become anxious. I sweat. My stomach hurts. I get a headache. Usually at least one of these symptoms is present; sometimes all.

    Not everyone responds to chaos the same way, unfortunately, I become prone to accidents due to being wildly distracted and anxious.

    Coping Mechanisms

    Turn it off — We don’t always choose to be right smack in the center of insane chaos, but sometimes it just sort of happens. The easiest thing to do is to step away from it. We often have that choice and do not not exercise it.

    Steer clear of chaos — easier said than done perhaps. When I lived in New York City, I noticed that there were three or four streets in Times Square that were always congested and chaotic; people who had no idea where they were going, tourists milling about, individuals trying to get tickets for this or that performance, people who love being in the middle of soup. I avoided those streets and now I couldn’t imagine being anywhere near Times Square.

    Turn it into something positive — the best way to learn from a situation is to take a step back and evaluate what just occurred. Ask yourself the following questions: Did I have anything to do with the chaos I just experienced? Could it have been avoided? What steps can I take to prevent it from happening again? For example: flying on the day before a major holiday? Perhaps you might choose to fly a week before the holiday or on the actual holiday? We all know airports are chaotic the day before or a couple of days before a major holiday.

    Chaotic dreams — I’ve noticed that sometimes I awake from a dream and I recall chaos in the dream I just had. I think it may be a way my psyche is coping with the chaos in my life — a way of sorting it out in my sleep, rather than working through it in reality. I’ve noticed this more at times in my life when I am dealing with several major issues all at the same time: family, financial, plans gone awry, etc.

    Making My Bed Every Morning — It’s been proven that having order in your home, leads to greater order in your life. Make your bed and pick up after yourself.

    A tip: One of the best tips I learned from one of Queen Elizabeth’s butlers, is to wait at least 30 minutes after getting out of bed to make the bed. We sweat at night. The moisture needs to dry before you make the bed. Trust me on this one.

    “Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”
    ― Chuck Palahniuk

    Upcoming Travel

    In a few weeks I will be returning to Liverpool, England. Not for a Beatles tour, but to see a good friend, enjoy a diverse and cultured city, and eat ethnic (street) food. After that a brief return to Nantes and Pornic, France, Marseilles in June, and Oban, Scotland in July. I’m getting closer to my Grand tour of Dubai and four countries in Asia this October/November. It doesn’t seem to be the case, however, this year there is more time between trips and most of my journeys are shorter.

    I recently booked a South Africa cruise on NCL. My college roommate and his wife will be joining me. South Africa has been on my bucket list for a long time.

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    My friend David (I wrote about him a few blogs ago), pastel drew Hanging Lake where we hiked in Colorado and sent this to me so that I would never forget.

    The piece is lighter and more colorful than this. I took a quick photo prior to sending it off to be framed. I chose a light orange frame to pick up the gold and green tones. I’m excited to hang and admire it.

  • What Strength Looks Like

    Strength of character is what I will be be discussing in this piece. Inner strength; strength that comes from resolve, survival, wisdom and experience. We are all warriors; your authentic self is where your strength thrives.

    “True strength is the courage to admit our weaknesses.”

    — Simon Sinek

    Weaknesses

    For a change, this is not about me. Not that I’m unwilling to admit my weaknesses; I have many and I often reminded of them; sometimes by friends and family. Weaknesses are difficult to come to terms with if you are hard driving and highly motivated.

    I am referring to weaknesses such as embellishing the truth, self-esteem struggles, needing others to validate you, lacking empathy, shying away from reality, surrendering control, allowing people to push you around, and a few more I cannot think of right now.

    Apologizing for everything is seen as a weakness. As human beings we all make mistakes. Most of us are forgiving and willing to overlook unintentional blunders. When you constantly apologize, people see you as fragile and weak. Forgive yourself and move on. Not so easy sometimes.

    Strengths

    Strengths may be easier to identify than weaknesses. What makes you proud and prideful? What fills you with self-esteem and a feeling of self-worth? What do others admire about you? What do you admire in and about others? Do you stand up for yourself and what you believe in?

    Ask yourself these questions, be honest with your answers, and then make notes about what you’re pleased about or changes you’d like to make. You’re in control of a great deal more than you may believe.

    What is Appropriate

    Being authentic comes at a cost. Unfortunately, strength of character can be intimidating. You have to keep in mind that there are haters and jealous individuals everywhere. These people do not want you to succeed because they know they do not have the wherewithal to succeed themselves. They will work hard to bring you down or stop you from being fully empowered or realizing your full potential. These individuals are insecure and often in a great deal of emotional pain. Unfortunately, there is little you can do to help them, they have to want to help themselves. Do you know people who fit this description?

    Weak and insecure individuals know that once you find your power, they will no longer be relevant. As difficult as it may be at times, the best way to disarm these individuals is to disengage. My resolve was tested this week and I am pleased to report that I walked away — practice, practice, practice. The lift you receive from taking the high road is incredibly rewarding.

