Papagni Pages

Tag: healing

  • Remaining True to Yourself

    And Enjoying Life

    Warning: If you believe revealing feelings or deep personal thoughts is inappropriate, read no further.

    Those of you who have followed my blog for the past nearly nine years, know that I went from writing about my travels and immigrant life in Portugal, to writing about whatever popped into my head weekly, to most recently, fiction. Because writing is one of my favorite pastimes, I want to continue. But because I easily become bored, I’m going to change things up a bit. I imagine I will occasionally throw in a bit of fiction with the current non-fiction.

    I’m going to cover topics I think might be relatable. Like most people, I suffer from daily ambivalence. One day I know exactly what I want and the next, I haven’t got a clue. I can’t help asking myself why that happens. So, for today, I’m going to be asking some difficult questions. I promise to attempt an answer that will be both authentic and useful. Perhaps helping me and others toward a clearer path moving forward. Always feel free to chime in.

    How can I navigate the difficult days?

    What I have learned (sure did take me long enough), is that when a difficult day comes along, there is little I can do to change things; especially if it’s about my mood, airport issues, illness, politics, etc. The best I can do is to take it easy on myself to soften it a bit and/or go with it. I do this knowing that the difficulty will eventually pass. It’s usually something beyond my control, so rather than fight it, I just try to wait it out. Always easier said than done.

    How honest can you be with the people in your Life?

    This is one of the hardest of life’s dilemmas. What I know to be true is that my truth is sometimes another person’s struggle or pain. People do not always have the tools to face or see certain things about themselves and there are all sorts of reasons for this. I can be thinking, I’m going to be honest so that they can acknowledge whatever it is and respond favorably. This rarely happens, more often than not, the person resents you and puts distance between you and them. In addition, my standards and values may be very different from those of some of the people around me. I have realized that the more grace I extend to others, the more fulfilling my relationships are. I think I may be one of those people who like to stir the pot.

    “Learn how not to be mad at people for not being who you need them to be.”

    – Ancestor Healing Magic, Marva

    What compromises can you make without losing your integrity?

    I once thought that I shouldn’t compromise or budge. Now I know that compromises must be made in order to achieve harmony. There are times when a red line is drawn. If someone wants me to do something illegal or criminal, I usually bow out. I also believe the isms, such as racism, sexism, agism, and several others, are a hard no. MAGA has no place in my heart and/or life.

    Can grief teach you something about your life?

    I have had a great deal of loss in my life. I have come to realize there are many ways we grieve, further, sometimes grief is stronger depending on where we are in our lives or the circumstances surrounding the loss (i.e., the age of the person or the way in which they passed). The greatest lesson for me has been to allow myself to feel the loss. Whether it’s facing a difficult memory or being swept up in your emotions. A good cry can be incredibly healing. Realizing life isn’t tied up in a pink ribbon is also healthy and it can initiate growth.

    Is picking and choosing your vices wise?

    There are things in life that I know for certain are not good for me, yet I partake anyway. I can’t name all of these vices; I’m too embarrassed and by naming them, I would make them too real for comfort. I have a simple philosophy that helps guide me: if it makes me feel good and poses a minimal threat to my existence, I welcome it. For example, I love wine. I don’t drink wine to get drunk, I drink wine because I love the taste and how it pairs with food. I drink it in moderation because it’s high in calories and if I overdo it in the evening, my trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night become disruptive. Another one of my vices is chocolate. I may even love it more than wine. Dark chocolate is my drug of choice and I indulge at least once a day. If I was given a choice to add five years to my life if I gave it up, I’d happily keep eating it. Add nuts of all kinds and I’m pretty happy indeed. Any good vices out there I should know about? TikTok is a social media vice, but I love it and I can’t stop.

    Older man sitting on a park bench with a cane in autumn
    An older man relaxes on a park bench beneath colorful autumn trees (AI generated),

    I stopped at that last question for several reasons: 1) keeping it brief, keeps people engaged, 2) I’ve learned that the difficult questions we ask ourselves can be exhausting, and lastly, I’ve learned when to stop.

    I’m thinking that next week will be about accepting getting old(er).

    “You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though everybody is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
    ― Mandy Hale

  • Why Make It About You?

    The Power of the Mind and How to Mitigate Your Thoughts

    My ego punching my gut

    Have you ever wondered whether or not those voices in your head are worth listening to? If my voices had it their way, I’d be reduced to solitary confinement without supper. I keep telling myself it’s not about you because that’s what all of the wise asses tell me. “It’s not you, it’s them.” But is it them?

    We get to inhabit this amazing planet ever so briefly. Yet still, we spend way too much time ganging up on ourselves. A part of you knows this. You know time is precious and that you are enough. Still, self-doubt and blame seem to be an easy go-to. I’m fucking tired of it. Two steps forward, three steps back . . . it’s exhausting.

    “Fear and self-doubt are the greatest killers of personal genius.”

    — Ziad K. Abdelnou

    How many times have you been with a small little person (not child, a creep) and walked away thinking something was wrong with you? There is only one explanation for this kind of self-flagellation: a very damaged sense-of-self. I’ve learned through talking with friends and strangers, that many of us suffer from this serious affliction. Professionals believe that it is prudent to explore the origin of self-doubt, for you. For me it goes back to a mother who did not believe one should congratulate oneself. If I even came close to anything that resembled self-praise, I was shut down, scolded, and put in my place.

