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Stay In Your Own Lane

Or Deal With Me

Being born in Brooklyn has its advantages; one of them is bravado. Back in the 60s and 70s, we were taught to fend for ourselves. I’m sure it had a great deal to do with the mafia presence in Brooklyn, street gangs, and the nearly 3.5 million people who resided in a relatively small space.

Growing up closeted may also have a lot to do with my tough exterior. I was only moderately bullied because I put on a good front, but still, my guard was up 24/7. My brothers and sisters were onto me; they let me know that even though they loved me, the sexuality issue could not and would not be overlooked; as if I had a choice. The harder I was beaten down, the more resilient I became.

I don’t care who you are or who you know, come for me or anyone I love and I will make you wish you hadn’t. It’s not a threat, it’s a fact. Some call it aggressive behavior and others call it self-preservation; I call it peace of mind and I make no apologies for it.

What happened to me is not unique, take a look around and you’ll notice similar personality types for those who have been marginalized or ignored. Yet another reason to lift people up, as opposed to putting them down.

A Suit of Armor

The down side of putting up a massive shield is that it sometimes prevents the good stuff from penetrating. I state this as if I have personal experience; I might. I’m told by others who can be far more objective, that my guard is up and my openness to the possibility of a lifelong partner is non-existent. I don’t argue anymore for two reasons: first, I am happy just as I am and second, they could be right and I’d have to admit that might be the case.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” – Bob Marley

Vulnerability

If you want to see my softer side, be genuine and sincere. The divisive behavior I am seeing lately has me very concerned. Pick a side or you’re out seems to be the dominant mentality. If something is needling me; rather than pop-off, I am testing my self-control and staying quiet. Knowing that this is not my usual MO, it’s a good exercise for me. It’s a double edge sword; I may feel better mentally, but I am hurting emotionally.

The Wisdom That Comes With Age

One of the things that I have learned is that certain people love to stir the pot. If things are calm and quiet, they want to get folks riled-up. We all know who these people are; why do we give them air time?

What I have learned and what I am still learning:

  • When someone around you feels compelled to gossip about someone you know, shut them down. “I am not interested in hearing this, thank you.” Or you can walk or move away. This does not include sharing concern for another . . . for example if a person in your group is engaging in self-destructive behavior and you may collectively be able to help them — this is concern and compassion, not gossip. Note the word “help.”
  • People seem to thrive on a tribal mentality: “my tribe is superior and if you’re not on my side, you’re on the wrong side.” Respect for others goes a long way. It doesn’t mean you have to take a cruise with this person, but we can hear each other out and agree to disagree.
  • If people in your social circle are talking about others who are also a part of your circle, those same individuals are probably chatting about you when you’re not around. And I don’t mean innocent small talk (e.g., “where is Chris these days? He’s always traveling.”).
  • Your mental and emotional well-being is directly tied to the well-being of your peers. In other words, stay away from crazy. Some individuals are just not worth it.
  • All individuals have prejudices and stereotypes they hold onto. When as a child, it’s drummed into you at home, in the playground, and in the classroom, how can you not hold onto it as truth. We can all either embrace the truth as fact and try to be better or we can further perpetuate falsehoods (e.g., immigrants are ruining our country).
  • Good people who try to educate others are often beaten down in today’s divided world. No matter how strong you are and no matter how resolute in your quest for truth, after a while it starts to get to you and you can become numb or exhausted and give up the fight. We cannot allow this to happen.
  • I do not appreciate pot-stirrers. There are other ways for one to become stimulated. For example, one could dig a hole in their backyard and bury themselves in it.
  • If you can rest your head on your pillow easily at bedtime, you’re probably doing the right thing. In this case I am referring to good people as opposed to the other kind.
  • If you’re an aging man, urinating may become difficult. Note: I’m not sure this belongs on this particular list, but it needs to go somewhere.
  • Lighten up, chill, let it go, it’s not personal — you’ll live a longer, happier life if you take it all less seriously.
  • The bravado part is all wrapped-up in my desire to be perceived as masculine. Sometimes the psychobabble makes sense.

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Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Spring has come early — it tends to do that in the Algarve. Since spring is my favorite season, I am taking advantage of the warm weather and I’m tending to my terrace garden and spending time at outdoor cafés and restaurants with Paco. Rain is glorious and I’m thrilled that we’ve had quite a bit this week. The primaries in the States are pissing me off, but people who care about me are teaching me to let it go. What troubles me the most is the knowledge that many of these radical right individuals have an agenda they dare not reveal. The repression of marginalized groups and the fear of losing power/control has been a reality since the day mankind started fighting for ownership of (fill in the blank). I’m not sure we will ever collectively agree to share resources and be honest with one another. It makes me very sad.

Before I sign-off I’d like to thank many of you for your delicious feedback about my blogging . . . I am inspired to keep it up.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

City Versus Country

Who are we to judge?

Not an easy choice, but does one have to choose?

Why do I choose the topics I choose? I wish I could tell you that it’s a well thought out, sensible, systematic, intelligent process. In the end, it’s whatever pops into my head when I open my laptop. There may have been some forethought, but trust me, that was by accident. The city versus country dilemma has been one that has plagued me throughout my life. I have moved more times than Elizabeth Taylor was married; Elizabeth and I may have shared the same affliction: not truly knowing what we want. Do I want to live in the center of a vibrant, loud, culture-rich city or would I prefer a quiet hamlet where people and theater are scarce?

Not all of us can have both. Not all of us want both. But what if you can only have one, which one would you choose?

The Beginning

I was born in a big city. After 18 years of hustle, bustle, and grit, I moved to a small town in North Carolina. Don’t ever shock your system this way. I was so depressed I started dating women to feel better. Seriously, I couldn’t see the forest through the rednecks. After a couple years working at a cotton mill, I packed up my ’77 Nova and hightailed it back to the city. After arriving in Brooklyn, I stopped to buy a drink and my car was completely cleaned out; I think the thief left a broken 45. Thus the beginning of my country versus city struggle.

Everybody Has An Opinion

We live in an age where so many people think they know better. I caution you to listen to your own heart and mind. People can give out advice and share their own experiences, but no one knows you like you know you. I love when people pose a question about “the best place to live in Portugal.” So many will weigh-in telling people they “should” live here or there for whatever reason. I see these places quickly become ghettos of like-minded people. Explore, think outside the box, expand your comfort zone; you may end up very pleasantly surprised.

Alternate Choices, Change it up, Be a Nomad

I remember contemplating where I would live in Portugal. I was with a friend going on and on: what if I don’t like it, what if I buy an apartment in a city I end up hating, what if, what if? Here’s how Gina replied, “Then you’ll move.” Why did such a simple solution not occur to me?

Got me thinking . . . perhaps I can live in the center of a city for a while and then move to the country for a change. That’s what I thought when I purchased my condo. Once I arrived in the Algarve I realized how easy it is to get around and how close I would be to wide open, quiet, outside-of-the-city places. And hotels and airbnbs are less than half the usual cost off-season. The beauty of the Algarve is that the weather is magnificent most of the year. I can have both city and country without ever moving.

