Papagni Pages

Tag: life lessons

  • A Note to Today’s Youth

    To those out on their own paths, setting little fires.

    — Celeste Ng

     

     

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    I have to state right up front, I am not bitter nor angry. I like young people — don’t judge, I mean in a healthy way. Lots of 60 year olds are jaded and set in their ways, so conversing with a hopeful, energetic young person can be refreshing. I’m fortunate to have many great-nieces and nephews who are willing to talk; conversation being such a rare occurrence these days. [Note:  One has to be cautious because that the media has painted an ugly portrait of gay men who spend time with boys; I am sadly acutely aware of this perception. I am also aware that the same taboos exist for straight men and girls. In our society, perception is everything.I proceed cautiously.]

    The good thing about how I prepare these blogs is the spacing between thoughts. As I think about this entry, I realize that I know nothing about what is on and in the minds of our young people today; therefore, I am making a lot of assumptions and I hope to be forgiven for it. I’m also aware that much of how we behave is developmental and in reality, some of us develop more quickly. But the nature versus nurture factor has a large baring on how the young mature and therefore, it is the nurture part I will address.

     

    My Observations, Some Speculation and a Lot of Darts in the Air

    Lately, rather than sit in rage and stew about global matters, I have been directing my attention to our youth. I live just feet away from a high school in Faro, Portugal. Some of what I observe on a daily basis is disturbing and confounding. I cannot imagine how any young person today could smoke that first or 100th cigarette. Even if parents and teachers are not educating children about the dangers of smoking, there are an abundance of warnings put out there by media and the government. Still, during their class breaks, I see hundreds of young people outside smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I’m concerned about their health and the economic future of our planet. Smoking is the number one cause of our escalating healthcare throughout the developed world. The role models these kids look up to in Europe, are unfortunately,  not very heathy; the amount of adult smoking is astounding. To those young adults smart enough not to smoke, I say, good for you for taking care of yourself.

    I’m starting with the negatives, however, there will later, be a good deal of positive observations to share.

    • I have to be careful not to make sweeping generalizations here:  I know there are young people who are employed; however, I also know that one of the reasons it has become very difficult to fill physical labor and entry level positions, is that young people are not entering the work force until after much later in life. In the past, parents had their children work while in high school and college in order to teach them the value of money, independence, and self-discipline. Parents today are afraid to take the focus away from studying and extra-curricular activities. I believe it’s important to make a little money and learn how to manage one’s time. I strongly recommend that young people have a part-time job as early on as possible.
    • Our youth are obviously frustrated with politics. Considering old white guys have, for the most part, been running the show for a long time, who’s to blame them. Being frustrated is no excuse for inaction. Change will never take place unless our young people start to question our political leaders and en masse, take them to task. I see some of this, however, not nearly enough.
    • Social media came on pretty quickly and I know it’s done more good than damage; however, what I have seen is a change in the way people are communicating. Since I am focusing on the youth, my biggest concern is the amount of time young people are spending locked-up in their bedrooms face timing, texting, and surfing the web. Face-to-face, human-to-human interaction has to be better than cyber communication.
    •  I’m going to blame the parents for problems we are having with young people; there is no one else to blame. From where I’m sitting, it seems to be an issue around respect. Now of course this is not true of all parents, but in general, parents seem to have lost control over their kids. I’m not a parent and I don’t have the answers; however, what I’ve noticed over the last 30 years or so, there is too much freedom given to children. Kids want discipline in their lives; it’s a way of saying I love and care about you.
    • Those who teach young people have a huge role to play in how they behave, their self-esteem, and the life choices they make. It’s not fair to put it all on the teachers. They now have the added fear and responsibility of dealing with guns in schools and I’m not sure any of us can imagine what that must be like. In reality, this too is an opportunity to shape the minds of our young people (example of students rising up and demanding change). It’s easy excuse to complain about student apathy, paperwork and low salaries. Teachers need to remember why they decided to teach and they need to begin to work together more to bring about change. Again, we are at a place where frustration and anger are getting in the way of process. Clearly, those emotions are being projected on to the children. I imagine my words will anger many teachers. I was a college instructor for day years and I know from experience that when you show interest and make connections, it makes a difference. It means more time, energy and dedication, but even if you make a difference in one life, you have done a service to that individual and society.

    “[Kids] don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.”
    ― Jim Henson, It’s Not Easy Being Green: And Other Things to Consider“

    The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.”
    ― William Arthur Ward

     

    What Makes Me Hopeful

    So much is happening all of the world that makes me feel hopeful about our future. Young people protesting gun violence in schools, young people marching against climate change, young people turning out to vote, and young people inspiring adults. It’s not all doom and gloom — I just want to see more of it.

    I was more involved as an activist as a young person. I has energy, ambition and drive; then I became jaded and judgmental. We all go through different stages of our lives; we all look back and have regrets; and we all have opinions. In my opinion, the youth of today is smarter and more mature than we were 30, 40, 50 years ago. Social media has made it easier to spread the word and light a spark, the likes of which we have never witnessed in the past. We are experiencing such polarization and global awareness and I believe our young people have taken notice and are finally coming to terms with their power, obligation and their ability to make change with a sense of urgency and real impact.

     

    A quick Message to Our Youth

    • Take to the streets, Have you seen what is happening in Hong Kong and extradition to mainland China. I am inspired by this uprising and I am certain that this very large group of protestors are making a difference. Venezuelans, Europeans, Argentinians, and citizens throughout the world are coming out in massive numbers to show their opposition and initiate change. Empowerment is powerful.
    • Use social media to make your message clear and you thoughts/feelings known. Spend less time on selfies and superficial matters and more time on social change and shaping the future.
    • Stop smoking and start taking better care of the vessel you have been given to live a meaningful life. Your future will be better for having done the work now.
    • Live in the moment and savor every second you have to enjoy nature, human imperfection and one another. Our capacity for depth and meaning knows no bounds.
    • Guide adult behavior and action. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, and it’s never too late to learn. Adults are often at a loss about how to treat you, what to say to you, and learning more about who you are. Share what is in your heart and on your mind; the revelation will astound them and you will benefit from their response.
    • When you get older you will realize that the gift of youth is energy, passion, fearlessness and the ability to make mistakes — you have some time to correct those mistakes and learn from them. Embrace all of those things while your young and you will be a better person for having done it. You will inspire your peers and set an example for the rest of us; God knows we need inspiration.
    • Be yourself and resist the urge to conform.
    • If you feel different inside, allow that difference to shine through in self-expression. People will embrace you for your authenticity and courage . Those who cannot because their minds are small or their own experience is limited, should not be regarded; focus on yourself. What others think of you is none of your business. Worry more about what you think of yourself. Once you have learned to love yourself, all the other love in the world will come your way — you will be a magnet for positivity and healthy love.
    • Talk to one another face-to-face and share your feelings. We all have insecurities, self-doubt and pain. Sharing it makes it so much easier for coping. You will find that being human means we share similar thoughts and feelings and that are dissimilarities are beautiful.
    • Physical love and affection is another one of our many gifts; however, impulses and hasty decisions often lead to pain and regret. Caution is good and learning to say no is empowering. Be your own person and don’t let others tell you how or should feel or what action you should take. Being your own person means making your own decisions, learning from failure (don’t be afraid to fail), and starting again; sometimes it takes several tries before you get it right — this is how we learn.
    • Don’t be afraid to debate adults; however, diplomacy and empathy go a long way. Human beings are fragile, resilient, and long for acceptance. The amount of time it takes to process varies for each of us; give adults time to absorb your words — your patience and understanding will be greatly rewarded.
    • Embrace your youth with joy and zeal. There is a reason we are given the gift of growth. Be young with enthusiasm and grab life by the balls. The amount of power and strength you have is limitless and setting your sights on achieving all you desire will make the journey fruitful and meaningful. There is a reason adults often wish they could return to their youth. Know that this is your chance to shine and change, for good, the future of the world.
    • Dance as much as you can and continue to do so for the rest of your life.
    • Tell those around you that you love, why you love them and then show them that you love them.
    • Give back to the children who will determine the quality of your future. Paying it forward is gratifying and mutually beneficial. We own nothing; it is only ours to temporarily borrow. It is our responsibility to return it in better shape. The gift of life is the greatest gift we were given. The gifts of nature, the planet, the animal kingdom, time, the universe, food, and love, are all lesser gifts not to be taken for granted or abused.

