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Our Expectations Are All Out of Whack

Home delivery of liquor on my bicycle in Brooklyn when I was 17 years old, provided a teachable moment which has stayed with me my entire adult life. I walked into my house after four hours of peddling all around my neighborhood, carrying hard liquor for desperate alcoholics. Trust me, it made me grow up fast. My dad, who was rarely home early in the evening, asked me why I had that look of dread on my face. I told him that I had worked hard that evening for next to nothing in tips. My dad, who was very familiar with working for tips, reminded me that I was providing a service to customers who would learn to trust me and be able to rely on me in the future. He assured me that once that happened, the tips would come. He also said that I should learn to never expect a tip. He reminded me that the customer was paying for the product and that the delivery was included in the price. Tipping was not obligatory; therefore, whatever tips I received were an extra bonus and that the amount was entirely up to the customer. He said that I should be grateful to receive anything at all. My father was my guru; any advice was sage advice.

I ended up doing very well at the liquor store. I went on to work for tips at other times in my life; always recalling my father’s wise words. Humility goes a long way when one is performing a service. The bigger lesson here is that expectations are too often unrealistic and sometimes lead to disappointment. This has been a lifelong lesson. I’m not sure if it’s my hard head or sensitive nature, but it has been one of my greatest challenges.

People

My expectations of people have always been way too high and unrealistic. Starting with family, I won’t list my many disappointments because it will only cause anger and resentment toward me. I have learned that most people do not want to hear what you really think. Instead, let me say that these days, my expectations are very low except for one individual whom I know would step up to the plate should I need urgent care. I’ve discovered just how self-absorbed and judgmental family members can be. If I’m going to be honest, there are very few family members I would consider taking in.

Close friends I have known almost my entire life are in a different category. My expectations are high and will remain high. The bond created over years of life’s travails, makes for frank conversation, trust, and loyalty. Expectations are a given; break the trust and the friendship is gone. Unfortunately, I have lost two close friends in recent years over trust issues. One of these friends revealed an unacceptable truth about her hatred toward Muslims and the other took me for granted. Walking away from toxic people is necessary; I have no regrets. Relationships are not always meant to last forever.

Moving overseas has shifted my expectations of strangers. Portuguese people have been kind and warm toward me. Culture and my openness have played a role.

Places

Of all aspects of my life, adapting to new environments has been the easiest. Growing up in Coney Island is probably the main reason, anything after CI was an improvement. The amusement park which once attracted millions, was in decay and losing its allure when I was a child. I have always sought out a better place to live and my instinct has never failed me. Hence, one aspect of my life where expectations for improvement have been met. I think it’s almost better to start low and work your way up; although to be fair, there are parts of the world far worse than Coney Island. In fact, CI is currently going through a period of revival.

Travel is a category where I go from extremely delighted to overwhelmingly disappointed. My expectations have always been far reaching; the case of a big imagination versus lackluster reality. The one good thing that has come from this truth, is the appreciation of home. I can’t complain, I’ve been all around the globe and as a result, I have seen more than most and I have no regrets. I firmly believe that exposure to other parts of the world and other cultures, helps to better understand humankind; our faith, our understanding of how we are connected to the earth and each other, and how we see the future. My expectations for a better future are changing daily and not in a good way. I fear greed, climate change, and diminishing resources. I think humankind’s finest moment has passed. It makes me sad and of course, I hope I’m wrong.

Things

Material things hold less significance for me as I get older. My expectation for the length of time “things” should last has decreased. Appliances are not made to last anymore and technology is always evolving, making devices obsolete after a short period of time. When I moved to Portugal, I realized how easy it is to replace stuff — sometimes with even better stuff. I try not to get too attached to things. Artificial Intelligence will factor heavily in the future, but I do not fear it. I’m hopeful that we will find a way to use it to our advantage and to rein it in when necessary.

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Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, (as I suspected it would be, this cruise has been canceled. I’m looking at other options, this time out of Lisbon; convenient and no airfare). I had little to no expectations; therefore, I am not disappointed.

State-of-Mind

When you live in a place with over 300 days of sunshine a year, rain becomes glorious; at least for me. We’re getting some much needed rain this week and I love it. Also, the kids are not in school for a couple of weeks, therefore, the neighborhood is deliciously quiet. I have this “guy” thing that applies to fixing things; I fixed it so that my new computer is synched with my printer/scanner. It only took four hours, but I’m patting myself on the back as I type. When it comes to technology, my expectations are extremely low. To my credit, I try everything before seeking help.

I’m currently hosting friends from the States. We are making memories.

Note from last week’s blog: I learned that electric buses beep when they are coming and going, so that people will hear them because they are so much quieter than gas powered buses. Oh well, good to know, but I still hate it. I feel the same way about the beeping sound you hear when trucks are backing up.

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

Please excuse typographical and/or grammatical errors. I promise you they occur quite by accident.

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Abandoning My Bucket List

Being a lover of lists has its highs and lows. Write it down, get it done, check it off, and onto the next item. I’ve decided it’s great for my blog and helpful when grocery shopping, but for the big things in life, not-so-much. What tends to happen with me is the following: there is a big build up, I get super excited, I prepare down to the smallest detail, and then, unfortunately, I am underwhelmed. The anticipation was more satisfying than the actual event.