Vacation homes can be a royal pain in the ass. My place in Pennsylvania was delightful, but it was a lot of work and came with complicated issues. After that experience I decided that owning one home is enough, unless you can pay a person or company to manage it and even then it can be problematic.

Compromise

For me, compromise is exactly where I landed. For six years, I have lived in a small city that has everything I need. Please do not think me boastful as I tell you about my current situation. It is merely to point out that if you are determined to find what is right for you, it’s out there. I currently have all I need.

From my terrace I see the Ria Formosa and the Atlantic Ocean and from my marquise (enclosed terrace) in the back of my apartment, I see mountains of Estoi (mountains I can drive to in 25 minutes). I have a terrace garden with succulents and herbs, I am surrounded by four schools and young people, I can walk to cafés — there is even one in my building, restaurants, grocery stores, and other shops, and I have great neighbors. There is a jazz club 10 minutes away by foot and a movie theater about 30 minutes walking. So why would I ever consider leaving you might ask? Damn, that’s a good question! My constant yearning for something else makes me crazy. Note: I do not take what I have for granted.

I have learned that isolation would be very bad for me. Isolation is probably what I would experience in the country. The bottom line . . . learn who you are.

“The same things go on everywhere, whether you’re from the city, the country or wherever.“
Bubba Sparxxx (not a typo)

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Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

I’m in a weird space these days. I’m in between travel, home projects, and an assessment of my current health. It’s part of my nature to be concerned about everything and I’m trying to just enjoy the moment. Planning is good, but overplanning can put you in a box, making spontaneity difficult. I’m asking my good friends to remind me to relax. Now you cannot accuse me of not asking for help when I need it.

Thank you again to all of you who gave me feedback on the continuation of my blog. It gives me great pleasure to write and share my thoughts.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

Posted on by CP · 10 Comments

This Is More For Me Than It Is For You

And that’s okay

Durban, South Africa, a few weeks ago

I had an epiphany during the first COVID-19 lockdown in 2020. I realized the best way to live my life was to determine what I truly enjoy and celebrate those things as much as possible. This revelation is one of the many positive outcomes of blogging and quiet contemplation. Writing has forced me to express my thoughts and feelings with conviction. Lying to myself (or you) about anything would only take me down a woeful path. Onward and upward we go.

Because I love making lists and because I think some of what I am going to share will resonate with some of you, I have decided to boldly put it out there (random order):

  • The best time I have spent in my life has been creating a comfortable place to sleep. A firm mattress, soft cream colored cotton sheets, a couple of goose down pillows and a light goose down comforter, matte blue/gray walls, photos and paintings that evoke the best parts of my past, and a toilet only a few steps from my bed. All money well spent.
  • Fresh ground beans used to make that first cup of coffee. Sometimes in an espresso machine, sometimes in a French press, sometimes poured over, but mostly in a drip pot. I want it soon after I wake and I want it with a little whole milk. That watered down, low-fat crap, is not for me.
  • My Paco by my side, especially after he’s had a bath, and especially when he’s sleeping.
  • A good novel, read in a quiet place, makes me very happy.
  • Eating good food is probably my greatest pleasure.
  • A provocative and engaging conversation with someone smart and present is time well spent.
  • Sitting in a beach chair in front of the ocean on a warm, blue sky day, provides enough fuel to last days or weeks. Warm sand between my toes adds to the beach experience; as does a beautiful sunset.
  • The laughter of my toddler nieces and nephews is the elixir of life.
  • A glass or two of a good red wine at dusk is about as good as it gets. Paired with an aged gouda, takes it to another level.
  • Finding a bargain when I least expect it is extremely satisfying.
  • A good game of Texas Holdem’ is hard to beat.
  • The realization that I am enough cannot be overstated.
  • A good friend reigns supreme.
  • I am an unabashed and proud TikToker. Hours of watching humans be human has been a recent guilty pleasure.
  • Sundays where I reside are peaceful and quiet. I have made a practice of staying at home and opening my terrace doors to allow the outside in. The absence of cars and kids makes hearing the wind and the birds easier.
  • A one euro café com lait after a workout is hard to beat.
  • A freshly cleaned apartment puts a huge smile on this worn out face.
  • A productive hour at the gym.
  • A pair of fresh pajamas, a good film, a curled-up Paco, a comfy sofa, on an evening at Twilight is pretty fucking awesome.
  • Solitude
  • A good night’s sleep followed by a pre-dawn, unleashed Paco, walk in the park, is a great way to start the day. When the moon is full, it’s an added bonus.
  • A competitive game of croquet, mah jongg, or poker with my fellow expats, are once-in-a-while, gratifying social activities.
  • Discovery of a part of the world I had yet to explore or the comfort of the familiar I love returning to, are gifts that keep on giving.
  • Good health is not to be discounted or ignored. All of the above are nothing without it.

You won’t see a luxury yacht, the Maldive beaches, or a $200,000 Lamborghini on my list. It took a lifetime for me to realize that the simplest things provide the most pleasure. An occasional indulgence becomes a treat I can savor and a hassle-free day is all I can hope for.

I’ll keep adding to this gratifying list. It’s hokey, it’s corny, it’s self-indulgent . . . it’s me. If you notice, there is no mention of men.

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Future Travel

A couple of short, local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Being satisfied with the status quo is not a bad place to be.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

What Comes Out of This Mouth

Updates 2021 blog — motivated by today’s political climate

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Keeping my mouth shut these days is harder than shoving a passel of hogs into a tiny hog pen . . . at feeding time. I’ve been around for quite some time and I’ve never experienced anything like what we’re seeing today; division, unrest, widespread racism, anger, pandemics, extreme climate change, and the list goes on. Every generation speaks of times in their lives when major changes caused emotional disruption; however, I would argue that what is happening now, has to be up there in the top five of global unrest.

Regardless of the rank and strength of the impact, these are challenging times. If you have a heart and an opinion, you are feeling it with an intensity that can cause quite the verbal eruption. Some would say that speaking your truth is healthy and necessary and others regard it as dangerous. People in both camps exist in my world. I have been notoriously vocal my entire life, except when I’m quiet. So why the contradiction?

What it Feels Like

When I have something to say, it sometimes feels like fire in my belly and a vice squeezing my skull. It’s unpleasant and there are very few ways to release the pressure.

Having opinions is a good thing. Speaking your mind is a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. It allows others to get to know you better. It’s also a way to remain free, free of thoughts weighing you down. Keeping it all bottled up can destroy your already compromised organs. On the other hand, when you unload something that has been weighing you down, it can end up making the receiver feel burdened by the information.

The conversation I have with myself about whether or not to speak-up is getting easier as I mature. There was a time when remaining quiet was not even an option; today, I employ this method of self-preservation (silence), more often than not.

The price that I pay when I’m silent is distance from whomever I decide to stay silent with. Unless it’s a stranger and then there is little or no consequence. I have a neighbor who is inconsiderate and clueless. In the past I would have found a way to share my discontent. Instead, these days I say nothing except hello when I see her. I know that nothing I say will change who she is. Telling her what I think would only make matters worse and cause further problems. But. . . if I ever sell my apartment, this woman is going to hear from me.