    I learned a great deal about my own misgivings and perspective writing this blog. In truth, I am enough and so are you.

     

     

     

    A few days in Tavira was restorative (40 easy minutes from home). I did not take a lot of photos, I resisted spending too much time on twitter, and I laid off the keyboard. What I can tell you is that I have discovered a place close to home to clear my mind and cleanse. It beautiful, quaint, excellent food, and a great value.

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    Tavira, Portugal at dusk

     

  • From Troubled Boy to Troubled Man

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    Me when I was two years old (I know, I was adorable). That’s my baby sister Debbie on the right.

    I am not writing this blog so that you will feel sorry for me. In fact, I am only able to write about this chapter of my life as a result of having learned lessons and having done the hard work of self-reflection; by all accounts an on-going process. One big lesson:  do not dwell on who is to blame for your misfortunes. It’s all about looking toward the future. I am happy, looking forward to new adventures, and a hot mess — yes, it’s possible to be all these things at the same time. My hope is that I might help those who feel psychotic, lonely and lost. There is of course the added bonus of empathy from those who know me well or are just getting to know me.

     

    Looking Back

    Do people tell you not to worry? “Oh you’re fine; you’ll be alright” I think I may hate that more than people telling me I’m too sensitive. We all know people say stupid things all the time and I’ve learned that, for the most part, they mean well. Self-reflection may be more productive then listening to the advice of people who do not know you. Reflecting on what I was like as a child has always helped me to appreciate where I am today.

    As I boy witnessing chaos all around me, I was always certain that it was all happening because of something I had done. I’d like to say that I grew out of that way of thinking. I would like to tell you that my mother sat me down and told me that none of it was my fault or that an elementary school teacher gained some insight into my family life and whispered that I was not to blame. I’m afraid that didn’t happen. Deep down I knew that I was a horrible little boy whose sins were the cause of all the terrible things happening around me. Some kids believe this and they cut themselves; some kids start taking drugs when they are nine years old or drink booze till they’re inebriated at eleven. Some kids take their own lives. I retreated to dark places and hid my shame. I bargained with God so that it would stop.

    God, if you make my mom love me, I’ll be good for the rest of my life.  If you’ll just make the noise stop, I’ll clean the whole house tomorrow. God, if you make me stop thinking about men, I’ll go to church. Growing up Catholic was confusing; I found myself wanting to repent.

    The chaos continued and I continued to find reasons to blame myself and hate myself even more than I already did. This self-loathing went on throughout my childhood. I’ve shared an incident in a previous blog that I frequently recall just to remind myself how much better life is today. On my 10th birthday, before blowing out my candles, my wish was to die before my next birthday. I was too afraid to kill myself, but if I wished hard enough, I was certain I would die. I thought about death a lot when I was a child. In my mind, it was the only way out. I firmly believe that children should not be dwelling on death.

    For the longest time I thought it had something to do with my sexuality; or at least that’s what I told my therapist. In retrospect, I think it had more to do with a need that was not being met. As a child, I needed to belong, to be accepted, and to be loved. I’m certain most children feel this way. What was different for me, and I’m sure others, was that since not all of my basic needs were being met, I carried that longing into adulthood and continued to search for belonging, acceptance and love. Often, I looked in the wrong places. There were times when I was so desperate for it, I put myself in a compromising position to have it. What followed was self-loathing and a lot of pain.

    Escape came easy during the day; it was at night that the demons were harder to run away from. Looking back, I guess I had pretty good coping skills. I would always tell myself that if I did well in school, my life would improve and it did, by leaps and bounds. I also took myself out of that very negative environment as early on as I could. Being on my own at 16 years old wasn’t easy, but I was free and able to make my own decisions; good, bad or otherwise.

     

    The Journey

    Getting from point disaster to a better place isn’t easy and there is no formula for making it happen. It’s a combination of exercise (physical and mental), goals (long term and short term), meditation, therapy, gratitude, keeping your eyes on the prize, moderation in all things, forgiveness, listening, letting go, being true to yourself, loving yourself, and looking forward — not an exhaustive list. I’d throw a bit of luck in there too.

    You put all that down on a list and it’s daunting to say the least. I also try to congratulate myself when I complete a goal and I start projects by taking baby step. If you try to do anything too quickly, you will either do a half-assed job or you will fail. Take it slowly, do the best you can and pay no attention to those who tell you it’s not possible.

     

    Looking Forward

    You can’t hear me, but I am sighing. I am constantly sighing. The various meanings are below, however, for me, it has been about relief. I am relieved that I no longer (for the most part) feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I intend to be easier on myself, to accept who I am, to be more forgiving of others, to be more grateful, to spend more time resting, to see more of the world and do it with intention, to care less about the things that do not concern me, and to smile/laugh more.

     

    sigh

    /sʌɪ/

    verb
    gerund or present participle: sighing
    1. emit a long, deep audible breath expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or similar.
      “Harry sank into a chair and sighed with relief”
      synonyms: breathe out, exhale; More

     

    Troubled Boy to Troubled Man to Loving Myself

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    Stepping out on a Friday night. I have to remind myself to look in the mirror and smile; keeping in mind that if you are the best version of yourself you can possibly be, well then, you’re okay. Not quite as adorable as the first photo when I was two years old, but none the worse for the wear.

    Publishing when I finish a thought rather than waiting until Sunday. I hope that’s okay with my readers. Happy Gay Pride everyone; we’ve come a long way and have an even longer way to go.

  • A Taste of Vienna

     

     

     

     

    I’m afraid I may disappoint; not because I didn’t love Vienna, but because I spent three days there doing next to nothing. I love to walk, so I walked a lot. I did some things while I walked and I’ll mention a few. I also ate; I ate well. I’ll tell you about a few of my meals.

     

    A Travel Tale of Woe That Ends Well

    Allow me to start with a travel story while it’s fresh and still has me a bit shaky. Sunday morning I had a 5:30 a.m. flight. Since I had to be at the airport by 4:15 a.m., I didn’t sleep much Saturday night; in fact, I don’t think I slept at all. When it was time to leave my Airbnb, I gathered up all of my belongings and I placed the key in the lock box. It was about 3:45 a.m. when I stepped outside and called an Uber. The car came quickly. Because I hadn’t slept much, it felt more like an out-of-body experience. I had a very talkative driver from Serbia. While he was chatting I reached into my backpack to check for my boarding pass and passport. I have a deep pocket where I usually keep important things. I pulled out the boarding pass and checked for a terminal number and there was none. I reached back in for my passport and it was not there; shit.

    I did what one usually does when they think something is where it’s supposed to be; I checked again, and again, and again. My passport was nowhere to be found in my backpack. My mind started going to dark places:  it’s been stolen, it fell out of my backpack in my Airbnb, the owner of the Airbnb entered the apartment while I was out and took it. I came very close to asking the driver to pull over. I was telling myself to stay clam and tried to consider all of my options. I was inclined to ask the driver to take me back to the apartment, but the keys were in a lockbox behind a locked door — no way I could get back in.  I would have had to call Ben, the owner, and wake him in the middle of the night and ask him to meet me there. I was fully aware that if I did this, I’d miss my flight. On the other hand, I wasn’t going anywhere without my passport. The decision I made was an important one and I hope that I remember to do the same in the future. I decided to breathe. I figured the best thing to do was just stay calm for the rest of the ride and then sort it out at the airport. The driver was unaware of the situation.