People are overusing the word “organic” these days, however, I’m going to use it because it best describes my latest thoughts on new experiences. Rather than keep a list of things I’d like to do before I die, I’m going to organically go with whatever moves me at the moment — I tend to be fairly boxed in, making this somewhat challenging. When I recently booked Egypt, Greece, Turkey and Tel Aviv for 2025 (one trip, land & sea), I wasn’t thinking about those destinations for travel at all; quite out of the blue, it occurred to me that I’d like to visit these places and I booked the trip. I think the absence of expectations will make travel more enjoyable. I’ve decided to hold off on the research until only weeks prior to the trip. This will help avoid disappointment in case it’s canceled and/or prevent too much pre-trip excitement. I’m thinking it could be canceled due to fighting and unrest in several of these places. If you think me mad, refrain from commenting.

This Too May Change

The freedom to allow myself to change my mind at any time is an important part of quieting my brain. No reason at all to get all caught up in sticking to a plan. To be certain, I’ve had a plan since I was five years old. I’m retired and single for crying out loud. As long as I can get a sitter for Paco, I am untethered and free to explore.

A First World Problem

If you’re thinking, “Poor Chris and his bucket list dilemma,” you are justified in your sarcasm. I am fully aware that there are others far worse off than I. In reality, this is the hand I was dealt and the life I have prepared myself to live. Many years of working hard and denying myself what others have indulged in. I can’t do much to change anyone else’s circumstances; therefore, I spend time contemplating my own life — there it is.

Do you have a bucket list? Do you refer to it? Do you think it’s ridiculous? What’s on your list? Do you share it with others?

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Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Faro has new electric buses. These buses for some reason or another sound off whenever they are approaching or leaving a bus stop; an obnoxious beeping noise. There is a bus stop about 50 feet from my building. Sound carries up to the fifth floor; therefore, when my terrace doors are open, I can hear the electric buses coming and going. I am furious about this annoyance, because I see no reason for it. I cannot imagine it’s for the blind because there are eight to ten lines that operate at the same bus stop. More unnecessary noise pollution as far as I’m concerned. Ambulance . . . I get it, police cars . . . warranted, warning sirens . . . necessary; motorcycles, buses, souped-up cars, and loud teenagers . . . NO! I feel very old and grouchy sharing this — I like quiet.

Friends visiting from the States for Easter, happy days!

“Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need.”

Sarah Ban Breathnach

Please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors. I’m guilty of not being thorough in my proofreading.

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Too Close For Comfort

A near miss that changed my life

I can still see the terror in her eyes. She was young, frightened, and eight months pregnant. I’m as guilty as anyone in that I take near misses for granted. But there is one thing that I will never take for granted and that is the night I came within inches of a head-on collision with a very pregnant woman.

My sister Debbie and I have always been close. Just one year apart and many domestic battles won and lost. We share 99.9% of the same chromosomes and a similar sense of humor. When we are breathing the same air and we find something funny, we laugh until snot covers our faces. This has always and will always be the way we are together. I honestly believe there is no other human who gets me the way she does. Trust is everything if you are to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Our defenses disappear when we are together.

It was a very rainy January night in North Carolina. I was home from University for the weekend and Debbie and I needed to get away from our annoying stepfather. His smoking and drinking was always extreme and our appetite for his nonsense on this particular evening was nil. Without knowing a thing about the impending weather, we ran out of the house and jumped into my Chevy Nova. The rain was heavy and it was chilly, but North Carolina temps rarely went below freezing. We were so pleased that we’d gotten away, we were giddy. “Where do you wanna go?” Debbie asked as she shook off the rain. I replied, “I need BBQ.”

Heavy rain battered the windshield; and the radio was turned way up. We drove on a long stretch of roadway known for speedsters. About halfway to the restaurant, the music was interrupted by an emergency announcement: a cold front was due to arrive at any moment and a deep freeze was expected. I had only arrived in North Carolina months before and I had never experienced a southern deep freeze. Debbie said, “I don’t think it will affect Salisbury. I’m sure it will be worse at the coast;” I shrugged it off.

What happened next was so surreal, I still can’t really wrap my head around it. Within seconds, everything froze. My car began to swerve and we laughed. Clearly others had heard the warning and stayed off the roads. I cannot recall having even an ounce of fear or concern (a problem when you’re young). Debbie seemed to take it in stride and it felt like a very slippery joyride. I recall pointing to frozen solid telephone lines and lampposts, amazed at how thick the ice was. We found ourselves in an unexpected and unwelcome winter wonderland; nearly gliding on the ice.

Debbie was so tickled by the circumstances, she screamed gleefully. Her laughter as always was contagious; so much so my belly hurt. Suddenly our silly joy was interrupted by a jolt; the car spun out of control. I tried turning the steering wheel to the left and right, with no luck; pressing the brake pedal only made it worse. We spun numerous times before finally finding ourselves headed in the wrong direction with a car coming straight for us. I panicked and Debbie screamed. We were not slowing down and I was certain we were going to have a head-on collision. I slammed on the brakes and we spun again, this time sliding inches away from the car we were headed for. I looked out and saw that there was a young woman slumped over in the driver´s seat. I got out of my car and tentatively approached her vehicle. I noticed she was draped over the steering wheel and weeping uncontrollably. I was concerned that she was hurt. I knocked on her window with my knuckles and she looked up. It was then that I noticed that she was extremely pregnant.

She opened her door, stepped out of her car and through her tears, asked if I was okay. I said, I’m fine, are you okay? She said she was okay, but admitted to being a bit shocked; she was shaking badly. I told her that my car had spun out of control and that we ended up on the wrong side of the road. She expressed her relief that we had not collided and I adamantly agreed. She told me that she was about eight months pregnant and on her way to pick up her husband from work. She had also not heard anything about the ice storm. This all happened way before cell phones. Being that the temps were below freezing and there were no other cars in sight, the only thing we could do was to get back in our cars and drive away slowly.

