Papagni Pages

Category: The Things I’ve Learned

  • If it Were My Last 24 Hours on Earth

    “No one here gets out alive.” — Jim Morrison

    Reblog Nov. 2019 (with additions)

    Not to worry, not checking out anytime soon, just reminding myself how fragile life can be. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone; therefore, I think it’s best for me to respond in the abstract and not name names.What if you knew that you were going to die and you had 24 hours or less left to live? Would you want to be surrounded by those you love? Would you run away and hide from everyone? Would you tell people you cared about? Would you share things you have been holding back? Would you look back at memories? Would you end your life sooner in order to control the situation?These are the kinds of questions I ask myself when considering just how finite life is.  And by the way, the questions come up occasionally, not every day. There are statistics that guide us when we consider our lifespan. There are formulas based on how long your parents lived. Then there are calculations based on lifestyle. Genetics sometimes come into play. However, an accident may make all of those theories insignificant and irrelevant.I had a pretty bad accident a couple of years ago that made me question life, death, and how I feel about both. Up until the accident I was fairly certain that I would grow old and cranky. If I’m going to be honest, I have to say I’m well on my way.I attended a dinner party a few days ago and raised my blog topic for this week. It’s interesting to hear what people have to say in a relaxed social setting. I don’t usually share my own thoughts until after I’ve heard from others. As with any difficult subject, some people prefer to avoid the matter altogether and this time was no different. One of the things I love about people is how very unique we all are. It’s for this reason that I try my best not to judge. Our prospective can be polar opposite based on things like upbringing, religious beliefs, the truth we hold on to, and so forth. I would be untruthful if I didn’t admit to feeling strongly about my own beliefs; the power of personal conviction is essential for many reasons. Keeping that in mind, I don’t claim to be right, but I do think that what I am espousing is true for me; sometimes, that’s all that truly matters.I posed the question to a small group of people sitting at the table after lunch:If you knew you had 24 hours or less to live, what would you do? The answers I got were interesting and understandable:”I wouldn’t change anything; I’d want it to be a normal day.””I wouldn’t tell anyone because all they would do is cry and pity me.””I would be with a very small group of people I love very much.””I wouldn’t do very much because I would want time to slow down. When you do a lot of things, time speeds up.””I might consider ending my life sooner — when I decided it should end.””I would have a couple of conversations I have been avoiding.””Why, do you know something I don’t know?”The thing is, do we truly know how we would behave until we are actually in a particular life altering situation? I could easily say I wouldn’t tell anyone that I was going to die, but in truth, if I knew it was the end and I became extremely emotional or scared, I might need to tell or want to tell someone.What follows are some thoughts on why we live our lives as if there is no expiration date:I love this poignant comic included in Brian Lee’s piece on living life as if we’re never going to die at Lifehack. Check out www.zenpencils.com.

    • We are complex creatures with hopes, fears, frailties and misgivings. Our highly developed brains allow us to tuck away thoughts and focus on things that make us feel good; I should note that some of us are better at this than others. We often behave as if our daily actions do not have consequences for the future. Vices and health related toxins are often imbibed or eaten without concern for longevity. It’s a curious human occurrence considering that most of us would like to grow old. So what drives us to recklessness? It’s as if there is a little switch in our brains that we choose to turn off when desire overpowers restraint.It is no accident that the precise timing of our death is unknown. Imagine the chaos and emotional instability that would ensue. I think that animals have a better sense of death and what it means than we do and, therefore, have better dying coping skills. I’ve been with several dogs at the end of their lives and the sense of peace and acceptance I felt from these animals was both life affirming and beautiful. We live and we die and that is the true miracle of life.As I consider complicated mechanisms for denial and delusion, it once again brings me to how I might deal with knowing when my own demise is just around the corner. Here are some thoughts that come to mind (not necessarily in order of importance):

      1. There is no doubt in my mind that I would want to truly enjoy the wonders of the earth. The sunrise and sunset continue to amaze me and I take both in as often as possible. The smell of flowers and the feel of earth between my fingers, gives me great pleasure. I can only imagine that knowing these wonders would no longer be accessible would heighten my desire to experience them.The people in my life who have shown me love and devotion would be on my mind at the end; I would hope that these cherished few would be nearby. I would want to let them know how much I love and appreciate them. I still do not know that I would share the inevitability of my passing. We all know that we should be showing our love and appreciation often, not waiting until we are sick or dying.I have loved food since I could smell my dad’s pizza in the oven when I was a wee toddler. My relationship with good food has never waivered and I hope I remain true to my passion until the day I die. I have been reading research about taste buds and how our sense of taste diminishes with age. I refuse to believe that this applies to me. My father and aunts and uncles on my father’s side, all enjoyed savory dishes well into their 80s. If I knew that my death was near, I would want to devour my favorite foods:  shellfish, pasta and cake and a nice red of course. I know that knowing it was almost over would probably have an effect on my appetite; however, knowing how I sometimes eat and drink to feel better, I imagine I’d be hungry and thirsty. A very expensive armagnac would be a must have. Being present and cherishing every moment of what life I have left, would likely be my mode of thinking and feeling. I have never feared death, therefore, I’m fairly certain I would be at peace with it.I would want to be comfortable; the right temperature, the right place, and the right people around me. I would probably want to be on a good dose of xanax.

      2. I have had many people in my life pass:  my grandparents (three before I was even born), my parents, several siblings, close friends, teachers, co-workers and acquaintances. My mother’s brother died of a massive heart attack in his 50’s; how could I not consider the possibility of dying at anytime? Personally, I don’t find this morbid or sad.

      3. Long ago I decided that if I had a fatal illness, I would travel (if I could) to a place where you could choose to die with dignity. If this were to happen, I would have an opportunity to decide how I would spend my final hours; all of this provides great comfort. I am not obsessed with dying, I am focused on living and making sure my quality of life is the best it can be.

        The purpose of this blog is twofold. First, it is my hope that it will get you thinking about how you live your daily life; what are your priorities and do you consider and cherish the people and things that bring you the greatest happiness. Second, it is my belief that we as individuals have the power to change the course and direction of our lives. I felt stuck, misguided and unhappy in Maine. It wasn’t so much the place or the people, but an environment that was too comfortable and unchallenging. I moved to Europe in order to reboot, recharge, and start afresh. It’s not right for everyone, but it has taught me more about myself than I anticipated. Self-discovery and change can be as exciting as a new relationship; driving gleefully into the future with renewed hopes and dreams. Fear is what usually holds us back. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of death. Put all of your fears aside and go for it. The unknown can be a wonderful and rewarding future. Focus on the image of a door opening to a paradise you never imagined existed; more often than not, we have the ability to manifest our dreams. I choose to manifest those dreams while I am still alive.

    Travel Update

    Going to Nantes, France Wednesday. There is a heatwave in this part of the world and the Airbnb I booked way back is not air conditioned. The owner claims it stays cool in the apartment, but I’m not convinced. I have booked a hotel room just in case. Pornic will be cooler (second half of trip) by the time I arrive there, so I think I’ll be okay. Fact is I don’t sleep well in extreme temperatures.

    More travel after this trip — my next blog will include an update.

  • Facing Your Fears

    Or Choosing to Remain Fearful

    Fear is the #1 reason for stress and anxiety in many people today. Fear of death, fear of the future, fear of losing a job, fear of pain, fear of going broke, fear of fear . . .

    If you can overcome your fears, you will be way ahead of the game. You will perform better, sleep better, have better and longer lasting relationships, and be an overall happier individual. I sound like a used car salesman, but you have to admit, these are major concerns and goals for most of us.

    There are great resources out there for coping with fear. I found one-on-one therapy to be extremely effective. Talk about your fears and work through them with a trained professional; it’s money and time well spent.

    Not addressing your fears will only lead to distress and unhappiness. It’s one of the few things in life we can control. I write about this not as an expert, but as a person who has spent a great deal of time working through my fears.

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    “The Difference Between Fear and Anxiety,” Very Well Mind, Ankrom, July 8, 2020.

    What Is Fear?