    He dropped me off at Terminal 3 and that turned out to be the wrong terminal; the least of my concerns.

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    Vienna International Airport at 4:00 a.m.

     

    We unloaded my carryon and I set it down on the curb. I was going to check every corner of my backpack and my carryon. I unzipped the top zipper of my carryon and to my very pleasant surprise, there was my passport. I must have sat on the curb feeling very satisfied for a good couple of minutes. I had to think hard to recall that I had transferred my passport to my suitcase so that I would not lose it while carrying my backpack around Vienna. I think the incident was a combination of lack of sleep and some “normal” memory loss. I was so relieved that I smiled for the remainder of the day. This was of course, a teachable moment for me:

    1. Always check that you have all of your documents before you leave for the airport.
    2. Keep your wits about you and more often than not, you will find what you’re looking for.
    3. Avoid flights before 6:00 a.m.

     

    Vienna On My Mind

    I have had to step back to consider what I would tell you about Vienna. I have very mixed feelings about this city. The architecture is amazing and the history is rich. But frankly, it was difficult to be there and not think about the atrocities of the Nazi’s and WWII. The grand buildings and the history of resistance and death, filled me with dread. As I walked through the city I felt all sorts of emotions — mostly anger.

    Then I watched the students march to express their anger concerning climate change; this shifted my thoughts to hope. Apparently, the march was happening throughout Europe and has been a regular Friday event. Encouraging thoughts replaced the dread.

     

     

     

    I don’t mean to be overly dramatic. It wasn’t that long ago when horrible things occurred in this part of the world. It became more and more obvious that the Viennese are well aware of their horrific history and that they are remorseful and have, along with other parts of the world, righted their wrongs. Still, we should never forget.

     

    A Few Excellent Meals

    I travel in order to find foods that will delight and satisfy. I’m constantly in search of the meal that will blow me away. Both of these restaurants made me very happy in my quest for creativity and perfection:

     

    Otto e Mezzo

    I have complained about this before, but it is unfortunately true:  there just aren’t that many good Italian restaurants in Faro. Portuguese people love their own dishes and I can’t say I blame them. Since Faro is not much of a tourist town compared with the rest of the Algarve, excellent Italian is scarce. Therefore, when I travel, I look for good Italian food.

    I hit the jackpot with Otto e Mezzo. It’s the real deal. A classically trained chef, simple and elegant aesthetic, outdoor dining, and an uncomplicated and delightful menu. I was so pleased to have done my homework and found this gem. I had a simple garden salad that was perfectly dressed; incredible cherry tomatoes and mixed greens. For my entree, I had a pasta dish that has always been in my top three:  penne arrabbiata (click for recipe). It was so perfect, I sat with it for a long time and savored every bite. The homemade pasta was cooked al dente and the sauce was spicy and memorable (I’ve thought about this pasta a lot since returning home). The meal was accompanied by an Italian house red that was a good value and paired well with the pasta. I believe my server was the chef’s wife and I knew I could trust her right from the start. I was way too full for dessert, but I am certain they would have all been delicious. I thanked the chef on the way out; his obvious appreciation made the meal even more satisfying.

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    Penne Arrabbiata

     

    Yong Street Food Kitchen

    A varied menu of Asian street food that was worth the wait. The chef had gone out for 30 minutes so I had to be patient; not one of my best assets. Bibembap is one of my favorite Korean dishes, therefore, it was a must and it did not disappoint. I also had a couple of delicious pork belly buns, filled with all sorts of savory additions and oozing hoisin sauce. It was one of those menus where I wanted every dish on it and I had to control myself. I spied a lemon soda I haven’t had before (didn’t write down the name); not too sweet and paired well on a warm Viennese afternoon.

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    Bibembap (click for fun video)

     

    Vienna is a progressive city filled with street food, art and 200,000 university students; the largest number in Austria. Wherever there are universities and young people, you will find contemporary design and creative dishes — this aspect of Vienna made me very happy.

    I had some fresh oysters at the Naschmarkt and if I’m going to be honest, it was because of the display. It was a beautiful outdoor space, on a perfect day and that made it special. Pricey and poor service nearly ruined it for me.

     

     

     

    Don’t eat a meal at the Naschmarkt unless someone directs you to a special place. It’s better to snack at some of the smaller stalls.

     

    Coffee/Breakfast

     

     

    Breakfast at Vollpension was perfect after extensive travel the night before. I was thirsty, hungry and tired. This relaxing spot (looked like a Bohemian living room) was exactly what I needed early the next morning. I got to watch them set up and put all the cakes out. I had a traditional Viennese breakfast:  soft boiled eggs and brown bread. This was my first Viennese coffee and it was strong and creamy.

     

    Sites Worth Seeing

    Most of what I saw while in Vienna was on my walkabouts. I wasn’t really in the mood for museums because the weather was exceptional. I did walk into a few buildings just to see part of the interior. Many of the buildings were blocks long and very garish.

    I went on an Airbnb tour:  The Hidden Gems of Vienna, the guide was knowledgable and he spoke English well. The tour was three hours long and we were shown beautiful courtyards, passageways and permanent artwork.

    Some of what I captured for my memory of Vienna:

     

     

    Not to be missed:

    Karmelitermarkt — outstanding outdoor farmers market, food stalls and artists

    Stephansdom — a gorgeous catholic cathedral with art installations

    Naschmarkt — flea market on Saturday and food stalls and restaurants seven days a week

    Heeresgeschichtliches Museum — impressive architecture

    Karlskirche — beautiful structure

    Secession — gold globe art at the top of the building

    Leopold Museum, MUMOK and Museums Quartier

    Parlament — wow; very big

    The Danube — beautiful river through the city

    Augarten — Porcelain Manufactory

    Staatsoper — Opera House

    Akademie der bildenden Künste

    Haus der Musik

     

    It’s a long and certainly not all-inclusive, list. Honestly, the buildings are massive and go on forever. The city is clean, safe, and walkable. The metro system is easy to navigate and reasonably priced (2,40 Euros). There are outdoor cafés and bars everywhere. Innenstadt, City Center, can be easily located and trekked.

     

    New Vienna: 

    On the outside of the inner city is the new Vienna you’ll want to see (my guide pictured below). Modern architecture, new hi-rise buildings and an expansive university. I also walked through an amusement park that boasts the largest ferris wheel of its kind and a couple of a casinos (for a change, I stayed away). This park is over 100 years old and was filled with happy Viennese families. It was only six stops on the metro, outside the city centre.

     

    My Airbnb host, Ben, wrote to tell me that it rained the day that I left. Apparently, it rained for three weeks before I arrived and then they had sun for three days. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I must have done something good.

    Estelle flew home with me. I met the gentleman who painted her and I could not resist. She is now part of my collection:

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  • Wide Awake in the Early Morning

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    One of my recent early mornings — coffee time on the terrace

     

    Early morning defined:  the hours between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m.

    I have been a morning person my entire life. My mom always reminded me that I would wake the entire household when I got out of bed. I don’t get out of bed at 5:15 a.m. because I have to; I wake-up early because I choose to. I haven’t used an alarm clock for 40 years (unless I have a 6:00 a.m. flight). Here are just ten reasons I love the early morning:

    1. It may just be the quietest time of the day. Night owls have finally gone to bed.
    2. You can watch the sun come up. For me this represents hope, change and a boat load of energy.
    3. That first cup of coffee. I drank decaf for years; it’s never been about the caffeine.
    4. It’s when my energy level is at its highest and I’ve tested this.
    5. I feel like I own the world (sort of grandiose I know).
    6. I feel like I can do just about anything.
    7. I’m usually the first to get to where ever I’m going.
    8. By the time I get to the gym — usually empty in the morning, I am fully awake.
    9. No one calls me before Noon because of the time difference between Europe and the U.S.
    10. “The early bird catches the worm!”