The Process of Deciding When to Share

I wrote a blog on Racism a few years ago. I know it angered some of the people in my life who strongly disagreed. In the blog I called myself a passive racist; I believe it to be true. I’m ashamed of the number of times I have stood by and listened to people disparage black or brown people and said nothing. At the time I disagreed with what they were saying, but I didn’t want to rock the boat or cause a scene. I was dead wrong. I cannot turn back the clock, however, I can behave differently and call people out when I see and hear racial bias.

Sharing my political point of view has been difficult because of the current climate. These days it’s difficult to have a civilized conversation about politics. I’ve been told I have no right to share my opinion because I no longer live in the States or that the only reason I’m a left leaning liberal is because I’m gay — both ridiculous opinions.

What to Share

Carefully consider what to share with others and when to share it. The last thing I want is for people to say, “There he goes again, mouthing off about something.” That can happen easily if you’re not careful.

Lately, I wait until I’m truly passionate about something before I put it out there. This seems to be more effective. The response I get on social media can be very telling and I’ve been paying attention. People are tired of politics. Those that feel very strongly, on either side, are not giving up, nor should they. I’m certainly not giving up. What I am doing is being more deliberate about when and how I state my opinion.

There are many people out there who do not want to hear it. They are in denial about the existence of problems in and with society. To those people I say, ignore me. If you don’t want to hear it, telling me or anyone else to shut up is not going to be effective. If you want to bury your head in the sand, then refrain from coming to the surface.

Some of us feel, me included, that in order for positive change to happen, we must have the conversation.

Reactions and Responses

When you share in a public forum, you must be prepared for backlash. For me, having people agree with me is not necessarily what I want. I enjoy a good debate or argument. Tell me why you feel or think the way you do and back it up with facts, I promise to do the same. I have admitted to being wrong on more than one occasion and I have also been known to change my point of view. In addition to learning something in the process, a good argument can be a lot of fun; stimulating and enlightening. So why are so many adverse to partaking in a good debate? These days it seems that some would prefer to walk away from a relationship, rather than engage in a discussion. I think that’s sad.

Losing Friends & Family

Losing people in your life may be the most difficult outcome of being honest about your thoughts and feelings. Before you speak or write or video what’s on your mind, you should consider the toll it may take. Are you willing to alienate people in your life that have meant something to you for a long time?

I recently had this situation tested in my personal life. My politics have pissed people off for a long time; however, because of where the world is politically, people are more wedded to their point of view than ever before. It’s unwise and wrong for me to fault anyone for their beliefs, whether I think those beliefs are based on truth or not. My choice is to find middle ground and in the process, save the relationship.

Going Forward

I have learned that staying silent is sometimes impossible. Repressed thoughts or feelings eventually surface; when they do, the longer I allow them to fester, the more toxic and harder they are to rein in.

The bottom line is comfort. For me, if I’m not strong in my convictions and resolute about where I stand, I cannot speak out. There are moments when I feel that my time is better spent working on my own self-worth; exercising my ego and feeding my brain. I have to be certain I know what I am talking about before I spout off. I have to fact check myself and do my homework. Then and only then, can I speak my mind.This is the way for me to defend myself, debate and walk away with pride. Self-empowerment is mighty strong and an effective tool for healthy living.

I believe the more time you spend on reflection and self-improvement, the more people will want to be in your company.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea starting today, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv (I’m not holding my breath).

Current State of Mind

I’m extremely excited about the trip I’m taking today. It will be a journey, but I’m certain, one I will never regret or forget.

As for the political climate? At this point, all I can do is hope that my fellow humans will use their heads and follow their hearts.

Please forgive any grammatical or typographical errors. Thank you.

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

Inside the Mind of An Introvert

I recall sitting alone on my Airbnb terrace in Marseille this past June (my view above). I had a coffee in my hand and I was thinking of you. I can love my friends and family and still enjoy being alone.

I have always been concerned that my desire to be by myself would be misinterpreted. I feel less this way these days; however, I still occasionally have to explain myself to others. I hope this helps:

The Signs Are All There

How do I know that I’m introverted? A few tell-tale signs:

  1. I took the Myers-Briggs test numerous times and I always come up introverted. (see below for explanation).
  2. I prefer being myself to being with people. NOT ALWAYS.
  3. When I’m attending a social gathering, I have to go out of my way to be social.
  4. I have many, many brothers and sisters. Doesn’t that explain why I’m introverted?
  5. If I’m in a crowded place for any length of time, I become anxious and often feel the need to leave.
  6. I usually prefer to travel alone.
  7. Being alone recharges my batteries.
  8. I can eat alone, shop alone, see a film alone, go to theatre or a concert alone, sleep alone and be alone with my thoughts.

The trait of extraversion–introversion is a central dimension of human personality theories. The terms introversion and extraversion were popularized by Carl Jung,[1] although both the popular understanding and psychological usage differ from his original intent. Extraversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior.

Extraversion and introversion are typically viewed as a single continuum, so to be high in one necessitates being low in the other. Carl Jung and the developers of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator provide a different perspective and suggest that everyone has both an extraverted side and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. Rather than focusing on interpersonal behavior, however, Jung defined introversion as an “attitude-type characterized by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents” (focus on one’s inner psychic activity) and extraversion as “an attitude type characterized by concentration of interest on the external object” (focus on the outside world).[3

There are times when I tell friends that I am an introvert and they challenge me. I’m often told that I am far too social to possibly be an introvert. Those who know me well, know that there are days when I just need to be by myself. One of the many reasons I moved overseas was to spend more time alone. The older I get the more introverted I become. There is absolutely no danger in becoming a hermit, I love my friends and family too much for that to happen.

I know people who can never be alone. My mother was such a person. She would call anyone or go anywhere so that she could have company. I guess that would be a case of extreme extroversion or perhaps it was fear; fear of having to be with oneself.  When I was a kid, my mother would climb the attic stairs; my bedroom was in the attic, just to chide me about being in my room alone. She would practically force me to go outside to play. If you have children that tell you that they’d rather read or write or play games, for goodness sake, let them be.

Sometimes it feels like a stigma or illness. It should feel normal and comfortable and it should be accepted by all. Perhaps someday the extroverts who feel threatened by introverts, will understand.

Accepting that I am an introvert has helped me to come to terms with many aspects of my personality. I do at times force myself to be in social situations; not only because it can be extremely satisfying, but also because I think it’s an important part of being human.

A couple of good resources for understanding: https://maricarmenpizarro.com/introverts-vs-extroverts-can-you-effectively-manage-if-you-are-a-natural-introvert/

https://personalityjunkie.com/introverts-dilemma/

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea next week, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

I had my floors refinished this past week. It meant moving out of my apartment and staying in an Airbnb in the Old Town of Faro. It was interesting to be on the other side of my city. It confirmed two important things for me: first, I am living in the “right” part of town (less noise and fewer tourists) and second, Paco is most happy when he is home.

I have hated my cherry parquet flooring since the day I purchased my condo. I’m sure they were beautiful and current when they were laid 50 years ago, but for me they were outdated and too dark. I waited almost six years to refinish them because it would mean turning my life upside down for a week. The relief I feel today is immense; I will question why I waited so long for longer than I should. And this was a whole lot easier than buying and selling.

