Posted on by CP

If it Were My Last 24 Hours on Earth

“No one here gets out alive.” — Jim Morrison

Reblog Nov. 2019 (with additions)

Not to worry, not checking out anytime soon, just reminding myself how fragile life can be. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone; therefore, I think it’s best for me to respond in the abstract and not name names.What if you knew that you were going to die and you had 24 hours or less left to live? Would you want to be surrounded by those you love? Would you run away and hide from everyone? Would you tell people you cared about? Would you share things you have been holding back? Would you look back at memories? Would you end your life sooner in order to control the situation?These are the kinds of questions I ask myself when considering just how finite life is.  And by the way, the questions come up occasionally, not every day. There are statistics that guide us when we consider our lifespan. There are formulas based on how long your parents lived. Then there are calculations based on lifestyle. Genetics sometimes come into play. However, an accident may make all of those theories insignificant and irrelevant.I had a pretty bad accident a couple of years ago that made me question life, death, and how I feel about both. Up until the accident I was fairly certain that I would grow old and cranky. If I’m going to be honest, I have to say I’m well on my way.I attended a dinner party a few days ago and raised my blog topic for this week. It’s interesting to hear what people have to say in a relaxed social setting. I don’t usually share my own thoughts until after I’ve heard from others. As with any difficult subject, some people prefer to avoid the matter altogether and this time was no different. One of the things I love about people is how very unique we all are. It’s for this reason that I try my best not to judge. Our prospective can be polar opposite based on things like upbringing, religious beliefs, the truth we hold on to, and so forth. I would be untruthful if I didn’t admit to feeling strongly about my own beliefs; the power of personal conviction is essential for many reasons. Keeping that in mind, I don’t claim to be right, but I do think that what I am espousing is true for me; sometimes, that’s all that truly matters.I posed the question to a small group of people sitting at the table after lunch:If you knew you had 24 hours or less to live, what would you do? The answers I got were interesting and understandable:”I wouldn’t change anything; I’d want it to be a normal day.””I wouldn’t tell anyone because all they would do is cry and pity me.””I would be with a very small group of people I love very much.””I wouldn’t do very much because I would want time to slow down. When you do a lot of things, time speeds up.””I might consider ending my life sooner — when I decided it should end.””I would have a couple of conversations I have been avoiding.””Why, do you know something I don’t know?”The thing is, do we truly know how we would behave until we are actually in a particular life altering situation? I could easily say I wouldn’t tell anyone that I was going to die, but in truth, if I knew it was the end and I became extremely emotional or scared, I might need to tell or want to tell someone.What follows are some thoughts on why we live our lives as if there is no expiration date:I love this poignant comic included in Brian Lee’s piece on living life as if we’re never going to die at Lifehack. Check out www.zenpencils.com.

  • We are complex creatures with hopes, fears, frailties and misgivings. Our highly developed brains allow us to tuck away thoughts and focus on things that make us feel good; I should note that some of us are better at this than others. We often behave as if our daily actions do not have consequences for the future. Vices and health related toxins are often imbibed or eaten without concern for longevity. It’s a curious human occurrence considering that most of us would like to grow old. So what drives us to recklessness? It’s as if there is a little switch in our brains that we choose to turn off when desire overpowers restraint.It is no accident that the precise timing of our death is unknown. Imagine the chaos and emotional instability that would ensue. I think that animals have a better sense of death and what it means than we do and, therefore, have better dying coping skills. I’ve been with several dogs at the end of their lives and the sense of peace and acceptance I felt from these animals was both life affirming and beautiful. We live and we die and that is the true miracle of life.As I consider complicated mechanisms for denial and delusion, it once again brings me to how I might deal with knowing when my own demise is just around the corner. Here are some thoughts that come to mind (not necessarily in order of importance):

    1. There is no doubt in my mind that I would want to truly enjoy the wonders of the earth. The sunrise and sunset continue to amaze me and I take both in as often as possible. The smell of flowers and the feel of earth between my fingers, gives me great pleasure. I can only imagine that knowing these wonders would no longer be accessible would heighten my desire to experience them.The people in my life who have shown me love and devotion would be on my mind at the end; I would hope that these cherished few would be nearby. I would want to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. I still do not know that I would share the inevitability of my passing. We all know that we should be showing our love and appreciation often, not waiting until we are sick or dying.I have loved food since I could smell my dad’s pizza in the oven when I was a wee toddler. My relationship with good food has never waivered and I hope I remain true to my passion until the day I die. I have been reading research about taste buds and how our sense of taste diminishes with age. I refuse to believe that this applies to me. My father and aunts and uncles on my father’s side, all enjoyed savory dishes well into their 80s. If I knew that my death was near, I would want to devour my favorite foods:  shellfish, pasta and cake and a nice red of course. I know that knowing it was almost over would probably have an effect on my appetite; however, knowing how I sometimes eat and drink to feel better, I imagine I’d be hungry and thirsty. A very expensive armagnac would be a must have. Being present and cherishing every moment of what life I have left, would likely be my mode of thinking and feeling. I have never feared death, therefore, I’m fairly certain I would be at peace with it.I would want to be comfortable; the right temperature, the right place, and the right people around me. I would probably want to be on a good dose of xanax.

    2. I have had many people in my life pass:  my grandparents (three before I was even born), my parents, several siblings, close friends, teachers, co-workers and acquaintances. My mother’s brother died of a massive heart attack in his 50’s; how could I not consider the possibility of dying at anytime? Personally, I don’t find this morbid or sad.

    3. Long ago I decided that if I had a fatal illness, I would travel (if I could) to a place where you could choose to die with dignity. If this were to happen, I would have an opportunity to decide how I would spend my final hours; all of this provides great comfort. I am not obsessed with dying, I am focused on living and making sure my quality of life is the best it can be.

