Coney Island had three things going for it: Amusement parks, beaches boasting big waves, and Nathan’s hot dogs. As a child, I took all of that for granted. Being a kid is about being in the moment, not so much thinking about the past, and only having time for the immediate future. I was not your typical kid; I was certain the space beneath the boardwalk was my bunker and my gateway to paradise.
I was six years old and going to the beach was always a treat, but not for the reasons you might think. I hated two things that the beach offered; hot sand and seaweed. I thought seaweed was way too slimy; I avoided it like you’d avoid a swarm of bees. Hot sand burned the bottom of my feet, confining me to our blanket or a beach towel. So why did I love the beach? I could easily hide under the boardwalk where it was cool and quiet. What made it even more attractive, was the fact that it was off-limits to everyone.
I’m still not sure why my mother allowed me to sneak away and hide there. Wasn’t it dangerous? Couldn’t someone have come along and snatched me? Didn’t bums go there to take a shit? So many questions, but none I was concerned about.
I remember the first time I discovered I could easily shimmy between the boardwalk and the sand. I felt invincible and oh so cool. That’s how I felt, but I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Nobody judged me under the boardwalk.
After squirming my way under, the first thing that struck me back then, was how the light sliced through the wooden boards. It made these diagonal stripes across the sand; I was certain this was not a common occurrence. I wondered if it was possible that this place was meant to be my place; only mine.
You might be wondering how I passed the time under the boardwalk or if I ever went there with anyone else. The thing is, time was different there; time could not be counted or clocked — time only passed above the boards.
Under the boardwalk I was a warrior; fighting off the enemy — whomever the enemy might be. Mom’s friend Vito, pow, pow, pow. Vito drinks too much and grabs my mom’s ass. Not while I’m in charge. Margie, our neighbor who stinks up the neighborhood with her horrible cooking; didn’t mean to slam that oven door down on your head Margie. Uncle Gary leaving his stink bombs all over the dining room . . . somebody keyed your car Uncle Gary, isn’t that a shame. I couldn’t be caught as long as I had my hiding place.
Nobody could hurt me, touch me, ignore me, or scream at me under the boardwalk. There was a homeless guy living under another section of the boardwalk, but it didn’t bother me. As long as he stayed in his own area, I pretended he was on neutral ground. I had my own little arsenal of weapons that I hid there. None of them could kill, but they could do some damage when provoked.
This one time I was daydreaming about a birthday party my mother threw for me. All the kids in the neighborhood were there; even kids I didn’t know. Some of the kids were fighting over who was my best friend. I knew who my best friend was, but I didn’t say anything because Vinny doesn’t know he’s my best friend. I suppose he may never know — doesn’t matter, so long as I know. Vinny could have even hid with me if he wanted to.
My mother once asked me what exactly I did when I was under the boardwalk. I told her that I didn’t do anything and that seemed to be enough for her. She just told me to be careful. I’m not sure why I needed to be careful, why would anyone have hurt me in my hiding place.
I’m twenty-six years old now. I’ve traveled to many places, I’ve dreamed, and I’ve come close to dying. No place that I have been since that time I spent under the boardwalk has ever come close to being as magical. It wasn’t the light or the temperature; it wasn’t the sound of the waves crashing close by, it wasn’t even the self-proclaimed hero I knew in my heart I was, it was the solitary fact that my mother trusted me enough to allow me to be there by myself, with myself. I’m there right now. I’m under the boardwalk, won’t you join me?
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A reminder that this story is a work of fiction. I’m having fun writing these stories; stories that live inside my head.
One of the best things about being in Oslo for the month of July (aside from the weather), was the magnificent selection of wines from all over the world. Unfortunately, not the case in the Algarve where only good Portuguese wine is on offer. I like variety.
Peter was fortunate to have come into extreme wealth while he was young enough to enjoy it. His father, Martin Crowner was part of the Andy Warhol “Factory” crowd of the 1960s to the 80s. Among his useful friends were famous artists such as Basquiat, Herring, and Banksy. They were not famous at the time, but Martin and his wife Perdy, had a hunch about the potential of some of these pop culture trendsetters. The two of them were vanilla and inconspicuous and could allow their artist friends to be in the spotlight.
Andy Warhol liked Martin and Perdy because they never fawned over him. Both were aware that Warhol had a cult following and anything he touched seemed to turn to gold. Martin watched to see who Warhol was courting and promoting. During this very prolific period, Martin quietly collected 28 art pieces, which he stored in a secure unit in Queens, New York.
When Martin died, Peter became acutely interested in his father’s past and made it his business to learn more about who he knew, what he knew, and how he came upon such a lucrative collection. Why had he kept his ownership of the paintings and the storage of them, to himself? Peter was relentless in his pursuit of nibbles of truth he could use as a jumping off point in his very private and personal investigation.
When he was a young boy, he recalled a man coming over to the house early in the morning asking his father to “come clean.”
The angry man must have asked the same question ten times, “Where are you keeping the artwork Peter?”
He recalls his father saying he had no idea what the man was talking about. This incident seemed to take place around the time that Warhol was shot in the stomach while working in his studio. Did his father have anything to do with the shooting? Peter had a vivid imagination and his parents revealed no clues.
There were parties at Peter’s house throughout his lonely childhood. He’d wake up and see people he’d never seen before sleeping on the sofa or outside on the pool deck; sometimes sprawled out in their unfinished basement. He often felt invisible as he curiously wandered among the seemingly dead bodies. His parents would wake and coax people to the front door — never an argument or fight.
Some returned for future parties and others were never to be seen again. Peter didn’t have a sense back then that their lives were any different than anyone else’s. What he did think was strange, however, was his father’s detachment. These people were all around them, but his father seemed more an observer than a participant and his mother appeared to be, just playing along.
Sometimes Peter would ask about certain people, “Why is that man dressed like a woman?
“Do you take drugs too daddy?
His parents always had the same answer, “Keep quiet Peter, nobody we know takes drugs — mind your own business.”
