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Crazy Shit I Sincerely Believe

No Judging okay?

Let the Work Begin in Earnest

Two things I intend to work on this year — I will from time-to-time report on my progress: First, walk away from toxic relationships and second, practice gratitude daily. The latter makes a tremendous difference in the quality and substance of my day, but I fail to practice this exercise often enough. I need to make it a permanent part of my day; like exercising. Why would put up with toxic individuals is beyond, but I am certainly guilty of it. Time to make a strong commitment to change.

I am grateful to all of the people in my life who lift me up, make me smile, and accept me as I am. I’m also grateful that I have the wherewithal to assess my mistakes and either make amends or move on.

Beliefs

I have strong convictions; always have. These are not opinions. They are the things I believe in my gut and I don’t think anyone or anything could persuade me otherwise.

Not In Order of Strongest Beliefs to least strongest beliefs (they are all strong beliefs):

  1. All human beings are born good. I have always truly believed this. When we are taught bad values or bad behavior is modeled early on, we can sometimes make them our own. I think evil babies only exist in film. That might not be true, I have a nephew who had a death stare when he was a toddler — there are always exceptions. Nature versus nurture; it’s a fascinating debate.
  2. Owning certain material things can mess you up. You purchase a fancy car (for example); people in your life and strangers fawn over your new car. This happens every time you take your car out of the garage. You unconsciously begin to believe that your car is an extension of you. After awhile, you begin to believe that you are as attractive as your car or that people are fawning over you. It’s not an attractive quality. Humility seems to be a lost characteristic for many. Two questions to ponder: 1) why are you buying the fancy car, and 2) how many of the “things” that you buy are enhancing your life and not for the purpose of proving your worth to others. Sometimes we purchase an expensive item and feel good for about five minutes. Is it worth going into debt for five minutes of gratification. When I was in my 20s and 30s I resisted spending money on many shiny new things. I did this whole number in my head about enjoying the moment, and what if I have a massive heart attack at 40 and die. I didn’t die and I was about to retire at 57 — a time in my life when I have a better sense of what I want, where I want to be, and how I want to live. Self-control is difficult, but it can be incredibly rewarding. And honestly, if I had died, I probably wouldn’t have had a thought about the $30,000 sound system I didn’t purchase. I realize I may be sounding a bit preachy; my apologies.
  3. Most politicians start out as people who care about their constituents. I didn’t say I wasn’t naive. I’ve met many grassroots politicians; they start out with great intentions and a few even serve their entire tenure with the well-being of others in mind. I partly blame the average passive Joe for mass corruption. Too many of us, myself included, do not take action. Should an elected official make a six figure salary, get 12 weeks vacation, get healthcare for life, and have the ability to quadruple their wealth because they know things we’ll never know? We allow it; therefore, we are to blame. We forget that we the people, due to our numbers and our constitution, hold the power.
  4. The desire to fall in love fades as you grow older. If you’ve been hurt a few times due to failed relationships, you tend to become cautious. Not all do of course, but this guy does. Then there is the effort factor. I am a firm believer that one has to work hard for something to be good or to improve, but . . . too much effort, where there is an imbalance, is not good either. I’m at a point in my life where I really enjoy being single. I may have talked myself into this mentality, but I don’t believe that’s the case. Relationships are totally worth the energy you put into them; however, they’re also complicated and sometimes messy. I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I do not owe anyone an explanation for choosing to be single.
  5. Most things can be tolerated in moderation. Tell me that I cannot do something and I will want to do it even more. Simple example of this is food. If a doctor told me that I couldn’t have chocolate because it has a property that might slowly kill me, I would desire chocolate all day, everyday. I know that wine has some positive beneficial qualities for good health. If you enjoy drinking it, then it’s good for your state of mind and well-being. I also know that wine has a lot of sugar and that’s not good for your health. I recently started pouring a half a glass and I’ve noticed that I am drinking less. Now, I slowly savor the taste and pleasure of drinking wine; gulping it is unnecessary and unhealthy. I feel like I can have my cake and eat it too — literally. I know I bargain with myself, but because I do not have an alcohol addiction, I feel that I keep it in my life in a healthy way. If I felt to compelled to drink as soon as I got up in the morning or drank until I passed out, that would make for a different scenario. I think it’s important to continually assess his particular relationship. I believe it applies to medication, food, gambling and anything else that is considered addictive. Self-control may factor in depending on your particular situation. I have very little self-control when something is put right in front of me. For example, I usually do not eat chocolate at night because it has caffeine and I am super sensitive to caffeine. If I’m at a dinner party and a homemade chocolate cake is put on the table, I cannot resist. I will usually limit my intake to a few bites. As I said earlier, don’t judge.
  6. Jealous people are dangerous. I’m going to leave it at that.
  7. Ignoring a thing will not make it go away. I’ve been trying to prove myself wrong on this for years. Whatever it is that I’m attempting to deny, will pop-up at the most inopportune time in the least desirable place (i.e., conversations, during sex, during sleep, while watching a good film). Much better to confront it head on and deal with it. Sometimes, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets or the more complicated it becomes.
  8. You can satisfy a desire by allowing yourself a small amount of whatever it is you are seeking (does apply to everything). Eat slowly and allow yourself to fully enjoy food without guilt — it works! Here’s another one: you’d like to go to the Caribbean for a week, but money is tight. Book a four night trip instead of the full week; it will probably satisfy your vacation desires. I’m certain I am over simplifying this one.
  9. When people try to attach themselves to you too quickly, they probably have an unhealthy agenda or motive. Completely based on life experience. Cautious in nature as I am, if I find someone is clinging to me or contacting me way too often, I usually back-off a bit or sever ties completely. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts.
  10. When someone tries to push an investment opportunity too hard, it’s probably best to walk away from it. It’s not easy to persuade me to do anything and investing money is at the top of the list. After I say, no, I track the business or stock and in almost every case my instinct was correct. I did make one investment reluctantly and the business was sold a few years later. I did not suffer a loss, but the gains were minimal and in the end, not worth the worry. I did, however, get to be a part of a venture I believed in — I guess that counts for something.
Someone else

