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  • How’s That Spontaneity Going?

    Spontaneity is a meticulously prepared art. — Oscar Wilde

    I’m plugging this bit in before publishing: After writing and updating this blog, I have come to realize that I will always be a planner; one who is rarely, very rarely, spontaneous. I think I’m okay with that. As a matter of fact, I know that I am okay with that.

    An unplanned and lovely, long weekend in Alvor, Portugal — met up with friends, old and new.

    This is Roger. We meet a couple of years at a boat graveyard in Faro. Roger is a very interesting chap with a history that can entertain for hours. By chance, Roger just happened to be docked in Alvor for the winter. We had two spontaneous get togethers over the course of an unplanned weekend.

    So How Does this On the Fly Thing Work?

    I blogged this statement over a year ago . . .

    Spontaneity is a goal I have been striving to achieve since I could spell the word. Seriously, I could teach the armed forces a thing or two about order and precision. I want to be unpredictable, but that’s not likely to happen anytime soon.

    Why Routine and Checking Boxes Work

    We are creatures of habit and we find great comfort in routine. For me, it’s waking up, playing ‘torture Paco’ in bed, and quiet time with my morning coffee out on the terrace (weather permitting). It delights me so; it gets me out of bed in the morning excited to start the day. I add the gym and a trip to the market to the mix and I am thrilled to be alive, but that’s not good enough.

    My “To Do” list also offers great comfort. Chores and projects I am eager to check off as completed. It provides a sense of accomplishment and a satisfying feeling. I don’t like how good it makes me feel because like any addiction, it’s hard to stay away from the things that make you feel good.

    Don’t try this at home: I actually fill my hourly calendar with small chores (i.e., feed Paco, tighten eyeglasses) so that it makes me feel like I have a lot going on. Throughout the day I delete these items and each time I remove something from my date book, I get a little adrenalin rush — sick right? And I’m only sharing part of it.

    The Benefits of Spontaneity

    I have been telling myself that being more spontaneous and less scheduled, is good for me. When I have been able to break out of my daily routine and do something just because I felt like it or because someone called and said let’s do xy or z, it was more often than not, very satisfying.

    There have been several unforgettable moments in my life that I can happily recall; the irony is, many of these moments were unplanned. If this is the case, why do people like me spend so much time mapping out every minute of their lives. The satisfaction I get from checking boxes on my to do list doesn’t come close to the positive feelings I have taken away from an unplanned outing. The only explanation I have is that the routine is daily and the unplanned is rare. The mind is so powerful, it forces your “go to” behavior right back to the safe, the familiar, the known. Like any other thing in life you are committed to, you have to work hard to change it.

    What I force myself to consider:

    • The feeling I have when a surprise is exciting and new.
    • What occurs in my life when something unexpected changes my day. The snowball effect of positivity.
    • How changing things up takes your mind away from the small/minor things that bog you down.
    • How short life truly is and how the mondaine can eat up your time.
    • My desire for adventure and change.
    • How much I believe other people enjoy my spontaneity.

    Coloring outside of the lines can be risky because you never know what the outcome might be. This makes whatever it is you are doing that much more exciting. The unknown can be titillating and growth fostering.

    A short story: A few years ago I was riding the subway; the same train I squeezed myself into daily. After another horrendous day at work, I got home and thought something has got to give. I called a friend who had joined me on a couple of adventures and asked her if she might like to meet me in Belize. Without hesitation, she said yes. There was a Madonna song that I heard in my head a thousand times; the lyrics went like, “. . . last night I dreamt of San Pedro,” and that’s where I had to go. San Pedro is a small island. You can get to it by ferry from Belize City — it’s a very pleasant two hours on your way to paradise.

    This trip was without a doubt one of the most memorable getaways of my life. I only had a short time to plan and hardly any of the details were mapped out (eg., excursions, meals). I decided to allow my days in Belize to be organic; to wake up naturally, to eat when I was hungry, and to do basically nothing unless I was moved to do otherwise. For the most part Kathy, who is much more relaxed than I am, and I, stuck to our plan. The resort was fairly quiet and clearly, this is an island you go to to chillout. This was a time in my life when chilling was medicinal and restorative. Keeping my mind and days uncluttered allowed me to think freely. I was able to take long walks with Kathy and spend quite a bit of alone time on an unspoiled, virtually empty beach. I returned home enlightened and resolute. It was during this time that I made the decision to resign from my position at The International Culinary Center and leave New York City. Possibly two of the best decisions of my life.

    This is one of the many reasons I am convinced that spontaneity provides a space for out-of-the-box thinking. I believe we schedule ourselves to the max in order to avoid organic thinking; our fear of the possibilities life might present bog us down and keep us from truly being free.

    Ways to Get Yourself to Loosen Up

    Here are some of the the things you can do to be more spontaneous:

    • I know this will seem crazy, but you can pencil it in. Don’t write what you will do, but when you might do it. Say you open your date book or laptop calendar on on Thursday morning you’ve written “do something you’ve never done before.” It will force you to think of something on the spot and then follow through and do it.
    • Tell your friends you are trying to be more spontaneous and have them call you when they are about to do something fun or different. Although this never happens to me because my friends know that if it’s not planned in advance, it’s probably not happening.
    • Allow yourself days where absolutely nothing is planned.
    • Talk to yourself about the pleasures of discovering the unknown.
    • Wake up, pack a bag, and take a trip to a place you’ve never be.
    • Throw away the leftovers and go to a new restaurant (call someone and ask them to join you and then treat them).
    • If you have a guest room, do something as simple as sleeping in a different room in your own house.

    Imagine a Life Where You Do What You Want, When You Want

    Use your imagination to consider a world where you are free of the bondage you have inflicted upon yourself. We lie to ourselves to keep from doing something crazy. We tell ourselves we’ll get into trouble, that we have no money or that we’ll lose all of our money, that freedom will make us seem undisciplined, hard work is the only way to achieve happiness, that minor indulgence leads to frivolity and a loss of control, and so on and so forth.

    I will, no doubt, continue to plan most of my life going forward. It’s not even about teaching an old dog new tricks, it’s about comfort — the older you get, the more you seek comfort, stability, and routine. Still, I figure if I keep reminding myself about Belize, I may occasionally surprise myself by choosing to hit the road less travelled.

    Last bit before publishing: I decided today to do something that I’ve not done since moving to Portugal. I’m going to Tavira to play Mexican Train (a fun domino-like game). I’m taking the train to meet the group this morning. This is as spontaneous as I get; it should be fun.

    Travel Update

    It looks like Cuba is actually happening. This is literally my fifth attempt. I have plane and train tickets, hotels reservations (three different hotels: Lisbon, Varadero, and Havana), Airbnb experiences booked, and it’s less than two weeks away, but I have already started packing — this is not a spontaneous trip.

    Liverpool in March and then back to Toulouse in April. I’m thinking of perhaps a couple of spontaneous three day trips here in Portugal in between.

    Lots planned for the spring and summer, but I have learned that with our unpredictable virus, it’s best not to get too excited, too soon.

    Do you think this is true?

  • Living With Lies

    How It Informs Your Life

    (repost with revisions)

    “There are only two things. Truth and lies. Truth is indivisible, hence it cannot recognize itself; anyone who wants to recognize it has to be a lie.” Franz Kafka

    My mother’s lies taught me two things:  First, and most harmful, it was acceptable to lie, and second, secrets are impossible to keep and dangerous.

