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Why Make It About You?

The Power of the Mind and How to Mitigate Your Thoughts

My ego punching my gut

Have you ever wondered whether or not those voices in your head are worth listening to? If my voices had it their way, I’d be reduced to solitary confinement without supper. I keep telling myself it’s not about you because that’s what all of the wise asses tell me. “It’s not you, it’s them.” But is it them?

We get to inhabit this amazing planet ever so briefly. Yet still, we spend way too much time ganging up on ourselves. A part of you knows this. You know time is precious and that you are enough. Still, self-doubt and blame seem to be an easy go-to. I’m fucking tired of it. Two steps forward, three steps back . . . it’s exhausting.

“Fear and self-doubt are the greatest killers of personal genius.”

— Ziad K. Abdelnou

How many times have you been with a small little person (not child, a creep) and walked away thinking something was wrong with you? There is only one explanation for this kind of self-flagellation: a very damaged sense-of-self. I’ve learned through talking with friends and strangers, that many of us suffer from this serious affliction. Professionals believe that it is prudent to explore the origin of self-doubt, for you. For me it goes back to a mother who did not believe one should congratulate oneself. If I even came close to anything that resembled self-praise, I was shut down, scolded, and put in my place.

A few weeks ago I was sitting with acquaintances; I shared that I had a Ph.D. and that my dissertation was about homophobia. I don’t remember why I mentioned it except that we were talking about being gay. I beat myself up for two days after mentioning my degree. Sound ridiculous? Yes it was. Welcome to my world.

I often wonder if knowing how my open wounds were created, helps in the healing process. The answer for me is that I’m certain it does help; however, clearly it’s not a cure. There is a great deal of work that has to be done beyond discovery. Confronting demons is one of the more difficult things we have to do in order to move on. Why did you do this to me? Do you have regrets? Would you do it differently if you could do it all over again? What does a do over look like? Tell me what I mean to you and how far you’re willing to go to protect what we have?

How Your Friends Can Help

I have a couple of friends that I know can be brutally honest and that’s a good thing. I will occasionally ask this kind of question: That conversation we just had, do you think I was being sincere? Did any of it sound like bullshit? If you’re open to their honest perception of what went down, you can make some serious positive changes in your life.

You have to pick and choose who you do this with and how often you do it; it’s asking a lot. I have one friend who usually nails it — I don’t always like what she has to say, but I know it’s insightful and useful. When you know someone loves you a great deal, you can trust that their words are coming from a good place.

When people only tell you what they think you want to hear, it does you no good. It tends to validate mistakes or bad behavior. I’m refraining from providing examples; then I’d have to relive some difficult situations.

Journaling

I’ve been journaling for over forty years and I find it therapeutic and useful for two reasons: first, it tends to help remove it from your mind. When thoughts swirl around in your head, they tend to need a release valve of some sort. Journaling helps you clarify and purge. Secondly, and not as straightforward, if you’re willing to go back later and read your thoughts, it helps you to see that you may or may not have made progress. It can be a good gauge of success, failure, and change. Just don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t accomplish your goal or meet your own unrealistic expectations (i.e., last year I told myself that enough was enough and that I needed to speak Portuguese. I set a personal goal to speak conversational Portuguese by January 2022 — not realistic at all. I had to revise that goal several times and that’s okay.)

I will usually sit down with my journal sometime in late December to review the year. If I have sketched out some goals in January, it’s always good to see how far I have come. I have also realized that some goals are better not pursued. Travel helps me to see things in new and different ways. It gets me out-of-my-head; new surroundings help with out-of-the-box thinking and creativity.

Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

There are several ways that I choose to challenge myself. Some are more difficult than others:

  • Set a goal and work toward surpassing my marker. For example, organizing my home. I’ll plan to tackle a room at a time and finish in a week. Once I get started, I will challenge myself to get it done in five days with a reward (dinner in a nice restaurant) if I succeed.
  • If I find myself with a thoughts(s) that I believe are damaging my sense-of-self, I will work toward either walking away from the source of these thoughts, or changing the situation so that the outcome will be positive. I am currently in a situation where a couple of people I spend time with, derive pleasure from belittling others. They’re subtle and subversive in their actions. I’m having to decide whether to stay and ignore their toxicity or walk away from it. Accepting that there are people and things I cannot change, has always been challenging. It also good to remind yourself of your own flaws and shortcomings.
  • Therapy entails a lot of work; however, the payoff can be enormous. I have been in therapy on and off since my early twenties. It’s difficult to quantify the benefits, but my gut tells me that I am a better person for having done the work. It’s is certainly not a one and done experience. I believe for most, some kind of therapy, is a lifetime commitment. The pursuit of sanity?
  • Exercise helps me sort out toxic thoughts and put things in perspective. You’re are accomplishing multiple goals when you physically challenge yourself. Let it become a good habit. I miss a workout and I feel it deeply. There are instances when I’m not near a gym or time does not allow a workout; a good long walk can be a positive replacement or substitute.
  • Meditation. I will always recommend meditation. Give yourself a few minutes a day to to free up your mind and make room for possibilities. There are so many ways to meditate and most of them provide benefits.
  • Travel for me is probably my #1 mind opener. It allows you to experience the world in different ways and see things in a different light. It’s a good way to step out of your comfort zone. It’s also a terrific way to meet interesting people and make friends all over the world. I know/knew a couple who travelled into their 90s (one of them has passed). Their stories were enlightening and their dreams were contagious. They are my model for experiencing the wonders of our planet.
Quiet Self Doubt with these Quotes – diaryofarunninglady

Travel

I have plans and tickets for France in a few weeks, but if I’m going to be realistic, I just don’t see it happening [I just postponed this trip until August]. Testing and restrictions make it difficult to enjoy touring. Cuba has been postponed twice already and my February plans also seem doomed for cancellation. It is a Cuba, Toronto, Baltimore itinerary; I’ll be surprised if I can pull it off. I know this isn’t fair to say because so many have been negatively impacted by COVID-19, but I am fucking tired of it. People need to be vaccinated and follow protocols.

One thing is for certain, COVID-19 has helped me to be more flexible and understanding. I have never had to navigate so much uncertainty and change — I’m getting better about going with it. Truthfully, sometimes admitting that it’s getting to me, doesn’t seem to placate my anger. What I want, what I need, is for this virus to become normalized; like the common cold or flu perhaps. Forever the dreamer.

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Anger, Pain & Joy

Most of us feel anger, pain and joy; it’s how we navigate our emotions that makes a difference.

How many emotions can we handle at one time? One moment? One day? One week? The answer of course is many. A number of years ago I decided to begin the day by taking inventory of the many things in my life I am grateful for. Well you know how these intentions work, sometimes I stick with that goal and other times I allow other things to get in the way. I want to discuss why it is so important to stick with goals and how we can control our emotional state of being.

Why Goals Matter

“Always remember your focus determines your reality.”

George Lucas

Getting all caught up in minutia is normal and in some ways a defense mechanism. Our brain tells us that the big things in our lives (i.e., health, finances, relationships) are too big to handle, so we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the little stuff. This week I spent way too much time trying to get a refund from an airline. The Asian flight that was cancelled was a little over $100 and the airline was making it difficult, if not impossible, to get a refund. I did a little research and learned that the airline is filing bankruptcy. Chances are I will never see that money again. I thought about it when I woke-up in the morning and before I went to sleep at night. Why? I told myself that it was the injustice of it all. If I look at all the things that are important in my life, I have to wonder if it’s worth my time and energy. Letting go is a huge goal for me.