When I returned to my car my sister was sitting very still. When she finally spoke she asked if the other driver was okay. I told her everything and she started crying. The whole ordeal shook us to our core. I told her that we needed to head home and she nodded. I don’t like thinking about what could have happened, but that’s where my mind goes — perhaps that’s not a bad thing. I still don’t know for certain that she returned home safely; I certainly hope she did.

______________________________________________

My driving was never the same after this incident. I’m more careful about weather conditions, I’m more cautious behind the wheel, and my Uber app gets a lot of use. Oh, and I live in a place that never has ice or snow.

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Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Do you ever have anxiety or tension and you have no idea why? I woke up distracted and detached on Sunday. I decided to go out on the terrace and clean up my plant beds — tearing out weeds, repotting, turning up soil; it cleared my head like nobody’s business. It was exactly what I needed to do in order to feel better.

I have a new laptop with a Portuguese keyboard, making blogging a slow and painful process. I thought if I wrote less I would be okay — didn´t happen; neither happened. Time.

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Stay In Your Own Lane

Or Deal With Me

Being born in Brooklyn has its advantages; one of them is bravado. Back in the 60s and 70s, we were taught to fend for ourselves. I’m sure it had a great deal to do with the mafia presence in Brooklyn, street gangs, and the nearly 3.5 million people who resided in a relatively small space.

Growing up closeted may also have a lot to do with my tough exterior. I was only moderately bullied because I put on a good front, but still, my guard was up 24/7. My brothers and sisters were onto me; they let me know that even though they loved me, the sexuality issue could not and would not be overlooked; as if I had a choice. The harder I was beaten down, the more resilient I became.

I don’t care who you are or who you know, come for me or anyone I love and I will make you wish you hadn’t. It’s not a threat, it’s a fact. Some call it aggressive behavior and others call it self-preservation; I call it peace of mind and I make no apologies for it.

What happened to me is not unique, take a look around and you’ll notice similar personality types for those who have been marginalized or ignored. Yet another reason to lift people up, as opposed to putting them down.

A Suit of Armor

The down side of putting up a massive shield is that it sometimes prevents the good stuff from penetrating. I state this as if I have personal experience; I might. I’m told by others who can be far more objective, that my guard is up and my openness to the possibility of a lifelong partner is non-existent. I don’t argue anymore for two reasons: first, I am happy just as I am and second, they could be right and I’d have to admit that might be the case.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” – Bob Marley

Vulnerability

If you want to see my softer side, be genuine and sincere. The divisive behavior I am seeing lately has me very concerned. Pick a side or you’re out seems to be the dominant mentality. If something is needling me; rather than pop-off, I am testing my self-control and staying quiet. Knowing that this is not my usual MO, it’s a good exercise for me. It’s a double edge sword; I may feel better mentally, but I am hurting emotionally.

The Wisdom That Comes With Age

One of the things that I have learned is that certain people love to stir the pot. If things are calm and quiet, they want to get folks riled-up. We all know who these people are; why do we give them air time?

What I have learned and what I am still learning:

  • When someone around you feels compelled to gossip about someone you know, shut them down. “I am not interested in hearing this, thank you.” Or you can walk or move away. This does not include sharing concern for another . . . for example if a person in your group is engaging in self-destructive behavior and you may collectively be able to help them — this is concern and compassion, not gossip. Note the word “help.”
  • People seem to thrive on a tribal mentality: “my tribe is superior and if you’re not on my side, you’re on the wrong side.” Respect for others goes a long way. It doesn’t mean you have to take a cruise with this person, but we can hear each other out and agree to disagree.
  • If people in your social circle are talking about others who are also a part of your circle, those same individuals are probably chatting about you when you’re not around. And I don’t mean innocent small talk (e.g., “where is Chris these days? He’s always traveling.”).
  • Your mental and emotional well-being is directly tied to the well-being of your peers. In other words, stay away from crazy. Some individuals are just not worth it.
  • All individuals have prejudices and stereotypes they hold onto. When as a child, it’s drummed into you at home, in the playground, and in the classroom, how can you not hold onto it as truth. We can all either embrace the truth as fact and try to be better or we can further perpetuate falsehoods (e.g., immigrants are ruining our country).
  • Good people who try to educate others are often beaten down in today’s divided world. No matter how strong you are and no matter how resolute in your quest for truth, after a while it starts to get to you and you can become numb or exhausted and give up the fight. We cannot allow this to happen.
  • I do not appreciate pot-stirrers. There are other ways for one to become stimulated. For example, one could dig a hole in their backyard and bury themselves in it.
  • If you can rest your head on your pillow easily at bedtime, you’re probably doing the right thing. In this case I am referring to good people as opposed to the other kind.
  • If you’re an aging man, urinating may become difficult. Note: I’m not sure this belongs on this particular list, but it needs to go somewhere.
  • Lighten up, chill, let it go, it’s not personal — you’ll live a longer, happier life if you take it all less seriously.
  • The bravado part is all wrapped-up in my desire to be perceived as masculine. Sometimes the psychobabble makes sense.

Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Spring has come early — it tends to do that in the Algarve. Since spring is my favorite season, I am taking advantage of the warm weather and I’m tending to my terrace garden and spending time at outdoor cafés and restaurants with Paco. Rain is glorious and I’m thrilled that we’ve had quite a bit this week. The primaries in the States are pissing me off, but people who care about me are teaching me to let it go. What troubles me the most is the knowledge that many of these radical right individuals have an agenda they dare not reveal. The repression of marginalized groups and the fear of losing power/control has been a reality since the day mankind started fighting for ownership of (fill in the blank). I’m not sure we will ever collectively agree to share resources and be honest with one another. It makes me very sad.