    I had a beautiful half-sister who died a horrible premature death several years ago; she was in her mid-forties. Shortly before she passed, Grace found our brother Anthony, dead, with a needle in his arm; it was her birthday. She was already mentally and physically far gone by then and I’m certain, finding Anthony lifeless in her own home, must have sealed her fate.

    My sister Grace or Gasha (the way we spelled it), as she was known to close family, was a troubled child. She wore thick glasses and was labeled “four eyes” by her siblings and peers. We also called her monkey because of her button nose; kids can be mean and we, her brothers and sisters, were the cruelest of all. I am not claiming innocence; in fact, I may have been the worst culprit. Perhaps it was the secret I held onto that drove me to cruelty.

    My parents argued a lot; in fact, they argued night and day. My father would come home from work at midnight and my mother would dig in her hateful claws. Having been exposed to this behavior early on, I worked hard to tune them out and fantasize about a quieter world that I knew existed elsewhere. In fact, this is the reason I choose to spend a lot of time alone today. My memory of their relentless rage goes back to pre-school and a time when I was too young to understand the complicated world of adult behavior. One particular memory is vivid because it involved a lie I did not understand at the time; I may have been five or six years old.

    Many angry words were exchanged during one very loud shouting match and most of those words were as difficult to comprehend as a foreign language. For some reason I held onto something my father said, “Gasha is not my child.” At the time I thought it was odd for my father to say such a thing and so, I dismissed those words from my thoughts. Every so often I found myself daydreaming and reflecting on what he said. As I grew older and more inquisitive, I continued to wonder why my father said this to my mother. I looked at my sister differently because of what my father said. I naturally wondered who her father might be, if it were not my father. I was not aware of an affair my mother had with her first husband while she was married to my father.

    When I turned nine, there was a lot going on around me; my only living grandparent passed, my mother was divorcing my father and marrying my stepfather, and I was repressing my sexuality (I remember having some strong feelings toward one of my mother’s male friends). My mom and I would occasionally spend quality alone time together — rare because she had seven children. On one of these occasions, I decided I would ask her about Gasha. My mother had a way of drawing me in as a close confidant and then shoving me away. I can’t blame alcohol because she wasn’t a drunk, but her father was an alcoholic and physically abusive; perhaps it was his influence. As a child I longed for the kind of closeness where you felt honest love and affection — not likely to get it from my mother, but I never stopped trying. Psychologists would say that I will continue to search for this love until I die; I’m fairly certain that is true.

    We were sitting on her bed watching an old black and white film and she was running her fingers through my hair. I may have been as happy with my mom at that moment as I would ever be. I thought it was a good time to address my curiosity.

    Ma, who is Gasha’s father?

    My mother pushed me to the edge of the bed and said, “Where do you get these ideas?”

    I told her that I had overheard an argument she had with my father a few years earlier; she told me that I was imagining things.

    “Who would Gasha’s father be if it wasn’t your father? Honestly Chris, I worry about you.”

    I wanted to believe my mother, so I let it go . . . until a few years later when this happened:

    I was having dinner with my father at the restaurant where he worked; a once a week ritual. Our meals were very special to me. We spoke openly and earnestly. I’m pretty sure I was in my teens at this point. I had accidentally seen my parents marriage license and came to learn that my mother and father didn’t marry until I was three years old. I’m not sure why, but it didn’t bother me. My dad told me that they couldn’t marry because my mother’s first husband was in prison and there was a law about divorce and incarceration back then. He said that they married as soon as they legally could. I shrugged and decided this would be a good time to ask about Gasha. I sort of tricked my dad and acted like I knew for certain that Gasha was not his biological daughter.

    When I asked him who Gasha’s father was he said, “Joe is her father, but I adopted her and so she’s legally my daughter. How did you know about this? Did your mother tell you?”

    I shared that I had overheard an argument between the two of them when I was a kid and he grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks; something he did to show affection. He hardly ever said anything negative about my mother; I wish I could say the reverse were true.

    When I asked him how she ended up with Joe while married to him, he said, “Your mother has always been a bit wild.”

    Truer words had never been spoken. Now that I knew my suspicions about Gasha were true, I had to consider what this meant for my relationship with her, how I felt about my mother lying to me, and whether or not I should share the truth with Gasha and our siblings. I knew early on that it would not be fair to share the truth with her. It was my mother’s place to tell her. I was tormented by the lie. I did not approve of my mother’s infidelity and I could not understand why she denied the truth all those years ago. In my mind, I could never truly trust my mother again — in truth, I doubted her always. I’m also certain that I felt betrayed by my mother and it has had an affect on every loving relationship in my life.

    My mother did eventually tell Gasha who her biological father was. I’m not sure when or where it happened. My brothers and sisters found out at some point as well. It seemed to me at the time that no one cared about the indiscretion or the lie. I questioned my own reaction to it:  had I made too much of it? Did it really matter? As an older adult, I am still questioning the lies I faced as a child and young adult — there were many others.

    I recall often looking at Gasha and wondering who she resembled. When she would behave a certain way that was odd to me, I would explain it by considering who her father was or was not. Gasha had a severe eating disorder and made several bad choices in her life. She was angry, she isolated herself from those who cared about her, she refused to acknowledge her disorder, and she trusted no one. I cannot help but wonder if the knowledge that she was conceived during a torrid affair, had had a huge impact on her life and her ability to cope. Knowing her biological father was willing to allow my father to adopt her, must have tormented Gasha throughout her life; her self-worth was shattered.

    My mother had a very complicated relationship with her and Gasha was resentful of the way she saw my mother treating the rest of us; she seemed to always feel slighted. I was aware of both the way she was treated and the way Gasha perceived it. I had conflicting feelings about my sister. There was a part of me that believed she didn’t belong and I’m not proud of those feelings. At the same time, I felt sorry for her.

    Gasha’s downward spiral was difficult for me to watch. She married trailer park trash and she had a child with him. Her husband shot himself in the head early on in their marriage. I remember visiting her in Knoxville, Tennessee and thinking that there was hope that she’d come out on top of all the drama in her life. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Bulimia took hold of my sister in her early 20s and never let go. All four of my mother’s daughters suffered from some sort of eating disorder as a result of my mother’s obsession with weight. Gasha lived in complete denial — the disease and the consequences of starving one’s body of nutrients eventually ended her life. Her two children suffered the most; watching her abuse herself on a daily basis, had to be impossible to observe. Out of respect for my niece and nephew, I will refrain from commenting on their current lives.

    The question is, was it the lie that destroyed Gasha’s life or was it her personality and the circumstances of her illness? I guess we’ll never know for sure. What we do know is that shielding her from the truth all of those years was not productive or right. If her biological father had stepped up and assumed his role as her father, might she have been stronger and felt more loved? I have to believe she would have embraced her father and adjusted to her circumstances. After all her two oldest sisters had the same biological father. But after being adopted by my father, Gasha, was instead forced into a situation she did not ask to be in and was prevented from being with a father she might have grown close with. I’m not a psychologist, however, I am fairly certain that Gasha was thrust into a situation that would have caused anyone pain and anxiety. It was a lot for a young person to take on, and in truth, she had to endure the ramifications of this terrible lie, on her own. It’s a small miracle she was even with us into her forties.