    Fear is an emotional response to a known or definite threat. If you’re walking down a dark street, for example, and someone points a gun at you and says, “This is a robbery,” then you’d likely experience a fear response. The danger is real, definite, and immediate. There’s a clear and present object of the fear.1

    Although the focus of the response is different (real vs. imagined danger), fear and anxiety are interrelated. When faced with fear, most people will experience the physical reactions that are described under anxiety. Fear can cause anxiety, and anxiety can cause fear. But the subtle distinctions between the two give you a better understanding of your symptoms and may be important for treatment strategies.

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    Why Fear Can Be Debilitating or A Barrier to Success/Happiness

    I have a person in my life who is so afraid of outcomes, it takes her a very long time to make decisions — if and when she even makes them at all. Unfortunately, because sometimes life happens rapidly, opportunities often pass her by. If fear gets in the way of living your life, that’s a huge problem.

    There are those who are so fearful of being hurt, emotionally and physically, it stops them from doing important everyday tasks (i.e., driving, crossing the street, confronting someone who is treating them poorly). There are so many others I did not name.

    How We Run Away From Fear

    Self-awareness is essential and its advantages are vast for so many reasons; however, when it comes to fear, you might be able to name the fear or identify the fear, but you may not have the ability to manage it. I wish I could say concurring fear or managing fear is easy, most of us know it’s not.

    How Fear Can Motivate

    If you like a good challenge, you may see fear as an opportunity to push through it and come out on top. For example, if heights are a problem for you, but you really want to experience a vista from a mountain or rooftop, if you’re able to manage the fear and climb that mountain, the accomplishment of that task might be a significant reward or pay-off.

    A Fear of Mine: I am afraid of my anger. Because I have witnessed physical abuse from someone I care about, I fear becoming abusive. For this reason I check my anger constantly. If I’m in a situation and I feel myself heating up, I walk away. I take deep breaths and I think about my anger and the damage I could do. By managing my anger and defusing it, I can claim my appropriate reaction as a prize. Not only do I get the prize, in addition, I have learned a better way of coping with my anger. Each time I disarm my anger, I improve my response. I’m at a point now where I rarely have to remind myself to back down; it’s almost automatic. My goal is to be completely calm in every situation, not easy for a hothead like me.

    Some people become extremely frustrated by my non-reaction; these people like a good fight. Just remember, that’s not your problem or concern. Your concern is your own peace of mind and feeling secure with your behavior.

    Another of my fears is losing Paco (my dog). Sometimes this fear is so intense, it prevents me from getting a good night’s sleep. I dwell on what could happen to him. I often think that I cannot imagine what kind of a father I would have been. I’m not sure there is enough therapy in the world. I will admittedly never be completely at peace with this fear.

    Overcoming Fear

    Even writing about my fears has been tremendously helpful: identify, attack, overcome, and celebrate. Reassess occasionally and reinforce if need be.

    Death

    A few years ago I was writing my bucket list and I got to #7, “jump out of a plane (skydive).” I wondered what the heck I was waiting for and I made a reservation to do it that very weekend. Procrastinating seemed ridiculous because the only thing stopping me up until that point was the cost. I figured I’d either take the money out of savings and suck it up or lament about it later in life. Honestly, it was one of the most exhilarating things I’ve ever done.

    You cannot help but consider death when you’re skydiving. Parachute could get stuck, you could accidently hit a tree or some other large object, you could hit the ground head first, yada yada yada. While free falling and marveling at the world from that height, it occured to me that if I did die, it would be over quickly and it would be a great story: Christopher had an accident skydiving and he died instantly with a smile on his face. Seriously, that’s what I thought. I honestly wasn’t afraid. I’d already been hang gliding, deep sea diving, and raised by a lunatic; I figured I’d survive this too.

    I don’t fear death. What I fear is a long, debilitating illness. I can assure you that if I have any say in the matter, this will not be the case. I will have a right to choose and I will choose death with dignity — thank you very much. One of the many things I feel very strongly about.

    I checked skydiving off my list and decided I had no reason to ever do it again. Sometimes just getting yourself to do the thing is enough. My bucket list is ever changing. It can be long or short depending on my mood. It’s just a list; as you well know, I love lists.

    Relatable?

    I hope parts of this blog have been relatable. If your working on a fear and the work your doing is effective, please share so I can relay your success and assist others who might be dealing with a similar challenge. We have more in common than we realize; it boggles my mind that so many of us end up suffering alone.

    Concurring my fear of asking for help and being rejected, has been a major challenge. The worst case scenario is a “no” or a “I can’t help.” In this case you learn who your friends are and who you can truly depend on — both good things to know.

    I’m hoping I don’t sound preachy or righteous — please tell me if you think that’s the case. Works-in-progress need critical feedback.

    Blog Topics

    Topics are selected randomly. Sometimes it may be something I’m grappling with; at other times it may be a nagging demon, and perhaps it may be divine intervention.

    Upcoming Travel

    Alvor, Portugal, end of July, Nantes and Pornic in mid-August, Toronto, Denver, and Detroit in mid-September, Northern Europe NCL cruise in early October, with some time in London for West End Theatre, Lyon in late November and I’ve decided to stay put in Portugal for Christmas.

    I couldn’t have said it better myself!

  • What I Don’t Miss About My Youth

    Not sure of my age here, but clearly younger than I am now.

    I used the above photo for two reasons: first I was partying like the devil that night (on Fire Island for a few days), and second, when I look back, I have no desire to return to that time. Naive, blind to the truth and too easily influenced by others. No regrets, just looking forward to the future. I have some control over my future and no control over my past.

    Lamenting About What Once Was

    It’s so easy to look back and glamorize your past. “I was so much happier then; I was thinner when I ran marathons; there were no signs of age; nothing hurt when I was 20; my problems were small; I had potential partners; the drugs were good and the nights were wild.” You get the picture.

    Today, I’m focusing on what I don’t miss. Just a reminder that there is a reason the past is the past, and furthermore, what makes the future so attractive.

    What I Don’t Miss

    When you’re young and stupid, you make mistakes you can never erase. Enumerating my mistakes would be a waste of time and would bore you to tears. Let’s just say that I did things I’m not proud of and I doubt I am alone in this feeling. Fortunately for me, I lived to tell my story. Being one of the lucky ones who survived is not something I take for granted. At some point I pondered that I could either continue down that rabbit hole of destruction or crawl out of the hole and make a life I could be proud of. The latter was the better choice.

    Good Riddance

    There are a number of things about being young that I do not miss:

    Most importantly for the sake of survival and peace of mind, I do not miss being insecure. If there is one message I can send to the youth it is this: Be true to yourself, embrace your body type, know that you are enough, and forgive yourself. Therapy, failure, and friends who love me dearly, have helped me to become a more secure person.

    I do not miss lying to myself and others about my sexuality. I need not say more.

    The constant fretting about all the shit I didn’t have … or need.

    I spent a bit too much time caring about what people thought of me or anything else. This has been a difficult one to shake, but I confess lately, it’s been easier.

    Along the same lines, I wasted far too much time being with people who either only cared about themselves or who cared little about me.

    There were battles not worth fighting; I fought some way too hard and lost a little bit of me in the process.

    Who among us hasn’t spent way too much time feeling sorry for ourselves?

    There was always a voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t be spending time having fun — I needed to be serious and work hard and focus on the future. Most of it was nonsense. That voice has thankfully been snuffed out.

    I don’t miss countless hours in the classroom listening to some professor who knew very little about very little. Not always the case, but often the case.

    Working for a narcissistic power monger stole years of my life. No one is to blame but me. I don’t miss her or that time of my life.

    I have spent too much time on my skin; a delicate coating that has protected me and caused me way too much stress. I’ve mostly shed that burden.

    I, for the most part, do not miss my manic, bipolar, sadly broken mother.

    Being terrible at sports and beating myself up for it. Marathon running took care of that.

    Friends and colleagues (people I thought were friends) who either actively tried to take me down or whose gossip was divisive and hurtful. Not bitter, just glad it’s over.

    This process of growing older and looking back can truly help to put things in perspective. Now is the best time of my life. Now I know my truth. Now I know the significance of pain and healing. Now I know and embrace who I am. I understand time and I am grateful for whatever time I have left. Treat me with love, kindness and respect, and I will return the same in spades.