Before I sign-off I’d like to thank many of you for your delicious feedback about my blogging . . . I am inspired to keep it up.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

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City Versus Country

Who are we to judge?

Not an easy choice, but does one have to choose?

Why do I choose the topics I choose? I wish I could tell you that it’s a well thought out, sensible, systematic, intelligent process. In the end, it’s whatever pops into my head when I open my laptop. There may have been some forethought, but trust me, that was by accident. The city versus country dilemma has been one that has plagued me throughout my life. I have moved more times than Elizabeth Taylor was married; Elizabeth and I may have shared the same affliction: not truly knowing what we want. Do I want to live in the center of a vibrant, loud, culture-rich city or would I prefer a quiet hamlet where people and theater are scarce?

Not all of us can have both. Not all of us want both. But what if you can only have one, which one would you choose?

The Beginning

I was born in a big city. After 18 years of hustle, bustle, and grit, I moved to a small town in North Carolina. Don’t ever shock your system this way. I was so depressed I started dating women to feel better. Seriously, I couldn’t see the forest through the rednecks. After a couple years working at a cotton mill, I packed up my ’77 Nova and hightailed it back to the city. After arriving in Brooklyn, I stopped to buy a drink and my car was completely cleaned out; I think the thief left a broken 45. Thus the beginning of my country versus city struggle.

Everybody Has An Opinion

We live in an age where so many people think they know better. I caution you to listen to your own heart and mind. People can give out advice and share their own experiences, but no one knows you like you know you. I love when people pose a question about “the best place to live in Portugal.” So many will weigh-in telling people they “should” live here or there for whatever reason. I see these places quickly become ghettos of like-minded people. Explore, think outside the box, expand your comfort zone; you may end up very pleasantly surprised.

Alternate Choices, Change it up, Be a Nomad

I remember contemplating where I would live in Portugal. I was with a friend going on and on: what if I don’t like it, what if I buy an apartment in a city I end up hating, what if, what if? Here’s how Gina replied, “Then you’ll move.” Why did such a simple solution not occur to me?

Got me thinking . . . perhaps I can live in the center of a city for a while and then move to the country for a change. That’s what I thought when I purchased my condo. Once I arrived in the Algarve I realized how easy it is to get around and how close I would be to wide open, quiet, outside-of-the-city places. And hotels and airbnbs are less than half the usual cost off-season. The beauty of the Algarve is that the weather is magnificent most of the year. I can have both city and country without ever moving.

Vacation homes can be a royal pain in the ass. My place in Pennsylvania was delightful, but it was a lot of work and came with complicated issues. After that experience I decided that owning one home is enough, unless you can pay a person or company to manage it and even then it can be problematic.

Compromise

For me, compromise is exactly where I landed. For six years, I have lived in a small city that has everything I need. Please do not think me boastful as I tell you about my current situation. It is merely to point out that if you are determined to find what is right for you, it’s out there. I currently have all I need.

From my terrace I see the Ria Formosa and the Atlantic Ocean and from my marquise (enclosed terrace) in the back of my apartment, I see mountains of Estoi (mountains I can drive to in 25 minutes). I have a terrace garden with succulents and herbs, I am surrounded by four schools and young people, I can walk to cafés — there is even one in my building, restaurants, grocery stores, and other shops, and I have great neighbors. There is a jazz club 10 minutes away by foot and a movie theater about 30 minutes walking. So why would I ever consider leaving you might ask? Damn, that’s a good question! My constant yearning for something else makes me crazy. Note: I do not take what I have for granted.

I have learned that isolation would be very bad for me. Isolation is probably what I would experience in the country. The bottom line . . . learn who you are.

“The same things go on everywhere, whether you’re from the city, the country or wherever.“
Bubba Sparxxx (not a typo)

Fill-in your email address and hit subscribe to receive my most recent blog.

Future Travel

A couple of short local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

I’m in a weird space these days. I’m in between travel, home projects, and an assessment of my current health. It’s part of my nature to be concerned about everything and I’m trying to just enjoy the moment. Planning is good, but overplanning can put you in a box, making spontaneity difficult. I’m asking my good friends to remind me to relax. Now you cannot accuse me of not asking for help when I need it.

Thank you again to all of you who gave me feedback on the continuation of my blog. It gives me great pleasure to write and share my thoughts.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

Posted on by CP · 10 Comments

This Is More For Me Than It Is For You

And that’s okay

Durban, South Africa, a few weeks ago

I had an epiphany during the first COVID-19 lockdown in 2020. I realized the best way to live my life was to determine what I truly enjoy and celebrate those things as much as possible. This revelation is one of the many positive outcomes of blogging and quiet contemplation. Writing has forced me to express my thoughts and feelings with conviction. Lying to myself (or you) about anything would only take me down a woeful path. Onward and upward we go.