    When faced with the reality of a difficult truth or keeping a secret, always go with the truth. As hard as it is to share that secret and cope with its consequences, that reality is far better than living a lie — that’s my truth.

    “When you check your own mind properly, you stop blaming others for your problems.”

    Thubten Yeshe

    I have grown to love Alvor, Portugal and have returned to the same hotel room several times. Peaceful sounds of nature never disappoint.

    Travel

    So far Cuba next month is a go. There will be testing on both ends. I know there will be additional hassles, but this is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I couldn’t travel to Cuba when I lived in the States, so now is a good time to make the trip. I promise a blog or two when I return.

    There are scheduled trips to France, Italy, the UK, Northern Ireland, Germany, the U.S., Singapore, Thailand, Vietnam, and Hong Kong, in 2022 and early 2023. COVID-19 has put the kibosh on many planned trips over the last two years; I can only hope I’ll get to go.

  • Crazy Shit I Sincerely Believe

    No Judging okay?

    Let the Work Begin in Earnest

    Two things I intend to work on this year — I will from time-to-time report on my progress: First, walk away from toxic relationships and second, practice gratitude daily. The latter makes a tremendous difference in the quality and substance of my day, but I fail to practice this exercise often enough. I need to make it a permanent part of my day; like exercising. Why would put up with toxic individuals is beyond, but I am certainly guilty of it. Time to make a strong commitment to change.

    I am grateful to all of the people in my life who lift me up, make me smile, and accept me as I am. I’m also grateful that I have the wherewithal to assess my mistakes and either make amends or move on.

    Beliefs

    I have strong convictions; always have. These are not opinions. They are the things I believe in my gut and I don’t think anyone or anything could persuade me otherwise.

    Not In Order of Strongest Beliefs to least strongest beliefs (they are all strong beliefs):

    1. All human beings are born good. I have always truly believed this. When we are taught bad values or bad behavior is modeled early on, we can sometimes make them our own. I think evil babies only exist in film. That might not be true, I have a nephew who had a death stare when he was a toddler — there are always exceptions. Nature versus nurture; it’s a fascinating debate.
    2. Owning certain material things can mess you up. You purchase a fancy car (for example); people in your life and strangers fawn over your new car. This happens every time you take your car out of the garage. You unconsciously begin to believe that your car is an extension of you. After awhile, you begin to believe that you are as attractive as your car or that people are fawning over you. It’s not an attractive quality. Humility seems to be a lost characteristic for many. Two questions to ponder: 1) why are you buying the fancy car, and 2) how many of the “things” that you buy are enhancing your life and not for the purpose of proving your worth to others. Sometimes we purchase an expensive item and feel good for about five minutes. Is it worth going into debt for five minutes of gratification. When I was in my 20s and 30s I resisted spending money on many shiny new things. I did this whole number in my head about enjoying the moment, and what if I have a massive heart attack at 40 and die. I didn’t die and I was about to retire at 57 — a time in my life when I have a better sense of what I want, where I want to be, and how I want to live. Self-control is difficult, but it can be incredibly rewarding. And honestly, if I had died, I probably wouldn’t have had a thought about the $30,000 sound system I didn’t purchase. I realize I may be sounding a bit preachy; my apologies.
    3. Most politicians start out as people who care about their constituents. I didn’t say I wasn’t naive. I’ve met many grassroots politicians; they start out with great intentions and a few even serve their entire tenure with the well-being of others in mind. I partly blame the average passive Joe for mass corruption. Too many of us, myself included, do not take action. Should an elected official make a six figure salary, get 12 weeks vacation, get healthcare for life, and have the ability to quadruple their wealth because they know things we’ll never know? We allow it; therefore, we are to blame. We forget that we the people, due to our numbers and our constitution, hold the power.
    4. The desire to fall in love fades as you grow older. If you’ve been hurt a few times due to failed relationships, you tend to become cautious. Not all do of course, but this guy does. Then there is the effort factor. I am a firm believer that one has to work hard for something to be good or to improve, but . . . too much effort, where there is an imbalance, is not good either. I’m at a point in my life where I really enjoy being single. I may have talked myself into this mentality, but I don’t believe that’s the case. Relationships are totally worth the energy you put into them; however, they’re also complicated and sometimes messy. I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I do not owe anyone an explanation for choosing to be single.
    5. Most things can be tolerated in moderation. Tell me that I cannot do something and I will want to do it even more. Simple example of this is food. If a doctor told me that I couldn’t have chocolate because it has a property that might slowly kill me, I would desire chocolate all day, everyday. I know that wine has some positive beneficial qualities for good health. If you enjoy drinking it, then it’s good for your state of mind and well-being. I also know that wine has a lot of sugar and that’s not good for your health. I recently started pouring a half a glass and I’ve noticed that I am drinking less. Now, I slowly savor the taste and pleasure of drinking wine; gulping it is unnecessary and unhealthy. I feel like I can have my cake and eat it too — literally. I know I bargain with myself, but because I do not have an alcohol addiction, I feel that I keep it in my life in a healthy way. If I felt to compelled to drink as soon as I got up in the morning or drank until I passed out, that would make for a different scenario. I think it’s important to continually assess his particular relationship. I believe it applies to medication, food, gambling and anything else that is considered addictive. Self-control may factor in depending on your particular situation. I have very little self-control when something is put right in front of me. For example, I usually do not eat chocolate at night because it has caffeine and I am super sensitive to caffeine. If I’m at a dinner party and a homemade chocolate cake is put on the table, I cannot resist. I will usually limit my intake to a few bites. As I said earlier, don’t judge.
    6. Jealous people are dangerous. I’m going to leave it at that.
    7. Ignoring a thing will not make it go away. I’ve been trying to prove myself wrong on this for years. Whatever it is that I’m attempting to deny, will pop-up at the most inopportune time in the least desirable place (i.e., conversations, during sex, during sleep, while watching a good film). Much better to confront it head on and deal with it. Sometimes, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets or the more complicated it becomes.
    8. You can satisfy a desire by allowing yourself a small amount of whatever it is you are seeking (does apply to everything). Eat slowly and allow yourself to fully enjoy food without guilt — it works! Here’s another one: you’d like to go to the Caribbean for a week, but money is tight. Book a four night trip instead of the full week; it will probably satisfy your vacation desires. I’m certain I am over simplifying this one.
    9. When people try to attach themselves to you too quickly, they probably have an unhealthy agenda or motive. Completely based on life experience. Cautious in nature as I am, if I find someone is clinging to me or contacting me way too often, I usually back-off a bit or sever ties completely. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts.
    10. When someone tries to push an investment opportunity too hard, it’s probably best to walk away from it. It’s not easy to persuade me to do anything and investing money is at the top of the list. After I say, no, I track the business or stock and in almost every case my instinct was correct. I did make one investment reluctantly and the business was sold a few years later. I did not suffer a loss, but the gains were minimal and in the end, not worth the worry. I did, however, get to be a part of a venture I believed in — I guess that counts for something.
    Someone else

    Travel

    Alvor, Portugal again this week. I like everything about this small coastal town off-season. I’m not too happy about having to show a negative test; however, it will be free and I guess necessary.