Being Alive
Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep

That’s true, but there’s more than that
Is that all you think there is to it?
You’ve got so many reasons for not being with someone, but Robert
You haven’t got one good reason for being alone
Come on, you’re on to something, Bobby
You’re on to something

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell

You’re not a kid anymore, Robert
I don’t think you’ll ever be a kid again, kiddo
Hey, buddy, don’t be afraid that it won’t be perfect
The only thing to be afraid of really is that it won’t be
Don’t stop now, keep going!

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share
A little, a lot

And what does all that mean?
Robert, how do you know so much about it when you’ve never been there?
It’s much better living it than looking at it, Robert
Add ’em up, Bobby, add ’em up

Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through
Who’ll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish
Want something, want something

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody sit in my chair and ruin my sleep
And make me aware of being alive
Being alive

Somebody need me too much
Somebody know me too well
Somebody pull me up short and put me through hell
And give me support for being alive
Make me alive
Make me alive

Make me confused
Mock me with praise
Let me be used
Vary my days
But alone is alone
Not alive

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you, to help us survive
Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Stephen Sondheim (my all time favorite composer and lyricist)

Posted on by CP

Define Fun

Looking Within for Answers

I included the fireworks photo just to remind myself how much I dislike them. If you’d seen my great dane freak out during 4th of July fireworks, in New York City, when I was 18 years old, you’d understand. Also, any loud bangs, pops, or explosions are hard on my ears.

Fun

noun

  1. enjoyment, amusement, or light-hearted pleasure. Oxford Languages dictionary

Let’s go with light hearted pleasure . . .

What Fun Once Meant

What I thought of as being “fun” has naturally changed throughout my life. When I was five years old, playing on a rocking horse was fun; at fifteen, it was a film with popcorn at my local movie theater; in my 20s it was a night on the dance floor . . . you get the picture. Drinking until I passed out was never fun for me, nor was taking drugs or vandalizing my neighborhood. I’ve always been somewhat conventional and on the quieter side. I don’t see the point in fighting your proclivities.

This topic is front and center due to recent comments made by friends and acquaintances:

  • Isn’t croquet an old persons’ game?
  • Isn’t Mah Jongg a women’s game?
  • Aren’t you missing out on a lot of fun by not going out at night?
  • Come out with us Friday night, you’ll have fun!
  • You may be using Paco as an excuse to stay home.
  • Are you traveling too much?

None of these comments were meant to hurt my feelings; however, depending on the delivery, they can be considered stupid.

How Fun Has Morphed Over time

Admittedly, discovering what is fun can be experimenting with an activity or trying out something new. I remember going hang gliding and wondering if the thrill of soaring through the atmosphere without an engine would become a hobby; it did not. There was a time when I thought camping by a fire was fun; not so much now. A comfy bed and climate control is more my style. It’s good to know what you like and what you don’t like.

Getting older factors into what I currently consider fun, but not for the reasons you might think. It’s not because I’m limited in what I can do, or that I fear death, or that I resent young people. It has a whole lot more to do with having lived a full life. I’ve tried many things and I have a fairly good idea about what makes me happy.

Always Fun

The following has and will always bring me great pleasure: live theater, good food & alcohol, a good night’s sleep, being in the sun on a warm (not hot) day, reading a good novel, that first cup of coffee in the morning, conversations with smart people, sitting by a fire on a cold night, a long walk on a beautiful day, time with my pet, travel, a good film, playing poker, swimming in the ocean, listening to music, hosting a dinner party, and laughter — no doubt all will remain on my pleasure list until I die.

Great to be reminded of how long my list is.

Future Fun

I’m becoming more of a homebody as I grow older. I like my creature comforts. I enjoy slow, quiet days and early to bed nights. I like a glass of wine and a good film on Netflix. I love a home cooked meal. When the weather is warm, I enjoy a light dinner on the terrace at sunset. I’m not sure I’d classify all of these activities as “fun” per se, but they certainly do give me pleasure.

Travel can be fun, but it can also be exhausting and anxiety producing. The key to the future enjoyment of travel will be hassle free, safe, well planned travel; travel with like-minded friends and family.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

I’m very excited about South Africa. Paco is eating well and looking good. My floors are being refinished in a bold, bright white next week. By the end of the day yesterday, I was so exhausted that I was worried about walking Paco. I am occasionally reminded that I am no longer a young man; makes me wonder what 80 may feel like.

“Pleasure is the only thing one should live for, nothing ages like happiness.”

― Oscar Wilde

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What is the Truth I Seek?

I Need to Figure This One Out

I started this blog a few days before Christmas and decided to hold off on publishing it until after the New Year. Two reasons: first it was too big a question for that time of the year and I was about to rant. As I get older and find myself with time on my hands, more and more, I seek the truth. But what is “the truth?” The meaning of life (for me that would be truth) is so huge that I’m not sure my average brain can even begin to contemplate the answer. I even have “truth” tattooed on my forearm. Well it was either that or a bowl of pasta — I think I chose well.

I want to start with a statement that works for me: your truth is your truth, no one else has to share, accept or believe your truth. This statement or a version of it, is what I often repeat in my head. Those who try to force or impose their truth on others, will find that most individuals will justifiably resist. Right or wrong does not live in this particular space.

In an attempt to make it easier to explore the answer, I’m negating the constructs that do not apply to my truth. For example: religion, nationalism, war, false narratives, monetary wealth (acquiring more than you need), and forced values. The aforementioned do not apply to me because I do not subscribe to them. For example, war — war is not the answer to a dispute between countries. There are certainly other proven ways to resolve issues. It is my belief that leaders use war to further division and keep the focus off of systemic problems closer to home. We are being manipulated on a daily basis; not a conspiracy theory, great minds have shown us how this works. You can be pissed off about it or work around it.

When seeking my truth, I therefore, look beyond the distractions swirling around me. The media has become the worst culprit. When tuning into the news of the day, I maintain a filter which can help me see through sensationalism and bias. A volcano eruption in New Zealand is a fact. The scope of damages is fact. The impact on the area is fact. This particular news bite is safe for consumption. But the discussion of the Royal family and how people are digesting news of Prince William and Harry’s latest riff — that news is conjecture and sensationalism; how it is reported is filled with bias. It is designed to persuade you to feel a certain way and to manipulate your thoughts. I find it offensive and demoralizing and it’s only getting worse. Unfortunately, many take it at face value, failing to hear it through a discerning filter. Critical thinking is lost on the masses these days.

So What’s My Point

For me, getting to the truth is essential. There was a time I cared more about what others thought of the truth; today, not-so-much. The focus is now on me and what I think. I discovered the hard way, that people tend to believe whatever they choose to believe and little can be done to persuade them otherwise. I no longer have the energy to even try.