Travel

Alvor, Portugal again this week. I like everything about this small coastal town off-season. I’m not too happy about having to show a negative test; however, it will be free and I guess necessary.

Cuba, Toronto and Baltimore in February. I guess we’ll having see what happens with the Omicron variant.

Many trips are planned in 2022; one or two a month in fact, but I’m not counting on anything these days. Not being cynical, more practical perhaps.

Happy New Year 2022

Posted on by CP

The End. Period.

Photo by Markus Spiske

Is there someone else? When did it start? I should have known you’d cheat, you bastard; who is he? How did I not see it. I didn’t want to see it, I was blindsided . . . or so I thought. The truth is, there were weeks and weeks of deafening exchanges, changes in patterns, and forced smiles. Back then I thought I was the cat’s pajamas, the guy who could pick and choose. Why would anyone walk away from a guy who can cook?

In total, we broke-up nine torturous times. Each time I swore to the gods that I would never go back. How many times can you smash your head against the wall before you realize it may cause permanent damage?

When you force a conversation, please talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling, tell me what’s wrong, and this is what he tells you:

“I don’t know.”

You don’t know? I ask.

“I don’t know.”

Time to walk away, except for some reason you will never fully understand, you stay. You stay and allow yourself a daily dose of torture; sometimes two or three doses. That’s called low self-esteem and it’s time to build it back up, but not there, not with him. It took a good deal of heartache and losing a couple of friends, before I had finally had enough. I was fortunate that the tipping point arrived before I’d hit rock bottom. I know too many people who stay and regret it years later. Sound familiar?

Side note: When someone says, “I don’t know why I treat you so badly,” it’s because they are afraid of saying the one thing that might make you say, “Fuck you, get out and don’t come back.” As hard as we might try, we cannot change people.

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What’s Your Story

Many of us have ended relationships. For some, it’s as easy as snapping your fingers; for others, it feels more like passing a kidney stone. For me, I’d have to say it depends on who it is and the circumstances.

We never really know what another person is thinking or feeling. They can tell us or we can guess; however, the truth can be elusive or distorted. Here’s what I mean:

You’re dating an individual who may have very few faults or imperfections. If you’re like me, the tiniest issues reveal themselves very early on. You find yourself tormented by the idea of ending the relationship because you might not see it going anywhere. Sabotage is alive and well in my world. Communication is essential, without it, you have a wobbly foundation. With a solid foundation, you can address nearly any issue. Still, some problems are insurmountable and if your eyes are wide open, you’ll see it.

The Kinds of Endings You Might Contemplate:

Love Relationships — I am the last person to comment on ending love relationships. There are only two things that I know for certain: 1) Sex after a break-up will not make you feel better or help you get over him, and 2) Until you decide it’s over, it will not truly be over. If your gut tells you it’s not working, listen to your gut.

Friendships — Ending a friendship, long or short, is not easy. However, not unlike a love relationship, once a friendship becomes toxic or unpleasant, it’s time to consider cutting your losses. In the end, it’s about what you think of yourself. If you value your self-worth and quality of life, walking away from a friendship — as difficult as it might be — may be the best thing you can do. I think this rule applies to any friendship, long or short.