    Cuba, Toronto and Baltimore in February. I guess we’ll having see what happens with the Omicron variant.

    Many trips are planned in 2022; one or two a month in fact, but I’m not counting on anything these days. Not being cynical, more practical perhaps.

    Happy New Year 2022

  • Letter to My 80 Year Old Self

    Hoping you’ll be around to read it.

    Dear Chris,

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately; 2040 is not so far away and no doubt, the world will have changed; just wondering how much. The big questions seem silly to ask, but curiosity has gotten the better of me. What’s the weather like? How many mutations of Coronavirus have been discovered? Is Ivanka Trump president? Who in your orbit is still around?

    There are of course things I’m certain remain true. Those certainties that have stood the test of time: the fear of God, every man or woman for his or her self, stupidity, denial, illness, religion, love and Cher. Self-destruction of humankind seems inevitable; however, I can’t help wondering if that’s how you’ll go.

    The planet has always gone through stages of birth, death, and re-birth; that is a constant. The big question on my mind is what lessons have been learned? Knowing that society’s changes are often temporary and uneven, I cannot help wondering how the billions of earth’s inhabitants are experiencing their current reality. How many billions are there by the way? As usual, I digress.

    Allow me to explain my reason for writing. As a pragmatic cynic, I never had much faith in my fellow human. I watched too many of my neighbors place plastic in the organic bin. It wasn’t that I wondered if they cared, it was more that I knew they didn’t. Unfortunately, that’s what age does to you — you’ve seen too much to hold onto blind hope. Yes, there are rare exceptions to the rule. There are moments when you think that people have changed. But, as we know, history repeats itself and humankind makes more missteps than progress. Isn’t that what being human is?

    You were always one to defend ignorance, therefore, I’m certain you’re spending more time defending and less time explaining. But are you mostly happy? Or maybe you been around long enough now to realize that happiness is relative.

    Knowing that you are a dreamer, there are some other things I have been wondering about. For instance do you continue to care what others think? I suspect you do. That was an elusive lesson no matter how much you tried to detach; proving that imprinting early on is almost impossible to alter. I’m hopeful that the effects of gossip and idle chatter have softened you over time. As your taste buds only got stronger as you got older, I’m hopeful that this consistent pleasure, remains intact. I can’t help imagining that the walks have gotten longer and your bedtime earlier. The quiet of the morning hours becoming more of a comfort, as the messages from loved ones are more than likely, less frequent. I’m certain you expect less and long for even less.

    What I hope for more than anything else, is that you have found peace. The ability to laugh at absurdity; comfort in your tears. Also, that loss has somehow passed you by or that time has only taken those you were prepared to let go. I know that you often think fondly of Ashley, Giorgio, and Paco. The dogs who taught you more about life and love than most of the humans you encountered.

    If there is anything I can help you with as the get closer to death, let it be this: time is your most precious possession. Cherish time, forget regret, love yourself first, dance when you feel like dancing, sing anywhere you like, love without fear, embrace your authentic self, if the play sucks, walk out, do not give away time to those who do not deserve it and spend time with those who do. And for once in your life, do not allow guilt to enter your heart and/or mind.

    With hope, love and arrogance,

    Your younger self

  • People Certainly Are Attached to Their Opinions

    I want to be a good listener, truly I do. I also want to believe that everyone has a right to an opinion and that one’s opinion is valid. These days everything gets blamed on social media, disinformation, and fake news. However, I suspect that human beings had opinions way before the advent of social media.

    Are you tired of a particular person expressing their opinion? Some people seem to believe that they have the god given right to share their opinion with everyone. Does it seem like some individuals believe that they are an expert on every subject, therefore, their opinion is gospel?

    It seems that the world is so divided that the opinion of others is not truly valid unless it is an opinion that you (the collective you) share. Trying to convince another person that their opinion might be less than 100% correct, is nearly impossible in most cases.

    I have been trying to figure out a way to mitigate the universe of opinions I appear to reside in. Do I just listen and stay quiet? Do I interrupt and politely let the individual know that I am not interested? Do I listen and then try to engage in a debate? Do I assume that the person I am listening to is open minded or are they more likely locked-in to a certain mindset? I know you might be wondering if it matters. I’m here to tell you it matters.

    The Know it All

    This personality type is hard to take. Doesn’t matter what topic comes up at the table, this person knows better. I’ve learned that staying quiet is the only way to shut this individual down. If you speak up and attempt to argue, you are only fueling the fire. Sometimes this person comes with their entourage, their tribe, the people who agree with everything they say and suck-up to them. If you encounter this unfortunate situation, the thing to do is either leave the party or walk into another room. If you’re reading this thinking: “I wonder if Chris is talking about me?” I am.

    One of the many maddening things this person does is interrupt you as soon as you open your mouth to speak. If you dare try to continue and speak your truth, they raise their voice and succeed in drowning you out. This type will never change and therefore, it’s best to let them go or pay them no mind. Any of this ring true for you?

    The Individual Who Agrees With the Opinion of the Moment

    I once had an acquaintance who found great satisfaction is touting whatever the leader at the moment was selling. Didn’t matter what oral diarrhea was spewing forth, those were the very words this person shouted for all to hear. I wanted to say, do you have your own opinion? But I dared not, knowing they would only get defensive and tell me that I needed to respect this leader because they were “fill in the blank.” I have been banned from a party because I presented an opposing argument. Well, that’s a party I’d prefer not to attend.

    The Person(s) Who Follows the Opinion of Just One Other Person

    There is an individual in my world who is the “unofficial” head of the family or tribe. He or she is funny, charismatic, attractive, and ultimately the keeper of the keys. Just about everyone in his or her orbit waits to hear their opinion and then they follow whatever it is. Don’t you dare try to challenge this person or have your own opinion, because if you do, you will be labeled “the black sheep, the crazy liberal, the person who only believes these silly notions because he’s gay or black or brown or gullable.”

    What troubles me most about this particular individual, is that their beliefs and ideals are ultimately racist, sexist, elitist, and/or homophobic, but they are smart enough never to say the words black or women or gay; instead they use the words God, immigration, and values, to cloak their truth and instead spew hate and fear.

    I know, it’s a dark opinion, but here, in my blog, is where I get to speak my truth.

    People Who Are Afraid to State Their Opinion

    These are the people I pity the most. I know they have an opinion, but for whatever reason, they are afraid to speak up. There are actually people among us that believe if they oppose the leaders of our country, they will be jailed or audited by the IRS. I cannot imagine having to live with this kind of fear. Freedom of speech is one of the many privileges of being a U.S. citizen.

    The Individual Who Will Always Oppose Your Opinion, No Matter What That Opinion Is

    I enjoy a good debate with an intelligent and informed individual. It’s stimulating, provocative and ultimately, may persuade me to change my way of thinking; nothing wrong with that. But among us are people who get off on arguing with others, whether they believe what they are putting out there or not. It’s impossible to reason with them; their goal being to make you look bad and admit you are wrong. I have no patience for this character; if this is you, please target someone else. I implore you to look elsewhere for a victim.

    The Person With No Opinion

    This is the person who will always say, “I don’t know what to think,” or I don’t have enough information to respond.” Really? Do a little research: what do the scientists say, historians, experts who have studied the subject matter for many years, study the facts, for example.