      The purpose of this blog is twofold. First, it is my hope that it will get you thinking about how you live your daily life; what are your priorities and do you consider and cherish the people and things that bring you the greatest happiness. Second, it is my belief that we as individuals have the power to change the course and direction of our lives. I felt stuck, misguided and unhappy in Maine. It wasn’t so much the place or the people, but an environment that was too comfortable and unchallenging. I moved to Europe in order to reboot, recharge, and start afresh. It’s not right for everyone, but it has taught me more about myself than I anticipated. Self-discovery and change can be as exciting as a new relationship; driving gleefully into the future with renewed hopes and dreams. Fear is what usually holds us back. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of death. Put all of your fears aside and go for it. The unknown can be a wonderful and rewarding future. Focus on the image of a door opening to a paradise you never imagined existed; more often than not, we have the ability to manifest our dreams. I choose to manifest those dreams while I am still alive.

Travel Update

Going to Nantes, France Wednesday. There is a heatwave in this part of the world and the Airbnb I booked way back is not air conditioned. The owner claims it stays cool in the apartment, but I’m not convinced. I have booked a hotel room just in case. Pornic will be cooler (second half of trip) by the time I arrive there, so I think I’ll be okay. Fact is I don’t sleep well in extreme temperatures.

More travel after this trip — my next blog will include an update.

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Navigating Feelings

“Feelings that come back, are feelings that never left.”

— anonymous

I got feelings, you got feelings, we all got feelings . . . truth right; poetic even? Lately I feel like I’m feeling too much; too much is wrong with the world and I have the feeling that it isn’t going to get any better anytime soon. I’m wondering how to remain positive when everything around me is falling apart.

Is it okay to laugh when there is so much to cry about? Is failure to turn on the news or “like” your friends’ posts on Facebook, the same as living with your head in the sand? I’m not sure out of sight, out of mind is such a bad thing these days. It seems like self-preservation is the only tool that has any usefulness and my toolbox is half-empty, said the optimist.

Everybody wants to give you advice on how to make the best of it; why you should be grateful; remind you of all of the abundance in your life, but what if you’re just not feeling it? Are you the problem or the solution? For me, the answer is neither. I am neither complicit or the cure; what I am is human. Human beings feel and sometimes deeply.

My capacity to temper, hide, and/or come to terms with my feelings, has been one of the greatest challenges of my life. Empathy is good; however, when feeling the pain of others weighs you down to the point of stagnation, it’s time to reassess. Time to find a way to shut it down, switch it off, cover it up, and walk away. Don’t ask if it’s right or just, remind yourself that there are limits and that you are no good to yourself or anyone else when you have gone beyond those limits and you can no longer yank yourself out of bed.

Me First and the Face of Deception

We all know people who appear perfect. How does she do it? Why does he have all the luck? Who does she think she is and why can’t I be more like her?

You don’t have to go deeper than just below the surface to see that trouble and pain are being hidden, with the hope of never being discovered. That knowledge alone should help us to be more forgiving, but we’re not. We beat each other up and judge as if we ourselves have cornered the market on perfection. The moment we accept that we are all broken, is when we can accept our own flaws.

Why is it So Hard?

Beating yourself up is so much worse than you might realize. It has lasting effects on the psyche and makes you appear weak in the eyes of others. Dark, dark blog this week.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

As I become more aware of my feelings and the reason I experience negative feelings, I have to learn to accept that there are setbacks — times when I do not handle my feelings as well as I would have hoped. It is at these times when I realize patience, forgiveness, and learning from your mistakes are essential for future success.

My Next Move

I have no next move. I will continue to monitor my feelings, knowing that I will never stop feeling and I can do little to control these feelings.

Feeling by Bnxn & Ladipoe (partial lyrics)

Ain’t nobody Realer
Touch down got a couple gees for the dealer
Gang signs out the window my killer
Life getting sweeter no use water dilute my Ribena

So we toast to the good life
Every minute to the full cos I could die
Pull up open doors then it’s suicide yeah
16 bad woop and they all by the poolside

I like the way I’m feeling now
No come use your Reggae spoil my blues and rhythm now
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I like the way I’m feeling now
Omo e get small thing weh dey stress me but right now I’m chilling now
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I like the way I’m feeling now
No come use your Reggae spoil my blues and rhythm now
No no oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I like the way I’m feeling now
Omo e get small thing weh dey stress me but right now I’m chilling now
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Travel Plans

I travel to discover new places, revisit places that make me feel good, and to recharge the worn out batteries. And of course, to be with friends and family.

Alvor, Portugal, end of July, Nantes and Pornic in mid-August, São Brás de Alportel, Portugal end of August,Toronto, Denver, and Detroit in mid-September, Northern Europe NCL cruise in early October, with some time in London for West End Theatre, Lyon in late November and I’ve decided to stay put in Portugal for Christmas ’22. Florida to be with friends March ’23. Asian cruise on Celebrity November ’23. This cruise has been postponed three times.

“Travel far enough to find yourself.”

— Unknown

Here’s Paco teaching me how to relax:

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Facing Your Fears

Or Choosing to Remain Fearful

Fear is the #1 reason for stress and anxiety in many people today. Fear of death, fear of the future, fear of losing a job, fear of pain, fear of going broke, fear of fear . . .

If you can overcome your fears, you will be way ahead of the game. You will perform better, sleep better, have better and longer lasting relationships, and be an overall happier individual. I sound like a used car salesman, but you have to admit, these are major concerns and goals for most of us.

There are great resources out there for coping with fear. I found one-on-one therapy to be extremely effective. Talk about your fears and work through them with a trained professional; it’s money and time well spent.

Not addressing your fears will only lead to distress and unhappiness. It’s one of the few things in life we can control. I write about this not as an expert, but as a person who has spent a great deal of time working through my fears.

_________________________________________________________________

“The Difference Between Fear and Anxiety,” Very Well Mind, Ankrom, July 8, 2020.

What Is Fear?