Quick story: my mother was convinced that Barack Obama was Muslim; she was certain that he hid his true religion from voters. A lot of this had to do with “Hussein,” being his middle name. Where this notion came from I cannot tell you, but she believed it was true. I worked hard to convince her otherwise and failed on several occasions. I was of the belief that if I could present the facts and get her to see she was wrong, she’d vote for Obama for president. After too many conversations to count, I gave up. The truth I did not want to accept was that she was a racist and her (and many others) belief that a black president would ruin the country. Surely, if elected, he’d give billions away to minorities and make life miserable for middle class whites. How did I know she felt this way? “Chris, look what happened when New York City elected a black mayor; the city almost went bankrupt.” The only fact in that statement was that NYC had a black mayor. I wasn’t fighting one lie, I was arguing with the 43 people in my mother’s life who were convinced a black president would send us down a rabbit hole of crime and corruption. I started hating my mother and everyone she associated with. It was unhealthy and unproductive. In the end, she told me that she decided not to vote because her vote didn’t matter. Did I even make a dent in changing her thinking? I doubt it.

The focus on my own truth is far easier to manage. Admittedly, there are times when I have doubts that I can actually get to the truth. The Epstein case for example. Will any of us know whether or not he committed suicide in that jail cell? Clearly, many high profile individuals preferred him silenced for good. This truth may never be revealed. I not only find this troubling, but it also casts doubt on so any other societal institutions we often rely on to help us to find the truth: law enforcement, courts, and politicians we might otherwise trust. Finding the truth is nearly impossible. I suspect it’s the main reason for the public’s suspicion of politicians and political parties. People chose a side based on a gut feeling rather than facts; facts are almost impossible to discern.

Why it Matters

My moral compass was shattered as a child. My mother (and this is fact), was untrustworthy. She did things I’ve stated in previous blogs that I was ashamed of. I’d go to sleep swearing that I would never live that way. I cannot say that I am an angel; however, I do try my very best to stay true to myself and do right by others. For me, it is at the very least a guideline that helps me navigate life and relationships. You can make mistakes, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on.

Ultimately, laying my head on my pillow at bedtime is a much more pleasant experience when I have sought the truth and accepted my findings. The answer is not always definitive and that has to be okay.

You are welcome to weigh-in.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

There are times in my life when I feel more like an observer, than a participant — this is one of those times. I’ll try to describe exactly what I’m currently experiencing. Rather than actually standing in the bathroom shaving my face, it feels more like I’m standing outside of the bathroom, watching myself shave my face. It’s a kind of detachment and an absence of focus on details. I have to be careful not to have an accident, because it’s too easy to become distracted while in this frame of mind. It’s usually temporary, lasting days, not weeks. I have no explanation or cause. If I were to speculate, I’d say that it’s a defense mechanism. Perhaps I am deeply disturbed about something and this is a way to avoid feeling the emotions; I honestly don’t know. At this point in my life, I have accepted that some personal truth may never come to light. In the end, I will die and my truth with die with me.

“You discover nothing; you only learn of
what you have been ignorant of so far.”
― Lamine Pearlheart, To Life from the Shadows

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Coming to Terms With Aging

Update along with additional content to 2018 blog

Could be me in 10 years

I tackled this blog topic five years ago; shortly after my relocation to Portugal. At that time my life was in a state of upheaval: the shutting down of my consulting business for an early, unplanned retirement, selling my home and leaving Maine, buying in a foreign country, saying goodbye to friends and family, losing Giorgio (my pet), financial instability, Trump’s America, and approaching 60. In general, gay men struggle with aging. The idea that my body was changing and that I was no longer a young man, hit me hard. My anxiety level and life’s uncertainties are reflected in my writing back in 2018. When I look back on my journal entries and my blog, I wonder if I could ever replicate that kind of strength; I was running on high octane. Today I am stable, secure in my decision to reside in Portugal, career averse, and feeling very much alive at 64. A look back and an update:

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

When I made the decision to leave the States:  my friends, my family, and my home; I also made the decision to leave some baggage behind. I’m not ashamed to say I have baggage; I’m fairly certain that all adults have baggage and lots of it. Coming to terms with getting older and losing my youth has been one of the most difficult challenges of my life. As with so many other things I write about, I know others share my angst.

I decided a while back that rather than ignore the inner turmoil around aging, I would face those feelings head on. I challenged myself to look in the mirror when I preferred looking away, to light heartedly tug on the sagging skin under my chin, to grab and hold onto my growing love handles; by doing this, I am fully embracing every imperfection. In truth, they are only imperfections because I identify them as such. I am learning that it is much healthier to just accept my aging body. To admire every line and to see the aches and brown spots as a reminder that I have lived a life. Not so easy. Often I take two steps forward and three steps back. I know that it’s a process and I am determined to conquer this challenge. I welcome your thoughts on the subject.

Update: Going to the gym five or six days a week is a very positive experience. My gym in Faro has a diverse clientele; all nationalities, ages and sizes. People are extremely friendly and save for the very young, I feel seen and accepted. Although I ache all over — not the case when I moved to Portugal, I mostly feel really good. I have accepted my aging body and I do what I can to stay healthy.

Quick story: there is this Portuguese guy at the gym whom I only know as a gym acquaintance. The day Trump lost in 2020, he approached me while working out on a machine, voice raised and veins popping from his neck. This is just some of what he said, “You must be happy now that Biden won the election. Maybe this guy will give you what you want. I don’t know why you people need your own fucking parade anyway. You make me sick.” I see him at the gym almost everyday. That which doesn’t kill you . . .

My new Mediterranean diet consisting of a healthy breakfast, a substantial lunch and a dinner snack (about a third of what I used to consume for dinner), is helping to keep my weight down. I sleep better because my belly is no longer full at bedtime. I have found that my body rhythms respond best to an early bedtime and early wake-up pattern. It also helps when I drink less alcohol in the evening. I find an occasional cocktail (twice a week), and a maximum of two glasses of wine, prevents the alcohol from interfering with sleep. It helps that my daily life is more stable and that the stresses of a career and a life partner are no longer factors. Having a healthy pet and a beautiful home, also contribute to a better life. But mostly it has to do with the work I have done in “cleaning up” my act. Getting rid of unhealthy relationships, accepting who I am despite my limitations, worrying less, and being grateful for what I have and where I landed.

Men are from Mars . . .

I don’t think it is sexist or stereotyping to state that this aging gracefully challenge is greater for women and gay men. Western society places a great deal of pressure on these two groups to stay young — the goal being to remain desirable. You have an inner ego voice urging you to walk into a room and be noticed. When this stops happening, and it stopped for me over 20 years ago, you begin to feel less than.

There are things I have done to convince myself that I am still young and vital. One of them is something many men with means do, gay or straight, and that is to buy a shiny new sports car. I’ve done this more than once and although it does actually help make you believe you are young and fetching, trust me, it doesn’t last. Another thing I have done is to shop and purchase clothing that is suited for a younger man. I actually wore skinny jeans for a few months last year, a truth I am not proud to admit. Thank goodness I came to my senses by summer. Why didn’t anyone tell me that it was very wrong? (This was five years ago, but still). I know that my friends and family members are reluctant to share their thoughts in fear of hurting my feelings or facing a defensive me — I assure you that I’d rather be gently slapped into a more appropriate conscious state.