     

    Knowing When You Are Most Productive

    For the most part (there are exceptions), I wake up fully energized in the morning. I have a mental ‘to do’ list and I’m eager to start checking off the boxes. I know that by a certain point during the day, my energy level will begin to wane. I discovered my peak period during my freshman year in college. I was forced to register for a couple of 8:00 a.m. classes because they were the only classes with spots left by the time the juniors and seniors registered. Not sure how it’s done these days; back then Freshman got whatever scraps were left. Did not matter much to me, the courses I liked were not the popular choices (e.g., wellness, sociology, black studies).

    I often found myself sitting in a nearly empty classroom. Most of the students who had enrolled, could not get their asses out of bed. I would arrive early, eager to learn — haters, stop hating. My instructors were often impressed with my attentive behavior and I was usually rewarded for it. My Pavlovian inclinations and ‘aim to please’ character traits were a recipe for success. You have to become aware of your assets; mine were always charm and being upbeat. I’m not ashamed to admit any of this. It was never about superior intelligence; lucky for me common sense and ambition were appreciated.

    Throughout my college career, I continued to take morning classes, followed by library time and mental exercise (leisure reading, etc.). Whenever I started to get sluggish, usually after lunch, I would go to the gym to re-energize my battery. Fortunately, I had a part-time job that required me to work early evenings. I was reliable and dependable and I sucked up to authority. Say what you will, but my debt was minimal and for the most part, I was allowed to study at work.

     

    The Advantages of Getting There Before Anyone Else

    Markets:  Food markets usually get started early; often by 8:00 a.m. When you arrive early you get first pick of all the fresh food. Depending on how you get there, the earlier you arrive, the more parking there will be.

    Government Offices:  Being one of the first to arrive at a government office has several advantages. I usually take a good book and try to get there an hour before they open. Government staff are dealing with some crazy stuff and the later you get there, the more agitated they are — not always the case, however, in my experience . . .

    Doctor’s Offices:  Doctors get backed up. Sometimes appointments are scheduled every 15 minutes. If the first person takes 30 minutes, everything gets thrown-off and it only gets worse as the day goes by. I always ask for the first appointment if I can get it. Even if it means I have to delay seeing the doctor for a few days, it’s usually worth it.

    Early Flights and Tourist Destinations:  Earlier flights have a better on-time record. As the day goes on delays can pile up and cause travel nightmares. If you’re going to a tourist destination, people with small children usually arrive a lot later because kids take some time to get ready in the morning. Get there early and you’ll surely have a more peaceful experience. I love kids. Did I tell you that I love kids?

    The Road: Getting on the road early will save you lots of time and aggravation. I think traffic is on my top three list of things I hate most. I have always done everything I could possibly do to avoid traffic.

    Bakery:  Baked goods right out of the oven are worth getting up early for . . . enough said.

    Early Morning Sex:  You have more energy and you can see your partner in natural light. Don’t laugh; it’s true.

    Write me if you think of others.

    A good piece on early morning productivity (click).

     

    You May Have to Put Your Phone On ‘Do Not Disturb’

    Most of my friends and family know that I’m in bed by 10:00 p.m. — at times, much to their dismay. But because they’re human, they forget, and I occasionally get a text or telephone call that gets me out of bed. On nights when I need a solid seven hours, I put my phone on ‘do not disturb.’ There is a small part of me that feels guilty about this, however, there isn’t enough guilt to stop me from doing it.

     

    Disadvantages

    When there is an upside, you can be certain that there will be a downside. The following are several issues related to being an early riser:

    1. Most of the people in my life (nearly all in fact) are not morning people. You know who you are. You like to stay up late watching television/Netflix or reading or being out on the town or passing the hours waiting to be sleepy enough to hit the sack. There was a time in my life when saying goodnight to these folks was embarrassing for me. I would sheepishly walk toward the bedroom and feel guilty for calling it a night. That’s a thing of the past; however, I do sometimes go to bed and miss a really good conversation and/or a bit of juicy gossip. The wine flows and the guard comes down and I’m already two hours into la la land.
    2. There are genuinely times when I would like to go out dancing. Most dance clubs don’t get going until way past midnight. Staying up that late is very difficult for me. I force myself to do it occasionally because I believe being a social animal is important for my relationships and potential dating life. It’s way too easy to crawl under a comfy blanket. Especially after discovering Portuguese cotton; life changing, trust me. A disco nap (you may not know the term if you’re less than 40.
    3. People do get annoyed with you when you say you’d like to have dinner by 7:00 p.m. The problem with retiring early, is that if you eat too late, the food just sits in your stomach and can be disruptive to sleep. Again, most of my friends put up with me. I like giving dinner parties; this way I get to decide when dinner is served.
    4. Speaking of dinner parties . . . I am so glad that I do not live in Japan. In Japan, if you host dinner guests, you cannot call it a night while said guests are enjoying your hospitality. When your guests decide to go home, then and only then, can you say goodnight. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked my guests to leave my apartment. In fact, when I host guests overnight, I almost always go to bed long before they do.
    5. When I am an overnight guest in someone’s home, I do not hesitate to ask them to grind their coffee beans and set up their coffee maker before they go to bed. Conversely, when I have guests, I grind my beans the night before so that I do not wake them at 5:00 a.m. — it’s the little things that differentiate one from other hosts; good hospitality means letting your guests sleep-in.
    6. No matter what time I go to bed, I usually wake up at the same time every morning. It’s not a good thing, but I’ve learned that there isn’t much I can do about it.
    7. It’s not good for dating.
    8. If you like award shows, you’re screwed.

     

    You’re not a morning person but you’d like to be? I know people who have successfully made the change. For the rest of you, stay who are and keep the morning quiet for me.

     

    Next Week’s Blog:  I’ll be traveling to Vienna today (Thursday) and I look forward to telling you all about it.

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    Blue moon Sunday night

     

  • Mixed Feelings and Conflicting Thoughts

    We live in a time of extreme superficiality and greed.  I watched highlights of the arrival of “stars” to this year’s Met Gala and all I could think about was excess, but who am to judge. Some would argue that the Gala is raising millions of dollars for good causes and I’m sure that is true; however, I know from experience (I ran a foundation for 10 years) that in order to make money, you have to spend money. Charity on that level is extremely complicated. I am certain there were millions spent on this event and I can’t help but wonder how many people could have benefited from that money.

    https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/video/2019/may/07/lady-gagas-met-gala-transformation-in-one-minute-timelapse-video

    I wonder if Lady Gaga struggled with the amount spent to display her dress? For me, there is only one answer to this question and that answer is that it doesn’t matter. What matters is how I live my own life. What I give to the world versus what I take from the world. There has to be a balance. If we continue to take without giving back, our resources will dry up and there will be nothing left to take.

    I’m thinking about people who are struggling to pay for groceries or to keep their lights on. And yet, I watch footage of the “Camp” theme and smile. I cannot get enough of it and I feel that I may have had too much of it. It’s these conflicting feelings that drive me mad. Is it okay to admire such excess and be angry about it at the same time?

     

    Two days later:  I watched a “Behind the Scenes” video and saw how many people worked to make that red carpet extravaganza a reality. They were all intensely passionate about what they were creating and many were being paid well. Admittedly, this made me feel a lot better.  I had to step down from my righteous high horse; not easy for me.