    I know, I know, it means one has to put forth a bit of effort. This is what I find troubling about the freedom to vote; so many of us who vote, have not done any fact finding — it’s about what the average Joe on the street says instead. This is how conspiracy theories are perpetuated. The saddest thing is when an intelligent person who once had a mind of their own, succumbs; it’s an awful thing to watch.

    You

    That leaves you. Wondering what to say and how to say it? Deciding what to believe? Daring to speak up when your brain is telling you to remain silent. Living with the pain of alienation or betrayal. Just remember, you answer to yourself. It is your head that hits the pillow when you attempt to fall asleep. And it is you who will ultimately take inventory of your words and deeds. You decide how your opinion is formed and how you choose to be heard. You, after all, inspire me.

    An example showing how opinions are expressed and can be dangerous

    “I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”

    Anonymous

    “The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.”

    Leonardo da Vinci

    By the way, this entire piece is just my opinion of course.

    Travel

    Back to Alvor, Portugal in a few weeks (one hour and 20 minutes by train). I’m enjoying being by the rocky sea, off-season. Truly wonderful restaurants, peaceful, gorgeous, close to home, and affordable.

    Happy Holidays Sign On The Beach Sand Stock Photo, Picture And Royalty Free Image. Image 29672851.

  • Why Make It About You?

    The Power of the Mind and How to Mitigate Your Thoughts

    My ego punching my gut

    Have you ever wondered whether or not those voices in your head are worth listening to? If my voices had it their way, I’d be reduced to solitary confinement without supper. I keep telling myself it’s not about you because that’s what all of the wise asses tell me. “It’s not you, it’s them.” But is it them?

    We get to inhabit this amazing planet ever so briefly. Yet still, we spend way too much time ganging up on ourselves. A part of you knows this. You know time is precious and that you are enough. Still, self-doubt and blame seem to be an easy go-to. I’m fucking tired of it. Two steps forward, three steps back . . . it’s exhausting.

    “Fear and self-doubt are the greatest killers of personal genius.”

    — Ziad K. Abdelnou

    How many times have you been with a small little person (not child, a creep) and walked away thinking something was wrong with you? There is only one explanation for this kind of self-flagellation: a very damaged sense-of-self. I’ve learned through talking with friends and strangers, that many of us suffer from this serious affliction. Professionals believe that it is prudent to explore the origin of self-doubt, for you. For me it goes back to a mother who did not believe one should congratulate oneself. If I even came close to anything that resembled self-praise, I was shut down, scolded, and put in my place.

    A few weeks ago I was sitting with acquaintances; I shared that I had a Ph.D. and that my dissertation was about homophobia. I don’t remember why I mentioned it except that we were talking about being gay. I beat myself up for two days after mentioning my degree. Sound ridiculous? Yes it was. Welcome to my world.

    I often wonder if knowing how my open wounds were created, helps in the healing process. The answer for me is that I’m certain it does help; however, clearly it’s not a cure. There is a great deal of work that has to be done beyond discovery. Confronting demons is one of the more difficult things we have to do in order to move on. Why did you do this to me? Do you have regrets? Would you do it differently if you could do it all over again? What does a do over look like? Tell me what I mean to you and how far you’re willing to go to protect what we have?

    How Your Friends Can Help

    I have a couple of friends that I know can be brutally honest and that’s a good thing. I will occasionally ask this kind of question: That conversation we just had, do you think I was being sincere? Did any of it sound like bullshit? If you’re open to their honest perception of what went down, you can make some serious positive changes in your life.

    You have to pick and choose who you do this with and how often you do it; it’s asking a lot. I have one friend who usually nails it — I don’t always like what she has to say, but I know it’s insightful and useful. When you know someone loves you a great deal, you can trust that their words are coming from a good place.

    When people only tell you what they think you want to hear, it does you no good. It tends to validate mistakes or bad behavior. I’m refraining from providing examples; then I’d have to relive some difficult situations.

    Journaling

    I’ve been journaling for over forty years and I find it therapeutic and useful for two reasons: first, it tends to help remove it from your mind. When thoughts swirl around in your head, they tend to need a release valve of some sort. Journaling helps you clarify and purge. Secondly, and not as straightforward, if you’re willing to go back later and read your thoughts, it helps you to see that you may or may not have made progress. It can be a good gauge of success, failure, and change. Just don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t accomplish your goal or meet your own unrealistic expectations (i.e., last year I told myself that enough was enough and that I needed to speak Portuguese. I set a personal goal to speak conversational Portuguese by January 2022 — not realistic at all. I had to revise that goal several times and that’s okay.)

    I will usually sit down with my journal sometime in late December to review the year. If I have sketched out some goals in January, it’s always good to see how far I have come. I have also realized that some goals are better not pursued. Travel helps me to see things in new and different ways. It gets me out-of-my-head; new surroundings help with out-of-the-box thinking and creativity.

    Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

    There are several ways that I choose to challenge myself. Some are more difficult than others:

    • Set a goal and work toward surpassing my marker. For example, organizing my home. I’ll plan to tackle a room at a time and finish in a week. Once I get started, I will challenge myself to get it done in five days with a reward (dinner in a nice restaurant) if I succeed.
    • If I find myself with a thoughts(s) that I believe are damaging my sense-of-self, I will work toward either walking away from the source of these thoughts, or changing the situation so that the outcome will be positive. I am currently in a situation where a couple of people I spend time with, derive pleasure from belittling others. They’re subtle and subversive in their actions. I’m having to decide whether to stay and ignore their toxicity or walk away from it. Accepting that there are people and things I cannot change, has always been challenging. It also good to remind yourself of your own flaws and shortcomings.
    • Therapy entails a lot of work; however, the payoff can be enormous. I have been in therapy on and off since my early twenties. It’s difficult to quantify the benefits, but my gut tells me that I am a better person for having done the work. It’s is certainly not a one and done experience. I believe for most, some kind of therapy, is a lifetime commitment. The pursuit of sanity?
    • Exercise helps me sort out toxic thoughts and put things in perspective. You’re are accomplishing multiple goals when you physically challenge yourself. Let it become a good habit. I miss a workout and I feel it deeply. There are instances when I’m not near a gym or time does not allow a workout; a good long walk can be a positive replacement or substitute.
    • Meditation. I will always recommend meditation. Give yourself a few minutes a day to to free up your mind and make room for possibilities. There are so many ways to meditate and most of them provide benefits.
    • Travel for me is probably my #1 mind opener. It allows you to experience the world in different ways and see things in a different light. It’s a good way to step out of your comfort zone. It’s also a terrific way to meet interesting people and make friends all over the world. I know/knew a couple who travelled into their 90s (one of them has passed). Their stories were enlightening and their dreams were contagious. They are my model for experiencing the wonders of our planet.
    Quiet Self Doubt with these Quotes – diaryofarunninglady

    Travel

    I have plans and tickets for France in a few weeks, but if I’m going to be realistic, I just don’t see it happening [I just postponed this trip until August]. Testing and restrictions make it difficult to enjoy touring. Cuba has been postponed twice already and my February plans also seem doomed for cancellation. It is a Cuba, Toronto, Baltimore itinerary; I’ll be surprised if I can pull it off. I know this isn’t fair to say because so many have been negatively impacted by COVID-19, but I am fucking tired of it. People need to be vaccinated and follow protocols.