When I Started Feeling the Effects of Aging (again 5 years ago)

I’m getting very close to being 60, so it may be difficult to recall when I started to feel the effects of aging. I remember when my hair started thinning and receding in college, I became very concerned about baldness. Although embracing baldness seems to be more prevalent these days, clearly society and the media place a huge emphasis on a full head of hair. When a person is described as someone who is getting older and letting themselves go, “fat and bald” are usually adjectives used in that description. If you yourself are bald, that seems somewhat derogatory. Now I know there are women out there that will say that they find baldness in men attractive. I believe that to be true because women are much less concerned with physical attractiveness and more concerned with character and other attributes — sorry for the generalization, but that’s been my experience (it’s what women tell me). And you gay men know what I’m talking about. Just go to a gay resort and you’ll see what I mean. Many men cover up their bald heads in shame or surround themselves with eye candy in order to feel better about themselves.

Then there is the “fat” part of that “fat and bald” description. We all know that it is more difficult to keep weight off when you’re older. Some reach a point in their lives when they can afford a nicer bottle of wine and a thick steak and then find themselves having to cut back on these things because they negatively affect their health; not just their appearance, but their overall health. I don’t have to tell you about heart attack rates, stroke, diabetes and other weight related illnesses. At a certain age you begin to think about the future and your quality of life.

Loss (new)

I lost a good friend this year; the first person I came out to and an individual I have loved and admired for over 40 years. Watching Angela succumb to cancer was difficult. She was always youthful and optimistic; a fighter until the end. Our fathers were both born in Puglia, Italy; my father adored her. Angela’s death has helped me to appreciate life.

As you get older, the losses begin to pile up: parents, friends, former lovers, former classmates, and celebrities you felt you knew and grew up with. Grieving is not easy; however, there is so much one can learn from the process. I’m not a religious man, but I do feel the presence of those I have lost all around me. They are cheering me on, boosting me up, giving me the strength to carry on with grace.

Slowing Down the Process

There are a number of people in my life who believe they have discovered the formula for keeping aging at bay. They take 23 supplements at various times of the day, they eat only fresh vegetables they personally witnessed being plucked from the ground; no bread, no carbs, no meat, no alcohol, no life! And then of course it is essential that they share their healthy lifestyle with us and convince us that they know better . . . “Well the experts said so.” I have always said that if I learned today that I would live five years longer if I never ate bread again, I would eat bread and die a happy fella.

“What helps with aging is serious cognition – thinking and understanding. You have to truly grasp that everybody ages. Everybody dies. There is no turning back the clock. So the question in life becomes: What are you going to do while you’re here?”

— Goldie Hawn

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Future Travel

Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland, Scotland, Norway land & sea in May, and Oslo, July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv. I know you may not see it, but this is a much lighter travel schedule than the past.

Current State of Mind

I’m excited to spend Christmas with a good friend and her family in Lyon. I consider myself a very fortunate fella.

I normally hate photos of myself, but I looked at this one and thought: okay, this looks like me and I don’t mind it. Seven surgeries (not cosmetic), a couple of car accidents, a few tough break-ups, years of working with difficult people, the passing of several siblings and friends, and I’m still here.

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Triggers and Such

I Have a Few

What is a trigger in mental health?

In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment (healthline.com).

I was in the middle of writing this and I happened to see Hugh Grant being interviewed on a talk show. He was asked if there is anything these days that pisses him off (paraphrasing). He said, “There are so many things.” Having watched this actor go through some very difficult times, It felt good to know I am not alone. I suspect a few of you reading this will agree.

I’m going to start by stating some of the things that trigger me:

  • when people do not listen when others are speaking directly to them
  • when someone jumps ahead in line
  • lying, cheating, and deception
  • when I share how I feel or what I think and the person I’m talking to immediately gets defensive (I have to be careful because I sometimes get defensive)
  • when someone gets away with a violation of the law, when others have been severely punished for the same crime
  • when people do not pick up their dog poop
  • the revving of motorcycle engines (noise pollution; usually teenagers and usually when I’m reading)
  • when someone cuts me off while I’m driving
  • when someone pushes me
  • when someone yells at me
  • when google maps sends me in circles or to the wrong address
  • people who try to enter a train or elevator before those who are exiting
  • when I’m sitting at an outdoor café on a beautiful day and someone at the table next to me is doing something to ruin the experience (could be any number of things)
  • when government agencies deliberately use red tape to deter you from pursuing a benefit
  • when people talk during a film
  • when parents do nothing to quiet their screaming babies
  • when people speak loudly on their cell phones (especially on public transportation)
  • when salespeople try to tell me what I need
  • when doctors (or other professionals) are condescending
  • when someone drinks like a fish (or orders a Tomahawk) at dinner and wants to split the check
  • when young people take a seat on public transportation and then fail to offer their seat to those who need to sit
  • when an individual insists on talking to me about their religion even when I insist I am not interested
  • when individuals use a public restroom and leave it a mess
  • when someone comes to my house for a dinner party and says, “I meant to bring you something, but I forgot” or “I didn’t have time to stop.”

As I was typing, I realized my list is endless. I’d love to know about your triggers.

My Reaction to Being Triggered

I imagine that many of you will relate to how it feels to be triggered. It seems like it doesn’t take much to set people off these days. Lately, my immediate reaction to being triggered is rage. After the initial internal explosion of anger, I assess the situation. Is it safe for me to communicate my displeasure? Unfortunately, most people cannot handle feedback; therefore, I have to hold back. This has been true for past relationships and interaction with family as well. Baggage I have carried with me since childhood has had a big impact on my everyday life. The things that trigger me have remained fairly consistent; what has changed is how I react.

What Control Looks Like

If I can diffuse my anger and walk away, that is by far the best response. I take a deep breath and consider a healthy way to cope. If I’m on the road, I try my best to switch to soothing music. If the anger builds and I feel myself remaining tense, I pull over and sit for a while. If I’m on the street, I cross over to the opposite side. If I’m in a shop, I leave. If I need to buy something, I go to another part of the shop and wait a few minutes.

When I worked in an office I had no choice but to completely control my anger. Considering I worked in the same place for 16 years and I was promoted several times, I must have been successful at holding back. I recall walking to my office, closing the door, and taking several deep breaths. Ultimately I did lose my cool with my boss and then resigned a few days later; however, in all fairness, it was time.

I think when you can control your anger in the workplace, you should be able to do it everywhere else. If you find you have trouble responding in a healthy way, there are people and organizations available to help. I found that a life coach, was a life saver.

The Work

Ah the hard work that needs to be done — it ain’t easy. In order to prevent myself from becoming an angry old man, I need to be aware of my triggers and work on my reaction. I need to react in a healthy way, without the help of substances. Here’s the plan:

  1. The first thing I need to do is choose healthy responses to most situations. Create a tool box with tools I can call upon.
  2. I need to practice with someone I trust. I need to be fully present.
  3. After I try a response, I need to assess the success of said response. Did I remain calm? Did I carry the anger with me all day or night? If I was able to diffuse the anger, what did I learn from it?
  4. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until a successful response becomes my go to in the future.
  5. Do a regular check on where I am with anger control.
  6. Congratulate myself for making progress and learning new behaviors.
  7. Ask people I trust, how I’m doing.

One needs to also keep in mind that some amount of anger is healthy — it’s good to feel rage, so long as you can control it.