     

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    Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

     

     

    Side note:  I’m angry about a lot of things lately; in my life, in the world, in my head. None of it is good for me and I struggle with it daily. This morning at 5:45 a.m. (I wake up at about 5:15 a.m.) I was watching an interview RuPaul gave recently. I admire RuPaul because he seems to understand the balance between camp and reality — we should never take ourselves too seriously; however, some things in life are serious. At the end of the interview he was sharing pearls of wisdom, fortunately for all of us, and he said, “Don’t become bitter.”  I turned off the television and thought about his words for quite sometime. I realized that I am bitter about what I consider to be a great deal of injustice that has been put upon me and others. No doubt we all feel this way at one point or another. RuPaul is right, being bitter is bad and it’s a waste of energy. In some ways it’s like a relentless cancer that eats you up from the inside out. My work for the next however long, is to stop being bitter about the past, live in the present, and look toward the future. In some ways, I’d rather beat up on myself about these mixed feelings than to not feel at all or to be so self-absorbed that it’s all about me, me, me.

    I’m certain that if you read carefully, as painful as it might be, you can read into my personal conflict. The dichotomy (a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different) between feelings of what is right and wrong, what is just and unjust, and what is true and false, keep me awake at night. I often wonder if that’s just the way I’m wired.

     

    Gratitude

    I’ve been listening carefully lately. I think as you get older and search for meaning, listening becomes a good exercise for self-discovery. What I hear over and over again, is to be grateful for whatever the universe sends your way. I won’t bore you with the details, but I will tell you that I believe that I have a great deal to be grateful for. Even the bad stuff has in some way or another, provided insight and meaning. For example, my brother Anthony, who was also my best friend, died almost 20 years ago when he was only 38 years old. I wish Anthony hadn’t overdosed and I’d give just about anything to have him back in life, but his death has taught me so much about myself and what is important. Other tragedies in my life have also provided clarity.

    Years ago I read a great book entitled, The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. My take away from the book was to start each day writing three pages of whatever comes to mind. What I recall (it was awhile back so please don’t quote me on this) is that gratitude was to be a part of this daily journal. It was the first time in my life that I had to truly consider what I should be thankful for versus what made me angry or resentful. I don’t write three pages anymore, however, I do keep a journal and I do meditate. Gratitude is a big part of me life these days.

    For today, and for the purpose of adding lasting meaning to my life, I will say that I am grateful for the opportunity to search — to search for truth, to search for answers, and to search for love. I am learning the hard way, that there isn’t much more to life than that.

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  • Being Introverted

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    How do I know that I’m introverted? A few tell-tale signs:

    1. I took the Myers-Briggs test numerous times and I always come up introverted. (see below for explanation.
    2. I prefer being myself to being with people. That is not to say I don’t like people; I do like people very much.
    3. When I’m attending a social gathering, I have to go out of my way to be social
    4. I have many, many brothers and sisters. Doesn’t that explain why I’m introverted?

    The trait of extraversion–introversion is a central dimension of human personality theories. The terms introversion and extraversion were popularized by Carl Jung,[1] although both the popular understanding and psychological usage differ from his original intent. Extraversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior.

    Extraversion and introversion are typically viewed as a single continuum, so to be high in one necessitates being low in the other. Carl Jung and the developers of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator provide a different perspective and suggest that everyone has both an extraverted side and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. Rather than focusing on interpersonal behavior, however, Jung defined introversion as an “attitude-type characterized by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents” (focus on one’s inner psychic activity) and extraversion as “an attitude type characterized by concentration of interest on the external object” (focus on the outside world).[3

    There are times when I tell friends that I am an introvert and they challenge me. I’m often told that I am far too social to possibly be an introvert. Those who know me well, know that there are days when I just need to be by myself. One of the many reasons I moved overseas, was to spend more time alone. The older I get the more introverted I become. There is absolutely no danger in becoming a hermit, I like love my friends and family too much.

    Just back of five weeks of visiting the U.S. to see friends and family, may of whom I have not seen in years. I truly enjoyed seeing and spending time with all of these folks, but honestly, being “on” for such a long period of time left me completely depleted of all of my energy. I got home to Portugal, closed my door and sat in the splendor of isolation . . . I sat for a long time.

    I know people who can never be alone. My mother was such a person. She would call anyone or go anywhere so that she could have company. I guess that would be a case of extreme extroversion or perhaps it was fear; fear of having to be with oneself.  When I was kid, my mother would climb the attic stairs; my bedroom was in the attic, just to chide me about being in my room alone. She would practically force me to go outside to play. If you have children that tell you that they’d rather read or write or play games, for goodness sake, let them be.

    A Quieter World

    Noise as loud as jack hammers

    I cover my ears

    Piercing sirens and car horns

    Muffle it or make it stop

    Rock turned up six decibels

    Slammed shut to block it out

    Doors closed, pills popped, eyes squeezed closed

    Two a.m. and I still hear it

    Chatter, chatter, chatter

    Barking, bells and horns in surround sound

    Planes take off and circle overhead

    Breaking in speeding traffic

    I tell my brain to turn it down

    Use reason to soothe the sound

    White noise in the dark

    Deafening silence as I sleep

    [I haven’t written a poem in years; it’s a good sign.]

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    A quiet place at the top of the world

    The thing is, when you know who you are and what you like, you can just enjoy being.

    Over ten million people have watched Brené Brown speak, but I had never heard her name until browsing through Netflix offerings last night. Not only does she know what she’s talking about, in fact, she is a pleasure to listen to. Take a listen:

  • Observations Concerning the U.S. and What is Happening Now

    Some thoughts before this American expat flies home later today:

     

    I wasn’t going to write this blog until after I returned home to Portugal and had some time to reflect on my five weeks in the U.S. After a year away from my country, my family, my friends and the politics of my former home, there are many observations I feel compelled to share. I will not name names. Not only would it be unfair and inappropriate to do so, but in truth what I saw and experienced could have come from anyone, anywhere in this country. Some might argue this point, however, the culture of the U.S. is reflected in every city and town throughout the country.

    If you consider the history of the U.S., a year is hardly more than a moment in time. To be clear, my comments will not be generalizations that can and should be applied to all Americans. What I will share are subjective observations about the people and places I visited.

    Politics

    One of the things I said when I moved abroad is that I would try not to pay too much attention to the politics in the States. That didn’t happen. I watched the news everyday and I found myself feeling just as angry and bewildered. I left Portugal in April willing to listen to what everyone I spoke to about politics had to say.

    I have several Trump supporters in my life. This became a big problem for me when he was elected because Mr. Trump and the people he surrounds himself with, represent just about everything I am opposed to. At first I did not want to speak to or interact with these people. Over time, I found myself missing them and feeling badly about my attitude. I made the decision to put politics aside and to try to understand where these friends and family members were coming from.

    I had several very difficult conversations with family members I care deeply about. I remained calm and listened carefully. What I learned was revealing and comforting (in a way):

    For the most part, the people I know who support Trump are kind, smart, caring individuals. They are fully aware of most of his shortcomings and they watch and pay attention to a variety of media. They seem to know that, for the most part, they are not the majority of this country. They say that there are lies and distortions on both sides of the aisle and I would have to agree with this assessment. They know how I feel and they respect my thoughts. I could go on; however, the bottom line is that they have thought about the pros and cons and the facts. They are not 100% conservative or 100% liberal. They believe in much of the same things I believe in and they are not all the same; not in any way.

    I came out of this experience feeling a bit better about the people in my world. I’m admittedly still not happy about the choice they have made, but I can no longer dismiss them or their beliefs. The best I can do is continue to share when I witness distorted facts or atrocities. I also need to remind myself that my truth may not be my “brother’s” truth.

    The Economy

    I was shocked at how much more expensive everything was. Hotels, restaurants, the subway; everything has gone up and not just a little. There was a time when I could buy a cup of mediocre coffee at a street vendor for a buck — that same cup of mud is now two dollars. I guess what I don’t understand is why people keep going back for more. You cannot have a casual sit down lunch at a restaurant without spending twenty dollars or more (including diners).