Martin worked in advertising. He would often run ideas by Perdy, who was interested, but oddly aloof. His father would get frustrated and say,
“Thanks Perdy, you’re always so helpful.”
Martin, ever the sarcastic prick. Perdy rarely paid any attention to what he said. Peter, forced to remain in the shadows.
Perdy died of ovarian cancer when Peter was 12 years old. No family was allowed to visit during her illness. Martin stayed with his wife day and night; she remained stoic till the end. A small funeral followed her death; Warhol, Edie Sedgwick and a few others he recognized stopped by the house to pay their respects. None of them recognizing Peter.
Martin had been a reserved man who faded into the background, but Perdy’s death amplified his insecurities. He mostly remained home when he wasn’t at work; pouring over papers and watching hours and hours of television, probably for the advertising. Peter stayed in his room; talking to his father was not an option and Peter had no idea what Martin was thinking.
Martin, a complicated man for sure, but how did he acquire all those paintings? Was he gifted the artwork? Did he steal them? Did he have proof that he was the rightful owner? Peter had to know the truth. He hoped he would eventually learn how it all went down.
But how would he get to the bottom of it? He could no longer ask his mother, his father didn’t seem to have any real friends; the artists whose paintings he inherited were all dead, and as far as he knew there was no provenance documentation. Peter couldn’t go public until he knew all the facts and he could prove ownership of the paintings.
Peter cold called dozens of artists who may have known someone who knew the artists who painted the pieces Martin had stored. After months of getting nowhere, he finally talked to a friend of Keith Haring. Gerry Parma was Haring’s lover back in the 80s. Gerry told Peter that Keith often spoke of Martin.
“Oh yea, Keith told me more than once, that your father was a power broker in the artworld and that he hoped Martin would help him become famous. This call led him to four or five people who all said the same thing about his father. One friend of a friend agreed to meet Peter for a drink.
A few days later Peter met Will Penbrook at The Chelsea Hotel. Will introduced him to a staff member who’d been at The Chelsea for forty five years. Ron said he knew Martin and Perdy fairly well.
“I knew both your parents. Sometimes your mother would show up to pick-up packages. I’m pretty sure they were paintings, but I’m not sure.”
Helpful, however, no answers to speak of. A year after the death of his father, Peter received a letter from Chase Bank. They told Peter that his father had a safe deposit box at the bank and they were inquiring as to whether or not Peter would be renewing the rental. Peter informed the bank that he was the sole recipient of the Crowner estate, but that he did not have a key to the box. In fact, he’d never heard about this safe deposit box. The Chase manager said that as long as he could verify that he was the sole heir, he could acquire the contents of the box.
The next day Peter went into Chase to clear out the safe deposit box; he had no expectations. When he opened the box he found several things: his mother’s jewelry which he assumed his father had sold after her death, a letter addressed to Peter and proof of ownership of all 28 paintings in storage. Peter walked out of the bank in a stupor. His father´s secrecy lingered even after his death. Why had he not told Peter about any of this? Peter decided to open the letter later that evening, where he could be in a quieter place with a gin martini, his father’s favorite.
Dear Peter,
I know you’re wondering why I didn’t make you aware of this letter sooner. My attorney was not very happy with me for handling the matter this way, but as you already know, I lived life on my own terms.
First, I want to apologize for my failures as a father. Early on in our lives, without meaning to, your mother and I became involved in a dangerous, cut throat world of schemers and thieves. It was a rabbit hole we had no choice but to protect you from.
I looked around me and saw dealers exploiting the art market by bidding higher than the paintings value, creating the illusion of a frenzied market, and then stockpiling paintings until the value exploded. I couldn’t sit by without finding a way to legitimately capitalize on it. I had to be very discreet and professional in order to gain the trust of those insecure, doped-up artists. Most of them had little or no talent, but every once-in-a-great while I witnessed raw talent I knew I could exploit. With the help of your mother, who became a trusted broker, we promised fame in exchange for a painting or two. My sole responsibility was to create buzz around an artist who had potential. Our inclusive parties, dinner engagements, and artist friends, all helped to boost the fame of a select few.
Your mother was cunning and always gracious. We acquired the paintings along with signed and notarized letters gifting the paintings to you Peter. Every painting in storage has provenance and enormous value. Over time I sold off the paintings I knew would never increase in value. At the time of the writing of this letter, the value (before taxes of course) of your paintings is over a billion dollars. All legitimate, all done without bloodshed. And you were not involved in a single transaction.
We loved you very much Peter. You were our only authentic creation. We protected you from the moment of your birth until we could no longer do so. I know this treasure trove will cause you consternation, but hopefully, over time you will come to enjoy the collection. Do with it what you wish; museums, sales, hang them in your home, give them away — you decide. For your mother and I, the thrill was in the acquisition. Neither of us had any regrets. If you don’t already know this by now, the world is made up of passive bystanders and ferocious capitalists. We were the latter, and we raised you to be the former. I hope you come to appreciate our selfish intentions.
Please destroy this letter after you read it. There are some secrets better kept hidden forever.
Love,
Dad
For several years, Peter struggled with the legacy his parents left behind. They weren’t thieves or murderers, but what they did was deceptive. It was his hope to grow his fortune and use it for good. He knew his father was right about the failings of humankind; he also knew that his own legacy would one day be admired.
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A reminder that the story is a work of fiction.
A few more days in Oslo, Norway and then back to Faro for the rest of the summer. Krakow, Poland in the fall and Bristol, England in the winter — didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t be traveling as much this year. Faro in the fall will be glorious (I just have to get through August; hopefully with a cool breeze off of the Ria Formosa).
My first time using AI. I typed in Harris versus Trump for president and this is what I got. I think Trump looks more like Trump. Let the games begin!
Each and every time I see someone genuflect, it reminds me of my uncle, Father Simon. My father’s brother was larger than life; pious, soft spoken and a deplorable pedophile. Twenty years after his death, and not a single family member is willing to call him out for who he really was and the damage he did. I can no longer remain silent.