    One thing is for certain, COVID-19 has helped me to be more flexible and understanding. I have never had to navigate so much uncertainty and change — I’m getting better about going with it. Truthfully, sometimes admitting that it’s getting to me, doesn’t seem to placate my anger. What I want, what I need, is for this virus to become normalized; like the common cold or flu perhaps. Forever the dreamer.

  • Moody? Me?

    Raise your hand if you’re subject to mood swings.

    There are two big problems with retirement: 1) Way too much time to think, and 2) Nobody wants to listen to your problems.

    So many of today’s issues have to do with the emotional rollercoaster that seems to be a ride that just doesn’t end. Whether it’s COVID-19, politics and the divide it causes, information overload, appropriate behavior versus spontaneity, a lack of sleep, family issues, the weather; to name a few.

    Learning how to cope with the ups and downs of our emotions is key to finding joy in the mundane and appreciating the sublime.

    How I Keep Mood Swings in Check

    • The most important way for me to remain positive and upbeat, is to sleep. If I do not get at least seven hours, I’m a mess. It means going to bed before 10:00 p.m. and keeping my bed time consistent. For me, the worst culprit for sleep interruption is a thought loop. The same concern or scenario playing over and over, keeping me wide awake at 2:00 a.m. Getting out of bed and doing something, even if it’s a trip to the kitchen for a glass of water, is the only thing that will stop it.
    • Meditation is a big help to curtail moodiness. Even for as little as ten minutes — just sitting quietly or taking a walk in the park can be restorative.
    • Consider what is troubling you and face it head on. I was moody and sluggish last week; woke up stressed, struggled with a trip to the gym (fortunately due to guilt, the gym usually wins), and pissy with Paco (my dog). I was experiencing this without considering the cause. When I sat down and thought about it, I realized it was upcoming travel and my ambivalence about it due to new COVID-19 restrictions. I decided the trip was not worth the worry — imagine paying big bucks to sit in your hotel room and ordering Uber Eats because restaurants can only do takeout. I figured out that I could reschedule most of my plans in Germany and the Netherlands, without losing all of the money I had already laid out. After spending about an hour shuffling around air reservations and hotels/Airbnbs, I felt 100% better. I realize of course that this simple exercise does not work for all matters of the heart and mind.
    • Gratitude — I’m not sure when I learned this, but I know for certain is wasn’t in my home growing up; however, considering all the things that you have in your life to be grateful for, it is a great way to put things into perspective and cheer yourself up.
    • Treat myself to dinner out. Living alone is my choice and I enjoy the solitude; however, a nice dinner out with or without friends, is more often than not, a pleasurable experience.
    • Cut back on alcohol. I find that more than one cocktail or several glasses of wine will interrupt sleep and make me moody during the day. Instead of pouring a full glass of wine, I pour half and sip.

    It’s Not Fair to Other People

    I didn’t have to have someone else tell me that I was sometimes moody. I figured it out on my own. I was tipped off by a question that I am often asked: “Are you okay?”

    My mom was bipolar. We never knew what sort of mood she’s be in; I hated it so much. No doubt that everybody has a bad day, but keeping people guessing about whether you’ll be smiling or biting their heads off, isn’t fair. For me, this is something I should be aware of and do something about. The receptionist at my gym seems to be the most in touch with my moods and she calls me on it. Considering I walk in by 7:00 a.m., it’s a good gauge for me — I can power up the positive energy or take it down a notch; nobody likes a person who is over the top cheerful. Haven’t you had this thought: “What kind of drugs is he on?”

    Clinical Depression

    I don’t know a whole lot about clinical depression and other illnesses/chemical imbalances that cause mood changes. I do know that there are prescription medications that can help. Some people have no choice but to take medication. Meds should be monitored by a professional on a regular basis. I know a few people whose lives were saved by meds.

    I’m trying to keep chemicals out of my body; therefore, at least for now, I’m sticking with the more holistic approach (see above). My particular situation has more to do with unrealistic expectations and being way too hard on myself; neither is uncommon.

    7 Causes of Mood Swings, A. Vogel

    Four Tips to Ease Your Mood Swings, Centerstone

    Quotes about Moodiness (31 quotes)

    Travel

    I am not including my travel schedule because it keeps changing. Rather than frustrate myself with modifications, I’d rather leave it up to the universe. I think the media is sensationalizing the Omicron variant; waiting it out is more prudent. The good news is that I got the Pfizer booster and I’m fairly well protected . . . I think.

    I’m going to stay local for a few days next week and spend some time on the Algarve coast. Looking out on the ocean and long walks at the beach, keep me grounded.

    Alvor, Portugal at dusk

  • Revisiting Happiness

    It ain’t rocket science.

    Today

    Thanksgiving has and will always be my favorite holiday. Why you ask? It’s all about the food, being with people you choose to be with (can’t speak for everyone here), and there are no presents involved. I’m attending a Thanksgiving dinner today with all of the trimmings . . . happiness.

    I witnessed the death of a 17 year old girl this week and I’m experiencing a bit of PTSD. Sleep has been elusive; the tape of how it went down is playing on a loop in my head. I’m revisiting a past blog in order to break the cycle and be more present.

    Thoughts about happiness has been occupying a great deal of my time lately. I’ve been taking stock of my life and wondering the following:

    1. Am I happy? I mean happy most of the time. I know there are degrees of happiness; let’s say moderately pleased.
    2. What makes me happy?
    3. What do I need to do to be happier? Or what do I need in my life?
    4. Is it okay to settle for happy moments versus overall happiness?
    5. Are my expectations reasonable? Why or why not?
    6. How do I assess my own happiness?
    7. Do others interfere with my happiness?
    8. Do I make myself unhappy?
    9. What does being happy feel like?
    10. What were the happiest times of my life? Do I ponder those moments enough?
    11. Who makes me happy?
    12. Why does being happy matter?
    13. How does my state of happiness affect others?
    14. Organic moments of joy versus contrived moments — does it matter?

    I’m not going to go through these questions and answer them one by one. I am instead demonstrating where my head is at this stage of my life and how might create my own present and future. I’ll be sixty in a few months (I’m now almost 63) and whether I like it or not, age factors into my happiness. It’s a milestone that forces you to take inventory and consider your future.

    Health

    Health is a difficult reality. On one hand I want to live as healthy a life as possible, so that I can enjoy a good quality of life; on the other hand there are many choices that I make that bring me joy, however, these choices have a negative impact on my health. For example, my daily 5:00 p.m. cocktail. I usually only have one and I know that by itself, that is not a bad thing, but there are a couple of other considerations:  1) the cocktail contains empty calories with no nutritional value, 2) when I’m with friends, I will give myself permission to have more than one, and 3) I also have a glass (or two) of wine with dinner. I am not an alcoholic and I don’t drink to get drunk. Still, I know that I would probably drop a few pounds if I stopped drinking. Truth is I enjoy that time of day when I relax and have a drink; I enjoy the taste of a cocktail or wine. I have made the conscious decision to continue drinking and monitor my intake; try my best to keep it at two or three portions a night. I have a very similar relationship with food, which also provides for a good deal of my happiness. Most of what I eat is fresh, healthy and delicious; however, there is that ten percent of my diet that I know is unhealthy. Again, one has to know oneself and choose wisely. And get a regular check-up to be aware of what your body can tolerate.