Fear is an emotional response to a known or definite threat. If you’re walking down a dark street, for example, and someone points a gun at you and says, “This is a robbery,” then you’d likely experience a fear response. The danger is real, definite, and immediate. There’s a clear and present object of the fear.1

Although the focus of the response is different (real vs. imagined danger), fear and anxiety are interrelated. When faced with fear, most people will experience the physical reactions that are described under anxiety. Fear can cause anxiety, and anxiety can cause fear. But the subtle distinctions between the two give you a better understanding of your symptoms and may be important for treatment strategies.

_______________________________________________________________

Why Fear Can Be Debilitating or A Barrier to Success/Happiness

I have a person in my life who is so afraid of outcomes, it takes her a very long time to make decisions — if and when she even makes them at all. Unfortunately, because sometimes life happens rapidly, opportunities often pass her by. If fear gets in the way of living your life, that’s a huge problem.

There are those who are so fearful of being hurt, emotionally and physically, it stops them from doing important everyday tasks (i.e., driving, crossing the street, confronting someone who is treating them poorly). There are so many others I did not name.

How We Run Away From Fear

Self-awareness is essential and its advantages are vast for so many reasons; however, when it comes to fear, you might be able to name the fear or identify the fear, but you may not have the ability to manage it. I wish I could say concurring fear or managing fear is easy, most of us know it’s not.

How Fear Can Motivate

If you like a good challenge, you may see fear as an opportunity to push through it and come out on top. For example, if heights are a problem for you, but you really want to experience a vista from a mountain or rooftop, if you’re able to manage the fear and climb that mountain, the accomplishment of that task might be a significant reward or pay-off.

A Fear of Mine: I am afraid of my anger. Because I have witnessed physical abuse from someone I care about, I fear becoming abusive. For this reason I check my anger constantly. If I’m in a situation and I feel myself heating up, I walk away. I take deep breaths and I think about my anger and the damage I could do. By managing my anger and defusing it, I can claim my appropriate reaction as a prize. Not only do I get the prize, in addition, I have learned a better way of coping with my anger. Each time I disarm my anger, I improve my response. I’m at a point now where I rarely have to remind myself to back down; it’s almost automatic. My goal is to be completely calm in every situation, not easy for a hothead like me.

Some people become extremely frustrated by my non-reaction; these people like a good fight. Just remember, that’s not your problem or concern. Your concern is your own peace of mind and feeling secure with your behavior.

Another of my fears is losing Paco (my dog). Sometimes this fear is so intense, it prevents me from getting a good night’s sleep. I dwell on what could happen to him. I often think that I cannot imagine what kind of a father I would have been. I’m not sure there is enough therapy in the world. I will admittedly never be completely at peace with this fear.

Overcoming Fear

Even writing about my fears has been tremendously helpful: identify, attack, overcome, and celebrate. Reassess occasionally and reinforce if need be.

Death

A few years ago I was writing my bucket list and I got to #7, “jump out of a plane (skydive).” I wondered what the heck I was waiting for and I made a reservation to do it that very weekend. Procrastinating seemed ridiculous because the only thing stopping me up until that point was the cost. I figured I’d either take the money out of savings and suck it up or lament about it later in life. Honestly, it was one of the most exhilarating things I’ve ever done.

You cannot help but consider death when you’re skydiving. Parachute could get stuck, you could accidently hit a tree or some other large object, you could hit the ground head first, yada yada yada. While free falling and marveling at the world from that height, it occured to me that if I did die, it would be over quickly and it would be a great story: Christopher had an accident skydiving and he died instantly with a smile on his face. Seriously, that’s what I thought. I honestly wasn’t afraid. I’d already been hang gliding, deep sea diving, and raised by a lunatic; I figured I’d survive this too.

I don’t fear death. What I fear is a long, debilitating illness. I can assure you that if I have any say in the matter, this will not be the case. I will have a right to choose and I will choose death with dignity — thank you very much. One of the many things I feel very strongly about.

I checked skydiving off my list and decided I had no reason to ever do it again. Sometimes just getting yourself to do the thing is enough. My bucket list is ever changing. It can be long or short depending on my mood. It’s just a list; as you well know, I love lists.

Relatable?

I hope parts of this blog have been relatable. If your working on a fear and the work your doing is effective, please share so I can relay your success and assist others who might be dealing with a similar challenge. We have more in common than we realize; it boggles my mind that so many of us end up suffering alone.

Concurring my fear of asking for help and being rejected, has been a major challenge. The worst case scenario is a “no” or a “I can’t help.” In this case you learn who your friends are and who you can truly depend on — both good things to know.

I’m hoping I don’t sound preachy or righteous — please tell me if you think that’s the case. Works-in-progress need critical feedback.

Blog Topics

Topics are selected randomly. Sometimes it may be something I’m grappling with; at other times it may be a nagging demon, and perhaps it may be divine intervention.

Upcoming Travel

Alvor, Portugal, end of July, Nantes and Pornic in mid-August, Toronto, Denver, and Detroit in mid-September, Northern Europe NCL cruise in early October, with some time in London for West End Theatre, Lyon in late November and I’ve decided to stay put in Portugal for Christmas.

I couldn’t have said it better myself!
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What I Don’t Miss About My Youth

Not sure of my age here, but clearly younger than I am now.

I used the above photo for two reasons: first I was partying like the devil that night (on Fire Island for a few days), and second, when I look back, I have no desire to return to that time. Naive, blind to the truth and too easily influenced by others. No regrets, just looking forward to the future. I have some control over my future and no control over my past.

Lamenting About What Once Was

It’s so easy to look back and glamorize your past. “I was so much happier then; I was thinner when I ran marathons; there were no signs of age; nothing hurt when I was 20; my problems were small; I had potential partners; the drugs were good and the nights were wild.” You get the picture.

Today, I’m focusing on what I don’t miss. Just a reminder that there is a reason the past is the past, and furthermore, what makes the future so attractive.

What I Don’t Miss

When you’re young and stupid, you make mistakes you can never erase. Enumerating my mistakes would be a waste of time and would bore you to tears. Let’s just say that I did things I’m not proud of and I doubt I am alone in this feeling. Fortunately for me, I lived to tell my story. Being one of the lucky ones who survived is not something I take for granted. At some point I pondered that I could either continue down that rabbit hole of destruction or crawl out of the hole and make a life I could be proud of. The latter was the better choice.