Many of us view the end of a friendship as failure; for some of us, failure is not an option. So we remain and allow it to slowly rot bits and pieces of our core. I had a 25 year friendship that ended about 10 years ago. I contacted this former friend on her birthday a few years back and she was very angry; she hadn’t let go of the bitterness that tore us apart. I realized that nothing and changed. In some ways that revelation can be a good thing, it helps gives you closure and affirmation. We reach out to one another on our birthdays now, that’s about all the contact either of us can tolerate. Not going to lie, every once in a while I find myself missing this person, but then I recall why it went south and I am relieved that I called it quits when I did. At the end of the day, your integrity is all that matters; and your sanity, that matters as well.

There are those who believe that when you end something it’s best not to revisit it. I’ve had situations when I can’t recall why it ended in the first place and some people do evolve, don’t they?

Business Partnerships — I have a friend that hated his business partner. It got so bad he’d drink himself to sleep at night. If have to ask yourself if it’s worth the pain and suffering, your answer is right there in front of you. Talk to anyone who ended a business relationship that was poisonous; nine out of ten times they’ll tell you they bounced back and came back stronger. When you take care of yourself, you not only fix the problem at hand, but you also end up mending a lot of other broken parts happening simultaneously. Your courage and strength carries over to all other aspects of your life.

Family — This is kind of break-up has hit close to home recently and it is still somewhat raw. If I write about it, I’ll get a bit of backlash and it’s not worth it. I will say that as difficult as it might be to walk away, there are situations that are so distressing, remaining in touch can do physical and emotional harm. In the end, your choice should be to protect yourself. Exhaust every avenue to fix what is broken before you say goodbye. The harder you know you have tried, the less you will regret your decision.

If you don’t end up sad and hurt by the loss, you are either uncaring or way too guarded. Having an open and loving heart has its pitfalls, but I’d rather be sad and hurt than live through life feeling nothing. Or even worse, being angry all the time.

Employment — This break-up variety is every bit as onerous as any other. You add money and fear of failure to this equation and you have quite a lot to consider. One of the things I did that I found helpful, was to make a list of the pros and cons. I also played the worst case scenario game, which I always find helpful. When you’re going through the hardship, you’re thinking I will never survive if this ended. In truth, we always survive. On the other side of abuse and unappreciative supervisors/owners is something better. Remember there is only one direction you can go when things get that bad. If you’re dreading going to the office or meeting with your boss, that’s a pretty clear sign that it’s time to move on. When my doctor prescribed Xanax so that I could sit in the same room with my ex-boss, I knew it was time to go. Don’t let it get to that point.

Image result for a quote for when it's time to quit a job

One of my favorite ending a relationship quotes:

“I thought I was strong, holding on to you, but I was stronger when I was letting you go.”

Cuba postponed to April 22. I will hopefully get to finally go. Back to the States to see friends and family in May (we’ll see). I’m accustomed to the uncertainty.

I’m still in lockdown here in Portugal. The police are out checking for face masks, ID, and for those who might be illegally leaving their municipality. I’m not sure how much more surreal this whole experience could be. It seems like there may be a light at the end of this tunnel — stay strong and healthy.

Question of the Week:

Do you have a successful break-up story to share or advice you might like to convey?

Posted on by CP · 4 Comments

Why Winning Might Not Be So Important

Just about everyone I know is living through relationship difficulties during this divisive time in our country’s history. In my house any conversation was fair game at the dinner table. We fought over politics, race, religion, and just about anything you can imagine. In the end, there was so much love between us, it never got in the way. Maybe that’s why despite our political differences, I am still very close to several of my family members.

Our homes are not always reflective of the rest of the world. When I was a young and I attended dinner parties, it was made clear that certain topics were taboo. My guess is that the host did not want to deal with yelling and screaming at the table, people possibly walking out, and even worse, some people never coming back. People are often hellbent on winning arguments. We’ve all been to at least one of these epic dinners.

For many of us, it’s all about winning. It’s one of those things some of us were taught growing up: “Winning is everything.”

“Winning is the most important thing in my life, after breathing. Breathing first, winning next.”

George Steinbrenner


“The person that said winning isn’t everything, never won anything.”

Mia Hamm

It’s Okay Not to Win (here comes the list):

  • When you’re having an argument with your boss
  • when you’re playing sports with your child
  • when you’re playing for a charitable organization and it’s more to do with making a donation
  • when make-up sex is on the horizon
  • when you have a disagreement with someone who care about
  • when you may never see the person you disagree with again
  • when getting to a win will cause health issues
  • when winning means losing your integrity
  • when you would have to lie in order to win
  • when winning means losing a friend
  • when winning means cheating
  • when losing means keeping your humility

I have this little voice in my head that tells me: winning comes at a cost and that thought stops me from doing many things — good, bad, I’m not sure.

