Fiction folks, don’t come after me please

The voices in his head tell him to do things he shouldn’t do. Open a bag of chips at 2:00 a.m., call his ex and hang up, pour a third glass of wine; innocent enough. Not lately. Lately the voices are louder, more demanding. A couple of days ago he walked up to a stranger and told him that if he didn’t pick up his dog’s shit he was going to shove it in his face. To Mark’s surprise, the guy picked it up and said nothing. Certainly not the outcome he expected; especially not in Camden, New Jersey.

This emboldened voice worried him. What if Mark did what it told him to do and he wound up dead or worse; perhaps in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He decided that a therapist wasn’t going to solve this problem; what he needed was solitude.

In the meantime, Mark keyed a car that was parked on the sidewalk, he destroyed a motorbike that had somehow lost its muffler (the owner of the bike lived two streets away from his house), and he accidently pelted a selfie taker with an extra large egg. He didn’t want to or mean to do any of these socially unacceptable things, but that voice was ever present and insistent.

Mark was feeling conflicted, not knowing if he would be held accountable for his bad and perhaps even criminal behavior. After all, he was not that guy. Or was he? Was this voice speaking to him his own thoughts? Nah, he would never think that egging someone might be appropriate.

After months of trying to mitigate this vindictive voice, he decided to tell someone. Choosing whom to confide in was not an easy task. Most of the people in Mark’s life would either judge or disown him. He was already a loner, therefore, losing non-existent friends was not an option. He was certain that his family was more fucked up than he was, so he ruled them out as confidants. There was this one guy at work that he thought could handle his dark thoughts. Gary was also a loner, usually quiet, and often aloof. He was sort of an enigma to most of their co-workers. Mark knew that these days, this type of person was just ignored or totally avoided. Gary couldn’t care less how people treated him or spoke to him. Mark had never thought much about it before, but he decided that he liked Gary.

Gary, you got a minute?

What’s up?

There’s something I want to run by you. Are you up for a beer after work?

Sure Mark, but you’re buyin’.

Of course, whatever.

Mark must have changed his mind about telling Gary six times, but when it was time to leave work, he made the decision to alleviate some of the burden and unload. Mark suggested a pub about six blocks away. He wanted to make sure that no one from work would overhear them talking.

They sat staring at their hands on the table for the first five minutes. Mark finally said,

Hey Gary, do you ever feel like your mind is telling you to do things you may not want to do?

Like whatcha mean?

For example, you’re standing over the sink and your brain tells you to smash a glass your washing against the wall.

Oh yeah, I’ve had that kind of thing happen.

Really? Have there been other things your head has told you to do?

Well yeah, but why are you asking?

You want another beer?

Gary went on to share some of the things he’d done. Mark wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He told Mark that he’d recently gone to the house of their boss to set his shed on fire. Mark gathered from their conversation that he didn’t appreciate being written-up for being ten minutes late. Some of his other confessed crimes were less troublesome. By the end of their four pints and numerous trips to the bathroom, they both knew they’d have to do something to quiet their dangerous thoughts. They made a pact not to do anything else without saying something to the other first.

A couple of weeks went by; Gary would pass Mark on the way into work and say nothing. Then one day he texted Mark to ask me if he wanted to get a beer after work and this time he’d be buying. Mark was a bit worried about Gary’s state of mind, but he was curious as well. They met at the same pub and chose a corner table. Gary was smiling, something Mark had never seen him do.

Mark quietly listened to Gary as he shared a plan he’d hoped Mark would help him to execute. Mark learned that Gary was married up until about two years ago. They didn’t have any kids together, but he had to move out of the house and say goodbye to his dog. Gary was bitter about his failed relationship and the loss of his dog and he needed to shake it off.

What amazed Mark was watching this quiet, introspective, and complicated man come to life. He became animated and showed passion in ways Mark had not seen before. Gary was slowly building up to an ask. He told Mark that there was something he hoped they could accomplish together, that he could not do it alone.

Gary went on to share his plan. It had to do with work, which Mark had anticipated. Gary had watched the management team fly on private jets, drive high-end company cars, and boast about big expensive accounts, for years. Whenever it was time to evaluate wages and benefits, there was never any money. He was sick of it. Mark had noticed it as well, but he wrote it off as typical corporate greed. His ears pricked-up when Gary said something about teaching the management team a lesson.