    When I was a teenager I would see Broadway shows for $8 and that was considered a lot of money because movies were a dollar. Now, cheap Broadway tickets are over $100 and movies are $15 (or more). My friends told me stories about rising rents. Between Airbnb and greedy landlords, there appears to be big problems for renters everywhere. You either have to live far from where you work or share a small space. Greed seems to have gotten worse.

    I realize these kinds of issues arise with every generation; however, the difference today is how pervasive price gouging is and big business and its impact on the economy. If more and more people are using their homes as Airbnb rather than renting on a long-term basis, what inventory will be left for those who cannot afford to buy or pay high rents?

    Some of the Comments Made to Me or Overheard

    • Americans should take an intelligence test before they’re allowed to vote — overheard at a restaurant in Brooklyn, NY.
    • I like Trump. I mean he’s just a man and men love women. I don’t care what he does in the bedroom and I don’t care if he sends out mean tweets; what I care about is how safe we are and our the security of our economy — someone I know very well.
    • This country will soon be run by minorities; we have to try to slow them down before they ruin it for the rest of us — also someone I know well.
    • What we’re doing to our planet is scary and I’m wondering if I did the right thing by having children — a family member.
    • What we are experiencing is surreal and difficult to comprehend. I know this country has been through tougher times, but this feels like the beginning of the end. I waiting for a huge implosion — a family member.
    • New York City has become a place where there is no longer a middle class. You’re either very rich and live well or you’re poor and living day-to-day — a good friend.
    • There are no more mom and pop restaurants. All of the new places are owned by corporations or rich investors — a friend in the food business.
    • Keeping cars out of NYC only makes it easier for the rich to get around. If delivery trucks cannot or will not pay to enter the city, how will people get milk or afford milk — a friend in NYC.
    • We better be prepared for a second term of Trump because it’s going to happen — several people.
    • Not all Floridians are pond scum — a stranger at the bar at Miami airport.
    • Guns that kill will always be easy to get in America; it’s the people who use them that are the problem — a good friend.
    • Late term abortions are wrong and causing problems for other more legitimate abortions — a liberal friend.
    • Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden are too old to run for president. I know it’s agist to say this, but I know how being old feels and the elderly have no place running the country — an older friend.
    • Doctors will never work for less — a friend in healthcare.

    There was so much more said in my presence. What I learned is that opinions and thoughts are strong and real. In the end we have to do our own research and search our own souls for answers.

    The Future

    What I see and hear concerns me deeply. Many people I know and love have the means to survive for years to come, but there are also many people in my life that are living a life that borders on poverty. I cannot imagine surviving on minimum wage today or being out of work for any length of time. People seem more concerned with their own future and less concerned with their neighbors and humankind in general. I don’t necessarily have answers, but I do have questions:

    If the United States becomes a country divided by haves and have nots, how long can it survive? Will there come a time when the marginalized and forgotten rebel? If that time comes, who will survive? Would it not be better for those who have an abundance to share a percentage with those who do not? “Charity begins at home,” has true meaning in today’s world.

    What is happening in Venezuela and other parts of the world should teach us many lessons, but are we willing to learn?

    Note:  Pardon any spelling or grammatical errors, it’s time to pack.

  • Time Out: Taking A Short Break

     

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    I just read a piece about blogging (click) entitled, “Why 99% of Blogs Will Fail in 2018.” Not very encouraging. If success is defined by earning money from one’s blog, then I’m not successful. If success is staying on schedule and publishing a blog each week, then I am highly successful. From the get go, I was aware of those in the blogosphere who write blogs in order to become famous or make a living out of it; this was never my intention. The decision to relocate to Portugal was one of the biggest decisions of my life and I know that others out there are struggling with whether or not to move overseas. I made a commitment to myself and others to document my move. In the process of sharing detailed logistics, I found myself dealing with personal feelings only peripherally to the move.

    When you decide to leave your friends and family, part with 98% of your belongings, and be a part of a completely different culture, a lot of what you end up feeling are emotions you would have not anticipated. I’m not beating myself or complaining; for the most part, it was all good. Blogging provided a means and discipline for putting my thoughts and feelings in writing. I have kept a journal for many years, however, this is different in that you know that strangers and others close to you will be exposed to intimate thoughts you had not shared before. Loneliness and loss surfaced, along with parts of my life I had buried, and had not fully dealt with. Writing about these memories helped me to sort through the impact these experiences had on my life and how these experiences shaped my decision to live in Europe.

    For example, the pain I felt as a child while witnessing physical and emotional abuse in my home, was a lonely and isolated pain. I could not share what I was seeing and feeling with others because these matters were shameful and personal; in truth I am still embarrassed by what I experienced. I kept most of it inside and made promises to myself about my life and my future. Today, I find myself fulfilling these childhood/young adult promises. I shield myself from hurt, I walk away from antagonistic conflict, I reel against physical abuse, and I isolate myself in order to protect myself from emotional pain. The ability to see and think about this in real-time has been helpful in my pursuit of emotional wellbeing. The writing has helped me immensely and I have been told that it has helped others.

    Keeping it real and sometimes raw, has a downside. Alienating friends and family members who were a part of my past is a real danger. So far, I have received nothing but support. I have made a commitment to deal with personal conflict privately and I will hold to that commitment. It would be wrong for someone in my life to read about an unresolved conflict in one of my blogs — this should only apply to someone who is no longer with us; hence unresolved conflict. When you have not had an opportunity for closure, you subconsciously look for ways to resolve whatever is still hanging out there.

    They say it’s all about the journey and with any luck, I have a long road ahead. I expect there is still much to learn. I working hard to embrace truth and a greater awareness of who I am and who I want to be. Thank you for coming along for the ride. Please continue to share your thoughts and personal experiences.

     

    Last Blog Until Sometime in May

    I am taking off for Lisbon today and the States tomorrow. Knowing that I will not be traveling to the U.S. very often, and because I may be getting a dog in January, I decided to make it a five-week trip home — the U.S. will always be home. I will be taking a Caribbean cruise with family for my 60th birthday and I will be visiting friends and family in different states. I’ll be traveling up the east coast, ending my trip in Boston. Until the next time . . .

     

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  • Managing Your Money

    I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too. –Steve Martin

     

     

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    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
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    Tackling this topic is not very smart. I’m certain some of my readers will disagree with some of the points I will make. Again, my thoughts are all subjective. I share them only to give you a starting-off point or an example of one way to go. People worry about money for all different reasons and most of the time, those worries are valid. I’m often asked how I was able to retire when I was 58 years old.

    The average retirement age in the United States among currently living retirees was 59.88 years old. The median living retiree left work at 62 years old, and the most common age to retire was 62 years old. 18.7% of retirees retired at age 62, and a whopping 63.1% retired between the ages of 57 and 66. Feb 27, 2019
    Average Retirement Age in the United States – DQYDJ – DQYDJ.com

    With the average age at 59.88 years old, there are people retiring a lot older and a lot younger than I was. I was fortunate to retire earlier than the median age of 62. This is how I did it:

    Your Retirement Fund — When you’re in your 20s the last thing you’re thinking about is retirement. You’re wondering how you’re going to pay off your college loans, whether or not you’ll have rent money, where you’ll get the money to fix the car — you get my point. But honestly, if you want to retire at an earlier age, you have to put some money into a retirement account as soon as possible. It almost has to be like a car payment or rent. It takes discipline. I understand that for some people, this isn’t even a remote possibility. Whenever I received a pay increase, I raised the amount my employer took out of my salary for my 401K (I was fortunate to have employer contribution matching for 20 years of my career, I understand that it’s rare for employers to match these days). Because they deduct the money pre-tax, you pay less taxes on your income. You are not taxed on the money until you retire, at which point you will theoretically be drawing less annually and therefore, you will be in a lower tax bracket. Let’s just say that if you are single and you are not responsible for others, you might be able to do this.