How to Stick to Your Goals

  • It’s always easier if a task (goal) is routine — same time everyday or every other day
  • Don’t make it impossible to achieve
  • You have to truly want to achieve that goal
  • Write them down
  • Review your goals often
  • Try to imagine the outcome: If you can see it, you can have it
  • Set reminders (I use Alexa)
  • Have someone close to you remind you
  • Be prepared to walk away from a goal at anytime

What Really Matters

This is tough because we often forget what really matters. Remind yourself constantly. I remind myself that what matters to me are: relationships, my health (mental, physical, spiritual), Paco (my dog), my home, and a sense of purpose. The latter being what I struggle with most.

When I look back at times in my life when I had doubts or emotional pain, what seemed most difficult to navigate were thoughts that my life might not matter. Of course on an intellectual level I know that it matters to those who love and care for me. I guess what I mean is “matter” in the larger scheme of things. Is there are reason for me to be alive? What am I here to accomplish? At the end of my life, if I get the chance to look back, will I be satisfied with what I accomplished?

What’s Next? General End-of-the Year Thoughts

You can just create goals and stop there. Once you achieve your goals, you need to come up with new ones. Evaluate your goals often: are they achievable, how am I progressing, do I need to revise my goals? Difficult questions because it means facing reality and reality isn’t always pretty.

Pushing down medical issues is dangerous and sometimes deadly. When you have symptoms you do not recognize or health related signs that something isn’t right, you cannot ignore them. It’s always better to find out what it is and then deal with it.

I have a lot of prostate cancer in my family. I’m at the age where if it’s going to be a problem in my future, therefore, I have to monitor it now. When men ignore the signs (i.e., problems urinating, blood, pain in the groin area), they may be setting themselves up for more health related difficulties in the future. It doesn’t make sense that we ignore these issues, but we often do.

I believe it’s possible to set so many goals that you become bogged down with things you are trying to achieve. I’m learning to allow the future to present itself organically. Recent events (i.e., the pandemic) have shown me that you have to be flexible and adapt to change. On the other hand, some things require planning (i.e., travel). It’s all about balance and knowing how far you can push yourself. The key for me is a certain amount of discomfort. If I become too comfortable, I begin to accept mediocrity. I become lazy and complacent. I lose the joy I long for and desire. We cannot allow that to happen for obvious reasons.

I have made myself a list (love lists) of things that I cannot allow to happen. Knowing these things to be true for me, helps me to stay on the “correct” path:

  • I cannot give up on my dreams
  • I cannot turn a blind eye to the less fortunate
  • I cannot give up on learning Portuguese
  • I cannot stop writing
  • I cannot skip the gym
  • I cannot rest on my laurels
  • I cannot allow what others think of me to hold me back
  • I cannot walk away from loving relationships
  • I cannot use alcohol or any other substance as a crutch
  • I cannot allow my love of food to lead to an unhealthy weight
  • I can never lose my integrity and self-esteem
  • I cannot allow my ego to control me

A list of the “must haves” in your life is good as well. This being human thing is not an easy challenge. We all know that if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worthwhile or as satisfying.

Goodbye 2020

I was watching a documentary film this morning. It’s about a doctor who does surgeries on women to save their unborn babies. He was inspiring and worthy of paraphrase (The Surgeon’s Cut, first episode):

“It’s not the length of your life that matters, it’s how fulfilling your life is while you’re alive.”

I know others have said this, but sometimes someone says something that stays with you. This is a time of uncertainty; in fact, life is always uncertain, it’s best to live your best life today and not wait until tomorrow. Despite how awful this year has been, I am optimistic. I learned many things about myself in 2020 and I am feeling grateful for so many things. We’re all experts when it comes to fulfillment, if it works for you, it may work for someone else. Share your successes, ideas, and your failures with others. It’s a great way to affirm your truth and live with intention.

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The Tough Questions

It’s so easy to push those negative thoughts down or out or cover them up with pretty frilly things; things that distract, hide, conceal. The hard questions are just that, hard.