    My Previous Blog and the Relocation Dilemma

    Thank you for all of the comments and feedback; really good stuff to ponder. I am ravenously pursuing an idea; stay tuned.

    Upcoming Travel

    Hoping my trip to France in August sticks, but if it does not, it does not. More time with Paco and the Algarve coast.

    Older, wiser, more confident and looking forward to whatever comes my way.

  • Being Happy With What You Have

    Or Why Are You One Upping Me?

    The older I get, the less I understand rivalries. Why are some people so hung up on believing they are better than or have more than someone else? That’s all it is by the way, is a belief. Abundance is an accumulation of material things, yes, but true abundance is about love, joy, family, friends, experiences, memories — these are the things that fill us up; make us whole. All the other things are just that, things. Stuff that makes you happy for a nano of a minute.

    Yet, when we are in a social setting, we sit around boasting and comparing what we have accumulated. And it’s not just about things either. I don’t have to give examples, because clearly you know what I’m talking about and we’re all guilty of it on some level, at some point in our lives.

    Getting Rid of Shit

    When I decided to leave the United States, one of the many positive outcomes was getting rid of all of the crap I had accumulated over the years. I made a commitment to only take along what was important and necessary. I was able to reduce 59 years of stuff, to three suitcases. The challenge for me was to keep myself from doing it all over again. Could I show restraint at all the new shops I would discover in Europe?

    My Plan

    What I set out to accomplish was fairly simple . . . only buy things you need. Simple but rather broad. “Need” is difficult to define. Take for example a stylish red chair I recently purchased. Do I need that red chair? Of course the answer is no. However, that red chair has several purposes: 1) a valet for my clothes in my bedroom, 2) a place to sit to put on my shoes, 3) an extra chair for an additional dinner guest, etc. So in fact, I need that chair, but did I need a fancy 350 Euro chair? Could I have just purchased a 10 Euro folding chair?

    Mind Games

    We talk ourselves into many things on a daily basis. If I do that, then this or if I eat that chocolate cake, I’ll skip lunch or workout twice as hard at the gym. We are masters of deception, but it’s how we humans keep from giving up.

    I admitted defeat a long time ago. What I tell myself now serves as a compromise and a guideline. Absolutes no longer apply and that’s a good thing. If you set up roadblocks and restrictions for yourself, you are bound to fail and end up beating yourself up. Who doesn’t do this?

    The End of the Day

    When all is said and done, you have one person to answer to: yourself. Therefore, if you brag about what you have or buy an expensive car just to impress others, it’s your own reflection that you have to face. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself harshly, well then, good for you. I’m learning life’s lessons the hard way. My intuition tells me that there are only two things that I have that might impress others: integrity and authenticity; everything else is just a shiny object without real meaning.

    So when people around me are one upping one another and working hard at being something they are not, I am trying my best to focus on their intentions and my own path going forward. Are they so broken that your opinion of their Rolex matters? If that’s the case, it’s more sad then annoying.

    Working hard at being perfect is exhausting. First I have to convince myself that I am enough, then I won’t need to tell you, you will see for yourself.

    Upcoming Travel

    My trip to Milan to see friends was cancelled by EasyJet. I pouted for five minutes and then rescheduled. The pandemic helped me to realize just how flexible and resilient I can be. Instead, I’ll stay close to home and spend a few days at the beach. Maybe (who knows these days). Nantes/Pornic in August. Toronto, Denver and Detroit in September and Northern Europe in October.

  • The Problem With Self-Examination

    Some bits about Geneva and Montreux, Switzerland as well

    The Rhone runs through Geneva, making it easy to always know where you are.

    One of the many reasons I travel is self-reflection. It’s an opportunity to step outside of yourself and examine who you are. I’m not sure why, but it’s easier to see things clearly when you’re away from home. This will not be a “let’s pity Chris” blog. I know who I am, I know who I’d like to be, and most importantly, I’m learning to accept all of it. Don’t underestimate the power of aging combined with a ticking clock.

    I flew to Geneva after a week of watching my little Paco suffer from a serious spider bite and consequential gastroenteritis. At one point I held him in my arms and thought he was fading away; perhaps he was. Fortunately for me he recovered.

    Being close to losing someone you love with every ounce of your being, helps you to put the world in perspective. Some will chuckle and think, “For fucks sake Chris, he’s only a dog.” I feel sad that some individuals have never experienced the unconditional love of a pet.

    In short, as I reflect on my life back in Faro with Paco, I have come to realize that however brief it may be (in the scheme of things, it will be brief), it is a life I have created and it is a life I am meant to live. The way I see it, there are two ways that I can carry out this plan called living. The first is not an option for me: I could dwell on the past, feel sorry for myself, and wait for death to knock on my door. The more realistic and far more desirable option is to embrace reality, take control, and do my very best. And why not have a little fun in the process.

    Happiness for me can be found in food, friendship, family and film — all fs by chance and not in order of preference. Then there is enjoying Paco, reading, playing games, physical stuff like cycling, walking and gym, designing my home, cooking, entertaining and much more. When I look at all that, all I can think is, wow, there are a whole lot of things that make me happy. It’s also true that when you get to be my age, having a day where you don’t pee 96 times and your arthritis isn’t too bad, that’s happiness too.

    A Quick Story About My Current Situation

    I looked at hotels in Geneva a few months ago. Prices for anything I might find comfortable in the centre of the city, were higher than expected and not within my budget. I try not to go over $150 a night and most hotels were $250 or more a night if you wanted a window — how can you be in a windowless hotel room and breathe? I looked at Airbnb and found what looked like a comfortable room in someone’s flat. A queen size bed is almost always required and a private bathroom is a must. Claudia’s place had all this and good reviews as well.

    This magnificent view sealed the deal.

    Sitting on Claudia’s balcony, taking in this beautiful Swiss city, helps me make sense of the world. An Airbnb in someone’s home can be less than ideal; listening to them carry out their daily lives, finding privacy, the inability to walk around in your underwear — all considerations. But to be in such a beautiful location, right smack in the centre of the city, for $140 a night, some sacrifices seemed reasonable. Traveling alone makes these decisions a bit easier for me. I don’t think I would do this “share” thing if I had a partner.

    Back to Self-Reflection (I like this flow of consciousness thing, I hope you don’t mind)

    The problem with self-examination is self-criticism . . . I got it bad. I could tell you what therapists have said over the years, but it would bore the shit out of you and pain me to put it all in writing. The bottom line is that I’m pretty fucking hard on myself. I want to do good, be good, act right and save the world; I want to do it everyday — it’s exhausting. Every time I screw up, I beat myself up and become mad at, well, everything.

    I’m not saying that I need to stop reflecting; you all know people who don’t, am I right? People who breeze through life never taking responsibility or holding themselves accountable (very different things by the way; the former can be done without consequences). What I am saying is that me and anyone else involved in self-blame, needs to lighten up. Making mistakes is human and being human means we are bound to make mistakes.

    What I Did Recently that I am Not Proud of:

    I sort of grabbed a woman’s hands a few weeks ago when she was wrongly entering the train before people could exit. I warned her first and then I tried to pry her hands from the step railings. I stopped myself pretty quickly and backed off, but I am still angry at myself for, 1) touching her, and 2) allowing what she did to bother me. A friend who was present confirmed my cause for guilt, but also reminded me that I stopped when I knew that I was wrong.

    They say we’re all a little angry over the pandemic and the war in Ukraine. Add everyone’s personal stuff to the mix and you have one steaming world population. Not an excuse, not a pass to behave badly, merely a fact.

    To those who have written to thank me for my candor; I want to say I appreciate that you read my blog and that you encourage me to share my truth.

    Geneva and Montreux

    Switzerland is high-end folks; almost everything is costly. You honestly can’t even get a burger for less than 12 Swiss Francs (the dollar is almost even right now). And that would be a sad burger indeed. But from where I’m sitting, what you do pay for is quality. All things Swiss seem to be very well made. They have a stable government, a strong economy, good infrastructure, the world’s respect, and it’s becoming much more diverse (immigration).

