I Have a Few

What is a trigger in mental health?

In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment (healthline.com).

I was in the middle of writing this and I happened to see Hugh Grant being interviewed on a talk show. He was asked if there is anything these days that pisses him off (paraphrasing). He said, “There are so many things.” Having watched this actor go through some very difficult times, It felt good to know I am not alone. I suspect a few of you reading this will agree.

I’m going to start by stating some of the things that trigger me:

• when people do not listen when others are speaking directly to them
• when someone jumps ahead in line
• lying, cheating, and deception
• when I share how I feel or what I think and the person I’m talking to immediately gets defensive (I have to be careful because I sometimes get defensive)
• when someone gets away with a violation of the law, when others have been severely punished for the same crime
• when people do not pick up their dog poop
• the revving of motorcycle engines (noise pollution; usually teenagers and usually when I’m reading)
• when someone cuts me off while I’m driving
• when someone pushes me
• when someone yells at me
• when google maps sends me in circles or to the wrong address
• people who try to enter a train or elevator before those who are exiting
• when I’m sitting at an outdoor café on a beautiful day and someone at the table next to me is doing something to ruin the experience (could be any number of things)
• when government agencies deliberately use red tape to deter you from pursuing a benefit
• when people talk during a film
• when parents do nothing to quiet their screaming babies
• when people speak loudly on their cell phones (especially on public transportation)
• when salespeople try to tell me what I need
• when doctors (or other professionals) are condescending
• when someone drinks like a fish (or orders a Tomahawk) at dinner and wants to split the check
• when young people take a seat on public transportation and then fail to offer their seat to those who need to sit
• when an individual insists on talking to me about their religion even when I insist I am not interested
• when individuals use a public restroom and leave it a mess
• when someone comes to my house for a dinner party and says, “I meant to bring you something, but I forgot” or “I didn’t have time to stop.”

As I was typing, I realized my list is endless. I’d love to know about your triggers.

My Reaction to Being Triggered

I imagine that many of you will relate to how it feels to be triggered. It seems like it doesn’t take much to set people off these days. Lately, my immediate reaction to being triggered is rage. After the initial internal explosion of anger, I assess the situation. Is it safe for me to communicate my displeasure? Unfortunately, most people cannot handle feedback; therefore, I have to hold back. This has been true for past relationships and interaction with family as well. Baggage I have carried with me since childhood has had a big impact on my everyday life. The things that trigger me have remained fairly consistent; what has changed is how I react.

What Control Looks Like

If I can diffuse my anger and walk away, that is by far the best response. I take a deep breath and consider a healthy way to cope. If I’m on the road, I try my best to switch to soothing music. If the anger builds and I feel myself remaining tense, I pull over and sit for a while. If I’m on the street, I cross over to the opposite side. If I’m in a shop, I leave. If I need to buy something, I go to another part of the shop and wait a few minutes.

When I worked in an office I had no choice but to completely control my anger. Considering I worked in the same place for 16 years and I was promoted several times, I must have been successful at holding back. I recall walking to my office, closing the door, and taking several deep breaths. Ultimately I did lose my cool with my boss and then resigned a few days later; however, in all fairness, it was time.

I think when you can control your anger in the workplace, you should be able to do it everywhere else. If you find you have trouble responding in a healthy way, there are people and organizations available to help. I found that a life coach, was a life saver.

The Work

Ah the hard work that needs to be done — it ain’t easy. In order to prevent myself from becoming an angry old man, I need to be aware of my triggers and work on my reaction. I need to react in a healthy way, without the help of substances. Here’s the plan:

1. The first thing I need to do is choose healthy responses to most situations. Create a tool box with tools I can call upon.
2. I need to practice with someone I trust. I need to be fully present.
3. After I try a response, I need to assess the success of said response. Did I remain calm? Did I carry the anger with me all day or night? If I was able to diffuse the anger, what did I learn from it?
4. Repeat, repeat, repeat, until a successful response becomes my go to in the future.
5. Do a regular check on where I am with anger control.
6. Congratulate myself for making progress and learning new behaviors.
7. Ask people I trust, how I’m doing.

One needs to also keep in mind that some amount of anger is healthy — it’s good to feel rage, so long as you can control it.

What I Strive For

Ultimately, I’d like to be nonplussed by my triggers — I’d like to stop caring as much as I do. For example, I witness someone leaving dog poop on the street and I either pick it up myself or turn the other way. No lingering anger or resentment, just acceptance and a version of indifference.

I don’t want to be “that guy.” That guy who pisses and moans about everything; that guy who is labeled “negative;” that guy who doesn’t see the good in things or people; that guy with a short fuse; that guy who doesn’t care about anything. I want to be known as easygoing and sexy (just wanted to be sure you were paying attention).

I observed a person I was spending time with yesterday, being triggered several times. I observed several passive aggressive responses to their anger. A great way to learn how not to respond. Nobody likes the tension caused by this sort of reaction. This is why Karens are unpopular.

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Future Travel

Lyon, France for Christmas, South Africa land & sea in February, and Oslo, Norway, July 2024. Finally, a visit to the Puglia region of Italy in the spring of 2025. The United States in 2025 is likely: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Maryland, and North Carolina. I booked a Mediterranean cruise for October 2025; more about that some other time — it sails from Tel Aviv. I know you may not see it, but this is a much lighter travel schedule than the past.

Current State of Mind

I’m having my wood floors refinished next month and it will be a big mess (I don’t like messes). In anticipation, I am taking it easy and keeping plans to a minimum. I know that my life will be turned upside down for at least a week in mid-January; therefore, I’m enjoying the holiday season and the quiet that I am experiencing now.