Father Simon, not sure why, but that’s what I was forced to call him. He would come for Sunday supper after delivering Mass in the Bronx. His parish was in the Bronx; one of the only things I was grateful for. Whenever he walked through the door, it was as if Jesus himself appeared. The women in the family would yell and scream and the men would hug and kiss him. Nobody ever said anything bad about Father Simon. I mostly hid in the shed outside the house.
The shed was always musty and dark, but it was safe because Father Simon would never go there. He would always be looking at me, didn’t anyone notice? He’d pick me up to kiss me when I didn’t want to be kissed. He’d bring me candy, but I didn’t want it.
“You’re such a sweet boy and you look just like me.”
“Come here Sean, sit on your uncle’s knee. Come here so I can tickle you. Let me put sunscreen on you.” Let me violate you.
Father Simon was a drunk too. He liked red wine. Nobody cared that he laughed too loud or drank too much or that he fondled me in my bedroom. I asked him to stop touching me, but he would tell me that uncles were allowed to touch their nephews and that priests were doing God’s work.
“It’s a way of showing you my love Sean. I love you very much. But if you tell your parents, you’ll go to hell — they’ll go to hell. Remember I am a man of God and he always listens to me.”
When I was 10 years old I put six Ex-Lax pills in Father Simon’s chocolate pudding. He stayed in the bathroom for three hours that day. I didn’t care where he ended up so long as he stayed away from me.
This business of Father Simon putting his hands all over me went on for years. When I was 14 years old I threatened him with a pair of scissors and he never came near me again. I was angry at myself for being mean to Father Simon. Everyone loved him, so it had to be me that was the problem.
I’ve been in therapy for several years; although I think it’s helpful, I know that I am damaged goods; emotionally and psychologically. A recent conversation with my mother went like this:
“Mom, do you have any idea what Father Simon did to me when I was a child?”
“Come on Sean, that was a long time ago and things were different back then.”
“Are you telling me that you knew what was happening?”
“I didn’t know anything back then Sean, and for the life of me I don’t understand why you want to talk about this now. Your father and I loved your uncle very much. He did so much good for his community and he was adored by so many. Telling people about what happened to you will not change anyone’s mind about Father Simon; he was a man of God and we need to let him rest. You’re going to put your father underground if you keep this up.”
I’m not sure what is worse, the abuse or the denial. How can I love a God who would allow this to happen to so many innocent children? Trust that there is a reason so many suffer? I am sorry, but Father Simon destroyed any faith I may have had. There are two things I know for certain: first, there are known monsters among us who are permitted to destroy lives in the name of God, and second, they need to be stopped.
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Just a reminder that my current stories are fictional. I have never actually had a priest lay a hand on me.
State-of-Mind
The scary and precarious political situation in the United States is throwing me off-balance. My thinking is dark, therefore, my writing is darker. I’m not sure where we are headed and despite what’s going on all around me, I am hopeful — I know it’s Pollyanna, but I’m not sure how else to be. I am very concerned about Gaza and Ukraine, I cannot imagine that the current state of affairs in either place is sustainable. Innocent people are dying due to extreme positions around religion and land ownership. I cannot imagine any favorable outcome.
I pushed the tiny box as far back into my dresser drawer as I could. It wasn’t so much that I was hiding it, as that I preferred not to see it. I have this terrible habit of keeping things out of sight. If I can’t see it or nobody else knows about it, it never happened; at least that’s what I tell myself.
A year ago, I was hiking in the Adirondacks on a crisp, cloud covered morning. It was late November and frosty mornings were the norm. You know, the kind of morning when you don’t want to get out of bed or take off your pajamas. It was early; very early. I keep this little notebook where I tell myself what I’ll do and how I’ll do it and who I’ll do it with; way too many imperatives. I planned that I’d go for a hike on that particular morning. The sun was just coming up behind the clouds, a breeze rustled the trees, and my hiking boots were one size too small. I wish I could say I was enjoying the hike when I happened upon it.
It’s still difficult for me to name it. It was sitting beside a fallen tree, covered in dirt and some other grimson colored goop. I crouched down and looked at it more closely. At first I was certain my eyes were playing tricks on me. I stood up, shook my head and started to walk away. They say you can’t unsee something once you’ve seen it. I stopped and looked back, hoping I’d look again and see a rock or a flower; anything other than what I thought I’d seen.
Human curiosity can produce an awfully foreboding feeling. I wanted to just keep going and let somebody else deal with it, but no, not that day. I walked back and looked down, focusing more closely on it this time. Yup, no denying it, what I was seeing was a blood covered human ear. It looked as if it had been chewed or torn off its owner’s head. All sorts of possibilities went through my mind as I looked around; a bear, a jealous lover, a prank? I hoped it was a prank; part of a costume.
I looked for a napkin or a piece of scrap paper, but I had nothing on me. I took off one of my socks, picked the ear up by its lobe and dropped it into my sock. Why did I do this? If I could tell you I would. I carried it out of the woods like it was contaminated.
When I got home, I thought about calling the police. The thought left my mind quickly; they’d ask all sorts of questions and I didn’t have the time or patience. So I put it in a box and tucked it away.
By the time dinner came, I’d pretty much forgotten about the ear in the box. After dinner I turned on the local news, poured myself a brandy and finally took a breath. Five minutes in, they announced that a hiker reported finding a thumb about a half mile from where I’d found the ear.
So now I’m concerned. An ear, a thumb, what’s next, a leg? I get really fidgety and I start pacing? What if somebody out there is hurt badly and they’re bleeding to death because I failed to call the police? What if it’s someone I know. I was certain that I waited too long. If I called the police now, they’d question me about why I waited and if there was a crime, I could be considered a suspect or an accomplice. I went to bed on pins and needles, riddled with guilt.