    Standing Up for Yourself

    As difficult as standing up for yourself might be, it’s the only way you will achieve empowerment. Empowering yourself to live life with determination, reflection, action, and authenticity. Never allowing someone else to make you do something you do not want to do or be someone you do not want to be. This is one of the key principles in personal fulfillment.

    I have watched so many people allow others to control them. It’s a difficult thing to witness because there is very little you can do about it. This kind of growth has to come from the desire for freedom and pride.

    I not only have the right to stand up for myself, but I have the responsibility. I can’t ask somebody else to stand up for me if I won’t stand up for myself. And once you stand up for yourself, you’d be surprised that people say ‘Can I be of help? — Maya Angelou

    Future Travel

    Fort Lauderdale (Deerfield Beach) in three weeks, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles, France — Nantes and Pornic are happening on the same trip, over a four day period. Other holidays planned later in the year. Biggest trip of the year will be Dubai, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong — end of October to mid-November. This is an adventure of a lifetime that has been postponed three times due to COVID. The extra time has given me the opportunity to truly consider how I want to spend my time in Asia. I do not like long flights; therefore, Asia will not be a frequent destination.

    Status Of My Hybrid

    Although I’m enjoying my tiny Fiat 500C, a hybrid will not save you as much on gas as you might have thought. I think I might be getting about 10 additional miles per gallon — if that. I guess it has more to do with the psychological benefit; I am after all, helping to save the planet (tongue in cheek).

    I am learning to laugh at myself. When you take yourself less seriously, others around you will ease up on you and consequently, themselves.

    Never be afraid to stand with the minority when the minority is right, for the minority which is right will one day be the majority. — William Jennings Bryan

  • Empathy

    Coping With and Managing Empathy

    What We’re all Dealing With

    Everyone tends to believe that circumstances are worse now than they’ve ever been. The truth is that this is just not the case. The Holocaust was a great deal worse; WWI or WWII were terrible times, Hiroshima, plagues in history when millions perished — yes there were worse times. Some of us tend to forget the suffering, horrors, and chaos humankind has endured in the past. Some, understandably, will never forget.

    Still, the current status of the world is challenging: climate change, mass shootings, pandemics, cancer, war, the economy, the list goes on and on. But human beings are survivors; we are built to come up with solutions and cope with whatever lands in our laps. Positive thinking and a good attitude goes a long way — I’m not saying it’s easy.

    Internalizing the Pain Others Are Feeling

    No doubt empathy is a double edged sword. Without empathy we are without care or feeling, while with it, we carry the burden of pain. Still, it should not be forgotten that it is usually a lot worse for those experiencing pain or loss first hand. Being supportive of the person(s) in pain by being by their side or letting them know you are there for them, is more productive and healing for all parties. Letting others know how sorry you are by displaying your emotions publicly is usually not helpful.

    When my brother passed, my mother could not support the woman who walked out on him. Even if her grief was real and justified, my mother had lost her son and it was my mother I needed to support. Sometimes we forget that empathy means prioritizing your emotional and physical support.

    You can also be empathetic toward someone you are not terribly fond of; this is called being compassionate and a good human.

    The Lack of Empathy Around Us

    The term “thoughts and prayers” has been troubling me lately. To tell grieving parents that your thoughts and prayers are with them is hypocritical in some situations and most can see right through hypocrites. How could someone who supports the purchasing of firearms without a background check, be empathetic? There are so many clear examples of the use of religion or laws to justify a lack of empathy for others.

    This idea of showing strength and keeping your emotions hidden, is nonsense. Being strong when others need you is essential; however, being stoic and without emotion makes those around you skeptical of your ability to understand their pain. As with all things balance is key.

    Unfortunately, some people lack the ability to feel empathy; these individuals are broken and in need of therapy or some other means of awakening their emotions.

    Coping Mechanisms

    • I hate to suggest this, but I firmly believe that sometimes the only way to deal with something is to turn it off (not deal with it).
    • Thinking about the worst case scenario. Not always, but sometimes, reality is less harsh.
    • Be good to yourself — do something nice for yourself.
    • Extend your sympathy to the person who is most affected.
    • Guilt is a horrible thing to feel and it is usually unwarranted. Survivor remorse or guilt is a very real feeling and for some, it is just as hard to deal with as if the tragedy happened directly to them. One way to deal with guilt is to talk it out with a friend. An objective point of view can be helpful. Knowing that the passing of time often makes things a bit easier, is useful knowledge to be aware of.
    • Find peace in knowing that empathy is so much more positive than a lack thereof.
    • Putting your thoughts and feelings in writing.

    Do you have ways of coping with empathy on steroids? Please share.

    How do you tell someone that they lack empathy? The $10,000 question.

    Future Travel

    This three month break from travel has been exactly what I needed. Too much of a good thing and all that jazz. No need for further explanation.

    South Florida in four weeks, then Nantes and Pornic, France, Liverpool, England, and Marseilles, France (first time). Other trips planned for later in the year. More next blog. I’m learning to spread my trips apart and appreciate them more.