    This was a four night getaway. I am here for three main reasons:

    1. Direct flight from Faro.
    2. I’ve never been.
    3. I liked Zurich a few years back and thought it was time to see another Swiss City.

    The airport is only 25 minutes from the center. The #5 bus is the way to go for only three Swiss francs. You can also go by train, however, it does not run as frequently.

    The weather is perfect in June and there are fewer tourists than there will be in July and August. I had some rain and clouds my first couple of days (I don’t mind) and then the sun came out for the rest of my trip.

    I certainly don’t regret coming, but more and more, I want to be home. That’s what happens when you live in a beautiful place where you have wonderful friends, a pet, and good pillows to rest your head on.

    I’ll share some observations about Geneva and Montreux: both places are walkable, excellent public transportation, and lots and lots of dining options.

    I recommend La Rouvenaz in Montreux: fresh fish deliciously prepared (sole pictured), pretty reasonable considering, beautiful setting, and excellent service. Dessert pictured was from a coffee shop, not La Rouvenaz. That carrot cake was probably one of the best I’ve ever eaten; however, I always say that the setting helps enhance the taste.

    Bap Korean, Geneva. Excellent Korean food. I always seek out a good Korean meal when I travel. Faro does not have a Korean restaurant. When they finally get one, I will be their best customer.

    Ka Chon Thai. Authentic, tasty and great atmosphere. The chicken curry, coconut soup blew me away.

    An abundance of excellent ethnic and street food.

    Other Geneva tips: Victoria Hall for music (a bit garish, but fantastic acoustics), walk as much as possible, see Geneva by night, and stay away from the casino (even though I won some play money (money that is not mine, that I can play with) at the Texas holdem’ table). Trains in Europe (not Portugal) have become expensive. Go on-line and there are discount sites where you can purchase reduced price tickets, but you have to plan a bit in advance for really good discounts.

    A Festival Outside My Airbnb Door Today

    It was early morning before the crowds. My time to show up.

    Sometimes shit just falls into your lap. Once a year, Geneva has a street sale where locals sell the crap they want to get rid of. It goes on for over a kilometer and right outside my door is where the bandshell and street food are located. I picked up a winter coat for my Northern Europe (October) and Norway (January) cruises. It’s been worn a couple of times and I bargained it down to 15 francs — it’s worth over 100 so there you go. I also got a scarf for Paco’s sitter and two great hats. They’ll have music and food all day, so I’m ditching my Museum of Natural History plans. It’s a beautiful day and I belong outside — after my seafood lunch of course. Off to Brasserie Lipp; I think it’s going to be excellent — I’ll let you know.

    Truly memorable meal: Bird came to share my bread, bone marrow, and rock fish soup. Delicious food, beautiful garden setting, great service and a good value. I’d do it again in a quick minute.

    The Old Town is hilly, but historic and worth a visit. Don’t waste your time at the Patek Philippe Museum; all they want is for you to buy a very expensive watch. They have no business luring you in by calling it a museum . . . it’s a shop.

    Home to Faro and Paco tomorrow on an early flight. The best part of this trip has been the ability to look in the mirror and smile at my reflection.

    Upcoming Travel

    Milan in July, followed by Nantes/Pornic, France in August, Canada, Denver and Detroit in September, Northern Europe Norwegian Cruise in October, and Lyon in November. I’m trying my best to stay home more.

    Au revoir jusqu’à la prochaine fois.

  • Adjusting to a New Body and A Different Mindset

    Not me, but he gets it

    One of the difficult facts one must face when you grow older: we live in a world shaped and dominated by the young. I’m not mad about this, it’s just a fact. It’s difficult to shield your eyes from beautiful young people everywhere. It’s a reminder of two things: 1) you’re not young anymore, and 2) you’re not young anymore. I was never the “turn heads” stud I secretly wanted to be. I was average looking with decent pecs. I accepted this fact knowing that if I added a bit of charm and a big sincere smile, I could probably nab a beau or two in my lifetime. And I did.

    Now if someone looks my way, it’s usually just to make sure I’m still breathing. I jest of course, but the plain truth is, my number in years is rising while my chest, chin, and buttocks, are falling. I can either accept it or call it quits — I think the former is the best option. So what does that mean?

    I’ve written about aging before. The older you get, the more you think about it. How can you not think about it?

    Truth & Acceptance

    Reality sucks. Coming to terms with loss is never easy. Losing one’s youth is no exception. We troubled old folk, go through the stages of grief, and I seem to be stuck on #6. I’ve been working through these feelings for a long time.

    The 7 stages of grief (according to Google and who knows better than Google?)

    1. Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
    2. Pain and guilt. …
    3. Anger and bargaining. …
    4. Depression. …
    5. The upward turn. …
    6. Reconstruction and working through…
    7. Acceptance and hope.

    Some of the Awful Things an Aging Body Experiences (I’ve been spared a few on the following list):

    • leakage (I refuse to describe this)
    • arthritis
    • teeth issues (rotting, staining, infection, loss, Periodontitis, etc.)
    • tendonitis
    • prostate enlargement and cancer
    • bunions
    • interrupted sleep
    • skin cancer
    • diabetes
    • reflux
    • excessive and uncontrollable gas
    • back pain
    • fungus in hard to reach places
    • memory loss

    Okay, I’ll stop. It’s way too disturbing to continue.

    Some Ridiculous Affirmations and Mind Games that Work

    Some of these I have done and continue to do in order to feel better and cope:

    • The gym makes me feel like I’m doing something about slowing the process.
    • Stretching for about 10 minutes helps loosen me up and alleviates some of the arthritis pain.
    • I “try” to keep my weight now — a lifelong struggle.
    • I tell myself that my body is just a vessel.
    • I compensate for certain body issues by covering those parts with clothing (i.e., longer t-shirts, higher waisted pants). I’m not ready for a man bra, but I’m getting there.
    • I still get an occasional pimple, therefore, I must still be adolescent, no?
    • I tell myself I never liked sports anyway.
    • Meditation
    • I daydream about the past and then let it go (for that moment)
    • I blog. Sometimes (like now), it makes me feel worse.

    Can’t Reverse the Process So You Might As Well Make the Best of it

    There are a few things that happen as you grow older that are truly wonderful and worth noting. Not that any young person will read this and think, “Oh wow, can’t wait for that to happen.”

    • There is a lot of crap you no longer care about. For example, caring about what people think. If you no longer have to worry about job security or a place at your brother-in-law’s Easter table, what certain people say or think becomes insignificant and that feels really good.
    • If sweat pants feel good on you, you can live in them.
    • Paying off your own college loan debt is no longer worrisome.
    • The closer you get to dying, the less you worry about it. Not speaking for everyone here. As the years go on and you experience more and more death, you realize how inevitable it is. You also start to feel your years physically and think at some point I’m going to want to rest . . . eternally.
    • Your lifelong friends will pretty much accept any stupid thing that comes out of your mouth and you, them.
    • I have read that your taste buds lose their ability to distinguish between certain levels of taste and that this causes a suppressed appetite (not so far, I’m waiting).
    • If I want to go to bed at 9:00 a.m., no one can stop me.
    • Thankfully, most older folks are not tethered to their cell phones. I say most because I know a few who are.

    I’m struggling with coming up with this list. I feel like I’m reaching.

    You’re Only As Old As You Feel — Research Says So

    I’m waiting for some magic pill that turns you into a twenty-something year old for 24 hours. You can stay awake, feel no pain, wear form-fitting attire, dance the night away, attract others with similar desires, and wake-up without regrets.

    Two Things to add to the last blog post publishing:

    1. You can no longer fly to Toulouse on an EasyJet direct flight from Faro. I’m not sure why or if they’ll ever bring back the route. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Instead, I will be returning to Lyon; a city in France I also love. Side note: I did a search and found this strange airline called Volotea. It’s a low budget Spanish Airline that will fly you to Toulouse for next to nothing and then quadruple the return flight. I won’t even consider using them unless I book a flight without a return.
    2. I wrapped up my last blog before leaving Toulouse. I wanted to share that I enjoyed a wonderful Easter lunch at Café Maurice in the centre of Toulouse (see photos below). They opened the entire front of the restaurant because the weather was ideal for fresh air and al fresco dining. I sat inside close to the open doors to avoid the smokers. Europeans are still big smokers. Everything about this restaurant is done well.