Because I love making lists and because I think some of what I am going to share will resonate with some of you, I have decided to boldly put it out there (random order):

  • The best time I have spent in my life has been creating a comfortable place to sleep. A firm mattress, soft cream colored cotton sheets, a couple of goose down pillows and a light goose down comforter, matte blue/gray walls, photos and paintings that evoke the best parts of my past, and a toilet only a few steps from my bed. All money well spent.
  • Fresh ground beans used to make that first cup of coffee. Sometimes in an espresso machine, sometimes in a French press, sometimes poured over, but mostly in a drip pot. I want it soon after I wake and I want it with a little whole milk. That watered down, low-fat crap, is not for me.
  • My Paco by my side, especially after he’s had a bath, and especially when he’s sleeping.
  • A good novel, read in a quiet place, makes me very happy.
  • Eating good food is probably my greatest pleasure.
  • A provocative and engaging conversation with someone smart and present is time well spent.
  • Sitting in a beach chair in front of the ocean on a warm, blue sky day, provides enough fuel to last days or weeks. Warm sand between my toes adds to the beach experience; as does a beautiful sunset.
  • The laughter of my toddler nieces and nephews is the elixir of life.
  • A glass or two of a good red wine at dusk is about as good as it gets. Paired with an aged gouda, takes it to another level.
  • Finding a bargain when I least expect it is extremely satisfying.
  • A good game of Texas Holdem’ is hard to beat.
  • The realization that I am enough cannot be overstated.
  • A good friend reigns supreme.
  • I am an unabashed and proud TikToker. Hours of watching humans be human has been a recent guilty pleasure.
  • Sundays where I reside are peaceful and quiet. I have made a practice of staying at home and opening my terrace doors to allow the outside in. The absence of cars and kids makes hearing the wind and the birds easier.
  • A one euro café com lait after a workout is hard to beat.
  • A freshly cleaned apartment puts a huge smile on this worn out face.
  • A productive hour at the gym.
  • A pair of fresh pajamas, a good film, a curled-up Paco, a comfy sofa, on an evening at Twilight is pretty fucking awesome.
  • Solitude
  • A good night’s sleep followed by a pre-dawn, unleashed Paco, walk in the park, is a great way to start the day. When the moon is full, it’s an added bonus.
  • A competitive game of croquet, mah jongg, or poker with my fellow expats, are once-in-a-while, gratifying social activities.
  • Discovery of a part of the world I had yet to explore or the comfort of the familiar I love returning to, are gifts that keep on giving.
  • Good health is not to be discounted or ignored. All of the above are nothing without it.

You won’t see a luxury yacht, the Maldive beaches, or a $200,000 Lamborghini on my list. It took a lifetime for me to realize that the simplest things provide the most pleasure. An occasional indulgence becomes a treat I can savor and a hassle-free day is all I can hope for.

I’ll keep adding to this gratifying list. It’s hokey, it’s corny, it’s self-indulgent . . . it’s me. If you notice, there is no mention of men.

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Future Travel

A couple of short, local trips to Spain and parts of the Algarve coming up soon; an Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe in May; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends); a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States sometime in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I can now fly direct from Faro to Newark, thanks to a new United route. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025 — it sails from Tel Aviv, so it’s a bit uncertain. It includes parts of Turkey and Egypt I have not yet explored.

State-of-Mind

Being satisfied with the status quo is not a bad place to be.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors; proofreading is the part I detest.

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

What Comes Out of This Mouth

Updates 2021 blog — motivated by today’s political climate

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Keeping my mouth shut these days is harder than shoving a passel of hogs into a tiny hog pen . . . at feeding time. I’ve been around for quite some time and I’ve never experienced anything like what we’re seeing today; division, unrest, widespread racism, anger, pandemics, extreme climate change, and the list goes on. Every generation speaks of times in their lives when major changes caused emotional disruption; however, I would argue that what is happening now, has to be up there in the top five of global unrest.

Regardless of the rank and strength of the impact, these are challenging times. If you have a heart and an opinion, you are feeling it with an intensity that can cause quite the verbal eruption. Some would say that speaking your truth is healthy and necessary and others regard it as dangerous. People in both camps exist in my world. I have been notoriously vocal my entire life, except when I’m quiet. So why the contradiction?

What it Feels Like

When I have something to say, it sometimes feels like fire in my belly and a vice squeezing my skull. It’s unpleasant and there are very few ways to release the pressure.

Having opinions is a good thing. Speaking your mind is a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. It allows others to get to know you better. It’s also a way to remain free, free of thoughts weighing you down. Keeping it all bottled up can destroy your already compromised organs. On the other hand, when you unload something that has been weighing you down, it can end up making the receiver feel burdened by the information.

The conversation I have with myself about whether or not to speak-up is getting easier as I mature. There was a time when remaining quiet was not even an option; today, I employ this method of self-preservation (silence), more often than not.

The price that I pay when I’m silent is distance from whomever I decide to stay silent with. Unless it’s a stranger and then there is little or no consequence. I have a neighbor who is inconsiderate and clueless. In the past I would have found a way to share my discontent. Instead, these days I say nothing except hello when I see her. I know that nothing I say will change who she is. Telling her what I think would only make matters worse and cause further problems. But. . . if I ever sell my apartment, this woman is going to hear from me.

The Process of Deciding When to Share

I wrote a blog on Racism a few years ago. I know it angered some of the people in my life who strongly disagreed. In the blog I called myself a passive racist; I believe it to be true. I’m ashamed of the number of times I have stood by and listened to people disparage black or brown people and said nothing. At the time I disagreed with what they were saying, but I didn’t want to rock the boat or cause a scene. I was dead wrong. I cannot turn back the clock, however, I can behave differently and call people out when I see and hear racial bias.

Sharing my political point of view has been difficult because of the current climate. These days it’s difficult to have a civilized conversation about politics. I’ve been told I have no right to share my opinion because I no longer live in the States or that the only reason I’m a left leaning liberal is because I’m gay — both ridiculous opinions.