    State-of-Mind

    Many things help us to cope as we navigate the day-to-day. I find two things very useful. The first is gratitude; thanking the universe for the many things we have to be grateful for: good health, friends, family, travel, having means, the weather, etc. The second thing that helps me prepare for the day and keeps me physically and mentally healthy, is exercise. For me it’s a trip to the gym five or six days a week. I’ve been participating in this daily routine for over 40 years; although it is not a cure-all, it sure does check a lot of good health boxes. Just be grateful that you have a heart and the ability to feel.

    How to Be More Empathetic, NY Times, “A Year of Better Living,” Claire Cain Miller.

    A question, I thought I should address, came up this week: How do you choose your topics? I do not spend a lot of time thinking about what to write. I usually open up my laptop when it’s quiet and I have no plans. I look at a blank blog page, click “write” and I begin to type. My guess is that the topic has been swirling around my brain the night or day before I write, but I’m not fully conscious of it.

    Occasionally, a topic will come up at a table of friends during a meal.

    I mostly write to sort things out in my head. I’ve learned that a combination or journaling and blogging clears my mind so that I can enjoy the moments that matter.

    “Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.”

    — Isaac Asimov

  • Tools For Survival In the Modern World

    Situations I’ve Discovered Require Tools

    • Navigating difficult people
    • Stress from work
    • Aging
    • Coping with medical issues
    • Sorting through stuff in order to determine what matters most
    • Discovering how to talk to people (all people)
    • Managing dark and dangerous thoughts
    • The unexpected, the reimagined, and the unintended

    Tools For Living

    The best tool is a good friend; a friend whom you can trust and call upon. This friend will not judge or question your loyalty. A friend can get you through some pretty rough stuff. Be sure to nurture good friendships, they’re hard to come by.

    Food & beverage of your choice, are another great tool. It doesn’t have to be a gorging session or drinking your way into a drunken stupor. I’m talking a nice meal with someone you care about, a dinner party, a destination meal, fresh veggies from your garden, a nice glass of red or white . . . you get my point. Something to look forward to; something to take your mind off whatever it is that is troubling you. Escaping for the moment isn’t bad as long as you eventually deal with whatever it is you need to deal with. Stepping away helps you put things in perspective.

    Learning how to be a good communicator is a tool that will pay off in spades. I know I have repeated this repeatedly, however, it’s worth repeating again: learn how to be a good listener. It’s an invaluable tool. Listen intently with your entire being. In addition, validate, repeat back key thoughts, share, confide, show interest, be objective, be generous, provide feedback when asked, and lean in. Authenticity is key when communicating; people will see right through you otherwise.

    Developing a thick skin is essential for survival. There was a time when people kept most of their thoughts, feelings of contempt, resentment, rage, etc. to themselves; then along came social media. Now someone thinks a sideways glance to their ex was salacious and suddenly it’s all over Facebook or worse, Tik Tok. You need to be able to let it roll off your back and ignore it. Not easy, but if you spend the time to cultivate this practice, you will be a whole lot better off.

    The ability to walk away when you are exposed to toxicity. A healthy self-esteem comes from looking out for your own well-being. Part of survival is having the ability to say “no more” or “I’m done.” It may be difficult while you’re in the thick of it, but you’ll be glad you did it when you discover how much better off you are or how much better you feel.

    Laughter is a tool I often forget to use. Humor and the ability to lighten things up is part of living a happy and healthy life. I (we) take life far too seriously. Do not apologize for injecting levity into a situation or conversation. I told a joke at lunch with about 15 people last week. I noticed many were laughing, but two or three people had a very serious look on their faces. I immediately thought, oh no, I should apologize. The thing is, if they’re uncomfortable with your sense of humor, it’s more than likely a reflection of them and their biases than you. Don’t apologize, if they can’t handle your humor they can either tune you out or confront you; most people will never have the nerve to do the latter and that’s not your problem. I’m still learning this lesson.

    Being authentic and true to yourself is less a tool and more a way of being. It’s necessary for success with relationships and real happiness. I truly admire people who are comfortable in their own skin.

    Talking about reaching into your toolbox has become cliché. That’s unfortunate, because in fact, if you have worked hard to come up with healthy and useful ways of dealing with difficulties in your life, you should be able to call upon these “tools” without feeling that your methods are being discounted by others. If this works for you, by all means use it. “Whatever works” is cliché as well, but truth is truth. At the end of the day you want to feel good about yourself and sleep well; you will awake a stronger, healthier, more optimistic you.

    What makes me equipped to share these thoughts with you? The answer is simple: life experience, hard work, and the desire to pay it forward. I took an elective course at University entitled: Living Skills; the best three credits of my educational career.

    My Inspiration

    I am working on a life coaching project — two individuals coaching one another. It’s early days, but eventually I’ll be writing about it. Our recent conversations inspired this blog. My coaching partner shall remain nameless. Peaked your interest . . . hmmm, you’ll never find out who it is.

    “The only person you should strive to be better than, is the person you were yesterday.”

    — Matty Mullins