After a restless night, I tuned on the news first thing in the morning. The local news reported that the person whose thumb was cut off, was located and they were able to sew his thumb back on. They were being very cagey about the circumstances, but from what I could gather, it had been foul play. Okay, so he’s alive, that’s good. But I had his fucking ear sitting in a box in my dresser. Shit, shit, shit.
Hours slowly crept by, thoughts of possible cameras in the woods, someone having seen me getting into my car; I was distraught. Having seen countless hours of Law & Order and having read way too many crime novels, I was certain I was fucked and headed for prison. Every minute that went by made it more impossible for me to go to the police, ear in hand, engulfed in shame and remorse.
A couple of days passed and the news networks were still not revealing the name of the individual that lost his appendages. On one hand I was relieved that he was alive, but the guilt I felt was all consuming. I’d thought about returning the ear to the woods, but my fear of being seen kept me from following through. I couldn’t tell anyone about my situation, knowing I’d be chided for my bad judgment.
Weeks turned into months as I finally let go of the dread. I hadn’t killed anyone for Christ’s sake. I knew by then that no one had seen me and that my secret would remain a secret. The only person I lied to was myself and I guess I’d have to live with that. I stayed away from the hiking path; out of sight, out of mind.
Months later I was walking out of my house and noticed a moving truck parked on the curb. I knew the house had been sold and that I’d soon have new neighbors. I went to work hoping that they’d be nice people. I thought I might go over to say hello when I got home.
When I pulled into my driveway that evening, my new neighbor came over to my car to greet me. He seemed friendly enough; his wife, standing by their front door, was a bit standoffish. His name was Jake and hers Suzanne. Jake told me that they would be having a barbeque in two weeks and he hoped that I would join them. I said that I certainly would be there.
A few nights later I turned on the news. At the close of the regular broadcast there was an announcement that they would be interviewing the man who had lost his thumb and ear months before. Apparently he was ready to tell his story. I almost turned off the television; I had moved on and I wasn’t sure I wanted to see the man’s face or hear his story. After all, his left ear remained hidden in my house. My curiosity got the better of me and I waited out the commercials for the interview. I got up to get a beer out of the refrigerator and I heard the news anchor introducing the man being interviewed. When he spoke, I thought I’d heard his voice before. When I walked into the living room, my new neighbor Jake was on the screen speaking about what happened to him in the woods. I stood staring in shock. Jake explained that he was jogging that day and a man jumped out of the bushes and hit him over the head with a bat. He said that he’d blacked out and woke-up some time later and staggered out of the woods to his car. His cell phone had been stolen and he was bleeding, but he didn’t realize how bad it was. He drove himself to the hospital and learned a short time later that his thumb had been recovered.
The interviewer talked about how fortunate Jake was that they could re-attach his thumb and then he asked Jake why he chose to remain anonymous. I kept shaking my head in disbelief. Jake said that he was fearful that the person who’d done this to him may have thought that Jake had seen his face. He was afraid the guy would want to finish him off. He further explained that the police had searched the woods for his left ear, but that there was no appeal to recover it because the surgeon explained that it was too long since the incident and they would be unable to re-attach it. Jake was calm and showed no anger toward the individual who may have found his ear and failed to report it.
I turned off the television, sat back on the sofa; all of the guilt rushing back, except that now, the guy whose ear was in my dresser lived next door. What would I do, what could I do? Jake could obviously never know that I found his ear and failed to contact the police. I’m not sure, but I think his wife Suzanne suspects that I have it. It was the way she looked at me the day they moved in. I will of course decline the barbeque invitation — I will decline any invitation from them. My plan was to drive the ear to the lake later that day. The bottom of the lake was a safer hiding place; hopefully denial will help with the rest.
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I’m enjoying this folks; thank you for indulging me.
This fictional piece was written in Oslo, Norway, where I am enjoying summer rain, an occasional fire, and delicious wild Atlantic Salmon. Paco’s first flight, but by any means, not his last.
Steven dreaded the holidays with his family. He could handle the drama and the snarky comments from his older sister Claire, but the looks from Claire´s husband Roger, were always hard to take. His brother-in-law behaved as though his Harvard degree put him above the rest. He wasn’t sure this visit would end well — he wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
Christmas was a week away and Steven had not yet secured a plane ticket. He wondered if he could use the “I couldn’t get a flight,” excuse. Claire would surely cut his balls off if he failed to show up. She knew what buttons to push and how and when to push them. Steven wasn’t around when their mother was dying, Steven couldn’t afford his own rehab treatment, Steven couldn’t hold onto a job, and her list of his ineptitudes went on. She’d use sharp words and veiled threats to hammer home his failings.
It was not until 3:00 a.m. the following morning that he went on-line, secured the last ticket, and got a seat in the very back of the airplane. Dallas would not be welcoming to this northeasterner. Christmas would be all about cracked and too warm concrete and a whole lot of Texas fake charm. Being home in time for a New York, New Year’s eve celebration, would be the only thing keeping him breathing while away. He sent Claire a text to let her know his plans. Her one word, “okay,” reply only reinforced his disdain for her. He was certain Roger would be disappointed that he’d chosen to make the trip.
The reading of his father’s will was scheduled for the morning of December 26th. He booked his ticket home for that afternoon, thinking the shame he’d feel would accelerate his desire to leave as soon as he could. He didn’t share his plan with Claire knowing she would oppose his hasty exit. She and Roger sitting across from him gloating following the reading, would be way too much to bear.
He’d been thinking about his father a lot lately. He knew his independent and defiant nature was a disappointment. His father warned him that a career as an artist would be a difficult life; fighting poverty and harsh public criticism. But Steven had to follow his dream to paint, with or without his father’s approval. His father was a man of few words, always working and avoiding homelife. Now it was time to hear from his father from the grave; ultimately having to have his rejection spelled out in front of the two people he disliked most.
In the taxi on the way to Claire’s house he considered turning back and flying home. There was no law that said he was obligated to be at the reading. The voices in his head told him to grow up and face life head on — it would be over soon enough.