Good Riddance

There are a number of things about being young that I do not miss:

Most importantly for the sake of survival and peace of mind, I do not miss being insecure. If there is one message I can send to the youth it is this: Be true to yourself, embrace your body type, know that you are enough, and forgive yourself. Therapy, failure, and friends who love me dearly, have helped me to become a more secure person.

I do not miss lying to myself and others about my sexuality. I need not say more.

The constant fretting about all the shit I didn’t have … or need.

I spent a bit too much time caring about what people thought of me or anything else. This has been a difficult one to shake, but I confess lately, it’s been easier.

Along the same lines, I wasted far too much time being with people who either only cared about themselves or who cared little about me.

There were battles not worth fighting; I fought some way too hard and lost a little bit of me in the process.

Who among us hasn’t spent way too much time feeling sorry for ourselves?

There was always a voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t be spending time having fun — I needed to be serious and work hard and focus on the future. Most of it was nonsense. That voice has thankfully been snuffed out.

I don’t miss countless hours in the classroom listening to some professor who knew very little about very little. Not always the case, but often the case.

Working for a narcissistic power monger stole years of my life. No one is to blame but me. I don’t miss her or that time of my life.

I have spent too much time on my skin; a delicate coating that has protected me and caused me way too much stress. I’ve mostly shed that burden.

I, for the most part, do not miss my manic, bipolar, sadly broken mother.

Being terrible at sports and beating myself up for it. Marathon running took care of that.

Friends and colleagues (people I thought were friends) who either actively tried to take me down or whose gossip was divisive and hurtful. Not bitter, just glad it’s over.

This process of growing older and looking back can truly help to put things in perspective. Now is the best time of my life. Now I know my truth. Now I know the significance of pain and healing. Now I know and embrace who I am. I understand time and I am grateful for whatever time I have left. Treat me with love, kindness and respect, and I will return the same in spades.

My Previous Blog and the Relocation Dilemma

Thank you for all of the comments and feedback; really good stuff to ponder. I am ravenously pursuing an idea; stay tuned.

Upcoming Travel

Hoping my trip to France in August sticks, but if it does not, it does not. More time with Paco and the Algarve coast.

Older, wiser, more confident and looking forward to whatever comes my way.
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Fighting restless demons . . . again.

From my terrace on a clear night, the Ria Formosa with the Atlantic Ocean behind it.

I personally know a few people who have lived in the same house or apartment for over 40 years. I admire their staying power, but I cannot relate. I have moved no less than 15 times in the last 30 years. I’ve relocated so many times that my friends and family do not trust the address they have in their contacts.

I don’t know why I am this way. I can only guess based on my thoughts, however, messages come in and out of my brain quickly and most don’t stick around very long. I relocated to Faro 4.5 years ago and I haven’t budged (meaning I haven’t moved). In all fairness, we did have a two year pandemic and I am living in a foreign country where moving is complicated. I don’t consider myself impulsive, but recent frustration over a condominium issue has me wondering.

A brief disclaimer: I have a bit of reticence in regards to writing about my living situation. Because I know I have an awesome life, I fear people will think I’m boasting. I have two thoughts about this: first, anyone who believes that to be true doesn’t know me or my intentions, and second, if you believe that, I prefer you to leave now – – do not read any further. This is the way I work out some of my internal battles; many people have told me they find it a useful tool. Anything I have achieved in my life I did on my own; I hardly need validation.

Here’s what I have decided to do: I am going to note all the pros and cons and make a decision based on the weight of either side. I’m completing this exercise on my blog for those of you who struggle with a similar affliction, that of inner conflicts based on little or no facts.

Some Background and Generalizations About Faro

Faro is part of the Algarve and the Algarve is known for its incredible, unbeatable, beyond fantastic . . . weather. It’s sunny over 300 days a years, winter temperatures are moderate compared with many other parts of the world, summers are hot and dry, and fall and spring are glorious. Our trees bloom year round and I do not own a winter coat (not true, I just bought one for a fall cruise to northern Europe). There is a regular breeze off of the Ria Formosa and Atlantic Ocean. And if you’re already wondering why I would leave this slice of paradise, hang tight.

Faro is the capital of the Algarve. We have an international airport (10 minutes from my place), a train that takes you north to Lisbon, Porto, and many other cities, and a regional train that takes you to the border of Spain to the east and to Lagos, west. Faro is a working city — of course there are wealthy people living in Faro, but is is mostly middle class Portuguese people. Faro has a small population of expats and it is surprisingly diverse. Tourism is the number one source of income for most people working here. If I get any of this wrong, my Portuguese/Faro friends will set me straight.

There are restaurants throughout Faro, however, a majority of these eateries are traditional Portuguese restaurants — Portuguese people love Portuguese food; probably true for most cultural groups. In recent years, ethnic restaurants are popping up all over the city: Japanese, Indian, Chinese, Nepalese, Italian; the food scene seems to becoming more sophisticated and varied. You don’t have to go far to encounter other types of international food in nearby cities. For example, there is a Korean restaurant in Alvor that I am crazy about; Alvor is about an hour away by public transportation and Vilamoura to my west, has three Thai restaurants.

The Algarve is in the southernmost part of Portugal; therefore, miles and miles of spectacular beaches line the coast. Faro has a beautiful, long stretch of flat beach you can get to by ferry, bus or car — I prefer to go by ferry. There are many seafood restaurants at the beach and most of them are quite good. Other flat beaches or beaches with spectacular rock formations, are east and west of Faro and can be reached quickly and easily. Off-season is the best time to go: mid-September to mid-to-late June. The tourist season has been expanding in recent years; great for the economy and the locals working in tourism or hospitality.

It’s not the Algarve I am considering leaving, it’s Faro. I told you I’d outline the pros and cons, so you’ll have to wait.