What I Strive For

Ultimately, I’d like to be nonplussed by my triggers — I’d like to stop caring as much as I do. For example, I witness someone leaving dog poop on the street and I either pick it up myself or turn the other way. No lingering anger or resentment, just acceptance and a version of indifference.

I don’t want to be “that guy.” That guy who pisses and moans about everything; that guy who is labeled “negative;” that guy who doesn’t see the good in things or people; that guy with a short fuse; that guy who doesn’t care about anything. I want to be known as easygoing and sexy (just wanted to be sure you were paying attention).

I observed a person I was spending time with yesterday, being triggered several times. I observed several passive aggressive responses to their anger. A great way to learn how not to respond. Nobody likes the tension caused by this sort of reaction. This is why Karens are unpopular.

Please feel free to subscribe. Add your email and my blog will be sent whenever it’s published.

Future Travel

Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway, July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv. I know you may not see it, but this is a much lighter travel schedule than the past.

Current State of Mind

I’m having my wood floors refinished next month and it will be a big mess (I don’t like messes). In anticipation, I am taking it easy and keeping plans to a minimum. I know that my life will be turned upside down for at least a week in mid-January; therefore, I’m enjoying the holiday season and the quiet that I am experiencing now.

Namaste
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All Kinds of Friendships

Who are your true friends?

I asked this question a couple of years back, however, this question has become so much a part of my present life, I thought I would revisit it. The holiday season is a good time to evaluate your relationships and make healthy changes. Friendships are as important as any other relationship in your life.

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and it would be difficult to share my thoughts on all of them; therefore I will focus on just a few. The following five types:

  1. A life partner
  2. A close friend
  3. A sibling
  4. Your parent as friend (being childless, I do not feel equipped to write about this matter from the parent’s point of view)
  5. A co-worker

My close friends are extremely important to me. I hold these friends near and dear and would do just about anything for them. Admittedly, there are times I’d also like to string them up, and well, you know. The friendships I cherish the most were established many years ago, but having said that, I do have several friends that I only met over the last few years. Nearly six years ago, I left a state I resided in for less than five years; yet several of my close friends live in Maine. This was a pivotal time in my life and a couple of people showed up for me.

You can gauge some friendships by communication (although some friends are better than others at this). When I moved overseas, there were individuals I expected to never hear from again and some that I thought would communicate regularly. As with many things in life, what I expected, has not panned out. Several people I thought would reach out, never have; others that I thought were acquaintances have been great about staying in touch; some even traveled to Portugal to see me. Some people work hard at developing friendships and their persistence can pay off. These days you have to factor in social media, because it doesn’t take much effort to drop a line or two. I truly miss the days of letter writing; writing a letter took time and thought . . . now we text.

The pandemic shed a new light on close friendships; I’m fairly certain a couple of my friends saved me from myself during lockdown. What did we do before Facetime, whatsapp, and Zoom? I regularly shared meals with single friends from the U.S. during lockdown and it made eating so much more fun.

To be clear I am not writing about acquaintances:

acquaintance/noun            

2. a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend. “a wide circle of friends and acquaintances” synonyms: contact, associate, connection, ally, colleague

I am certain you all have acquaintances; if you had an expectation that they would all be close friends, you’d be extremely disappointed . . . and so would they.

I’ve spent a lot of time differentiating close friends from acquaintances this past year. It’s been so much better for my emotional well-being. My expectations are always off-the-charts; therefore, sorting out who my true friends are was/is a good exercise for me. I find it interesting that some people believe they should be considered a close/good friend.

Invest your time, energy, and love, when you have someone in your life who is also invested.

Friendship with a Life Partner

This type of friend is quite unique due to the intimacy factor. Once you have been intimate with someone (and I don’t necessarily mean sex), it’s a game changer. I’m talking about a deeper emotional commitment where there is love and affection. Hopefully, because it matters if it’s true or not, you and your partner have shared moments, where at the time, you cannot imagine a deeper connection. Whether it’s a secret or a thought or a revelation, this kind of sharing creates a bond that can and often does, last a lifetime.

Even when there is a breakup, this close bond will ensure a lasting friendship — if you allow it to happen. Unfortunately, new partners are often intimidated by this kind of friendship and will not tolerate it. If you’re able to see past the jealousy, permitting your partner to be friends with ex-partners can enhance a current relationship. Your partner will see you as open and caring and trusting — all wonderful thoughts about your partner.

Keep in mind that none of us can be all things to all people. Your partner has limitations and expecting this individual to meet all of your needs is unfair and impossible. This is why it is dangerous to not have close friends outside of your relationship. Lean on others occasionally, it will make your relationship lighter, freer, and healthier.

Also, if you are outside of a relationship looking in, what you see from the outside is not always a complete picture. Couples have their own way of loving one another. Aside from physical and emotional abuse, which is never good, disagreeing and gentle prodding can be the sign of a healthy partnership. But do we ever truly know?

I feel fortunate to have an ex who has become a good friend; someone I can talk to, travel with, and rely on. He knows me better than just about anyone else. He can call me on my shit and do it without offending me and I can do the same (I think). Knowing there is someone you can call and they will show-up for you, means everything. It wasn’t easy getting here, but it certainly was worth it.

On the other hand, I had an ex who stopped communicating with me except for a birthday message or a quick reply to a text. I wrote to him to let him know that I felt he was not invested in our friendship. He failed to reply, which spoke volumes. I decided to spare my feelings, therefore, letting it go. I have felt a great deal better since making that decision. I’m not sure what exactly happened there, but since he decided not to share (typical for him), I have to assume he was not and is not invested. Time is too precious to waste it on people who are ambivalent or uninterested in a future with you.

A Close Friend

Your best friends (yes I believe you can have more than one) deserve a category all their own. Because we all know that if you have a life partner, that individual cannot and should not be able to fulfill all of your needs, emotional or otherwise. A close friend can provide an outlet for sharing and a different kind of important intimacy. It can be someone to talk to about your life partner or boyfriend/girlfriend (finding the right pronouns isn’t easy). With a close friend, no topic is out-of-bounds.

A close friend will often know you are in distress even before you know it. This person will be there to help you get through whatever difficulty you are experiencing. Refusing the help of a friend or pushing a friend away is never a good thing. A true friend is a beautiful gift and you can be sure that this person sincerely wants to help. Let this individual know that you appreciate that they are there for you and that you need them and want their love.

I like my privacy and I tend to grieve when I am by myself. A good friend will always allow you “alone” time. If you gently let your friend know that you just need a little time, they will give you what you need.

Caution:  Be careful to make sure that sharing is reciprocated. There is nothing more annoying than a friend who only wants to discuss his or her own woes. Ask questions; show genuine interest and it will elevate the friendship.

Also, do not abuse the generosity of a close friend. Leaning on someone in a time of need is fine, but pick and choose when to lean. Being a constant burden will make a friend second guess the sincerity and value of the relationship. We are only human and all of us have a threshold. Keep your relationships strong by being considerate, nurturing and compassionate. Communicate your needs; assuming your friend knows, is an unfair assumption.