When he arrived at Claire’s house, at first he didn’t think they were home. He’d told her what time he’d arrive, but greeting him would have been out-of-character. He walked around the back of the house where Claire and Roger were having a drink on the patio. Claire got up to put her cheek in his face for a kiss, Roger stayed seated. They asked him about the trip south, but neither truly cared to listen to his response. After a few awkward words, they told him that his room was ready. He carried his bag up the stairs and closed the door. If he could, he would have stayed there until the day after Christmas.
The house was not decorated for the holidays, calling it sterile would be an understatement. It was soulless, lifeless and always frigid cold. As he lay in the bed staring at the ceiling, he contemplated his options. Calling his childhood friend Ben to provide an escape seemed to be the only solution he could stomach. Ben was thrilled to hear from him and they made plans for dinner that evening.
When he finally had the nerve to go downstairs, Claire asked him why he wasn’t ready for dinner. Steven attempted to tell her that he was unaware of dinner plans, but she screeched, scolded and told him that he was insensitive. He canceled his plans with Ben and went back upstairs to change. He wished he could have a shot of something strong to take the edge off, but Claire and Roger were way too righteous to drink.
Steven ordered a cocktail at the restaurant and they both gave him a judgmental look. They talked about the weather; he hoped Claire wouldn’t bring up their dad, but his hopes were quickly squashed.
“Don’t you even care about what he was like at the end?”
“I know what he was like Claire, you’ve told me numerous times.”
“And you think I’ve told you everything?”
“I think what you shared was sufficient.”
“Did I tell you that during his final moments he asked where you were. You disappointed him right to the very end.”
“Thank you for that Claire. You know very well that I had flown here twice before only to learn that he could live that way for months and in fact he did.”
“But why didn’t you come when it was certainly the end? Why did you leave everything to me like you always did?”
“Because Claire, you do whatever you want to do. You act as if I’m not even in the room. It’s pointless for me to even try. But does any of it matter now? Let’s just leave it Claire.”
Roger sat seething until Steven tried to put a stop to the badgering. He was waiting for the last word.
“You have no idea how pathetic you sound Steven. Your father never had to look very hard for reasons to resent and dislike you, you made it easy. You were a terrible son and you’ve been a useless brother. You’re a failure at everything you attempt.”
Steven slowly folded his napkin and motioned for the check. He threw down cash to cover the bill and started for the door.
“You’re not going to wait for us to drive home?”
“No Claire, I’ll walk back. Please leave the door open, I’ll see you the day after Christmas. I’ll be out tomorrow.”
Claire threw back her chair and stood up as Steven walked away. She didn’t try to stop him, knowing that Roger had gone too far. She didn’t mind it though, she hoped he’d spend Christmas somewhere else.
Steven tried his best to enjoy Christmas at Ben’s house. It was warm and welcoming, just the kind of Christmas he’d never had with family. He and Ben talked a bit about the reading of the will. Steven assured him that Claire would walk away with the house, the money, and God knows what else — Steven didn’t know what his father had accumulated in his mostly hidden life. For him, the will would be closure. He wasn’t angry. Relief was closer to what he knew he’d feel. The death of his mother Sheila, two years prior, was difficult. She was a woman who wore resentment like a badge of honor. She never wanted children and marriage was a ball and chain. She and Claire battled to the end; Steven did everything he could to stay invisible. Their father turned a blind eye and never said a word. His mother’s bitterness robbed his father of any happiness he hoped to enjoy. They were four people searching for anything other than what they had.
Steven woke early the day after Christmas. He grabbed his overnight bag. When he went downstairs, Claire was waiting.
“What do you think Dad will leave you Steven? Are you here because you think you deserve something? Why did you come? Why show up now?”
“Are you ready to go, Claire?”
“Answer me Steven, do you think you earned dad’s money? I’m certain Dad wished you’d died before him.”
Steven held his tongue. He knew Claire was doing her best to twist the knife so that she could watch him squirm. The last comment was a zinger, but he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
Roger drove silently to the attorney’s office. Steven’s bag was next to him in the back seat of the car. Neither Claire nor Roger had commented on it. Steven carried into the office.
The attorney, Mr. Brenner, seated them facing his desk, Roger in the middle of his wife and brother-in-law. There was no small talk, no questions, and no smiles. Attorney Brenner explained that the will had been written by Steven Sr., after their mother’s death; updated two months before their father’s death. Their father, Mr. Steven Forrester, was of sound mind and body when he updated the will. There were two witnesses who could attest to the aforementioned. Steven was struck by the absence of emotion on the part of Mr. Brenner. He was well aware that this man and his father had attended Yale undergrad together, played golf, and remained good friends throughout their lives. Claire had contact with Mr. Brenner through the years, but you’d never know it based on their interaction. The attorney had left Steven a message urging him to attend the reading and he didn’t understand why it was so important.
Mr. Brenner asked if there were any questions and all three shook their heads from side-to-side. The first three sentences were standard legalese. Steven noticed Claire tapping her left shoe against the desk. Roger also seemed anxious as Mr. Brenner continued reading.
“I am well aware that my decision regarding my belongings and holdings will not please everyone. Therefore, I would like to state the following: I have known that our family has not been a happy one for a very long time. Mistakes were made and resentment built up over the years. I unfortunately had very little say as it concerned your upbringing, your daily life, and your education. Had I been able to, I may have chosen a different path for all of us as a family. That being said, I believe I did my best to provide for the family and keep you out of harm’s way. It is my assessment that Steven got the worst of it. Sheila never truly acknowledged her son and from where I was sitting, never showed him the love and affection a mother normally shared. Claire on the other hand, at least experienced a fraction of Sheila’s guarded mothering.
Steven’s path, although unorthodox, was authentic and brave. Without any support at home, he thrived and remained true to himself. In an effort to provide ammunition for a future legal battle, I will leave it at that. To make up for what Steven had to endure, I am leaving the house, valued at three million dollars, to Steven. To Steven I also bequeath all my art collection, valued at six million dollars (all vaulted for safe keeping), and stock holdings valued at four million dollars. I leave my life insurance policy valued at $200,000 to Claire. I appreciated the care she gave me over the last few months.”