    Note:  It doesn’t help that two of my dearest married friends had cocktails at 5:00 p.m. and ate what ever they wanted and had/have very healthy and long lives. One of them just recently passed away at age 95 and the other is alive and healthy at 90. Of course I know that everyone has a different genetic make-up and many, many other factors contribute to a long and healthy life.

    I have always said that I’d rather live to be 80 and enjoy the bounty of life, then live to be 90 and deny myself much of what I truly love. This lifestyle choice doesn’t work for everyone. I am happy to say that I am almost 63 years old and medication free. I workout five days a week and only suffer the normal aches and pains that come with aging.

    It’s odd how little we talk about our own path. We usually talk about other people and their habits or we generalize about society as a whole. It seems that people are either ashamed of their choices or choose to hide them. I wrote about my drinking habits this week in hopes of getting feedback from my readers. Am I kidding myself? Do my habits seem healthy? Unhealthy?

    Note: I have cutback to cocktails in the evening twice a week. I sleep better, enjoy food more, and spend less on alcohol.

    Home

    The first view is the backside of my apartment and it represents my morning view. This morning, I watched the lunar eclipse. I have a clear view of Faro, the mountains and the morning moon. This view inspires me and reminds me that I am alive and that each day is a new and different day. The morning light is filled with color; most of the year I can watch the sunrise from my terrace. I also have a magnificent view of the Ria Formosa. The Ria is every changing and dynamic.

    The second view is just after the sun has set in the evening. This view is facing southwest from the front of my apartment. This view represents the quiet of the evening — soft, diffused light

    Front views at different times of the day on different days:

    There is a spot in my dining room where I can see both views. Depending on the time of day, every view is different and new. It’s like slowly moving still photographs marking time. I stand in this spot at least once a day to marvel at the light and color. [This has been a great reminder — I cannot take this for granted.]

    Family

    Family can complicate happiness. I love my family dearly and my happiness is all wrapped up in their happiness. I constantly consider the amount of control or the lack of control I possess related to their happiness. I can make my sister laugh or buy my brother a nice present; I can spend hours on the phone with my niece listening to her talk about esoteric adventures; I can daydream about how my mom would take us shopping as children, pass an underwear bin, grab a pair and put it over her head; and I can spend time remembering my four siblings who have left us. A reminder of how finite and fleeting life can be. My family, for the most part, makes me happy.

    Friends

    Good friends know when you are unhappy; they know it before you do. My friends question my emotional state of mind on a regular basis. Thoughts are always churning and when that’s happening I don’t always smile. When I’m not smiling, my friends get concerned and I have to reassure them that everything is okay. There are times when I am not happy — for my good friends, that’s okay.

    I consider my good friends, my family. No doubt my good friends make me happy. Sometimes they make me sad, but I realize that peaks and valleys are a normal part of life.

    Plans:  Travel, Entertainment, Dining and Adventure

    Making plans and executing them is all about creating memories. I read an anonymous quote many years ago that went something like this:

    “We don’t remember days, we remember moments.”

    Those words stuck with me and I have always tried to create moments or cement moments into my memory. Like the time I was mountain biking through a dense wooded area in Mexico. For a few moments I felt as free as a bird and more alive than I had ever felt. It was exhilarating, I remember this happy moment as if it happened yesterday. I have many moments like this one and I recall these moments frequently.

    Since arriving in Portugal, I have been creating these moments as often as possible.

    New: This week I reconnected with a friend with whom I had been estranged from. This individual and I had been close friends for over 25 years. The how and why of the estrangement doesn’t matter, what matters is this: If you love someone and you do not speak because of a misunderstanding or something that happened a long time ago, consider a conversation. It may open a door that could lead to reconciliation. We get to do this thing called life once; why not carry love, trust and hope, rather than bitterness and pain.

    The Future:  Goals and Aspirations

    I have come to realize that no matter how hard I try, there are certain “life concerns” that occupy my mind. When I’m in total control, rested, and have plans for the near future, I can keep these concerns in check and focus on my positive future plans. I also know that there are times when no amount of positive thinking or intervention by friends or family, can help put me in a happy place. When this happens I make myself as comfortable as possible and allow my thoughts to flow organically. The unhappy stuff usually passes pretty quickly when I allow myself to just feel or think whatever it is I’m feeling or thinking. I’ve learned that fighting my natural inclinations only makes me more anxious — know thyself.

    A Funny thing happened on the way home:

    My friend Susan is visiting from Maine for a few days (2019). Unlike most of my friends, she reads my blog (as Bianca del Rio would say, “I ain’t mad at that”). So we were on a train to Tavira and I was talking about what I needed to include in this week’s “happiness” blog.

    “I need to remember to make a note about how happiness directly correlates with being grateful, in my blog.”

    We talked about how fortunate I am to be living this abundant life in Portugal. Not long after this conversation, we were sitting in the backseat of an Uber and the driver took us through a section of Faro I had never seen. The driver was surprised to learn that I live in Faro. She looked back at us in the rearview mirror and she said,

    “Faro is a happy place.”

    What more can I say.

  • More Than a Friend

    . . . She’s Barbara

    This is not Barbara

    Barbara is an older woman, I’m guessing in her sixties or early seventies. I may someday be surprised to learn she is in her eighties, she has a youthful aura. She lives somewhere in the building next to mine. I’ve seen her in several different apartments (from my window), although I cannot tell you which one is hers. My guess is that I see her in different places because she is helping people in her building. I have known Barbara for nearly four years, but I don’t actually know her. We bump into one another almost every day. She is almost always smiling and she almost always has her dog Beckis (sp? pronounced Beck ish) and her cat Toy walking beside her. Neither animal is on a leash; however, they never stray too far. Well that’s not entirely true, sometimes I spot her looking under bushes for Beckish — calling her known, knowing she couldn’t have gone too far.

    I believe Barbara is Portuguese, I’m not certain and I’ve learned not to assume. I know she speaks Portuguese and that she knows no English; not even hello or goodbye (perhaps she’s shy — like me with Portuguese). I can tell she wants to speak English, if only to communicate with me. I’m learning Portuguese so that I can communicate with her. We have a common interest that has formed a mutual affection since the day we met on the street. Barbara’s Beckis is old and moves very slowly. Through our made-up sign language and hand gestures, I have learned that Beckis is about thirteen years old. Toy, a black cat who is never more than three feet away, has terminal cancer; Toy is hand fed and heavily medicated. Barbara cares for these two 24/7; in addition, she feeds every feral cat in the neighborhood. Volunteers take cats in to be neutered, so there aren’t hundreds or thousands. I believe one ear is clipped as a marker, but I’m not 100% sure. The neighborhood cats depend on her and adore her and she never fails them. I’m not a religious man, but I know an angel when I encounter one. Barbara is not looking for awards, prizes or praise, her satisfaction comes from the love they shower upon her.

    When I lived in New York and Maine, because of my early outings with Giorgio, I encountered many street rats — feasting on urban garbage; dropped on the sidewalk chicken bones and pizza. As I walk Paco through the streets of Faro during the wee hours, I never see or hear rats. I’m sure they exist, but I’m also certain that the cats are keeping the rat population under control. We have Barbara to thank for this.