A Sibling

Who knows and understands you better than a brother or sister? Unless you were raised in a different kind of household or there are many years between you and your sibling, this person can be a very close friend. I should not rule out a half-brother or sister who is a great deal older or younger. I had a half-brother who was 20 years older and before he passed away, we became very close. He was actually as much a mentor as a friend. I could share anything with him and he “got” me. The relationship was different from that of a parent because he didn’t feel the need to discipline or direct my behavior; it was all about the freedom to be who we were. It is strange to say this, but even though my brother has been gone for quite a while, that relationship/memory has only gotten stronger. It has taught me that death can be the continuation of a beautiful friendship, however, on a different level.

A sibling who doesn’t judge you, who accepts you for who you are and who provides a level of trust that is achieved in no other relationship, is a treasure to hold dear. I’m a lucky guy because I have a number of siblings I consider close friends.

Your Parent as Friend

It’s not easy being friends with a parent. Very few people I know are friends with their mother or father. When you are young, your parents are disciplinarians and when you get older they want what’s best for you and that often causes conflict. Being friends with your parents can be fulfilling. Practicing patience and forgiveness is key. If you keep in mind that your parents want what is best for you because their love for you is strong, you can be very close friends. You can confide in your parents, you can lean on your parents and you can usually trust your parents. Having a sit down after a disagreement can help both parties achieve a higher level of trust and understanding.

Of course there are always exceptions. My mother always told me that everything was her fault. She’d say this with a half-smile, “Chris, save yourself money on therapy. I am to blame for all of your issues. Yell at me, lash out, be mad; then know how much I love you and move on.”

She was a smart lady, my mom.

Friendship with a parent can go through stages of strength and at times this strength may waiver and that’s okay. Keep in mind that your parents won’t always be around. Bringing you into this world and keeping you safe are not easy tasks to manage. They usually want your friendship and they usually earn it.

I had a deeper friendship with my father; I’m not sure why that was, but what I do know is that it came naturally. There was no judgment, only support, compassion, and sweet memories. The loss of that friendship is felt almost every day. Still, I feel fortunate to have had that friendship for the first 41 years of my life.

A CoWorker As Friend

This can be an incredibly satisfying relationship because you often share so much in common with a coworker. When you’re together socially it can be fun to gripe about your hours or your boss or your salary or your work environment or your benefits or your coworkers or all of the above.

Careful what you say and to whom at work; a true friend will be discreet and he or she will keep what you tell them to themselves. Such a friend is not easy to find; when you do, try your best to hold on to them.

There are those who believe you should not become friendly or be friends with someone who is higher up or subordinate. I have never felt that way. I think as with most things in life, it depends on the person. If your friend is mature and trustworthy, you’ll have nothing to worry about. If others at work have an issue with who your friends are, let them know (in a kind way of course), that it is not really their business. Still, perception and appearance are both important considerations. Managing all of this at work can be challenging. I believe it all boils down to personal integrity. You know who you are. If you are honest, thoughtful and appropriate, you should have nothing to worry about. Always remember that at the end of the day, the only person you truly have to answer to is yourself.

Ending a Friendship

As it goes with all relationships, sometimes they go south. Of course it’s always better if you can repair the damage; however, that is not always possible. Some friendships grow toxic and if that becomes the case, I think it’s better to walk away. If you make that decision for yourself, it’s best to come clean with the individual. This business of just disappearing isn’t very fair to the other person and often, closure is necessary. Otherwise, you have this unpleasant, unfinished business hanging over you. That being said, this task is not easy.

I recently attempted to be truthful with a friend about a conversation that disturbed me. Her reaction was unfortunate, defensive and untruthful; she took no responsibility. I have broken my own rule and ended the relationship without stating my intentions. As I get older I am realizing the value of self-preservation and the avoidance of drama. Some people can not handle candor.

Call me a coward, but I often put my thoughts into writing and send an email or letter. This way I can be clear and provide the other person an opportunity to think about what I shared and respond. You can tell a great deal about a person by the way they reply. If they become very defensive, angry, and lash out at you, it validates your decision. If the person sincerely apologizes or asks to see you, it shows that they value your relationship and that they would like to patch things up. I find that the other person often feels the way you do and the friendship will come to an end. If you can work through it as mature adults, you’ll be happy you did the work.

For some, my desire to shed toxic individuals will come across as cold and dismissive. I have decided that I only have time for friends who are loving, forgiving, true, and real. I value my time; I’d prefer that my relationships be authentic and fulfilling. Divorce, partner or friend, is never easy, but sometimes it’s the only healthy solution. Don’t judge others or yourself, judging makes life burdensome.

Politics

I could do an entire blog on friendship and today’s political climate, but if I were to dwell on the topic for more than a few minutes, I’d have to make myself a double.

When Trump was elected president, I was angry, upset, terrified, and disappointed, and I still am to some extent. I let family members know how I felt and some of them shared a version of this:

“Family always comes first and you should never let politics come between you and family.”

And that’s where we disagree.  If I know for a fact that you hated Obama as president because he is African-American, and that you consequently voted for a conservative man because he was going to undo everything the last administration did or that you don’t believe a woman can hold our highest office, then I do not want to be your friend and it is has undoubtedly come between us. Does that mean that I love immigrants (migrants) and medicaid recipients more than I love my family and friends? It does not; however, what it does mean is that I love my fellow human being and when I think about the one percent wealthiest Americans, the biased, the racist, and the greed of some politicians, I am always going to be sympathetic to the poor, the minority, the immigrant, the unemployed, the drug addict, and the LGBT+ community (not an exhaustive list).

Acknowledging the doors that were opened for you or the opportunities you have had that others have not had, will help you to be a more empathetic and giving person.

Reconnecting

Sometimes years go by and you do not hear anything at all from an old friend and then suddenly, there they are sending you an email or calling you on the phone (a call is less likely these days; texting is safer). You wonder of course:  1) why are you hearing from them now? 2) should you respond? and 3) if you don’t respond will you wonder what it was he or she wanted?

People lose touch with one another for all sorts of reasons. Often, time goes by and one feels reaching out would be awkward and often it is. Be open-minded; reconnecting may be the best thing that ever happened to you. I have had former friends I was upset with contact me and frankly, I couldn’t recall why I was angry with them in the first place. That tells me something: it might have been something very small and petty and perhaps it’s time to get past it. Forgiveness has enhanced my life in so many ways.

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Future Travel

Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway, July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv. I know you may not see it, but this is a much lighter travel schedule than the past.

My Current State of Mind

In one word, “peace.” I feel very much at peace with myself and my surroundings. The weather is keeping the students from the high school across the street inside. There are very few tourists this time of year. I love the holiday spirit I sense all around me. Quiet = calm = peace.

I believe I might contradict myself here or there in this piece. That’s probably due to the inner conflict I feel about friendship. I value my friendships, but at this point in my life, I don’t want to work so hard. I know I’m not that easy to love.

I have been told that I am too sensitive. Perhaps I should own this label. On the other hand, perhaps the people that think I’m too sensitive, could be a bit more sensitive? Acceptance of oneself is key for happiness. I’m working toward the belief that I am enough.

I’m going to switch out “our blessings” with “the planet.” Happy Hanukkah!