About eight years ago my doctor and good friend, sat me down and laid it out for me . . . if I continued living the life I was living, I would die sooner than later. He prescribed Xanax and gave me very clear instructions on how much to take and when to take it. I’ve always hated taking any kind of medication; therefore, I found this to be extremely upsetting and unsettling; I argued and resisted and refused them at first; eventually caving.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

The thing is, I was exercising almost daily, eating healthy foods, seeing a therapist, and talking to close friends. So why was I still so stressed.

“You can play it safe, and I wouldn’t blame you for it. You can continue as you’ve been doing, and you’ll survive, but is that what you want? Is that enough?”
― J.M. Darhower, Sempre

Because I had been in therapy for years and did not feel my life was changing (the way I’d hoped it would), I hired a life coach. Therapy was helping me figure things out and cope with my past, but it wasn’t helping me to see how I might change my current situation.

My life coach helped me to ask the big questions concerning what I wanted in my life and how to get from A to B. She didn’t just ask questions; Betsy was engaging. It was less about figuring out why I am the way I am and more about what I did and did not want out of my life. She was extremely supportive and non-judgmental. Perhaps I could have pulled myself up and out on my own, but the investment in my own wellbeing, paid off.

Questions We Need to Ask Ourselves

  • Am I happy?
  • Am I where I want to be?
  • Are people treating me the way I want to be treated?
  • Are people treating me with respect?
  • Am I being true to myself?
  • Is _____________ good for me?
  • Can I change the things I’m unhappy about?
  • What is stopping me from being my authentic self?
  • Is it worth whatever discomfort __________ causes?
  • Does it matter? Does he/she matter?
  • Is there something troubling me?
  • Is it time for change?

Quick Story

I was involved in a toxic relationship about 20 years ago. It was on and off, more off than on. I kept telling myself that he would change — the lies we tell ourselves. I’m sure you’ve been there. One day I was struggling with the stupid little shiny objects that distract us from the truth. I was sitting in a Starbucks hating my burnt coffee, my stale lemon pound cake, my life. A stranger sat next to me and started up a conversation. She was young and pretty and way too happy.

I kept thinking she would go away and let me get back to my misery, but alas, she was determined. I realized after a few minutes that she was a student at the school where I was the Dean of Students.

At one point while engaging in the usual social niceties, she saw someone walk in and she said,”I thought I just saw your wife.”

I was sort of stunned and bewildered. I questioned her about this and she responded, “Doesn’t your wife work at the school.”

After revealing my sexuality, the two of us had a good laugh. I had no idea that the students thought I was married to a staff member. It got me thinking about perception and forced me to ask myself:

How do you want to be perceived? The truthful answer I gave myself changed my life. I wanted to be perceived as an openly gay and confident man. I had a lot to work on and the questions I had to ask myself to get the work done, were challenging.

I committed to doing the work and although I admit to sometimes going backward before going forward, for the most part, I have been doing the heavy lifting for awhile now. It has been worth the effort, because although life is not perfect, I am where I want to be and I am in a good place emotionally. One can only get there by asking the tough questions.

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Questions I’d Like to Ask You

Many of you contact me privately, which is fine; whatever makes you comfortable. I would like to pose a couple of questions — please answer any or all of them. I ask that you comment on my site so that others can see your response. Many will relate I’m sure. Of course I understand if that makes you uncomfortable and you choose not to. Nothing worse than feeling coerced.

  1. Does fear get in the way of making life changes?
  2. Am I putting off life goals for another time?
  3. Are these issues that worry me life and death matters?
  4. Do you feel empowered to make major changes in your life?
  5. Do you feel that you know yourself?
  6. Are you too comfortable to make a change?
  7. Is looking in the mirror just too painful?
  8. Are you making excuses?

And then there is the question I didn’t ask . . .

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Remaining Positive . . .