The room was silent for several seconds.
Claire stood, turned toward Steven, pointed her finger into his stunned face and said,
“I will fight this until I am certain you do not see one cent of dad’s money. He hated you Steven, mother told me so.”
She motioned for Roger to stand and the two of them walked out and slammed the door behind them.
Mr. Brenner looked at Steven and asked if he was okay. Steven just stared straight ahead.
“Your father didn’t know how to be a father Steven, but he told me that he loved you and he was very proud of you. It is his hope that you will find joy in life and ultimately, share some of this money with those who have had to fight like you have fought since the day you were born. As a friend of your father’s, I’ve watched you grow up from the sidelines, I have no doubt you will make good use of his money.”
Steven shook Mr. Brenner´s hand, grabbed his suitcase, and walked out into a future he never could have anticipated. There were children whose lives would improve due to his father’s generosity. He could see all clearly now.
As he waited to board his flight, Steven couldn’t help but think about Claire and Roger and what it must be like in that loveless house at that very moment. He didn’t feel sorry for his sister, in fact, he felt nothing.
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Writing to you from cozy Oslo. July and I’m sleeping under a down comforter.
Majorstuen, Oslo, where I will be for all of July.
There were few things Ryan feared more than going up to bat. The judging stares of the other boys and his mother’s heavy expectations. Ryan figured if he swung the bat, missed the ball, and repeated the same pattern in rapid succession, it would be over quickly and he could return to hiding. He hated being a disappointment; scrawny and perpetually chewing his nails and sucking on bloody cuticles. His bedroom was his only safe space; Lady his only friend.
Ryan had one wish when he blew out the candles on his twelfth birthday, he wished he’d die before his next birthday. He longed to be understood. Lady, his scrawny terrier, got him, but she was the only being who didn’t judge or tease. To be invisible and no longer an embarrassment was all he ever wanted.
Lady tugged at his jeans hoping to pull him away from the darkness as she watched him descend. She feared the worst; spent hours wondering how she might warn Ryan’s mother. She understood a mother’s love, she felt that love for her own not too long ago. She nuzzled him, sidled up to him to distract him from his hopelessness, and tried to lick away his despair. Lady was certain that she could save Ryan from himself.
Saturday came too quickly and Ryan would once again be expected to play baseball. To behave as if this was the thing that would ultimately make Ryan a real boy; a boy that was prepared for manhood. The dread was so overwhelming, getting out of bed was an impossible effort. Taking Lady outside to relieve herself was his only motivation, she knew that and showed him her gratitude. Today was going to be horribly difficult for Ryan. He wished he could share his fears with his mother, but he knew she would tell him to shrug it off, man-up, just aim for the ball.
Lady tried to keep Ryan away from the lake. She headed in the opposite direction hoping he’d follow. She even faked being too tired to go on. Ryan was in some far off place where she couldn’t reach him. When he reached the lake, Lady ran off to warn his mom. When she got to Anne she wined and tugged until Anne finally seemed to get the message. Lady led her to the lake as fast as she could, panting and worrying herself the entire way.
Anne saw Ryan’s floating body as she approached the dock. He lay face down and still, as the shadow of the sun formed a halo around his fragile figure. Lady knew and she howled in despair. Ryan’s mom jumped in and dragged him to the dock. She lifted him up and he hit the dock hard. Anne frantically tried to revive him, but he’d been gone for too long. She called the police and held him while she waited for the medics to come and perform a miracle. She rocked Ryan in her arms and screamed into the silent nothingness.
Anne immediately started to blame herself. Was she too hard on Ryan? Should she have stayed with his father despite her hatred for him? Was Ryan trying to tell her he was hurting? Deep down she knew she could have been a better mother, but she also knew she would never know what Ryan was feeling as he threw himself into the lake on that quiet and torturous Saturday morning in July.
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Hoping to increase awareness of suicide in gay and troubled young people. The statistics are staggering. Thank you for reading, it means a lot. The first of many.
“Bullying of LGBT youth is a contributing factor in many suicides, even if not all of the attacks have been specifically regarding sexuality or gender.[4] Since a series of suicides in the early 2000s, more attention has been focused on the issues and underlying causes in an effort to reduce suicides among LGBT youth. Research by the Family Acceptance Project has demonstrated that “parental acceptance, and even neutrality, with regard to a child’s sexual orientation” can bring down the attempted suicide rate.” Wikipedia
To be honest, I’m surprised this blog has survived as long as it has; over six years of over-sharing. It was fun, therapeutic, a consistent companion, and exactly what I needed at this particular time of my life. When I arrived in Portugal I didn’t know a soul and I needed something to keep my mind off of the distance between me and the people I care about. Things have changed, I’m in better touch with myself and I have a lot going on in my life. It’s easy enough to see that a lot of you are no longer engaged (the site provides stats). What that tells me is that some of you or most of you are tired of me telling you about how bad my life was versus how good it is now. You know I’m exaggerating, but you also know, there is some truth in my words. It’s time for change.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
~ Frank Herbert, Dune
The most poignant philosophy I have ever heard about living life, involved doing what you love. I love writing and I love storytelling — not so much oral storytelling, I get a little flustered when I notice people aren’t listening; my biggest pet peeve. What I have decided to do is write fiction whenever I am moved to do so. I will remain on this platform and keep this blog address. I obviously can’t get frustrated when readers of my stories stop reading, I won’t know any better. The older I get, the more I appreciate being oblivious.
Writers draw from their own personal experience; therefore, there will be bits and pieces of me and my past in my prose. I will always protect the living; however, if you see yourself in my words, that’s on you.
My stories will be short. I will try my best to entertain, provoke, and keep you wanting more. Having a provocateur in the mix will hopefully keep it interesting. Your feedback will help of course. I have found my readers to be fair and honest — sometimes appropriately candid, never mean. Well, there is this one family member, but he’s a loose cannon who hates everyone.
