Notice I said later and not late; it isn’t over yet. When you get older you begin to reflect upon the things that truly matter. It’s actually one of those positive life epiphanies you wish had happened sooner, but alas, like so many things, take it when it comes. So I thought I’d share some of these thoughts with you while I have the nerve to do so.
None of it is gospel or written in stone. One’s truth sometimes only applies to the beholder. If any of this pig’s dookie resonates or seems reasonable, then I’ve met my expectations. If it leaves you feeling confused or pained, then I was right all along.
Pleasing other people while neglecting your own wishes, is foolish
This is a silly example, but it’s the one that comes to mind. I like sparkling water when I dine out. Many times when dining out with friends the waitstaff will ask “sparkling or still?” and a friend will answer for the table and say, “we’ll have still.” There was a time I stayed quiet and just drank still water. Now when this happens, I say, “I’ll have sparkling please.”
When I’m going to dinner with a friend or with family, I try to get consensus for where we will be dining. If we’re in their hometown, I will acquiesce, thinking they’ll know better. In general, I think it’s only fair that there is some equality in the type of food and the place. There are times when someone will need a gentle reminder about who gets to choose. I’m afraid that I’m not always gentle. If you love food as much as I do you’ll understand.
Denying yourself certain things that make you truly happy, is bad for you
I know people that deny themselves all that is good because they think it’s bad for you. Of course, there are many things that are bad for you and should be avoided, but . . . there are other things that might be okay in moderation. I will avoid writing about alcohol or marijuana, which might be triggers. I’ll just mention a few things I will never deny myself unless I’m told they will drastically shorten my life: chocolate, snacks while watching a good film, flying to a place I love (I believe if I deny myself the pleasure of travel because airplane fuel is destroying the ozone, then I am a fool. I have tried saving the planet and have discovered it doesn’t work), and buying a movie ticket in a real movie theatre.
Trust me, if you completely deny yourself that snack or small thing, you will want it more. Moderation.
Ignore aches and pains and they will eventually go away
Last year I had a nagging pain on my right side not too far from my stomach. I thought it was bloating or a muscle sprain from the gym. I had other minor issues that I thought may or may not be related. For months I just ignored it — don’t ask me why humans do this. One day the pain lasted the entire day. I knew it wasn’t my appendix because that’s been removed. If it was my pancreas, I didn’t want to know. Well, it was my gallbladder and I had to have surgery. Once I healed, I felt so much better. If something is wrong with you, it won’t just go away. In fact, if an illness goes untreated, it will, more than likely, get worse.
Having “things” does not necessarily make you happy
We have been programmed to think that shiny, pretty things will give us happiness. We often believe that if it’s more expensive, it will give us even more happiness. It might be true for a brief period of time, but this kind of happiness doesn’t last. For most, you quickly become bored with whatever it is and you subconsciously desire the next shiny new thing. Except for iPhones, they don’t count. Mind you I’m an Android user with a four year old phone. For some, the newest iPhone is a religion.
Fussing with your appearance isn’t a bad thing, especially if you do it for yourself
This is one of those topics that can really piss people off, so I’m going to play chicken and avoid it. But . . . there is one thing I truly believe, if you do anything at all to change your appearance or improve your looks and you’re doing it because it makes you feel better, that’s a good thing. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, fuck ’em.
If you say or do something embarrassing, people will forget quickly
We’ve all been there. Open mouth, insert foot and a big piece of humble pie. Every time I do this I die a little. The curious thing is, that people quickly forget whatever it is you might have thought was going to cancel you. I’m not talking about something so horrendous you couldn’t possibly show your face again. I’m talking about a minor faux pas, like calling someone by their wrong name or asking an unmarried person about his or her husband. In your mind you messed up big time, but the person on the receiving end will usually just shrug it off. Hey, we’re all human. I take that back.
Worrying about what people think is a waste of time and energy
Oh that I could shed this awful habit. I’ve learned that no matter who you are, what you say, what you do, you will piss people off. Those who will think of you, and it should be said that most do not, will often find a reason to dislike you. I am not so virtuous to claim to have never judged or misjudged another. In fact, I believe I’m as guilty as the next guy. All the more reason to believe this truth: the best you can do for yourself and everyone else, is to follow your own path. Be who you want to be and do what you want to do. Those who like, or if you’re lucky enough, love you, will accept you for who you are. When you catch a glimpse of this reality it’s both freeing and comforting. As I stated earlier, I’m only partway there.
What does success look like?
I recall sleepless nights cramming for exams at university. Sitting in my dorm room poring over notes while my friends were out partying. When I think about my youth, my one big regret was not having more fun. I do think getting good grades is important, but getting into the “right” school might not be. In fact, I interviewed with several employers who specifically avoided ivy league graduates. I don’t think it’s important to guess why that might be. I won’t lie, my New York University Ph.D. opened doors, but I’m fairly certain other lesser known, less expensive schools would have been good enough.
Back then, success was all about prestige, a high salary, and a title. I wish I’d known back then, that a mid-management decent salary would have meant a less stressful, possibly happier life. Spending time with people I loved and enjoyed, would probably have provided more meaning than twelve hour workdays. And emailing my boss and co-workers while on vacation didn’t make me a better person. If I could reset my career, there are two major things I would change: first, I’d do more research on my potential employers, and second, I’d leave the job as soon as it became intolerable. The only thing I gained by staying was stomach issues and prolonged resentment. And co-workers who judged, shunned, or betrayed you? Let it/them go.
If you’re thinking, “Why is everything one big joke with him?” Well, for me, it is. Half of what I’m thinking is bullshit and the other half is my shit. It’s my coping mechanism to keep it in perspective. Do what works for you.
State-of-Mind
It’s taken me weeks to state this with confidence: I’m in a good place. I am still grieving over Paco, but now my thoughts are mostly pleasant memories of him doing the things he loved most. I’m back to traveling and making good choices. A clear head is a welcome state indeed.
I go back and forth with regards to my beliefs about people in my life reading my posts. I want so badly to say it doesn’t matter. I guess, in part, because I believe it shouldn’t matter. But then I consider how I am toward people in my life I care about (very dangerous thoughts) and it leads me to believe that people that have the capacity to support you, should support you. I add the “capacity” caveat because I believe there are times in our lives when we deserve a pass from everyone. If you’ve lost someone in your life and you’re grieving, if you’re very ill, if you just lost your job, if you’re in the middle of a massive move, and other stressful or traumatic experiences, then in my mind (and heart), you deserve a pass. Writing is my passion, self-expression, my way of sharing my beliefs and feelings. If you say you love me or care about me, show me. The people I’m speaking to are not reading this and that my friends, is one of the riddles of life.
“We rise by lifting others.” – Robert Ingersoll