    Side note:  financial advisors told me that upon retirement I needed to be able to draw two-thirds of my annual salary in order to maintain my lifestyle. I always thought that was a crock and that they told you that so that they (and their companies) would earn more money. Most financial firms charge you an annual percentage of your savings; the more you have put away, the better they do. I guess you can’t blame them for that. I have found that my needs and desires have changed as I’ve gotten older. It doesn’t hurt that I now live in a country that is far less expensive than just about anywhere in the States. Also, I caution you to do extensive research on financial institutions. There are a lot of bad players out there and the last thing you want is to see the money you worked so hard to save, disappear.

    Borrowing — When big life decisions come up, like buying a car or a house, you cannot take the money out of your retirement account. I learned this lesson the hard way. The government will penalize you in two ways:  first, you’ll have to pay a ten percent penalty for early withdrawal, and then you’ll have to pay tax on the money as if you’ve earned it — it can turn out to be thousands of dollars that you do not have. When you’re young, it’s easy to tell yourself that you can use your retirement savings and worry about it later — it’s a bad call. An alternative is a retirement fund that allow you to borrow from them (research your fund). In essence, it’s like you are the bank and you are loaning yourself money. When you pay back the loan, you are paying interest to yourself. So you are paying for the loan, but at least the payback money is going in your pocket. Keep in mind that the amount you’re borrowing has no earning power while you are paying the money back. Some whole life insurance policies offer you the same benefit. It’s better to avoid this option altogether if you can. And by the way, do not get suckered into a whole life policy as a way to save for the future. Term life is a cheaper and better security blanket for your family. And if your employer offers life insurance as a benefit, don’t count on that policy to take care of your family. If you lose your job, you lose that insurance. Therefore, you should either have money in savings to protect your family or term life insurance (if you’re young and healthy, it’s fairly inexpensive).

    Saving — Save for the things you want to buy. Buying on credit is expensive and debt piles up quickly. There are guidelines about percentages of your salary that might be helpful, but we all know that you can only save money if you have money to save.

    Saving Tips

    54 Ways to Save

    Budgeting — Budgeting is a big deal. It allows you monitor the funds coming in and going out. You’ll know what to put aside for the essentials and you’ll hopefully know what will be left at the end of your pay period. I always overestimated my utilities. I knew that my electricity bill would be high during the summer months because I hate heat. I knew my AC would be cranked and frankly, I’d pay for AC before I would buy new clothes or take a trip. Your budget should be adjusted whenever you have a major financial change (pay increase, rent increase, mortgage, etc.). Spending within your means is essential. People end up under water because they spend more than they earn.

    Frivolous Spending — Small extravagances are dangerous. I remember working with people who stopped at Starbucks on the way to work everyday. They spent $10 a day at a coffee shop everyday and that was breakfast 10 years ago. That adds up to $200 dollars a month for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I always made coffee and had oatmeal or cereal at home; saved me thousands over the years. That’s just one expense — think about all of the others you can avoid or live without.

    I have used frivolous spending as a reward I dangled in front of myself if and when I achieved long and short-term goals. If I had a great meeting at work, I’d treat myself to a morning cappuccino. It makes for a sweet reward and a little private celebration. If I achieved a big goal (like my Ph.D.or a big promotion at The French Culinary Institute), I’d treat myself to a nice vacation or I would upgrade my car. I’ve never really cared for fancy resorts. I was once treated to a few days at a Ritz Carlton Resort in Arizona. I ordered a cocktail poolside and it was $25; I thought to myself, I could have bought myself a new shirt for that much money.

    Credit Cards — Credit card debt is the worst debt you can have. Well not true, if you borrowed money from my mother’s friend Vinnie in Brooklyn and had to pay him back twice what you borrowed, that was pretty bad. The problem with credit cards is that they allow you to pay back a minimum amount each month and before you know it, your debt is greater than your monthly income. I once gave all of my credit cards to a friend and I told him to never give them up, even if I begged. Spending can become an unwanted addiction. Keep one or two low interest cards to have for travel and emergencies. There are also cards that draw from your checking or savings; even better.

    Mileage programs — Credit card companies and airlines have become very greedy (I know, they always were). There was a time when your miles meant something. Now there are enormous fees that come along with “free” tickets or hotel rooms. I personally like hotels.com; you get a free room after you’ve booked ten nights using their service. The fees and taxes you pay for your free room are nominal — I’m wondering how long this program will last.

    Going Out — Going to bars will set you back. A night at the bar could be outrageously expensive. If the point is to hang out with your friends, you should consider taking turns hosting. Beer in the supermarket is a lot cheaper and a bottle of vodka can go a long way. Don’t do take out — way too expensive. Some sandwiches or snack foods will save you lots of money. It’s not being cheap, it’s being smart (just to make you jealous:  a beer at a bar or cafe in Faro is one euro or 1.50 euro; a mixed drink is usually 3 euros and sometimes even less. Crazy huh?

    I was at a bar with friends in New York City last year and I decided that since they all came to see me, I should buy a round. I looked at the check to see what I should tip and the check was over $100 — sticker shock!

    Eating in Restaurants — I love eating out; as does most of the world. Letting someone else cook and do the dishes is quite a treat. I know people who never cook or eat in and I have to say I’m a little jealous. Similar to drinking in bars, eating out can cut into your savings or add to your monthly budget. If you’re trying to save for a house or a college education, you might consider either cooking more or eating at less expensive restaurants. I love my own cooking so this isn’t too much of an issue for me. When I lived in New York and Maine it was difficult to avoid eating out a lot. When I was at the French Culinary Institute I had to eat out to keep up with our alumni and current food trends. Then of course, most of my friends are big time foodies and most of our social activities centered around food and eating out. Every once in a while I would suggest taking a long walk or eating in just to mixed things up a bit and save some cash. Keep track of what you’re spending at restaurants. When you look at the amount, it may help you cut back.

     

    Vacations — I love Airbnbs because I can cook some of my own meals. So many benefits if you like to cook:  you know the ingredients are fresh and you can save lots of money. I also do a lot of research on off-season bargains, etc. It’s so important to get away; it’s a great way to gain perspective and escape from your worries for a bit. For me it’s always been a good excuse for allowing myself to shut down. It’s also a great opportunity to spend leisure time with friends. I also get extra satisfaction from having snagged a bargain.

    Generosity — If you’re from a big family, there are lots of weddings, showers, birthdays, anniversaries and different ways to celebrate. And then there’s Christmas, Hanukkah, bar mitzvahs, oy vey. Being generous and buying expensive gifts is great if you have a load of cash, but let’s face it, few of us do. Gift giving should be more about showing someone you care with a token gesture, but it’s become competitive and sometimes the expectations are unfair and unrealistic. For example, if you don’t spend a lot of money on a unique Valentines gift, it means you don’t love your partner. Sometimes a discussion about limits and expectations is warranted in order to keep things reasonable. More communication is always better. I think it’s great to be generous, but also prudent to live within your means.

    Keeping Your Eye on the Prize — If early retirement or retirement in a beautiful place is your goal, keep it dangling in front of you at all times. What will it take to get there? How much do you need to put away annually? Where can you cut back in order to get there faster? Entice yourself with photographs and journal entries describing what it will be like.