    I also had excellent Korean food in Toulouse; I can’t get Korean in Faro and I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

    Traveling to Berlin on the 29th of this month for one week. I’m looking forward to returning to a vibrant, artsy, and fairly close to Faro, city. Amsterdam, Geneva, Milan and a northern Europe cruise after that. And after years of wondering what has happened to detroit, I’ll be going in September (part of a bigger trip to be fleshed out).

  • The Four Year Mark

    In Faro, Portugal

    [Pics from home and travel]

    The Past, Present & Future

    Much of the blog below was written at my one year milestone in Portugal. I thought after three years, a pandemic, a great deal of reflection, and trips to many places, I should provide new insights.

    A Brief Overview (I’ll note updates)

    I have pondered living outside of the United States my entire adult life. Until a couple of years ago, the opportunity had not presented itself. I moved to Maine, but it never felt like the right fit. When I’m unhappy I usually consider something I might do to change things up; leaving the country was my best option. I love America and will never give-up my citizenship. You just never know what the future has in store for you. Update: If anything, my decision to keep my U.S. citizenship is even stronger, without any doubt.

    The Highs

    I think the best part of leaving the States has been the ability to gain some perspective. A big move, such as the one I made, forces you to take inventory of your life. I left most of my material belongings behind. I didn’t put my things in storage, I got rid of them. I brought five suitcases full of memories I did not want to part with and clothing I hoped would fit for a long time. The purging of most of my material belongings was a good exercise for me. It made me realize that I can live without so much of what I have accumulated. It was also nice to start fresh. Update: I’ve always enjoyed buying new clothing as the seasons changed and my wardrobe wore out; not sure why, but when I left the U.S. I imagined myself wearing the same thing and buying very few new articles of clothing. After a short period of time I started feeling better about myself and I decided it would be good to wear comfortable, but stylish clothing. I came to Portugal and I found a style that I’m completely comfortable with: casual, smart and mostly cotton. The warmer climate is perfect for cotton fabric and I find the brighter colors and comfortable fit perfect for travel and local outings.

    Having my little Paco (see photo above) in my life has been a wonderful and pleasant surprise. Giorgio is forever in my heart and I am forever grateful that he got me to Portugal and stayed with me until I was all tucked in.

    The people in Portugal are gracious and welcoming. I have never felt like an outsider. I had dinner in a restaurant last week and when the owner learned that I was living in Faro, she gave me her cell number and said that I should call her if I ever needed anything. That’s just one example of the reception I have received. Update: I only went back to that restaurant once. I loved the coconut milk Thai soup and they took it off the menu — damn! It’s still true that Portuguese people are by and large, gracious and warm. I’ve made several close Portuguese friends (Swedish, British, Canadian, Brazilian, French, and German as well).

    Taxes on property are much lower in Portugal. Condo maintenance is one-fourth the cost in Maine and one-tenth of what I paid in New York. Groceries are about 30% less. Insurance costs are a lot lower. There are bargain airlines that allow you to fly for less than 30 euros each way (if you carry a small bag onto the plane — I’ve learned how to pack more efficiently). Sometimes I wonder why things cost so much more in the States.

    I know this is odd, but I had no idea that I would be only a little over two hours away from Seville, Spain and that it was an easy bus ride. It’s been a huge bonus to take two or three-day trips to one of my favorite cities. I love everything about Seville. Spanish culture is very different from Portuguese culture and there’s a whole lot to discover. Update: I actually spend a lot of time in Monte Gordo/Vila Real de Santo Antonio (VRSO)on the Portuguese side of the Spanish border. From there I can take a quick ferry over to Ayamonte, Spain. It’s about an hour by train, very reasonable, and a nice, easy respite. I have also been able to see parts of Spain I had not visited when I travelled with Alejandro.

    The weather in the Algarve is amazing all year-round. With an average 300 days of sunshine, no humidity most of the year, and the temperature never dipping below 45 degrees, I have to say it’s hard to beat. There is often a beautiful breeze in Faro during the summer months because of where we are on the south side of the Atlantic. The beautiful and diverse beaches here are also more than I could have hoped for. Update: I rarely go to the beach, but it sure is nice to have it nearby. My skin doesn’t like the sun anymore.

    The Little things that make a big difference:

    • Because there is very little humidity here, things like sponges and clothes never get that damp, musty odor.
    • No snow . . . ever! I loved snow until I couldn’t ski anymore (knee issues).
    • The Portuguese government has regulations prohibiting the use of pesticides in farming, no hormones, no food additives, etc. Eggs are bright orange and delicious and do not have to be labeled organic — all food is grown naturally.
    • Very little crime. I feel very safe. Update: a bit more since COVID.
    • Public transportation is cheap and efficient. City buses are less than a euro a ride and run frequently. Going outside the city is also easy and only a few euros. Buses and trains are never overcrowded. Not owning a car has been freeing and has saved me a good deal of money. My commitment to lessen my carbon footprint has been rewarding. It took me a while to figure out the system, but once I did, it was fairly easy. Update: I take the train rather than fly when possible. It’s that balance between doing what you love and doing what’s right.
    • Because we have an abundance of sunshine and great weather, I can cycle all year-round.
    • I have discovered many European healthcare products that are inexpensive and work well (i.e., face cream, toothpaste, pimple cream). I have a French grocery store a few blocks away and a fresh food market right above it. The outdoor farmer’s market travels from town to town and it’s in Faro on Sundays.
    • Labor is inexpensive. I have been able to do some very nice renovations to my apartment that did not cost me a fortune (i.e., french doors in my kitchen, tile work, painting).
    • Furniture is well-made here.
    • Update: Restaurants are increasing in number and quality in Faro. More ethnic food and close to home.
    • Incredible new friends
    • I love my gym and I try to get there six days a week. Annual membership, 245 Euros!
    • I have joined a croquet club: The Pink Flamingos. I usually play on Wednesdays; sometimes on Sunday as well. I also play Mah Jongg on Fridays and Mexican Train on occasion on Tuesday. My official retirement schedule and activities. I do all of this outside of a retirement community.

    The Lows

    Losing Giorgio to heart disease has been the worst thing that has happened in Portugal thus far. In truth, he would have had to be put down in the U.S. at some point; however, knowing that the climate change adversely affected his heart, made his death more difficult. The wide sidewalks were great because I could walk him without a leash. He loved our new home (parks and beaches) and that gives me great comfort.

    I indeed miss my friends and family and that can be tough at times. I fortunately chose a place people want to visit and so, I’ve had more friends and family come to see me than I ever anticipated. It’s been quite a treat to show the people I love, my new home.

    I’ve gained some weight and I’m not happy about that. Delicious pastries are everywhere and they’re so cheap. I think the novelty will soon wear off; either that or I’ll get tired of buying new pants. I’ve always had to work hard to keep the weight off, but aging makes this even more difficult. Update: I’ve been the same weight for a few years now. I keep active and I have accepted the fact that I will always be a bit overweight. I refuse to give up the food and drink that bring me happiness. All things in moderation.

    Also, I hate my condo association and I will not go into why.

    Flying back to the States is expensive. Currently, airfare back to the U.S. is 900 euros during the high season, April to July. I won’t be returning very often. There are bargain fares; however, you have to accept long layovers and not-so-great airlines. I like TAP — Air Portugal.

    Update: A Canadian airline has a new route to Toronto from Faro. I will not recommend them until I’ve tried them. It looks like I can get there and back for 650 Euros. I’ll probably fly to a U.S. city from Toronto. I hate flying into Newark, JFK or Miami.

    Did I Make the Right Choice?

    There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I chose the right country at the right time. Portugal is becoming more attractive to expats because real estate prices are reasonable; however, in the year since I purchased my condo, the value has risen by 20 percent. It will soon be just as expensive as everywhere else. I saw this happening with Spain 20 years ago. More importantly, I love it here. I love the people, I love the food, I love the weather, the quality of life, my location in Faro, my healthcare, and I love how it all makes me feel. I’ve mentioned this before, but I am 45 minutes to Spain by car and I can fly or take a train to several other European countries very easily. The time difference in other countries is only an hour or two and that’s manageable.