Just as Gary was about to share his plan, he asked Mark what he was thinking. Mark said he agreed with Gary that it wasn’t right, but he wasn’t ready to lose his job over it. Gary nodded and said,

Tell you what Mark, I’m going to zip it and let you sleep on it. This way you’ll know nothing about my plan and you can never be accused of being an accomplice. Let’s call it a night and revisit this at another time. Mark agreed that sitting on this for a while might be best. They shook hands and said goodnight.

As Mark walked to his car, he couldn’t help but imagine what Gary might be planning. He admitted to himself that the voices were stronger than ever and that he needed to act on them soon; he also knew that no good could come from it. He wanted to text Gary right then and there to share that he was in, but he didn’t know what that meant. He decided to wait until the next day — what difference would a day make?

His coffee brewing and his dog Kelly let out to do his business, Mark turned on the morning news. Saturday’s were usually light news days, but something caught his attention immediately. Running across the screen there was news breaking that six executives from Argyle, Mark’s company, were found dead in their cabins while on a company retreat about 50 miles north of Camden. When the newscaster finally got around to reporting the deaths, he said that it appeared they were asphyxiated. The executives were all male and the four who had wives had not brought them on the trip. Mark was relieved that only the CEO and five vice presidents were found dead; there were no other casualties.

The first thing Mark thought he should do was call the police, but what would he tell them? At this point he didn’t know for sure that it was Gary who was responsible for the murders; in fact, the newscaster said that the deaths may have been accidental.

Minutes later Mark received a text from Gary:

Are you watching the news? It’s incredible, I mean, they were all scumbags, but I wouldn’t have wished them dead.

Mark didn’t reply. He was in such deep shock, he didn’t know how to respond. One thing was certain, he would never have agreed to any plan with this sort of outcome. His demons hoped to cause some discomfort, perhaps a bit of psychological pain, but never death.

Mark continued to follow the news; however, not much had been learned about the cause of the gas leak. The men had all been in the main cabin, sleeping in separate bedrooms. There had been no sign of a break-in and there were no surveillance cameras in the house. The cameras outside had been turned off for weeks. It seems as if Gary had been planning this for quite some time.

On Monday morning, all 160 employees were gathered up by Human Resources. They were told that the Board of Trustees would be putting a new management team in place. The families of the men who perished would be announcing the details of their funerals very soon. The employees would be given time-off to attend. Mark glanced over at Gary who sat quietly staring ahead. No one seemed to suspect that he may have been responsible. The two sat down for lunch in the canteen later that day. Gary did not say a word about the incident.

Weeks passed and it was business as usual at Argyle. Gary and Mark never spoke of what took place the night the six men died in their sleep. Mark had decided that he had dodged a bullet; he respected Gary for his decision to act alone. He assumed Gary was responsible, but perhaps it was a tragic accident; he’d never know. In the meantime, the voices in his head remained silent and it would stay that way for the remainder of his days.

State-of-Mind

I have a dear friend who often tells me how much he enjoys this part of my post. I think he likes that it’s raw and unfiltered. But . . . to be honest, few people comment on it. To be even more honest, the voices in my head tell me to share less and less.

New year, new beginnings right? I’m not so sure in my case. Lots of emotional and physical healing in 2025; a little less of that would be a welcome change. I’ve been happier since I cut back on travel. It’s good to be home with Paco, sleeping in my own bed and eating my own food (most of the time). I enjoy eating out, but it was a big part of my career. It had unfortunately become burdensome and tedious. When I indulge in restaurant dining now, I like for it to be special — sharing simple food and drink with friends.

A new gym is a welcome change — better hours, cleaner, and less socializing. I go to the gym for a workout and for quiet.

Paco, my six year old pooch, has been fighting a tough battle with a very resistant bacteria over the last 10 months. He’s a trooper, but this fight has me emotionally exhausted. I hope we get relief soon.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, however, I have decided to increase my daily Portuguese lessons to 30 minutes. It’s a difficult language, but after eight years it’s starting to make more sense and it’s now or never.

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” – Josh Billings.