    What I Might Have Done Differently

    Regrets are a waste of time and it turned out pretty well for me despite the mistakes I made, but for your benefit, the following are some things I might have done differently:

    • I should have started savings earlier.
    • I spent a lot of money on a Whole Life insurance policy thinking it would grow over time and benefit me in retirement. It was a waste of money and I eventually cashed it in.
    • I spent a lot of money on silly gadgets (i.e. kitchen tools, TVs, electronic equipment) throughout my life. I wish I had been a bit more prudent.
    • I spent way too much money on “the other guy” in relationships; oh well.
    • I had a little country house in Pennsylvania for ten years. If I could do it over, I’d rent. Buying a second home is great for entertaining and bragging rights, but it is very expensive and a lot of work. I spent most weekends doing repairs and taking care of the yard; hardly a place to relax and unwind (although I did enjoy some good times there).
    • Sometimes I forget to check to see what I have in the refrigerator or pantry. I end up buying too much of something and end up having to throw away food that is no longer fresh.
    • I’ve always enjoyed casinos and I’ll leave it at that.

    Note:  My brother and his wife are visiting from the States. I told my brother I was writing this blog and this was his reaction:

    “Chris, you don’t understand, the only person you have to take care of is yourself. I have a wife, children and grandchildren to care for. It’s a lot harder for me bro.”

    This is the reaction I feared. I’m hoping my readers can find something helpful here. If I missed anything, please chime in.

     

    I see the moon over Faro (left) in the morning (back view) and the sunset over the Ria Formosa in the evening (right, terrace view) and it makes all the sacrifices I had to make to get here worthwhile.

     

     

     

     

  • Accepting What You See in the Mirror

    “Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”― Eleanor Roosevelt

    Eleanor Roosevelt

    Eleanor seemed to have it together. My goal is to think the way Eleanor thought. Well, we know that’s not happening. I took these selfies recently and let me tell you, I’m not a selfie taker (I read that all selfie takers say that). I’m not sure why I took them or where I took them, but they do pretty much sum up how I feel about getting older.

     

     

    Getting older is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think:  it’s not fair that my father was handsome his entire life (he was 87 when he died) or see that wattle under your chin, you deserve it for teasing your mom about hers. I want to love every line on my face and embrace my sagging eyelids and I want to believe that there is a reason there is more hair in my ears than on the top of my head; although I might have to let that one go.

    I was coerced and cajoled into going to a Carnival party last night. You know the feeling:  I’m too old, I’ll be invisible. I don’t want to dance, the food will suck, and so on. I pushed myself so that I could prove to myself and my new Portuguese friends, that I could party with the best of them. I decided to wear whiteout make-up in hopes that it would cover my lines, I sported a new t-shirt, newly refurbished black boots and some borrowed red lipstick. I made an effort and it worked. I had a great time and although I wished the party had started a bit earlier, I stuck it out for a few hours and I went to sleep smiling; facial lines intact.

     

     

    I know all of this is normal growing older stuff and I know that at some point I will probably embrace it, but that doesn’t mean I should stop trying to be better at it now. In the meantime, I need to continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone.

     

    Some Things One Can Do to Embrace the Aging Process:

    1. Take care of your skin — Twenty years ago, I paid quite a lot of money for a facial in New York City just to learn how to take better care of my skin. The biggest lesson I learned was about toner. It’s really important to close your pores after you’ve washed your face or shaved. If you do not close your pores or use toner to close your pores, anything you put on your skin will go right into your pores and clog them up. That’s when you end up with blackheads and pimples; yes I still get pimples — moisturizer is also important for preventing wrinkles; dry skin is more likely to wrinkle. Some men are way too macho to care about this stuff, but for those who do, it is possible to have good skin your entire life.
    2. Take care of your body — We all know that unless you eat right and exercise, your body will give you all sorts of problems. Thirty minutes of exercise a few days a week will go a long way for good health. Eating fresh food and taking vitamin supplements are also essential. I do it all in moderation (or I won’t do it). Genetics plays into aging; however, how well you take care of your body is a huge factor in how well you age.
    3. Stay sharp — Mind, body and spirit are usually the three aspects of your life that experts point to when discussing good health. Keeping your mind sharp means that you have to exercise your brain. Sitting in front of your television can be relaxing and benefit your mental wellbeing, but doing things that stimulate your mind are key to staying mentally sharp. Reading, puzzles, attending lectures, and participating in stimulating conversation, are examples of things you can do to stay sharp. Don’t let your brain atrophy.
    4. Dress Up — This is a difficult one for me. Give me a nice cotton tee-shirt and some soft cotton sweatpants and I’m good to go. That’s okay for grocery shopping or taking a brisk walk, but when you’re going out for dinner or to a concert, make the extra effort and dress up a bit. People around you will show you how much they appreciate the effort. When we get lazy and let ourselves go, it affects the way we feel about ourselves and has a negative impact on the way we interact with others. It can be so subtle we don’t see it, but trust me, it’s there. Experiment with this and wear a sports jacket and tie to dinner; you’ll see a big difference in the way people treat you — you too ladies (without the tie though).
    5. Pamper yourself — vacation, massage, long walk on the beach and so many other things you can do to say “I love you” to yourself.
    6. Be graceful and gracious — Always put your best self forward. Good manners and a positive attitude go a long way in navigating the world around you. We all need one another at one point or another. Show the people around you that you appreciate them; when you need something, people will remember how you treated them or whether or not you thanked them. We all need to be appreciated. I have had to remind several people in my life that I should not and will not be taken for granted. It’s all part of being a good friend or family member — we can all learn from one another. People always say that the world was once a kinder, gentler place. It’s difficult to know how true that statement is; however, it doesn’t hurt to strive to improve; we all benefit from a kinder world.
    7. Volunteer — An opportunity to give back, do something fulfilling and meet new people.
    8. Remember the alternative is not-so-good

     

    What to Say to People When They Ask You How Old You Are?

    • I used to add ten years onto my age to see what kind of reaction I’d get. One time I did that and the person said, “That’s what I would have guessed.”  Needless to say, I stopped doing that.
    • You can stand tall and proudly declare your exact age.
    • You can lie if it makes you feel better.
    • You can say, “I’m in my 50s but I feel like I’m 30.”
    • You can tell people what was happening in the world when you were born. There was a major solar eclipse on the day I was born. I like sharing that for some reason. I believe the strength of the sun on the day I was born had a lot to do with my birth. You don’t have to agree with me, that’s okay.
    • I wouldn’t say, “How old do you think I am?” unless you are prepared for the answer.
    • You can say, “Old enough.”
    • Fill in the blank __________________________.

     

    How Others Age

    Try not to compare yourself to others. Like I said earlier, genetics play a major role in aging. Some people seem to have better skin. Some people have arthritis and some don’t. Some people can build muscle more easily. You get my point; be easier on yourself.

    One of the things I love about growing older is that you seem to care less about what others think — it’s freeing to say the least. I’m looking forward to caring even a little less. I’m talking about the divisive stuff, not the loving and caring stuff.

     

    A couple of good articles:

    Aging in Beauty

    Learning to Love Growing Old

    Coping with Aging

     

    Daylight Savings Time

    I received calendar messages reminding me about daylight savings time yesterday. I thought that I was losing an hour, so I went to bed earlier and woke up later (I had changed all of my clocks before I went to bed). When I woke up the time on my phone hadn’t changed, so I did a bit of research. I learned that daylight savings time will not happen in Portugal until March 31. I’m not happy about this. Why do we continue this antiquated practice and why can’t all the countries who still do it, do it at the same time? Just sounding off a bit.

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    I’m adding a section to my blog called “Blog Truth.” I will tack this section onto the end of my blog when something is weighing on my mind and I believe it needs to be said. You might ask, “Isn’t that what your blogs are all about?” The answer is yes, except that there are times when I don’t want to write an entire blog about a singular thought. For example:

    Blog Truth

    I’m fairly certain that I alienated some of my readers by revealing early drug use. I believe this is true because of non-reaction from readers who usually weigh-in. Perhaps I am wrong; perhaps these folks had nothing to say — that is what I hope to be true. Most of the reactions I receive are sent privately. For this particular blog, I surprisingly had very little feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think; publicly or privately.

    backlit beach clouds dawn