    Update: I believe that I found my place.

    Access to Travel

    Faro is not a very large city; however, it is the capital of the Algarve and the airport is a fairly large hub. Multiple airlines fly direct to many cities throughout Europe. The rail system in Europe is also quite extensive and efficient. I can see the world more easily from my new home. I know that as I get older I will want to stay closer to home where I get to enjoy all the creature comforts. I sleep better in my own bed than anywhere else. Still I know it’s best to travel as much as possible; while I still can. Update: I have fully embraced the notion that I will someday (soon) be an old fuddy duddy that likes to stay home.

    From Original Blog. Photos:  I took these photos in Sagres, Portugal, a couple of days ago. Sagres is the furthest south and west you can go on the Iberian continent. It’s difficult to capture how truly peaceful and spectacular this part of the world is. It was an easy two and a half hour drive from my home. Update: I’ve returned numerous times. I have also fallen in love with Alvor (off-season).

    Sagres Guide

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    What Lies Ahead?

    The best is yet to come . . .

    I have decided to stop thinking long-term. I am open to possibilities I might not have ever considered before. I have two big trips coming up in 2019. After I return, perhaps a rescue dog? A pet would probably force me to stay put for a while, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m going to go the organic route on this decision and see where the future takes me. Getting older means aches and pains I did not anticipate and other small medical issues that I have to be dealt with. Staying on top of these things is important for long-term good health. When you get older, health becomes a priority. Update: all remains true. I did rescue Paco and I’m still “fairly” healthy. I thought I’d stop planning way ahead, however, I’ve given up trying, it’s what I do.

    “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
    ― Soren Kierkegaard

    “I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”
    ― Beryl Markham, West with the Night

    “We don’t have to be defined by the things we did or didn’t do in our past. Some people allow themselves to be controlled by regret. Maybe it’s a regret, maybe it’s not. It’s merely something that happened. Get over it.”
    ― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four

    Liverpool at the end of this coming week. Other travel will be mentioned in my Liverpool post. I’ve cancelled Asia in 2023. Due to COVID-19, there are too many considerations and changes to worry about. It will happen someday. The long flight to and from Cuba did me in, keeping me closer to Europe for a while.

  • My Love Affair With Food

    Ain’t it the truth!

    My name is Christopher and I am a foodaholic. I do not mean to poke fun at or trivialize alcoholism, however, I do believe that addiction to alcohol is similar (not the same) as addiction to food; no doubt that I am highly addicted to the consumption of “good” food. I will not, however, be seeking a cure or remedy.

    foodaholic

    [ foo-duh–haw-lik, –hol-ik ]

    noun

    — a person having an excessive, often uncontrollable craving for food.

    A few things right up front:

    1. I have felt this way since I was a small boy.
    2. If I were told that I could eat bland food and live another 20 years or eat delicious food and only live another two, I would choose the latter.
    3. I believe I was born with the ability to distinguish between good food and mediocre food.
    4. I dream about food more than I dream about sex. That wasn’t always the case.
    5. I am perfectly content to dine out alone — food and wine being the perfect dining companions.
    6. I choose most my friends based on their love and knowledge of food (there are a few exceptions; calm down Julie).
    7. I love lists and menus are sort of similar to lists. I love menus.
    8. I like how my taste in food evolves.
    9. I like to grow food.
    10. I love how food brings people together.

    “People who love to eat are always the best people.” – Julia Child

    A Bit of Background

    I consider myself a food snob. I will not eat just for the sake of eating. I eat for the flavor, taste, and for the pure pleasure of excellent food. I love texture and spice and I love street food. I am a carnivore; unless I’m told I will die tomorrow unless I cut meat out, I will eat meat until I die. A good steak and a glass of wine gives me more pleasure than poker and I love playing poker.

    The food I eat does not necessarily have to be deconstructed, molecular, Michelin star, five star, pure gold leaf, rare, expensive, fortified, modern, home grown, top chef cooked, hand selected or from a high-end restaurant . . . it just has to be good. I love rich food, healthy food, straight from the garden or sea food, food truck food, restaurant food, street food, pasta, more pasta, ethnic food, prepared food, my food, cookbook dishes, friend’s food, family food, chef’s food, and snack food.

    I first got to know good food at home and in the homes of family members. My father worked in an Italian restaurant six days a week most of his adult life and he often took us out to dinner on his day off; there were a lot of us in his immediate family.

    There are so many types of cuisine and/or street foods that I love, it would be impossible to name them all. Italian will always be my favorite cuisine; although I was raised on Southern Italian, I passionately love almost all Italian food. I also love Thai, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Moroccan, Jamaican, Scandinavian, Southern BBQ, fried chicken, hamburgers, frankfurters, in no particular order.

    Dad

    Dad’s mom taught him how to cook. My father taught me how to enjoy food, how to source good food, why handed down recipes matter, and how food can take you out of a funk. He was passionate about cooking and feeding people. My dad’s cooking made me happier than just about anything else.

    Mom’s Side of the Family

    My mother had very little family. Her mother was Russian. My grandmother loved Eastern European food, but she was too old and frail to cook when I entered the picture. My mother’s brother was a butcher. He loved meat and he knew how to cook it. Other than that, he was a horrible human being: self-absorbed, big gambler, verbally abusive, homophobic, and a bully. Did I mention that he was horrible?

    My mom made a handful of good dishes. My father tried to teach her how to cook, but my mom did everything fast and without much consideration. There were certain foods she enjoyed, but sauteed broccoli rabe (garlic, red pepper flakes, and extra virgin olive oil) was probably her absolute favorite. It is for this reason that I order it whenever I see it on a menu and I saute it whenever I can find it in a market (I’ve never seen it in Portugal where I live).

    Dad’s Side of the Family

    My dad and his family were born and raised in Italy. Dad had four sisters (Mary, Rose, Grace, and Alice) and they were all amazing cooks. When we got to eat at any of their houses I would be up all night the night before. I would think about what I would be eating and I would shiver with anticipation. I only really knew two of his four brothers (Tony and Nicky) and honestly couldn’t tell you whether or not they cooked, but Dad cooked.

    I can say without a doubt, that my father was the best cook I have ever met in my life. I know that sentiment has a great deal to do with how I felt about my father, but he instinctively knew how to make food taste good. He mostly cooked Italian dishes, using only fresh ingredients from the best markets and food sources.

    Friends

    I have several friends who are excellent cooks. I love invitations to their homes and I love their food. I cannot name them for obvious reasons. Some friends are afraid to cook for me. It’s sort of sad because making the effort is everything and I’m not as fussy as people think.

    Career

    After years in academia, I fell upon a position at the French Culinary Institute (FCI). There my obsession with food was out-of-control. I ate food prepared by students in our kitchens or at L’Ecole, our restaurant, nearly five days a week. It was also my responsibility to dine out at restaurants owned by former students, alumni chefs, and jury (chefs who judged student finals), new hotspots, and restaurants that might be looking for new talent. I had an expense account that never lasted very long. It was like a game and I played it well. I worked out twice as hard so that I could eat and not feel guilty. It didn’t work, I did feel guilty, I was consumed by guilt. I left the FCI and the guilt went away. Sixteen years of obscene eating and drinking.

    Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner

    Cooking makes me happy, it calms me down, it satisfies me in so many ways, it provides an opportunity to feed people I care about; food is my crack cocaine. I never take food for granted. I was born with a stomach issue that kept me from eating many types of foods and drinking many beverages. Surgery fixed this problem five years ago and now I can eat or drink anything. This surgery was available thirty years ago, however, not recommended by most gastrologists until recently. I consider myself fortunate to have found a good surgeon in Maine and I am forever grateful for modern medicine and good health insurance.

    Breakfast is different everyday, however, I admittedly love cookies or cake in the morning. I don’t do it every day, but I do it a lot. It’s the coffee cake combo that does it for me. Never more than a couple of not-so-sweet cookies or a small piece of cake — lemon pound, chocolate layer, carrot, orange, banana bread — I try not to discriminate. Eggs on occasion, oatmeal, avocado toast, pancakes — I love it all.