There are some things about the Algarve and Portugal that are typical or pervasive. There is no point outlining those because I’m only considering a move away from Faro. When you do this kind of exercise you have to narrow down your objectives. If I were to move, it would be to another city/town within a 50 mile radius.

Pros to Living in Faro

  • Airport nearby (great if you travel a lot)
  • Trains nearby
  • Excellent medical and dental care (great vet as well)
  • Restaurants are plentiful and open year-round
  • I have made some very nice friends in Faro; friends for life in fact
  • The Ria Formosa
  • Unpretentious
  • Easy walking city
  • The capital of the Algarve where all the main government offices are located
  • My street is wide and full of beautiful foliage
  • One does not need a car (a decent city mini-bus system)
  • Extremely affordable
  • Great food stores and shopping
  • Close to several beautiful towns
  • The marina/downtown area has a lot to offer
  • A very small expat community (I cannot get a poker game together — the only downside). I prefer authenticity.
  • The city is growing and adding amenities
  • A large indoor produce/fish market and a Sunday outdoor market

Cons to Living in Faro

  • My condo neighbors do not want to spend money to beautify the building — some of these individuals can afford it (I’m making an assumption).
  • It’s a nice city, but it’s not a beautiful city
  • A very small expat community
  • The Ria Formosa is in front of the ocean; therefore, you do not have a direct view of the sea — true throughout Faro unless you live at the beach (not my scene).
  • Only one good Italian restaurant. This is a significant con.
  • Many of the friends I spend time with live in Tavira. Most of them do come to Faro to see me.
  • There is a growing number of teenagers who have removed the mufflers on their motorbikes. They ride up and down my street revving their engines and the police do nothing. I jump 10 feet in the air everytime it happens. I feel old typing this.
  • It is a city filled with cigarette smokers. They fill outdoor cafés making it impossible to enjoy outdoor dining (a European problem).

You might look at these lists and say, “Ah, first world problems,” and that would indeed be true. Keep in mind that we all have to keep our lives together and that searching for happiness is a human condition.

If I do move, it would only be where I have a direct sea view.

I have an idea that might help resolve the condo issue, however, I’m not hopeful that it will fly. One of the things that frustrates me about Portugal is that you often float an idea and get back this reply, “We don’t do that here.” or “That wouldn’t work here.” Sometimes you words are met with silence or a shrug; not easy for this problem solver/fixer.

I’m not expecting anyone to have the answers; however, if you’re so inclined, please let me know what you think.

Upcoming Travel

Alvor, Portugal, end of July, Nantes and Pornic in mid-August, Toronto, Denver, and Detroit in mid-September, Northern Europe NCL cruise in early October, with some time in London for West End Theatre, Lyon in late November and I’ve decided to stay put in Portugal for Christmas.

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Being Happy With What You Have

Or Why Are You One Upping Me?

The older I get, the less I understand rivalries. Why are some people so hung up on believing they are better than or have more than someone else? That’s all it is by the way, is a belief. Abundance is an accumulation of material things, yes, but true abundance is about love, joy, family, friends, experiences, memories — these are the things that fill us up; make us whole. All the other things are just that, things. Stuff that makes you happy for a nano of a minute.

Yet, when we are in a social setting, we sit around boasting and comparing what we have accumulated. And it’s not just about things either. I don’t have to give examples, because clearly you know what I’m talking about and we’re all guilty of it on some level, at some point in our lives.

Getting Rid of Shit

When I decided to leave the United States, one of the many positive outcomes was getting rid of all of the crap I had accumulated over the years. I made a commitment to only take along what was important and necessary. I was able to reduce 59 years of stuff, to three suitcases. The challenge for me was to keep myself from doing it all over again. Could I show restraint at all the new shops I would discover in Europe?

My Plan

What I set out to accomplish was fairly simple . . . only buy things you need. Simple but rather broad. “Need” is difficult to define. Take for example a stylish red chair I recently purchased. Do I need that red chair? Of course the answer is no. However, that red chair has several purposes: 1) a valet for my clothes in my bedroom, 2) a place to sit to put on my shoes, 3) an extra chair for an additional dinner guest, etc. So in fact, I need that chair, but did I need a fancy 350 Euro chair? Could I have just purchased a 10 Euro folding chair?

Mind Games

We talk ourselves into many things on a daily basis. If I do that, then this or if I eat that chocolate cake, I’ll skip lunch or workout twice as hard at the gym. We are masters of deception, but it’s how we humans keep from giving up.

I admitted defeat a long time ago. What I tell myself now serves as a compromise and a guideline. Absolutes no longer apply and that’s a good thing. If you set up roadblocks and restrictions for yourself, you are bound to fail and end up beating yourself up. Who doesn’t do this?

The End of the Day

When all is said and done, you have one person to answer to: yourself. Therefore, if you brag about what you have or buy an expensive car just to impress others, it’s your own reflection that you have to face. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself harshly, well then, good for you. I’m learning life’s lessons the hard way. My intuition tells me that there are only two things that I have that might impress others: integrity and authenticity; everything else is just a shiny object without real meaning.

So when people around me are one upping one another and working hard at being something they are not, I am trying my best to focus on their intentions and my own path going forward. Are they so broken that your opinion of their Rolex matters? If that’s the case, it’s more sad then annoying.

Working hard at being perfect is exhausting. First I have to convince myself that I am enough, then I won’t need to tell you, you will see for yourself.

Upcoming Travel

My trip to Milan to see friends was cancelled by EasyJet. I pouted for five minutes and then rescheduled. The pandemic helped me to realize just how flexible and resilient I can be. Instead, I’ll stay close to home and spend a few days at the beach. Maybe (who knows these days). Nantes/Pornic in August. Toronto, Denver and Detroit in September and Northern Europe in October.

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The Problem With Self-Examination

Some bits about Geneva and Montreux, Switzerland as well

The Rhone runs through Geneva, making it easy to always know where you are.