What to Share

Carefully consider what to share with others and when to share it. The last thing I want is for people to say, “There he goes again, mouthing off about something.” That can happen easily if you’re not careful.

Lately, I wait until I’m truly passionate about something before I put it out there. This seems to be more effective. The response I get on social media can be very telling and I’ve been paying attention. People are tired of politics. Those that feel very strongly, on either side, are not giving up, nor should they. I’m certainly not giving up. What I am doing is being more deliberate about when and how I state my opinion.

There are many people out there who do not want to hear it. They are in denial about the existence of problems in and with society. To those people I say, ignore me. If you don’t want to hear it, telling me or anyone else to shut up is not going to be effective. If you want to bury your head in the sand, then refrain from coming to the surface.

Some of us feel, me included, that in order for positive change to happen, we must have the conversation.

Reactions and Responses

When you share in a public forum, you must be prepared for backlash. For me, having people agree with me is not necessarily what I want. I enjoy a good debate or argument. Tell me why you feel or think the way you do and back it up with facts, I promise to do the same. I have admitted to being wrong on more than one occasion and I have also been known to change my point of view. In addition to learning something in the process, a good argument can be a lot of fun; stimulating and enlightening. So why are so many adverse to partaking in a good debate? These days it seems that some would prefer to walk away from a relationship, rather than engage in a discussion. I think that’s sad.

Losing Friends & Family

Losing people in your life may be the most difficult outcome of being honest about your thoughts and feelings. Before you speak or write or video what’s on your mind, you should consider the toll it may take. Are you willing to alienate people in your life that have meant something to you for a long time?

I recently had this situation tested in my personal life. My politics have pissed people off for a long time; however, because of where the world is politically, people are more wedded to their point of view than ever before. It’s unwise and wrong for me to fault anyone for their beliefs, whether I think those beliefs are based on truth or not. My choice is to find middle ground and in the process, save the relationship.

Going Forward

I have learned that staying silent is sometimes impossible. Repressed thoughts or feelings eventually surface; when they do, the longer I allow them to fester, the more toxic and harder they are to rein in.

The bottom line is comfort. For me, if I’m not strong in my convictions and resolute about where I stand, I cannot speak out. There are moments when I feel that my time is better spent working on my own self-worth; exercising my ego and feeding my brain. I have to be certain I know what I am talking about before I spout off. I have to fact check myself and do my homework. Then and only then, can I speak my mind.This is the way for me to defend myself, debate and walk away with pride. Self-empowerment is mighty strong and an effective tool for healthy living.

I believe the more time you spend on reflection and self-improvement, the more people will want to be in your company.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea starting today, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv (I’m not holding my breath).

Current State of Mind

I’m extremely excited about the trip I’m taking today. It will be a journey, but I’m certain, one I will never regret or forget.

As for the political climate? At this point, all I can do is hope that my fellow humans will use their heads and follow their hearts.

Please forgive any grammatical or typographical errors. Thank you.

Posted on by CP · 2 Comments

Inside the Mind of An Introvert

I recall sitting alone on my Airbnb terrace in Marseille this past June (my view above). I had a coffee in my hand and I was thinking of you. I can love my friends and family and still enjoy being alone.

I have always been concerned that my desire to be by myself would be misinterpreted. I feel less this way these days; however, I still occasionally have to explain myself to others. I hope this helps:

The Signs Are All There

How do I know that I’m introverted? A few tell-tale signs:

  1. I took the Myers-Briggs test numerous times and I always come up introverted. (see below for explanation).
  2. I prefer being myself to being with people. NOT ALWAYS.
  3. When I’m attending a social gathering, I have to go out of my way to be social.
  4. I have many, many brothers and sisters. Doesn’t that explain why I’m introverted?
  5. If I’m in a crowded place for any length of time, I become anxious and often feel the need to leave.
  6. I usually prefer to travel alone.
  7. Being alone recharges my batteries.
  8. I can eat alone, shop alone, see a film alone, go to theatre or a concert alone, sleep alone and be alone with my thoughts.

The trait of extraversion–introversion is a central dimension of human personality theories. The terms introversion and extraversion were popularized by Carl Jung,[1] although both the popular understanding and psychological usage differ from his original intent. Extraversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior.

Extraversion and introversion are typically viewed as a single continuum, so to be high in one necessitates being low in the other. Carl Jung and the developers of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator provide a different perspective and suggest that everyone has both an extraverted side and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. Rather than focusing on interpersonal behavior, however, Jung defined introversion as an “attitude-type characterized by orientation in life through subjective psychic contents” (focus on one’s inner psychic activity) and extraversion as “an attitude type characterized by concentration of interest on the external object” (focus on the outside world).[3

There are times when I tell friends that I am an introvert and they challenge me. I’m often told that I am far too social to possibly be an introvert. Those who know me well, know that there are days when I just need to be by myself. One of the many reasons I moved overseas was to spend more time alone. The older I get the more introverted I become. There is absolutely no danger in becoming a hermit, I love my friends and family too much for that to happen.

I know people who can never be alone. My mother was such a person. She would call anyone or go anywhere so that she could have company. I guess that would be a case of extreme extroversion or perhaps it was fear; fear of having to be with oneself.  When I was a kid, my mother would climb the attic stairs; my bedroom was in the attic, just to chide me about being in my room alone. She would practically force me to go outside to play. If you have children that tell you that they’d rather read or write or play games, for goodness sake, let them be.

Sometimes it feels like a stigma or illness. It should feel normal and comfortable and it should be accepted by all. Perhaps someday the extroverts who feel threatened by introverts, will understand.