    I’ve been making lunch my “big” meal for a few years now. I prefer to cook, but I do go out on occasion. I like to go to the market early in the morning and choose what I’m cooking for lunch. Yesterday I spotted gorgeous veal steak at the local butcher; I grilled that with eggplant and roasted potatoes with fresh thyme from my terrace. Not a bad lunch.I paired all that with a Portuguese red. You can get a bold and beautiful red here for four euros.

    I like leftovers for dinner. Something I prepared for lunch the day before or frozen leftovers. I also occasionally prepare a charcuterie plate with Portuguese cured meats, cheeses, some sort of fig or honey spread, olives, and toasted baguette (there is a French bakery in Tavira, a few towns over, where I buy my bread and rolls and freeze them). French bread will always be my absolute favorite. When I travel to France, I buy a fresh baguette almost everyday. A French pastry as well; they’re hard to resist.

    Kitchen gadgets are the best. I splurge on good pots & pans and all of my kitchen appliances are high-end. Try to sell me the most expensive jeans or sneakers; fat chance.

    Beer, Wine, Soda and Spirits

    I hated beer until later in my 30s. I would only have a beer with pizza or a burger. I dated a Spaniard who loved beer and that changed everything. I started trying beer from all over the world and now I have to say that I like it almost as much as I like spirits . . . almost as much.

    I couldn’t drink white wine until five years ago (stomach issue); now I drink it all the time. However, red wine is my true love. I enrolled in a couple of wine courses at the FCI, but I have a lot to learn (that part is fun). I would have to say a good French Bordeaux is my favorite, followed by Italian Amarone, Spanish Rioja, California Cabernet, Portuguese Alentejo and South African Syrahs. There are dozens of other wines and grape varieties I love to drink. Pair a great wine with excellent cuisine and you have heaven on earth.

    Spirits make me happy, but there are a few I favor: Kentucky bourbon, French armagnac, Russian vodka, Cuban rum, brandy, and Swedish aquavit (snaps).

    I often concoct my own crazy cocktails, I make homemade limoncello, and I have a fairly nice collection of wines (the wine refrigerator helps). I am not a connoisseur of anything. I know very little and I like what I like.

    Sweet Versus Savory

    I will leave it at this: a good savory dish will always be my first choice, but I love dessert and I enjoy baking. Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies with walnuts are my all-time, absolute favorite sweet.

    Famous People I Knew (know)

    My position at the French Culinary Institute and my involvement with the James Beard Foundation, afforded me the opportunity to work with, dine with, party with and/or meet, the following famous people (yes, I am name dropping): Julia Child, Anthony Bourdain, Isabella Rossellini, Larry Kramer, Joan Rivers, Christo and Jeanne-Claude, John Lithgow, Rosemary Clooney, Samuel Jackson, Joan Allen, Jacques Pepin, Andrew Soltner, Al Franken, Star Jones, Christine Baranski, Brooke Shields, Paul Bocuse, Lidia Bastianich, Alice Waters, Marcella Hazan, Joan Nathan, Barbara Fairchild, Massimo Bottura, Dana Cowan, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, José Andrés, Eric Ripert, Daniel Boulud, Aarón Sánchez, Ferran Adria, Bette Midler (30 seconds of bliss), Marcus Samuelsson, Al Roker, Anne Burrell, Ina Garten, and others. They were not all nice people, but I like to think I held my own around them. Several of the people I named were gracious and lovely; a few became friends.

    Food is and will always be the greatest love of my life; Alejandro a close second.

    “There is no sincere love than the love of food.”

    — George Bernard Shaw

    A Handful of recent food and beverage choices:

    Upcoming Travel

    Liverpool in two weeks to see a friend and Beatles sights/attractions. Toulouse in April, Berlin and Amsterdam, end of April and May, Geneva in June, Milan in July, Nantes and Pomic in August, and a Northern Europe Norwegian Line Cruise in October. I’m cutting back, so that I can be home more with Paco and the country I have come to love. I’ll write about some of it and keep other parts to myself.

    Julia Child, Jacques Pepin, Leah Stewart and me. This was a good day.

  • Family Revisited

    With some strong opinions about our current political situation.

    What you see here is my immediate family: Paco and me and me and Paco. Don’t be sad about it, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. After 30 years of therapy, countless self-help books, two or three semi-rewarding careers, and early retirement, this is where I’ve landed. Paco and Portugal are a pretty darned good combination. I can walk him year-round without ever having to step in snow or wear a winter coat. This is the life I have chosen and I believe it is unfortunate that there are people who are partnered or dying to be partnered, who feel sorry for me. Family can be defined in many different ways; for me, family is me and my dog. Trust, loyalty, commitment, and love; none of it questionable or wavering (new).

    Pandemic, war, climate change, political division . . . these are the times we reflect on what matters.

    A thought I am stating upfront (reprinted from 2019):

    Admittedly, this has been one of the more difficult blogs I have written thus far. I have wanted to write about family from the day I started publishing, but I have often hesitated and abandoned the idea. There have been mentions of family; however, I have clearly danced around the topic on purpose. I have decided to go forward with it, play it safe and not name names. I am fairly certain family members know where they stand with me and I think it’s best not to air dirty laundry in a public forum. Darn!

    I’m fucking angry at many of my family members and although I know some of them won’t like what I am going to share, it needs to be said. I want to remind several of them, that I’ve been around them for 62 years and I have listened carefully. Anyone in my family who is currently supporting Trumpism wants the following for the United States: 1) immigration exclusively for those who can prove they have means, 2) the end to programs designed to assist the less fortunate, 3) the stripping down of school curriculum so that revisionist history is banned and only the conservative perspective is taught (I’m holding back), 4) christianity is the moral compass of the nation, 5) anti-abortion can continue to be used as a weapon for fighting personal freedom, and 6) power and money can be kept in the hands of the fast becoming white minority. I’m leaving off a few things that are way too personal and would only fan the flames of hate directed toward me.

    If you are a close family member and have felt distance and diminishing contact, I need to be clear that I don’t care how much love there has been or how strong the bond, anyone in my life that thinks ‘Make America Great Again” is a good thing should not reach out to me. Clearly some of you are too stupid to know why you vote the way you do, but I know many of my so called “family members” know exactly why they deny the January 6, 2021 attack on the capital was a threat to American democracy. I’m not so sure you’d feel the same way if you lived in Russia or other authoritarian parts of the world (last two paragraphs are new) .

    Definition from Urban Dictionary and why it resonates:

    Family

    A group of people, usually of the same blood (but do not have to be), who genuinely love, trust, care about, and look out for each other. Not to be mistaken with relatives sharing the same household who hate each other.

    The words I love here are “genuine, trust, and look out for.” I am fortunate to have family members who check all the boxes. I also have friends whom I can say those things about; I consider these friends my extended or chosen family. None of my true family members are jealous of or would begrudge me of my chosen family. I believe those who love me for and despite who I am, love me no matter what. I didn’t always realize how much genuine love I had or have in my life; this came with maturity and experience.

    Not unlike anyone else alive and breathing, I have family issues. There are family members that are as much strangers as the individual walking down my street that I have never laid eyes on before today. It would be easy to beat myself up and blame myself for family “stuff.” They don’t like me because I’m fill in the blank. Since we’re all so different and complicated, trying to figure out why people behave a certain way toward you is bound to cause trouble. Speculation is often dangerous and inaccurate; especially when it’s about family. Our expectations of family members is not the same as what we expect from friends or strangers. We’re often less forgiving when it comes to family.

    This thinking that family should be held to higher standards sets us up for failure. In reality, we’re all human and therefore, we make mistakes, we say stupid things, we take others for granted. With a friend you might sit them down and ask them if everything is okay or if you can talk about it. For some reason with family (I suspect it has to do with deep emotional ties) we are quick to allow our anger and resentment to make us dismissive. This does not include the issues I outlined earlier.