One of the many reasons I travel is self-reflection. It’s an opportunity to step outside of yourself and examine who you are. I’m not sure why, but it’s easier to see things clearly when you’re away from home. This will not be a “let’s pity Chris” blog. I know who I am, I know who I’d like to be, and most importantly, I’m learning to accept all of it. Don’t underestimate the power of aging combined with a ticking clock.

I flew to Geneva after a week of watching my little Paco suffer from a serious spider bite and consequential gastroenteritis. At one point I held him in my arms and thought he was fading away; perhaps he was. Fortunately for me he recovered.

Being close to losing someone you love with every ounce of your being, helps you to put the world in perspective. Some will chuckle and think, “For fucks sake Chris, he’s only a dog.” I feel sad that some individuals have never experienced the unconditional love of a pet.

In short, as I reflect on my life back in Faro with Paco, I have come to realize that however brief it may be (in the scheme of things, it will be brief), it is a life I have created and it is a life I am meant to live. The way I see it, there are two ways that I can carry out this plan called living. The first is not an option for me: I could dwell on the past, feel sorry for myself, and wait for death to knock on my door. The more realistic and far more desirable option is to embrace reality, take control, and do my very best. And why not have a little fun in the process.

Happiness for me can be found in food, friendship, family and film — all fs by chance and not in order of preference. Then there is enjoying Paco, reading, playing games, physical stuff like cycling, walking and gym, designing my home, cooking, entertaining and much more. When I look at all that, all I can think is, wow, there are a whole lot of things that make me happy. It’s also true that when you get to be my age, having a day where you don’t pee 96 times and your arthritis isn’t too bad, that’s happiness too.

A Quick Story About My Current Situation

I looked at hotels in Geneva a few months ago. Prices for anything I might find comfortable in the centre of the city, were higher than expected and not within my budget. I try not to go over $150 a night and most hotels were $250 or more a night if you wanted a window — how can you be in a windowless hotel room and breathe? I looked at Airbnb and found what looked like a comfortable room in someone’s flat. A queen size bed is almost always required and a private bathroom is a must. Claudia’s place had all this and good reviews as well.

This magnificent view sealed the deal.

Sitting on Claudia’s balcony, taking in this beautiful Swiss city, helps me make sense of the world. An Airbnb in someone’s home can be less than ideal; listening to them carry out their daily lives, finding privacy, the inability to walk around in your underwear — all considerations. But to be in such a beautiful location, right smack in the centre of the city, for $140 a night, some sacrifices seemed reasonable. Traveling alone makes these decisions a bit easier for me. I don’t think I would do this “share” thing if I had a partner.

Back to Self-Reflection (I like this flow of consciousness thing, I hope you don’t mind)

The problem with self-examination is self-criticism . . . I got it bad. I could tell you what therapists have said over the years, but it would bore the shit out of you and pain me to put it all in writing. The bottom line is that I’m pretty fucking hard on myself. I want to do good, be good, act right and save the world; I want to do it everyday — it’s exhausting. Every time I screw up, I beat myself up and become mad at, well, everything.

I’m not saying that I need to stop reflecting; you all know people who don’t, am I right? People who breeze through life never taking responsibility or holding themselves accountable (very different things by the way; the former can be done without consequences). What I am saying is that me and anyone else involved in self-blame, needs to lighten up. Making mistakes is human and being human means we are bound to make mistakes.

What I Did Recently that I am Not Proud of:

I sort of grabbed a woman’s hands a few weeks ago when she was wrongly entering the train before people could exit. I warned her first and then I tried to pry her hands from the step railings. I stopped myself pretty quickly and backed off, but I am still angry at myself for, 1) touching her, and 2) allowing what she did to bother me. A friend who was present confirmed my cause for guilt, but also reminded me that I stopped when I knew that I was wrong.

They say we’re all a little angry over the pandemic and the war in Ukraine. Add everyone’s personal stuff to the mix and you have one steaming world population. Not an excuse, not a pass to behave badly, merely a fact.

To those who have written to thank me for my candor; I want to say I appreciate that you read my blog and that you encourage me to share my truth.

Geneva and Montreux

Switzerland is high-end folks; almost everything is costly. You honestly can’t even get a burger for less than 12 Swiss Francs (the dollar is almost even right now). And that would be a sad burger indeed. But from where I’m sitting, what you do pay for is quality. All things Swiss seem to be very well made. They have a stable government, a strong economy, good infrastructure, the world’s respect, and it’s becoming much more diverse (immigration).

This was a four night getaway. I am here for three main reasons:

  1. Direct flight from Faro.
  2. I’ve never been.
  3. I liked Zurich a few years back and thought it was time to see another Swiss City.

The airport is only 25 minutes from the center. The #5 bus is the way to go for only three Swiss francs. You can also go by train, however, it does not run as frequently.

The weather is perfect in June and there are fewer tourists than there will be in July and August. I had some rain and clouds my first couple of days (I don’t mind) and then the sun came out for the rest of my trip.

I certainly don’t regret coming, but more and more, I want to be home. That’s what happens when you live in a beautiful place where you have wonderful friends, a pet, and good pillows to rest your head on.

I’ll share some observations about Geneva and Montreux: both places are walkable, excellent public transportation, and lots and lots of dining options.

I recommend La Rouvenaz in Montreux: fresh fish deliciously prepared (sole pictured), pretty reasonable considering, beautiful setting, and excellent service. Dessert pictured was from a coffee shop, not La Rouvenaz. That carrot cake was probably one of the best I’ve ever eaten; however, I always say that the setting helps enhance the taste.

Bap Korean, Geneva. Excellent Korean food. I always seek out a good Korean meal when I travel. Faro does not have a Korean restaurant. When they finally get one, I will be their best customer.

Ka Chon Thai. Authentic, tasty and great atmosphere. The chicken curry, coconut soup blew me away.

An abundance of excellent ethnic and street food.