Or Shaking Off the Negative

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Photo by Binti Malu on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Around the time that I decided to move overseas, there were a good many disappointments in my life. My 50s were not that great. Frustrated. Feeling trampled on. Left behind. Poor me. No, no, poor, poor me. I struggled with feelings and thoughts that are so foreign to me now, I’d have to dig deep to recall what most of them were . . . and that’s a good thing. I have learned that you can’t run away from your thoughts; however, you can learn to put them into perspective and focus on what truly matters.

I did not move across the pond in order to escape life in Maine. Moving to Europe at some point in my life was a dream and it happened to be as good a time as any to realize that dream.

New beginnings and distance from relationships, helped me examine satisfaction and happiness in my life; where I wanted to be versus where I had been.

 

Goals and Objectives

Objective:  a measure of progress

I have been goal oriented since I decided that peeing in a teeny toilet was far better than sitting in a wet diaper. Seriously, I have always made a list of goals. Early on it was a “to do” list; however, I later learned that there were things I needed to achieve that were more complicated than a daily task. For example:  finding a part-time job when I was a teenager was a way to achieve independence. Buying a home was a way to earn equity; I have often wondered why people who could afford to buy a home, give money to a landlord. It seems counterintuitive to me, but to each his or her own.

Setting goals helps you to feel that have direction; you get a sense for where you want to go. So much more productive than dwelling on negative circumstances in your past.

Current goal:  To learn Portuguese

Objectives:

  1. Set aside a certain amount of time each day to study
  2. Use an app to reinforce vocabulary
  3. Purchase a textbook to assist in the learning process
  4. Work with a tutor twice weekly
  5. Practice, practice, practice

Just an example of what you can do to reach a goal. Don’t forget to periodically check yourself to be certain you’re on track for success.

I went to the grocery store to buy a steak on Monday. I decided I would only speak Portuguese to ask for the steak. The butcher I have been going to for two years, smiled and said, “Excellent, you sound Portuguese.” You have no idea how good it felt to hear those words. Patting yourself on the back is an great way to reinforce the work you’re doing toward achieving a goal. It made me want to learn more so that I can someday have a conversation with him in Portuguese . . . and I will.

I have come to realize that important things in our lives don’t just happen. We have to plan for them, work towards achievement, and reward ourselves when we get there.

 

Dreams

Dreams are very different from goals; goals being more practical and easier to attain. Dreams are big and bold and sometimes seem far into the future. They require out-of-the-box thinking and intense self-empowerment. Neither is easy and we all know that is true.

Sometimes our dreams become reality by luck and good fortune and other times they are shattered and destroyed. Once we accept the ups and downs and highs and lows of life, everything becomes just a little easier. The thing the keep in mind is:  just having a dream is very positive.

Have you ever had a dream come true? When it happens (and it can and will), there is nothing else like the feeling of joy you have when you come to that realization.

I had always dreamt about crossing the finish line at the New York City Marathon. I pictured myself running in Central Park and hearing the crowds cheer me on. I imagined the support from friends and family. I even went so far as to make a space on my dresser for my medal. The day that dream came true was like nothing else I have ever achieved. The elation, the high, the sense of accomplishment and the pride, cannot be measured or fully explained; what you feel is absolute euphoria. The byproducts are even greater:  the knowledge that your dreams can come true, the desire to keep dreaming, and the willingness to do the work.

Yes, I am boasting a bit. I am proud of this achievement and I believe as long as I don’t wear my metal around my neck and rub it in your face, it’s okay to occasionally share my pride with others. I don’t have a partner, supervisor, or fanclub to tout my achievements. It’s my responsibility to puff myself up and show those around me that I am enough. Clearly, you shouldn’t have to run a marathon to know that you are, but the reality is that we live in a world of measurements, standards, and comparisons. Perhaps it’s just human and it will always be this way. You either go along with it or you’re left behind.

I like dreaming big. I enjoy manifesting my dreams and making them real. I embrace the sense of achievement and pride that comes with having a lofty goal become reality. What is that famous quote, “Shoot for the stars and land on the moon?” I looked it up and found 16 versions of the same idea.