    Some of the statements we might make to ourselves:

    • He/she should know better.
    • He/she never invites me to family functions.
    • They’ve turned their children against me.
    • He/she never calls me or I always have to be the one to call.
    • I’m so tired of being the one with all the answers.
    • Am I the only one who is taking care of mom/dad?
    • I wouldn’t be friends with this family member if I met him or her on the street, so why should I expect to like this person?

    Immediate Family

    I have created a life where my immediate family consists of me and me alone (I’ve added Paco since publishing this blog). I could easily share my thoughts on why this might be the case, but I think I’ll spare you the psycho-babble. I would imagine that the larger your immediate family is, the more complex your life might be; I could be wrong. Growing up, there were nine or ten of us living in the house at any given time. Daily drama and breakdowns were a way of life.

    I think that most individuals could point to a time when family loyalty was tested. I believe it is during this time or these times, when we shape our opinions of family members and evaluate how deep we believe their love to be. Can one be wrong in their assessment? Absolutely. Judgment can easily be clouded by an argument, a particular incident, and/or a betrayal by a jealous family member(s).

    Estranged Family

    It seems like everyone I speak to have family members that they do not see or communicate with. The first thing I always think is:  how sad. Then I realize that there are family members I do not speak to and again I think, how sad. But as we all know we don’t get to choose family and we either accept them for who they are or we don’t. I once believed that all family deserved to be forgiven no matter the transgression, however, that is no longer how I feel. I now believe that there are people around us who are toxic. Keeping them around us is unhealthy and unwise. What I have learned over time, is that confronting certain people will only make the situation worse. It’s like the old saying about putting salt on a wound; best not to go there sometimes. There is nothing wrong with self-preservation.

    Can an old wound be healed? I think it’s possible to mend a relationship, but both parties have to want it. It is similar to divorce, in that, emotions are often strong and anger deeply rooted, finding middle ground is near impossible. The older I get, the more inclined I am to walk away. It is important to consider regret and the outcome of your actions. You have to ask yourself several questions:

    • Did I do everything possible to reconnect with this family member?
    • How deep is the wound?
    • Do I even remember the cause of the disagreement?
    • Is pride getting in the way?
    • If I choose to forgive, can I forgive?
    • Can forgiveness pave the way for a healthier relationship?
    • Is making the first move possible or will you lose self-respect?
    • Will my estrangement affect other family members?
    • Are their beliefs so backward and divisive, that being associated with them is hypocritical?
    • Are you being true to yourself?

    Let me be clear that I am not pointing fingers. I did not have a family member in mind while writing this. I have made many mistakes. I have turned my back on family more than once. I have behaved immaturely and jumped to conclusions. I have avoided conflict and I have looked the other way. I have made excuses. I have placed blame. I have suffered in silence and I have made assumptions.

    I am in the process of acknowledging my limitations and I am attempting to figure it all out. I imagine in that way, that I am much like everyone else.

    When I wrote this blog a few years back I was deeply hurt by a few family members who turned their backs on me because of my political beliefs and values. I questioned those beliefs and started to doubt myself. I’m happy to say that those feelings are all behind me. I have come out of this stronger and more resolute. I am determined to fight for: personal freedoms, for those who cannot defend themselves, for those who have been denied the tools to help/better themselves, evangelicals who impose their values on others, and anyone who believes that sexual orientation is a choice. The fight is exhilarating and life affirming.

    Travel

    Liverpool, UK at the end of March, Toulouse and Bordeaux mid-April and Berlin the end of April. Most COVID restrictions have been lifted in Europe; therefore, travel should be a bit easier.

    There are other planned trips, however, I’m realizing as I get older, travel can often take its toll. I am re-evaluating the length and substance of my travel.

  • A Question With Good Intentions

    Innocence Quotes. QuotesGram

    Humanity

    We’re funny creatures aren’t we? We do so many things naturally, but keep them to ourselves or judge that discussing them is taboo. I’ll name a few:

    • Our true feelings — deep, dark, sincere feelings
    • Our bathroom habits (e.g., a majority of older men have trouble urinating due to prostate issues); we don’t talk about it.
    • Our fear of death and failure
    • Our sexual habits and desires
    • Thoughts of suicide when feeling alone or desperate
    • Our true nature

    Let’s face it, we are a repressed people. And, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

    A Funny Story (names will be withheld to protect the innocent and humble)

    I recently attended an extremely satisfying dinner party. I say satisfying because I’m normally uncomfortable and apprehensive about even attending them in the first place. I get all anxious and threaten cancellation at the last minute. But this one was different. There were eight of us: three Americans, two Canadians, one Swede, one Finnish and a Brit. Probably all left leaning, although I cannot be 100% certain. What I do know is that all eight of us were there to have a good time and a good time is what we had.

    I’ve been out-of-the-closet for a long time; therefore, discussing my sexuality is not usually an issue or concern. My current attitude is simply, take me as I am or don’t take me at all. What seems to be more of an issue for others, is that I’m single. When I’m in a group situation and my status comes up, I usually state that I am “happily single.” I say this because so many people, gay, straight, and undefined, seem to believe that I am in some way unhappy or unfulfilled and that this state of being is directly correlated with being single.

    The party host was unfortunately recently widowed. Since it has been a little more than a year, I can see that people who care about her, are interested or secretly hopeful, in seeing her paired-up. Why do we do this to one another?

    With all of the not-so-subtle comments or questions that surface during a gathering such as this one, it was refreshing and poignant to be on the receiving end of a genuinely sweet and innocent question. I should be clear about two things: first, the individual asking the question is an ordained minister, and second, the question was directed at the two single individuals in the group; the host and myself.

    It is true that the host and I have an outwardly symbiotic relationship. We laugh a lot, touch a lot, and although we only know one another for a couple of years, it is clear that there is a lasting bond between us. I knew her husband, in addition, I had the pleasure and good fortune of knowing them together. They had one of those rare and touching partnerships that makes you believe in love. Although I felt her loss deeply when her husband passed, what I feel today is hopeful. I see an individual who has embraced the notion that life goes on. She seems to know that although nothing will or can, ever be the same, living with the memory of a joyful and loving life partner, can be a force in experiencing current and future happiness. I’m not an expert on these matters, but nothing speaks louder than a real life example — she is my litmus test, my proof.

    Back to the question posed: the minister, female, late fifties, early sixties, appropriate at all times and allow me to guess, a role model for most; looked at the host and I with an unassuming smile, slightly raised eyebrows, and an empathic tilt of her head (adorned with a gorgeous fedora), and asked: “Couldn’t you two get together and fulfill your sexual urges?“

    Honestly, I’ve been exposed to open minded people my entire life, I have had innocent children ask me questions about my bald head, I have been asked about my favorite sexual position, but I have never been asked a question quite as pure and loving; bold and judgment free.

    The space the eight of us filled became notably silent for about two seconds — two blaring seconds. Seven of the eight of us needed to replay the question asked — to process and ponder. The golden silence was followed by tremendously loud and raucous laughter. Did we hear the minister correctly? When we all realized that we had heard the same thing and that what we heard was clearly a serious question, years of taught appropriate behavior and political correctness, shook us all to our collective core. Did someone innocently and politely address the unspoken truth? Yes, we have sexual urges, yes we had the body parts that biblically match, and yes, we genuinely care for one another.

    The idea that all of that would be enough to sexually join together a fairly recent widow and one very out homosexual, was cause for true unbridled joy. At that moment, I fell in love with the minister. The zero judgment attached to the question, the caring way in which she asked, and the reaction she unknowingly provoked, informed me that this moment was one for the “this only happens once in a lifetime, this is your life,” living journals. I will hold onto it until I can no longer remember my name and I suspect our host will as well.

    Finally, allow me to add, at a time when we have been forced and advised to isolate ourselves from others, it is moments such as this, where social interaction and human kindness collide, that I personally realize, why it is essential that we come together. To be human is to be with one another; to laugh, to cry and to love. No judgment, just good intentions.

    Travel

    As long as I test negative for COVID-19 on Sunday, Cuba is finally happening. You’ll read all about it in my next blog.

    Be well, and be with the people you adore and admire and those who feel the same way about you.

    [I tested yesterday so that I could pack and prepare with some degree of confidence. Negative results were not a given. Having achieved negative results, I will be isolating for the remainder of this week.]