    A few weeks ago I was sitting with acquaintances; I shared that I had a Ph.D. and that my dissertation was about homophobia. I don’t remember why I mentioned it except that we were talking about being gay. I beat myself up for two days after mentioning my degree. Sound ridiculous? Yes it was. Welcome to my world.

    I often wonder if knowing how my open wounds were created, helps in the healing process. The answer for me is that I’m certain it does help; however, clearly it’s not a cure. There is a great deal of work that has to be done beyond discovery. Confronting demons is one of the more difficult things we have to do in order to move on. Why did you do this to me? Do you have regrets? Would you do it differently if you could do it all over again? What does a do over look like? Tell me what I mean to you and how far you’re willing to go to protect what we have?

    How Your Friends Can Help

    I have a couple of friends that I know can be brutally honest and that’s a good thing. I will occasionally ask this kind of question: That conversation we just had, do you think I was being sincere? Did any of it sound like bullshit? If you’re open to their honest perception of what went down, you can make some serious positive changes in your life.

    You have to pick and choose who you do this with and how often you do it; it’s asking a lot. I have one friend who usually nails it — I don’t always like what she has to say, but I know it’s insightful and useful. When you know someone loves you a great deal, you can trust that their words are coming from a good place.

    When people only tell you what they think you want to hear, it does you no good. It tends to validate mistakes or bad behavior. I’m refraining from providing examples; then I’d have to relive some difficult situations.

    Journaling

    I’ve been journaling for over forty years and I find it therapeutic and useful for two reasons: first, it tends to help remove it from your mind. When thoughts swirl around in your head, they tend to need a release valve of some sort. Journaling helps you clarify and purge. Secondly, and not as straightforward, if you’re willing to go back later and read your thoughts, it helps you to see that you may or may not have made progress. It can be a good gauge of success, failure, and change. Just don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t accomplish your goal or meet your own unrealistic expectations (i.e., last year I told myself that enough was enough and that I needed to speak Portuguese. I set a personal goal to speak conversational Portuguese by January 2022 — not realistic at all. I had to revise that goal several times and that’s okay.)

    I will usually sit down with my journal sometime in late December to review the year. If I have sketched out some goals in January, it’s always good to see how far I have come. I have also realized that some goals are better not pursued. Travel helps me to see things in new and different ways. It gets me out-of-my-head; new surroundings help with out-of-the-box thinking and creativity.

    Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

    There are several ways that I choose to challenge myself. Some are more difficult than others:

    • Set a goal and work toward surpassing my marker. For example, organizing my home. I’ll plan to tackle a room at a time and finish in a week. Once I get started, I will challenge myself to get it done in five days with a reward (dinner in a nice restaurant) if I succeed.
    • If I find myself with a thoughts(s) that I believe are damaging my sense-of-self, I will work toward either walking away from the source of these thoughts, or changing the situation so that the outcome will be positive. I am currently in a situation where a couple of people I spend time with, derive pleasure from belittling others. They’re subtle and subversive in their actions. I’m having to decide whether to stay and ignore their toxicity or walk away from it. Accepting that there are people and things I cannot change, has always been challenging. It also good to remind yourself of your own flaws and shortcomings.
    • Therapy entails a lot of work; however, the payoff can be enormous. I have been in therapy on and off since my early twenties. It’s difficult to quantify the benefits, but my gut tells me that I am a better person for having done the work. It’s is certainly not a one and done experience. I believe for most, some kind of therapy, is a lifetime commitment. The pursuit of sanity?
    • Exercise helps me sort out toxic thoughts and put things in perspective. You’re are accomplishing multiple goals when you physically challenge yourself. Let it become a good habit. I miss a workout and I feel it deeply. There are instances when I’m not near a gym or time does not allow a workout; a good long walk can be a positive replacement or substitute.
    • Meditation. I will always recommend meditation. Give yourself a few minutes a day to to free up your mind and make room for possibilities. There are so many ways to meditate and most of them provide benefits.
    • Travel for me is probably my #1 mind opener. It allows you to experience the world in different ways and see things in a different light. It’s a good way to step out of your comfort zone. It’s also a terrific way to meet interesting people and make friends all over the world. I know/knew a couple who travelled into their 90s (one of them has passed). Their stories were enlightening and their dreams were contagious. They are my model for experiencing the wonders of our planet.
    Quiet Self Doubt with these Quotes – diaryofarunninglady

    Travel

    I have plans and tickets for France in a few weeks, but if I’m going to be realistic, I just don’t see it happening [I just postponed this trip until August]. Testing and restrictions make it difficult to enjoy touring. Cuba has been postponed twice already and my February plans also seem doomed for cancellation. It is a Cuba, Toronto, Baltimore itinerary; I’ll be surprised if I can pull it off. I know this isn’t fair to say because so many have been negatively impacted by COVID-19, but I am fucking tired of it. People need to be vaccinated and follow protocols.

    One thing is for certain, COVID-19 has helped me to be more flexible and understanding. I have never had to navigate so much uncertainty and change — I’m getting better about going with it. Truthfully, sometimes admitting that it’s getting to me, doesn’t seem to placate my anger. What I want, what I need, is for this virus to become normalized; like the common cold or flu perhaps. Forever the dreamer.