 

A lifelong dream:  Someday I’d like to own a home where I can wake up and see the ocean. I can currently see the Atlantic Ocean beyond the Ria Formosa, but what I’m talking about is seeing and hearing waves. I’m not ready to give up on this dream. It’s not world peace; it’s much more realistic and personal.

They (the experts) say, “If you can see it, than you can have it.” I’m beginning to see it.

 

Impulse

Being more impulsive has been one of my more difficult goals to achieve. Stubborn personality traits can sometimes win out over our more whimsical desires. I always wanted to be the sort of person who wakes up in the morning and decides to drop everything and take a flight to Puerto Rico (or some other faraway place); this is unlikely to happen. I am just way too practical and my “to do” list has always been my priority. I’m taking baby steps by booking trips without spending much time weighing the pros and cons. The flip side of being more practical, is the ability to achieve goals by planning; setting aside the funds to have what you want in the future, rather than spending it all on impulses — balance is key. There are some who will laugh at this and wish they were less impulsive; our differences are part of the human condition.

 

The People You Surround Yourself With

I believe that of all the lessons I have learned in life, learning to walk away has been the most important. Toxic people cause us great harm and often, emotional pain. It is difficult to confront a person you have known for a long time and to share your truth. Often you know the kind of response you will get before you even have the conversation. Most people avoid confrontation. These same people have a difficult time with criticism. They become defensive, angry and lash out. I’m willing to give it a go, just to test the waters. However, these days after one failed attempt, I rarely go back for more. You need to weigh the pros and cons to determine how important it is to have this person in your life.

This attitude can seem cold, harsh, and uncaring. Actually, I think it’s love on the highest level; it’s a love of oneself — a love we must embrace. It’s a path to staying positive. I’ve shared this struggle on several occasions, proving to myself, that it remains a struggle.

 

Is Moving Away the Solution?

The answer is no; however, taking a step back in order to gain perspective is key. If moving away means running away and not addressing the issue, then no, it’s not a solution. Stay put and sort things out; if you still want to relocate after you’ve moved on emotionally, then and only then, would a major move be positive.

Leaving New York and moving to Maine was probably a “run away” scenario — I’m certain my close friends would share that belief. It was painful and difficult to address the issue I was dealing with from over 300 miles away. Fortunately, I was committed to facing and getting past the thing that was gnawing away at my psyche.

 

When the Past Revisits You

Many people come in and out of our lives without much fanfare. They are good people who make us smile, teach us lessons, and enhance our lives. Much of the time we’re too busy to stop and truly notice.

This week, I received a call from an individual I worked with in the culinary world 15 years ago. He told me that he’d come across my name and was curious about how things were going in my life. He shared his own success and we talked about the past. He was very generous with his memories of me and my contributions. Two things stuck out about his call:  first, we sometimes make a positive impression on an individual and never get to learn about it, and secondly, we dwell on relationships that are/were difficult, rather than focusing on the ones that enhance(d) our lives.

This individual helped me to remember some very positive events happening in my life at that time. Clearly, when I consider my past these are not the memories that surface for me. What I learned from this unexpected call, is the importance of recalling the positive memories; these memories will add perspective and hope to your current situation. I am very grateful to this individual for unknowingly teaching me an important life lesson. We have the ability to recall significant accomplishments in our past that shaped who we are and informed where we ended up. I would not be happily living in Portugal had it not been for my past experiences — why not reflect upon the happy memories and allow them to add to our current happiness.

 

A Few On-line Resources:

The Power of Positive Thinking

21 Ways to Create and Maintain a Positive Attitude

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/positive-attitude-leads-success-happiness-dr-sanjay-prem/

 

What’s Coming:

Traveling to Toulouse (return trip) in a few weeks, Manchester in April, and the Outer Banks of North Carolina in May. Look for observations, thoughts, opinions, and travel tips.