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader – not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
― E. L. Doctorow
Future Travel
Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked an NCL Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. A spring MSC Mediterranean cruise out of Lisbon, mainly to ports I have never been to, will be one of my easier excursions (anyone care to join me on either? Not in my cabin, but there is room on the ship). The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina. Lots of my peeps to see. Everyone knows, I’ll mostly be there for the food.
If you tell me you’re interested in where my travels take me, I can keep that bit in. I’m pumped about this, change is good; I think some of you will enjoy this new format.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. Obrigado.
This will not be one of those “prescription for healthy living” blogs. Instead I’m going to share some thoughts about living with the good and the bad and not get all caught up in the numbers game. It’s always been my MO that rules for living can only end up disappointing you — being human means making mistakes and facing the unexpected. I honestly don’t think I can extend my life by never taking another drink, but I do think that if I drink moderately, I will feel better overall.
“Balance is not something you find, it’s something you create.”
~ Jana Kingsford
What’s in Your Head (The Lies We Tell Ourselves)
I’m going to reveal the biggest lie I tell myself: I will not suffer before I die. I’m convinced that I will be able to control my own death. I’m not obsessed with this notion, I just know it to be true. Of course I am also aware that I could have an accident and suffer or I can live to be 110 and no longer know which way is up.
I do this thing where I set boundaries, sort out the when, the where, and the how and then hope for the best. Nine out of 10 times it all works out as planned; however, that’s not always the case. Sometimes I change my mind about what I want to eat or whether or not I want to play mah-jongg. I’m learning to be more flexible with myself. It seems crazy as I press the keys, but perhaps it makes perfect sense.
The Reality of Everyday Living
I sometimes have the best intentions, but alas . . . A few days ago I had my usual large lunch with every intention to eat a snack at dinnertime. Dinnertime came and for some reason or another, I was famished. I didn’t have anything in the refrigerator or pantry that would satisfy my hunger, so I ordered a pizza. The good news is that I ate half and put the rest in the freezer. You have to forgive yourself for occasionally stepping out of your self-imposed restrictions. I didn’t lose any sleep.
At this point in my life, it’s not about looking good; it’s all about feeling good and the status of my health in the future. I could easily have more wine than I should in the evening, but if I overdo it, the following will happen: I will have to get up to pee more than once, I will have night sweats, I will feel like shit the next day — I don’t think it’s worth all that discomfort, so I color within the lines 95% of the time. When I go rogue, I forgive myself for overindulgence and move on. Most of the time.
Acceptance and Comfort
I accept many things about the person I have become, first, I am impulsive about certain things and as a result, I screw up — buying a car, for example, I never think it through. Second, I will never be thin, and lastly, I love sweets. Knowing these things helps me navigate the day-to-day. If I deny myself a piece of cake, I will spend the entire day thinking about cake and I will end up caving and devouring a large piece of cake by evening. Best to give in to it and have a small piece early in the day. I love the freezer for wrapping up cake and cookies for when my sweet tooth speaks to me.
I’m not crazy about fruit unless it’s very fresh, sweet, and ripe. Fruit in the Algarve is lackluster, save for oranges and small bananas from the Azores . . . and strawberries in season. Melon, peaches, plums, and grapes, bleh. So I only buy what I like or I won’t eat it.
I’ve always felt that good food is one of, if not the greatest gift the earth provides. I will not deny that gift, no way no how, even if it means a bit of gas, a year or two shaved off of my life, and or a few extra pounds. Throw away the scale. You know when you need to do better or when you can indulge a little.
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Future Travel
Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. A spring MSC Mediterranean cruise out of Lisbon, mainly to ports I have never been to, will be one of my easier excursions (anyone care to join me?). The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.
State-of-Mind
The significance of good health as I grow older is an everyday consideration. When I stretch more at the gym, eat a healthier lunch, take my supplements; I feel so much better. When I feel better, I’m more pleasant to be around and so it goes. These days I pay a lot more attention to the signs from my body. We have control over so many daily activities in our lives, ignoring the importance of being present is a prescription for disappointment and discomfort. I’m paying a lot more attention and, therefore, I’m happier.
I recently realized that world politics, especially U.S. politics, was making me crazy. The only way to ease the anxiety was to pay less attention to it. It’s about self-preservation and that’s okay. Shedding toxic individuals from your life will also greatly improve the quality of your life. It’s not easy initially, but give it a few weeks and you’ll wish you’d done it sooner.
Side note: I have noticed that some of my neighbors drive to the gym. When you get there, you need to find a parking space. It’s a seven minute walk and you’re going there to workout . . . come on, people!
“The Truth of the Innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.”
~ Stephen King
Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors; I’m paying attention, but it’s never enough.
Images taken on recent cruise from London to Iceland. Stopping in Scotland and Norway along the way.
What Once Mattered
We can all relate to warped or misplaced priorities. When you’re 20 years old you care more about your outfit or where you’re going on Saturday night, than your bank account. When you are thirty, it’s your fading good looks that keep you up at night (and perhaps cocaine if that was your drug of choice — no judgment), in your forties it might be a mortgage payment that is larger than you can manage, aches and pains in your fifties and so on and so forth.
I look back at the things that concerned me in the past and I wonder why nobody told me that it wouldn’t make an iota of a difference when I reached a certain age. Some of these things include, but are not limited to: brands & labels, Michelin star ratings, my attendance at parties, the cost of a gift I received, and how late I stay up Saturday night.
Why it Shouldn’t Matter
Perhaps it shouldn’t matter, but for reasons I cannot control or change, it does. For example, caring about what other people think. This has been on my goal list for years. In fact, I continue to care. How many likes I get when I post something on Facebook shouldn’t matter; in fact, it doesn’t. But who does or doesn’t like a post, does matter. When I exit a plane matters, I want to be up front so that I transfer quickly or get to passport control earlier than later.