When Winning is Fun

Winning is fun when you’re enjoying yourself; when it’s not life and death or having to go to prison for the win. I love winning a game of cards. I love when my party wins an election. I love winning at the blackjack table. I love winning a bet. I love winning a scratch-off lottery ticket. I love winning board games. I love winning a big Supreme Court Case (eg., gay marriage). I love when winning is followed by a celebration. It’s true, I love winning.

A Personal Story (I apologize if you’ve heard it)

When I worked for Dorothy Hamilton, owner of the French Culinary Institute, we used to enjoy playing Scrabble; obviously not at work.

Dorothy invited me to her Connecticut estate for the weekend. We sat by a warm fire for several hours playing Scrabble. I was a better player, but I held back because I knew how much Dorothy liked to win. Although I am very competitive, there are times when winning must be less important. About halfway through the game she misspelled a word. I looked at it and thought it best not to challenge her.

It was getting late and we had plans to go out to dinner. Dorothy excused herself to change for dinner. She told me that a friend of hers would be joining us and to answer the door when she arrived. A few minutes later the doorbell rang and when I went to the door, it was the actress Christine Baranski. She was gorgeous and gracious; it took every ounce of restraint not to gush. I welcomed Christine into Dorothy’s home. She asked me where Dorothy was and walked over to the fireplace where our Scrabble board was set-up.

Christine Baranski - Wikipedia

“Playing Scrabble?” She uttered.

“We are,” I replied.

“Well, one of you spelled a word wrong.” Christine pointed at the board and sucked her teeth.

I told her that I knew that it was misspelled; however, I requested that she keep it between us. She asked me why and I told her that I didn’t notice it until it was too late and besides, “I work for Dorothy.”

Dorothy called Christine’s name from upstairs and runs down to greet her. It didn’t take long for her to confront Dorothy.

“Dorothy, you spelled a word wrong and Chris is afraid of you.”

I kept my mouth shut and Dorothy looked at me and said,”Why didn’t you challenge me?”

I lied and told her that I didn’t realize it was misspelled while we were playing. I’m fairly certain she didn’t believe me and she teased me about it for a long time. About a year later we were at a Manhattan restaurant and she brought it up.

“Are you afraid of me?”

“Yes,” I said, “you can be intimidating and besides, you’re my boss.”

I promise you she said the following:

“It’s okay with me if I intimidate you.”

I believe that sums her up. I stand by my decision to sometimes allow Dorothy to win.

By the way, Christine Baranski was charming, funny and great company. I believe she kept Dorothy honest and that was a good thing for the rest of us. (A tragic car accident took Dorothy a few years ago.)

An aside: Joan Rivers joined us at our table at the restaurant that night. I loved Joan Rivers, so that was a huge thrill. I just have to say, in person Joan’s plastic surgery made her pretty scary to look at — her face like a porcelain doll; the rest of her old and wrinkled.

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Travel

I am booked on a trip to Cuba beginning February 18; five days in Varadero and four days in Havana. I’m not sure the trip will actually be a go, but it’s insured, so I’m not too concerned. It will require that I take the COVID-19 test a minimum of three times, but I think it’s a small price to pay. I’ve been trying to get to Cuba for quite awhile. Now that I have a Portuguese visa, I am able to go. “If not now, then when?”

Planned Trips: Toulouse in April, the United States in May, Lyon in June, Bristol in July (rescheduled from March), a Mediterranean cruise in October, and five Asian countries in January 2022 (rescheduled from January 2021). Sometimes I choose to fly to places that I can get to on one plane from Faro. I’ve been to Toulouse and fell in love with this city — the UK is easy to get to from here and never disappoints. Asia is elusive. For some reason it is taking me ages to get to this part of the world. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that maybe I’m just not ready. I do love a carrot and I know it will happen soon enough.

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Requires Your Participation

From now on I will end each blog with a question. Your responses will help initiate future blog topics.

This week’s question:

What is one thing that weighs heavily on your mind these days?

Feel free to mention more than one thing if you like. Send it privately if you’d prefer.

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COVID-19

I woke with a bad headache today. Of course I believe I may have the virus. Don’t dare read a list of symptoms. Very early on, perhaps last February, a friend of mine said, “Before this is over, half the world will get it.” I thought to myself, how ridiculous! Now I believe she may have been right.