Other Geneva tips: Victoria Hall for music (a bit garish, but fantastic acoustics), walk as much as possible, see Geneva by night, and stay away from the casino (even though I won some play money (money that is not mine, that I can play with) at the Texas holdem’ table). Trains in Europe (not Portugal) have become expensive. Go on-line and there are discount sites where you can purchase reduced price tickets, but you have to plan a bit in advance for really good discounts.

A Festival Outside My Airbnb Door Today

It was early morning before the crowds. My time to show up.

Sometimes shit just falls into your lap. Once a year, Geneva has a street sale where locals sell the crap they want to get rid of. It goes on for over a kilometer and right outside my door is where the bandshell and street food are located. I picked up a winter coat for my Northern Europe (October) and Norway (January) cruises. It’s been worn a couple of times and I bargained it down to 15 francs — it’s worth over 100 so there you go. I also got a scarf for Paco’s sitter and two great hats. They’ll have music and food all day, so I’m ditching my Museum of Natural History plans. It’s a beautiful day and I belong outside — after my seafood lunch of course. Off to Brasserie Lipp; I think it’s going to be excellent — I’ll let you know.

Truly memorable meal: Bird came to share my bread, bone marrow, and rock fish soup. Delicious food, beautiful garden setting, great service and a good value. I’d do it again in a quick minute.

The Old Town is hilly, but historic and worth a visit. Don’t waste your time at the Patek Philippe Museum; all they want is for you to buy a very expensive watch. They have no business luring you in by calling it a museum . . . it’s a shop.

Home to Faro and Paco tomorrow on an early flight. The best part of this trip has been the ability to look in the mirror and smile at my reflection.

Upcoming Travel

Milan in July, followed by Nantes/Pornic, France in August, Canada, Denver and Detroit in September, Northern Europe Norwegian Cruise in October, and Lyon in November. I’m trying my best to stay home more.

Au revoir jusqu’à la prochaine fois.

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The Sweet Sound of Children’s Voices

A poem illustrating my state of mind

Guns kill, children giggle and hide
Bullets wound, children inspire
Rounds of ammunition in their still growing ears
Laughter, hope and lives shattered

How dare we righteously protect the right to own a gun
Disregard souls alive with innocence
How dare we ignore the pain of the unimaginable
Powerful gun owners; sanctimonious and pious

Do you hear the children's voices
Do you hear their cries of pain
Are you so broken that you cannot hear them
Can your head rest so easily on their tiny coffins

Stop and listen to the silence
What you cannot hear is a life cut short
If numbness and the absence of empathy prevail
We will weep tears of blood forevermore

Gun laws, politics and righteous indignation:
Gun lobbyists, bought politicians and second amendment rights demonstrators; all evil forces at work as we mourn innocent lives lost. I am so angry at humankind; I wretch and squeeze my fists with rage. Tell me what to do and I will do it.

Posted on by CP · 7 Comments

Coming to Terms

Acceptance Part II and a Bit of Amsterdam

I’ve been trying to change several things about myself for a long, long time. Age helps you realize that there are things we cannot change. Acceptance is healthier and easier.

I’m in Amsterdam; a very tidy, liberal and picturesque city. It’s easy to walk and reflect, sit by a canal and ponder, or just allow your mind to wonder aimlessly. I write about acceptance a lot, I know. I have come to learn that denial is not sustainable or attractive.

I’m trying hard, I truly am

Today is a good day to be grateful. It’s a beautiful spring day and I’m seeing a friend I rarely get to see. Today is not a day for feeling sorry for myself. Someone outside looking in might think I have nothing to sulk about, but in truth our demons can be invisible to others.

Today is more about acceptance. I apologize a lot, too much I think. I shouldn’t have said that, I should be more sensitive to how you’re feeling, I’m an idiot. Yes, I have uttered these words because I want to be liked and make myself smaller; less of a bully perhaps.

I am learning to accept the following:

I have physical limitations.

I beat my body up running marathons when I was young and fit and now I’m paying for it. There are things I can do to minimize the discomfort, but to say it’s frustrating is an understatement. Giving up some of the activities I was loved has been difficult. I’m finding news ways to challenge myself and push through the pain. This is one of those issues I believe you have to experience to truly understand the mental and emotional impact.

I am an older man.

When you have a voice inside your head saying you’re young and vital, it’s natural to believe it’s true. In truth, it’s better for me to accept reality. I am 63. It took some time and life experiences to get here. Embracing the truth and planning for the future will serve me well. Messages from the media and others may lead you to think you are done with the best part of your life; I know in my heart that the best is yet to come.

I am not the sharpest tack in the box.

This is not me being self-deprecating. I having always been aware of my intellectual limitations. I work hard to be informed and I use my average intelligence to gain as much knowledge as is possible. I think it’s unfortunate to believe you are smarter than you actually are. Humility and acceptance are better qualities for getting along with others. Some mistake humilty for conceit, but that’s more their problem than mine.

I may never love again.

It’s not sad or self-defeating or giving-up, it’s truth. I have been very fortunate to have been deeply in love multiple times. I know the space you have to be in to allow yourself to feel deep, unselfish, passionate love. For reasons I’m choosing not to divulge, I am not currently in this space. I hope that I will someday open myself up to these intense feelings, but for now I am happy to continue to fall in love with myself. Some say that this is necessary for the former to happen. I don’t know what is true for others; what I do know for certain, is that I have a lot to learn before I can give and receive a lasting love. The good news is that I embrace this truth and I accept what is or is not to be.

I like my creature comforts.

I have come to learn that there are many things I no longer wish to endure:

  • Two foot snow banks that I have dig my way out of.
  • People who are not genuine.
  • Individuals who lack empathy and understanding.
  • Lies
  • Drama
  • A twin bed
  • A man who is not a car mechanic and has dirt under his fingernails.
  • An excess amount of cologne or gnarly toenails.
  • People who talk and talk and do not listen.
  • People who ask you how you are, but couldn’t care less.
  • People who cut to the front of the line.
  • Haters

Try this exercise; it’s good to read these back to yourself and feel good about your list.

Many of you will read this and think it’s poppycock and ridiculous, others will relate, and still others will wonder why I am sharing such inane thoughts. It’s all good.