I find myself struggling with how I process conversations: what I say, how I say it, what I don’t say. There is a righteous aspect of my personality that can make life difficult, but can I stop it? Probably not, however, I can modify my reaction; I can tone it down. I can almost see the relief on the faces of those who love me most. In truth, I sleep better after keeping my big mouth shut.
What Does Matter
Here’s where I get to make a list. A list that is actually longer than it should be. Hmmm, should be, there I go shoulding on myself again. What matters:
What you think about my sexuality matters. If you’re disgusted by who I am and what I am, that matters. It took me way too long to be comfortable in my own skin.
The people who have shown me that they care about me and want me in their life.
The things I choose to spend money on and what things cost.
Good people who deserve to be seen.
Paco, my dog.
What I eat, where I eat, and who I eat with.
Where I travel and with whom I travel.
My health and happiness.
Being awake, alive, and present.
What charities I choose and whether or not I choose to make my giving known.
How I spend my time.
Where I choose to live and how I choose to live.
How and when I choose to die with dignity, if and when that choice needs to be made.
My bed and the quality of my sleep.
Lifelong learning and the desire to know more.
My family.
I can proudly state that I am overall pleased with my list. The process of being discerning and thoughtful, has taken decades. That’s okay by me; I know some who never give it a first or second thought.
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Future Travel
Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, Bristol, UK in December and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025 or 2026: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.
State-of-Mind
I lost a close friend this week; a second friend over too short a period of time. Angelina was nearly 100 years old and Angela only in her 70s. Losing a close friend changes you in ways that play out in choices not words. What matters now are love and an appreciation for the many gifts I have been given. That pathetic bible thumper, that jealous cousin, that watch you lost in Budapest, that extra twenty pounds: no matter at all.
“Death is inevitable for all of us. The only thing that really matters in the end is how we choose to live.”
“Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes, author and poet
I try not to have regrets about what could have been, but I’m human and hard on myself; therefore, I allow my thoughts to occasionally wander to the what ifs. The media tends to focus their stories and opinion pieces on women who cannot or do not bear children and of course, I get it. That maternal instinct is strong and undeniably present, however, men also have paternal longings that are based on instinct and desire.
Throughout my teenage years and through to my early thirties, my desire to be a father was stronger than most of my contemporaries. I talked about it, wrote about, and even planned for it. Being gay made it difficult to realize this dream (back then), but in truth, if I really wanted a child I would have done something about it. I think it was more of a fantasy, an alternative universe possibility. In the end, it wasn’t meant to be.
What My Life Might Have Looked Like
Whenever I think about what I might have been like as a father, the following comes to mind: I think I would have worried a lot, a whole lot. I know that all parents would probably tell you that this is just a fact of life. Still, I believe I would have worried more than most. Unfortunately, a big part of who I am. It’s not fair to compare children with pets, but if the way I am with Paco is any indication . . .
Adoption would have been fine, it’s never been an ego or legacy thing for me.
Enjoying the Children in My Life
Due to numerous siblings, I have many nieces and nephews. Although all of my nieces and nephews are now adults, some of them have small children. My great nieces and nephews do not live close by, but I still get to see them on occasion.
I live across the street from a large nursery school. When the kids are outside playing, the sound of their laughter travels up to my apartment. I keep the terrace doors open so that I can hear them — it’s a hopeful and joyous sound. The teenagers in the high school next door should stay inside. I’m sorry, but they should.
Accepting What Is
At a certain point a long time ago, I realized that I would never be a father. I don’t remember being terribly upset about it. Like most revelations in my life, I thought it would be best if I just accepted it and moved on and so I did. I decided to nurture the dad in me and do the kinds of things I might have done with my child. I took a niece to Disney World, another niece to several Broadway shows, several to see films, I accompanied little family members to an outdoor animal preserve, and so on; you get the picture. I have to say, and I know it’s rather selfish, it has always been nice to fully enjoy the interaction and then say, “see you next time,” when it’s over.
I love being Uncle Chris. And I’m not just Uncle Chris to the children of my siblings; the children of friends have also honored me with this title. Once again, it’s quite a relief to know that they are someone else´s children.
Confession: I’m not sure if there are other men who feel the same way as I do about what I am about to share. I don’t know because I dare not ask. For a long time I was jealous that women had the ability to get pregnant, carry, and deliver a child. This is true, I have thought about it way too much. I was fascinated by the biological aspect of a child forming and growing inside of a person’s body. I felt like I’d been cheated. I know, poor me. These thoughts did eventually leave me and I sure am grateful that they did. This is not something I even shared with my therapists. To be clear, I never wanted to be a woman, it was just the baby carrying part I wished I’d had.
Note: I was concerned about publishing these particular thoughts. I decided to run what I have kept hidden by a couple of female friends. I immediately felt complete empathy without even a tiny trace of judgment, so I kept it in the blog. Thoughts?
By the way, I no longer go ga ga over the little ones. In fact, I dislike the sound of babies crying/screaming, I have no desire to hold one, and I certainly would prefer not to have one next to me on an airplane. That being said, I do appreciate their existence.
I was a nursery school teacher and a substitute teacher, at different times in my life. Both were fulfilling . . . at the time.
For me, the unimaginable is the pain a parent feels over the death of a child. I have experienced it up close and personal and it was painful to watch. I prefer not to consider what might have been if I indeed had been a father; my mother lost two children.
“The soul is healed by being with children.” — Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian novelist and philosopher
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Future Travel
An Iceland cruise by way of Northern Europe next week; Oslo, Norway with Paco for all of July (with visits from friends throughout the month), Krakow, Poland in October, and a much anticipated trip to the Puglia region of Italy in April 2025. Booked a Greece/Turkey/Egypt cruise for fall 2025. The United States in the late fall/early winter of 2025: Brooklyn, Florida, Portland, Maine, Baltimore, Maryland, and Charlotte, North Carolina.
State-of-Mind
Mostly gratitude and wild dreams.
A vacation to northern Europe starting in a few days will help get rid of the static.
Papagni Pages 