Accepting that I am an introvert has helped me to come to terms with many aspects of my personality. I do at times force myself to be in social situations; not only because it can be extremely satisfying, but also because I think it’s an important part of being human.

A couple of good resources for understanding: https://maricarmenpizarro.com/introverts-vs-extroverts-can-you-effectively-manage-if-you-are-a-natural-introvert/

https://personalityjunkie.com/introverts-dilemma/

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea next week, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

I had my floors refinished this past week. It meant moving out of my apartment and staying in an Airbnb in the Old Town of Faro. It was interesting to be on the other side of my city. It confirmed two important things for me: first, I am living in the “right” part of town (less noise and fewer tourists) and second, Paco is most happy when he is home.

I have hated my cherry parquet flooring since the day I purchased my condo. I’m sure they were beautiful and current when they were laid 50 years ago, but for me they were outdated and too dark. I waited almost six years to refinish them because it would mean turning my life upside down for a week. The relief I feel today is immense; I will question why I waited so long for longer than I should. And this was a whole lot easier than buying and selling.

Being Alive
Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
To ruin your sleep

That’s true, but there’s more than that
Is that all you think there is to it?
You’ve got so many reasons for not being with someone, but Robert
You haven’t got one good reason for being alone
Come on, you’re on to something, Bobby
You’re on to something

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell

You’re not a kid anymore, Robert
I don’t think you’ll ever be a kid again, kiddo
Hey, buddy, don’t be afraid that it won’t be perfect
The only thing to be afraid of really is that it won’t be
Don’t stop now, keep going!

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share
A little, a lot

And what does all that mean?
Robert, how do you know so much about it when you’ve never been there?
It’s much better living it than looking at it, Robert
Add ’em up, Bobby, add ’em up

Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through
Who’ll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Blow out the candles, Robert, and make a wish
Want something, want something

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody sit in my chair and ruin my sleep
And make me aware of being alive
Being alive

Somebody need me too much
Somebody know me too well
Somebody pull me up short and put me through hell
And give me support for being alive
Make me alive
Make me alive

Make me confused
Mock me with praise
Let me be used
Vary my days
But alone is alone
Not alive

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you, to help us survive
Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Stephen Sondheim (my all time favorite composer and lyricist)

Posted on by CP

Define Fun

Looking Within for Answers

I included the fireworks photo just to remind myself how much I dislike them. If you’d seen my great dane freak out during 4th of July fireworks, in New York City, when I was 18 years old, you’d understand. Also, any loud bangs, pops, or explosions are hard on my ears.

Fun

noun

  1. enjoyment, amusement, or light-hearted pleasure. Oxford Languages dictionary

Let’s go with light hearted pleasure . . .

What Fun Once Meant

What I thought of as being “fun” has naturally changed throughout my life. When I was five years old, playing on a rocking horse was fun; at fifteen, it was a film with popcorn at my local movie theater; in my 20s it was a night on the dance floor . . . you get the picture. Drinking until I passed out was never fun for me, nor was taking drugs or vandalizing my neighborhood. I’ve always been somewhat conventional and on the quieter side. I don’t see the point in fighting your proclivities.

This topic is front and center due to recent comments made by friends and acquaintances:

  • Isn’t croquet an old persons’ game?
  • Isn’t Mah Jongg a women’s game?
  • Aren’t you missing out on a lot of fun by not going out at night?
  • Come out with us Friday night, you’ll have fun!
  • You may be using Paco as an excuse to stay home.
  • Are you traveling too much?

None of these comments were meant to hurt my feelings; however, depending on the delivery, they can be considered stupid.

How Fun Has Morphed Over time

Admittedly, discovering what is fun can be experimenting with an activity or trying out something new. I remember going hang gliding and wondering if the thrill of soaring through the atmosphere without an engine would become a hobby; it did not. There was a time when I thought camping by a fire was fun; not so much now. A comfy bed and climate control is more my style. It’s good to know what you like and what you don’t like.

Getting older factors into what I currently consider fun, but not for the reasons you might think. It’s not because I’m limited in what I can do, or that I fear death, or that I resent young people. It has a whole lot more to do with having lived a full life. I’ve tried many things and I have a fairly good idea about what makes me happy.

Always Fun

The following has and will always bring me great pleasure: live theater, good food & alcohol, a good night’s sleep, being in the sun on a warm (not hot) day, reading a good novel, that first cup of coffee in the morning, conversations with smart people, sitting by a fire on a cold night, a long walk on a beautiful day, time with my pet, travel, a good film, playing poker, swimming in the ocean, listening to music, hosting a dinner party, and laughter — no doubt all will remain on my pleasure list until I die.

Great to be reminded of how long my list is.

Future Fun

I’m becoming more of a homebody as I grow older. I like my creature comforts. I enjoy slow, quiet days and early to bed nights. I like a glass of wine and a good film on Netflix. I love a home cooked meal. When the weather is warm, I enjoy a light dinner on the terrace at sunset. I’m not sure I’d classify all of these activities as “fun” per se, but they certainly do give me pleasure.

Travel can be fun, but it can also be exhausting and anxiety producing. The key to the future enjoyment of travel will be hassle free, safe, well planned travel; travel with like-minded friends and family.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

I’m very excited about South Africa. Paco is eating well and looking good. My floors are being refinished in a bold, bright white next week. By the end of the day yesterday, I was so exhausted that I was worried about walking Paco. I am occasionally reminded that I am no longer a young man; makes me wonder what 80 may feel like.

“Pleasure is the only thing one should live for, nothing ages like happiness.”

