Trust Issues? Me? Nah. How about you?

I suspect most, if not all, adults have trust issues. Human beings can be deceptive and deceitful; uplifting topic no? Unfortunately, gossip and minding other people’s business are also some of our glorious and not-so-attractive traits.

The “who cares what people say” attitude is admirable; however, not my truth. Therefore, the best I can do is find a way to navigate the current landscape. By the way, I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes to telling white lies; however, 9 out of 10 times, it’s either to save someone’s feelings or avoid unnecessary conflict.

Short Story

I recently received a text from an individual who said he was coming to the Algarve for a short visit. He was wondering if he could stay with me for a few days. A couple of details factored into my reply: first, this was a friend of a friend I had spent five minutes with in New York, and second, I didn’t like him — you know one of those slick willies who tries to get you to invest in shit you have no business getting involved with. I told him I’d be away for a few weeks during the time of his visit. I gathered that he got the message because I didn’t hear back. This was a lie I didn’t mind telling.

It would be so much better to just outright say what we think, but it’s not the way our culture works; we thrive in a sea of lies.

What We Say to One Another

Have you ever told someone you had to get off the phone because you had an important call you had to take or make? Have you ever told a party host you had to leave because you had an early flight (your flight was at 3:00 p.m. the next day, for some people that’s early)? What about I can’t travel with you to Greece because I spent all of my discretionary income last month? I imagine these are lies we have all told at one point or another in our lives. These lies keep us from hurting feelings. Most of us know when it’s happening and just accept it as common practice. Then there is the knife in the back distortion of the truth or partial truth.

What I am talking about is deception among friends; the telling of untruths specifically meant to damage an individual’s reputation or standing. I’m going to use an example that cannot be traced back to one of my friends:

I’m sitting at lunch with Mary and she tells me that she heard that Mark is having an affair with Lilly; all mutual friends. My first response should be, “I don’t want to hear about it.” But because I’m human, my interest peaked. You know about this kind of gossip, it’s the worst. Is it based on speculation? Is someone jealous? Has someone been scorned and seeks revenge? There are so many different reasons people start these kinds of rumors. In truth, it’s unfair to everyone involved. If it’s a fact and someone is being deceived, that’s different. There are discreet and appropriate ways to handle these indiscretions, gossip or whispering behind one’s back, is not one of them.

For me there are two red flags when someone is about to share something inappropriate with me: 1) I’m telling you this because I care about you, and 2) it’s for your own good. You see a person once a week and she never asks you a single question about how you’re doing or where you’ve been, but then she cares so much about you, really?

This is a big one: We all know people who spend a great deal of time talking about mutual friends and acquaintances who are not present. Did you hear about so and so; I can’t believe he did that to her; she couldn’t possibly have that much money just sitting around; I’m sure they did it to look better than everyone else . . . call it gossip, talking behind someone’s back, spite talk . . . whatever it is, it makes you wonder what that person says about you when you’re not around.

I recently confronted an acquaintance about what she was saying when a friend was not in the room. Her reply was clever, but dubious: “Sally and I had it out on Thursday and told her I’d be asking around to verify her story; there is no other way to find out if what she was telling me was true.” If that isn’t a load of bullshit. At the very least, this person knows that I’m onto her. These days, I don’t spend a whole lot of time worrying about what individuals say when I’m not around; it’s out of my control and I trust people to consider the source. Your time and energy is better spent on positive and productive matters.

When I was married, 24 years old and working at a university on Long Island, there were three different rumors going around about older women I was sleeping with. I thought that was pretty funny considering I was spending so much energy hiding my sexual orientation.

What We Say to Others

What do you say to those you care about? Often, it’s what you don’t say:

• You look really tired
• Why isn’t Gary working yet?
• You’ve been sick for a long time
• Did Emma invite you to her birthday dinner?
• Why did you buy that house?

Obviously questions you might ask that would make people defensive, seldom leading to open lines of communication.

Here are some things you might say to gain trust and respect:

• Yesterday you told me you were feeling a bit down, how are you today? Do you want to talk about it?
• If you don’t mind I’d rather you didn’t speak about Mark, he’s a good friend and I don’t want to betray our trust or tarnish our friendship.
• Tell me about that restaurant ordeal; was it difficult to be at the table?
• I’ve been noticing that you’re quiet lately; I just want to make sure you’re okay.
• I just want you to know I’m here.

A friend recently said, “There is something I’d like to share with you, but you should know I’m not looking for answers or advice.” I heard her loud and clear and I respected her honesty.

Navigating the Absence of Trust

In my mind there are limited options for interacting with individuals you do not trust. You can work on building trust. This takes time and investment, but it could be worth the payoff. I think it’s important to go with your gut; if after a while you’re not feeling it, you should probably walk away or distance yourself — not so easy if it’s your sister-in-law or boss.

Then there are those who have earned your trust only to have it all collapse after a devastating incident. A good friend who sleeps with your husband, a sister who steals cash from your wallet, a friend who tells everyone something you shared in strictest confidence . . . difficult to regain trust after betrayal.

The last one I’ll mention is the one I struggle with most: You have someone in your life who says and does all the right things, but it’s all surface stuff. You crave substance, but it’s just not there. You constantly wonder if this person is hiding something or questions your discretion. You ask questions; however, the answers just don’t come. It’s a conundrum because you’re fully invested. This may be one of those times where you may need to examine your own life. Are you trustworthy; are you asking the right questions? Objectivity is difficult when self-examination is warranted. In cases like this, I engage with someone I trust; they will usually provide some solid advice or help me with the right questions. But once again, in the end walking away may be your best option.

A thought: I have recently discovered that a great deal of the anxiety I have related to this trust issue, is self-generated. In short, drama that I have either initiated or created. It’s so much healthier to step back and let things be. Stirring the pot or looking for problems that do not exist is unhealthy and unnecessary. Time to trust yourself and let life play out as it inevitably will. Forgive yourself Christopher.

For those of you who may be feeling guilty (ha) because you occasionally partake in small-time gossip: relax, we’re all (okay most of us) a little guilty of it. When people spread lies or damaging, unsubstantiated gossip, now that’s a different story (see aforementioned example).

“Trust takes many years to build, few seconds to break, and forever to repair.” ~ Invajy

Holding Onto Those You Can Trust

You know the expression, “I have your back?” When you discover that you have a family member or friend that always has your back, nurture that relationship; these kinds of friends are hard to come by.

A thought: Today’s political landscape makes candid conversation and trust very difficult. There are times when I can put politics aside; however, if it’s about personal freedom/rights, race, guns, sexuality, etc., all bets are off.

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Future Travel

Basel, Switzerland coming up soon, Asia land & sea, end of October/November, Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025; it’s about time I visit the birthplace of my father.

Current State-of Mind

Super excited about Switzerland after two months of staying away from travel. Keeping it special and occasional, is the way to enjoy time away (for me). Other than that, body issues related to aging; sucks to get old, but as they say, “It’s better than the alternative.”

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~ Frank Crane

Please forgive any grammatical or typographical errors. No AI software used in the creation of this blog.