Amsterdam

What I can tell you about Amsterdam, is that it’s worth visiting: beauty everywhere, wonderful people who for the most part speak English, culturally rich and diverse, great food, easy to get around, not cheap but not London, and a good place for reflection.

See subscribe buttons on previous posts, not sure why but I couldn’t add it on my phone app. I promise to add it when I get home.

Heading home Wednesday for a long awaited visit from my good friend David. I have a few trips in the next few months… To be continued.

Note:

This was the first time I have gone on holiday and left my laptop at home. Writing on a phone is not easy when your fingers are the size large sausages. Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors.

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

Adjusting to a New Body and A Different Mindset

Not me, but he gets it

One of the difficult facts one must face when you grow older: we live in a world shaped and dominated by the young. I’m not mad about this, it’s just a fact. It’s difficult to shield your eyes from beautiful young people everywhere. It’s a reminder of two things: 1) you’re not young anymore, and 2) you’re not young anymore. I was never the “turn heads” stud I secretly wanted to be. I was average looking with decent pecs. I accepted this fact knowing that if I added a bit of charm and a big sincere smile, I could probably nab a beau or two in my lifetime. And I did.

Now if someone looks my way, it’s usually just to make sure I’m still breathing. I jest of course, but the plain truth is, my number in years is rising while my chest, chin, and buttocks, are falling. I can either accept it or call it quits — I think the former is the best option. So what does that mean?

I’ve written about aging before. The older you get, the more you think about it. How can you not think about it?

Truth & Acceptance

Reality sucks. Coming to terms with loss is never easy. Losing one’s youth is no exception. We troubled old folk, go through the stages of grief, and I seem to be stuck on #6. I’ve been working through these feelings for a long time.

The 7 stages of grief (according to Google and who knows better than Google?)

  1. Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
  2. Pain and guilt. …
  3. Anger and bargaining. …
  4. Depression. …
  5. The upward turn. …
  6. Reconstruction and working through…
  7. Acceptance and hope.

Some of the Awful Things an Aging Body Experiences (I’ve been spared a few on the following list):

  • leakage (I refuse to describe this)
  • arthritis
  • teeth issues (rotting, staining, infection, loss, Periodontitis, etc.)
  • tendonitis
  • prostate enlargement and cancer
  • bunions
  • interrupted sleep
  • skin cancer
  • diabetes
  • reflux
  • excessive and uncontrollable gas
  • back pain
  • fungus in hard to reach places
  • memory loss

Okay, I’ll stop. It’s way too disturbing to continue.

Some Ridiculous Affirmations and Mind Games that Work

Some of these I have done and continue to do in order to feel better and cope:

  • The gym makes me feel like I’m doing something about slowing the process.
  • Stretching for about 10 minutes helps loosen me up and alleviates some of the arthritis pain.
  • I “try” to keep my weight now — a lifelong struggle.
  • I tell myself that my body is just a vessel.
  • I compensate for certain body issues by covering those parts with clothing (i.e., longer t-shirts, higher waisted pants). I’m not ready for a man bra, but I’m getting there.
  • I still get an occasional pimple, therefore, I must still be adolescent, no?
  • I tell myself I never liked sports anyway.
  • Meditation
  • I daydream about the past and then let it go (for that moment)
  • I blog. Sometimes (like now), it makes me feel worse.

Can’t Reverse the Process So You Might As Well Make the Best of it

There are a few things that happen as you grow older that are truly wonderful and worth noting. Not that any young person will read this and think, “Oh wow, can’t wait for that to happen.”

  • There is a lot of crap you no longer care about. For example, caring about what people think. If you no longer have to worry about job security or a place at your brother-in-law’s Easter table, what certain people say or think becomes insignificant and that feels really good.
  • If sweat pants feel good on you, you can live in them.
  • Paying off your own college loan debt is no longer worrisome.
  • The closer you get to dying, the less you worry about it. Not speaking for everyone here. As the years go on and you experience more and more death, you realize how inevitable it is. You also start to feel your years physically and think at some point I’m going to want to rest . . . eternally.
  • Your lifelong friends will pretty much accept any stupid thing that comes out of your mouth and you, them.
  • I have read that your taste buds lose their ability to distinguish between certain levels of taste and that this causes a suppressed appetite (not so far, I’m waiting).
  • If I want to go to bed at 9:00 a.m., no one can stop me.
  • Thankfully, most older folks are not tethered to their cell phones. I say most because I know a few who are.

I’m struggling with coming up with this list. I feel like I’m reaching.

You’re Only As Old As You Feel — Research Says So

I’m waiting for some magic pill that turns you into a twenty-something year old for 24 hours. You can stay awake, feel no pain, wear form-fitting attire, dance the night away, attract others with similar desires, and wake-up without regrets.

Two Things to add to the last blog post publishing:

  1. You can no longer fly to Toulouse on an EasyJet direct flight from Faro. I’m not sure why or if they’ll ever bring back the route. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Instead, I will be returning to Lyon; a city in France I also love. Side note: I did a search and found this strange airline called Volotea. It’s a low budget Spanish Airline that will fly you to Toulouse for next to nothing and then quadruple the return flight. I won’t even consider using them unless I book a flight without a return.
  2. I wrapped up my last blog before leaving Toulouse. I wanted to share that I enjoyed a wonderful Easter lunch at Café Maurice in the centre of Toulouse (see photos below). They opened the entire front of the restaurant because the weather was ideal for fresh air and al fresco dining. I sat inside close to the open doors to avoid the smokers. Europeans are still big smokers. Everything about this restaurant is done well.

I also had excellent Korean food in Toulouse; I can’t get Korean in Faro and I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

Traveling to Berlin on the 29th of this month for one week. I’m looking forward to returning to a vibrant, artsy, and fairly close to Faro, city. Amsterdam, Geneva, Milan and a northern Europe cruise after that. And after years of wondering what has happened to detroit, I’ll be going in September (part of a bigger trip to be fleshed out).