― Oscar Wilde

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

What is the Truth I Seek?

I Need to Figure This One Out

I started this blog a few days before Christmas and decided to hold off on publishing it until after the New Year. Two reasons: first it was too big a question for that time of the year and I was about to rant. As I get older and find myself with time on my hands, more and more, I seek the truth. But what is “the truth?” The meaning of life (for me that would be truth) is so huge that I’m not sure my average brain can even begin to contemplate the answer. I even have “truth” tattooed on my forearm. Well it was either that or a bowl of pasta — I think I chose well.

I want to start with a statement that works for me: your truth is your truth, no one else has to share, accept or believe your truth. This statement or a version of it, is what I often repeat in my head. Those who try to force or impose their truth on others, will find that most individuals will justifiably resist. Right or wrong does not live in this particular space.

In an attempt to make it easier to explore the answer, I’m negating the constructs that do not apply to my truth. For example: religion, nationalism, war, false narratives, monetary wealth (acquiring more than you need), and forced values. The aforementioned do not apply to me because I do not subscribe to them. For example, war — war is not the answer to a dispute between countries. There are certainly other proven ways to resolve issues. It is my belief that leaders use war to further division and keep the focus off of systemic problems closer to home. We are being manipulated on a daily basis; not a conspiracy theory, great minds have shown us how this works. You can be pissed off about it or work around it.

When seeking my truth, I therefore, look beyond the distractions swirling around me. The media has become the worst culprit. When tuning into the news of the day, I maintain a filter which can help me see through sensationalism and bias. A volcano eruption in New Zealand is a fact. The scope of damages is fact. The impact on the area is fact. This particular news bite is safe for consumption. But the discussion of the Royal family and how people are digesting news of Prince William and Harry’s latest riff — that news is conjecture and sensationalism; how it is reported is filled with bias. It is designed to persuade you to feel a certain way and to manipulate your thoughts. I find it offensive and demoralizing and it’s only getting worse. Unfortunately, many take it at face value, failing to hear it through a discerning filter. Critical thinking is lost on the masses these days.

So What’s My Point

For me, getting to the truth is essential. There was a time I cared more about what others thought of the truth; today, not-so-much. The focus is now on me and what I think. I discovered the hard way, that people tend to believe whatever they choose to believe and little can be done to persuade them otherwise. I no longer have the energy to even try.

Quick story: my mother was convinced that Barack Obama was Muslim; she was certain that he hid his true religion from voters. A lot of this had to do with “Hussein,” being his middle name. Where this notion came from I cannot tell you, but she believed it was true. I worked hard to convince her otherwise and failed on several occasions. I was of the belief that if I could present the facts and get her to see she was wrong, she’d vote for Obama for president. After too many conversations to count, I gave up. The truth I did not want to accept was that she was a racist and her (and many others) belief that a black president would ruin the country. Surely, if elected, he’d give billions away to minorities and make life miserable for middle class whites. How did I know she felt this way? “Chris, look what happened when New York City elected a black mayor; the city almost went bankrupt.” The only fact in that statement was that NYC had a black mayor. I wasn’t fighting one lie, I was arguing with the 43 people in my mother’s life who were convinced a black president would send us down a rabbit hole of crime and corruption. I started hating my mother and everyone she associated with. It was unhealthy and unproductive. In the end, she told me that she decided not to vote because her vote didn’t matter. Did I even make a dent in changing her thinking? I doubt it.

The focus on my own truth is far easier to manage. Admittedly, there are times when I have doubts that I can actually get to the truth. The Epstein case for example. Will any of us know whether or not he committed suicide in that jail cell? Clearly, many high profile individuals preferred him silenced for good. This truth may never be revealed. I not only find this troubling, but it also casts doubt on so any other societal institutions we often rely on to help us to find the truth: law enforcement, courts, and politicians we might otherwise trust. Finding the truth is nearly impossible. I suspect it’s the main reason for the public’s suspicion of politicians and political parties. People chose a side based on a gut feeling rather than facts; facts are almost impossible to discern.

Why it Matters

My moral compass was shattered as a child. My mother (and this is fact), was untrustworthy. She did things I’ve stated in previous blogs that I was ashamed of. I’d go to sleep swearing that I would never live that way. I cannot say that I am an angel; however, I do try my very best to stay true to myself and do right by others. For me, it is at the very least a guideline that helps me navigate life and relationships. You can make mistakes, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on.

Ultimately, laying my head on my pillow at bedtime is a much more pleasant experience when I have sought the truth and accepted my findings. The answer is not always definitive and that has to be okay.

You are welcome to weigh-in.

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Future Travel

South Africa land & sea in February, Iceland/Norwegian fjords, land & sea in May, Oslo in July. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv.

Current State of Mind

There are times in my life when I feel more like an observer, than a participant — this is one of those times. I’ll try to describe exactly what I’m currently experiencing. Rather than actually standing in the bathroom shaving my face, it feels more like I’m standing outside of the bathroom, watching myself shave my face. It’s a kind of detachment and an absence of focus on details. I have to be careful not to have an accident, because it’s too easy to become distracted while in this frame of mind. It’s usually temporary, lasting days, not weeks. I have no explanation or cause. If I were to speculate, I’d say that it’s a defense mechanism. Perhaps I am deeply disturbed about something and this is a way to avoid feeling the emotions; I honestly don’t know. At this point in my life, I have accepted that some personal truth may never come to light. In the end, I will die and my truth with die with me.

“You discover nothing; you only learn of
what you have been ignorant of so far.”
― Lamine Pearlheart, To Life from the Shadows