    Four months after relocating to Faro, I lost Giorgio to heart disease. Although he lived three or four years longer than his vet’s expected, I was beyond consolable. Here I was, alone and without a grasp of the language. My friends and family were thousands of miles away, unable to console me in person. The day I put Giorgio down, it was late morning when I left the vet and I was walking mindlessly toward my building. Barbara saw me and mimed a question regarding Giorgio’s whereabouts. I pointed toward the sky and shook my head in despair. This woman who only knew me from the street, reached out her arms and held me as I wept. No words were exchanged, only love, compassion, and the assurance that I was not alone.

    Humans are creatures of habit and pets love routine; therefore, I mostly see the same faces when I’m out with Paco. When Paco sees Barbara his tail wags and he whines cheerfully. She usually calls his name, putting emphasis on the P and the c — sounding something like Pa koo. Barbara almost always lifts Paco high over her head and shouts, “O rei do seu domínio.” For awhile I had no idea what she was saying. One day I mentally noted her words and looked them up when I got home. She is stating that Paco is the king of his domaine. Indeed she is correct, Paco rules. I don’t think you have to be a pet owner to understand why this bond, created as a result of a common adoration, is so real and special. Barbara is my hero. Her warmth, unbridled joy, and loyalty, make her one of my favorite humans. During quarantine, I made sure that I got to see Barbara every day. I believe her approach to life and her altruism are a lesson for all of us. You don’t have to be a world leader or activist to make a difference in the lives of others.

    I’m not sure how much longer Beckis and Toy have left. I find a great comfort in knowing that they have Barbara to care for them as their health declines. I know that they are probably remaining alive partly for Barbara’s sake — dogs and cats no doubt live almost entirely to serve us. I don’t like to think about how their deaths will affect Barbara. I know that I will be there for her, just as she was there for me. Showing up for someone without fanfare or payment, is the essence of human kindness. Be that someone a family member, friend or a person you only see on the street. Barbara has taught me that and so much more.

     “I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.”

    -Jules Verne

    _____________________________________________________

    “Pet was never mourned as you,

    Purrer of the spotless hue,

    Plumy tail, and wistful gaze”

    – Thomas Hardy

  • Filtering Yourself

    Updates and revisions (original blog June 7, 2020)

    Photo by Ariel Prajatama on Pexels.co

    Keeping my mouth shut these days is harder than shoving a passel of hogs into a tiny hog pen . . . at feeding time. I’ve been around for quite some time and I’ve never experienced anything like what we’re seeing today. Division, unrest, widespread racism, anger, pandemics, extreme climate change, and the list goes on. Every generation speaks of times in their lives when major changes caused emotional disruption; however, I would argue that what is happening now, has to be up there in the top five.

    Regardless of the rank and strength of the impact, these are challenging times. If you have a heart and an opinion, you are feeling it with an intensity that can cause quite the verbal eruption. Some would say that speaking your truth is healthy and necessary and others regard it as dangerous. People in both camps exist in my world. I have been notoriously vocal my entire life, except when I’m quiet. So why the contradiction?

    What it Feels Like

    When I have something to say, it sometimes feels like fire in my belly and a vice squeezing my skull. It’s not pleasant and there are very few ways to release the pressure.

    Having opinions is a good thing. Speaking your mind is a way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. It allows others to get to know you better. It’s also a way to remain free, free of thoughts weighing you down. Keeping it all bottled up can destroy your already compromised organs. On the other hand, when you unload something that has been weighing you down, it can end up making the receiver feel burdened by the information.

    The conversation I have with myself about whether or not to speak-up is getting easier as I mature. There was a time when remaining quiet was not even an option; today, I employ this method of self-preservation (silence), more often than not.

    The price that I pay when I’m silent is distance from whomever I decided to stay silent with. Unless it’s a stranger and then there is little or no consequence. I have a neighbor who is inconsiderate and clueless. In the past I would have found a way to share my discontent. Instead, these days I say nothing except hello when I see her. I know that nothing I say will change who she is. Telling her what I think would only make matters worse and cause further problems. But. . . if I ever sell my apartment, this woman is going to hear from me.

    The Process of Deciding When to Share

    I wrote a blog on Racism last year. I know it angered some of the people in my life who strongly disagreed. In the blog I called myself a passive racist; I believe it to be true. I’m ashamed of the number of times I have stood by and listened to people disparage black or brown people and said nothing. At the time I disagreed with what they were saying, but I didn’t want to rock the boat or cause a scene. I was dead wrong. I cannot turn back the clock, however, I can behave differently and call people out when I see and hear racial bias.

    Sharing my political point of view has been difficult because of the current climate. These days it’s difficult to have a civilized conversation about politics. I’ve been told I have no right to share my opinion because I no longer live in the States or that the only reason I’m a left leaning liberal is because I’m gay — both ridiculous opinions.

    What to Share

    Carefully consider what to share with others and when to share it. The last thing I want is for people to say, “There he goes again, mouthing off about something.” That can happen easily if you’re not careful.

    Lately, I wait until I’m truly passionate about something before I put it out there. This seems to be more effective. The response I get on social media can be very telling and I’ve been paying attention. People are tired of politics. Those that feel very strongly, on either side, are not giving up, nor should they. I’m certainly not giving up. What I am doing is being more deliberate about when and how I state my opinion.

    There are many people out there who do not want to hear it. They are in denial about the existence of problems in and with society. To those people I say, ignore me. You you don’t want to hear it, telling me or anyone else to shut up is not going to be effective. If you want to bury your head in the sand, then refrain from coming to the surface.

    Some of us feel, me included, that in order for positive change to happen, we must have the conversation.

    Reactions and Responses

    When you share in a public forum, you must be prepared for backlash. For me, having people agree with me is not necessarily what I want. I enjoy a good debate or argument. Tell me why you feel or think the way you do and back it up with facts, I promise to do the same. I have admitted to being wrong on more than one occasion and I have also been known to change my point of view. In addition to learning something in the process, a good argument can be a lot of fun; stimulating and enlightening. So why are so many adverse to partaking in a good debate? These days it seems that some would prefer to walk away from a relationship, rather than engage in a discussion. I think that’s sad.

    Losing Friends & Family

    Losing people in your life may be the most difficult outcome of being honest about your thoughts and feelings. Before you speak or write or video what’s on your mind, you should consider the toll it may take. Are you willing to alienate people in your life that have meant something to you for a long time?

    I recently had this situation tested in my personal life. My politics have pissed people off for a long time; however, because of where the world is politically today, people are more wedded to their point of view than ever before. It’s unwise and wrong for me to fault anyone for their beliefs, whether I think those beliefs are based on truth or not. My choice is to find middle ground and in the process, save the relationship.

    Going Forward

    I have learned that that staying silent is sometimes impossible. Repressed thoughts or feelings eventually surface; when they do, the longer I allowed them to fester, the more toxic and harder they are to rein in.

    The bottom line is comfort. For me, if I’m not strong in my convictions and resolute about where I stand, I cannot speak out. There are moments when I feel that my time is better spent working on my own self-worth; exercising my ego and feeding my brain. I have to be certain I know what I am talking about before I spout off. I have to fact check myself and do my homework. Then and only then, can I speak my mind.This is the way for me to defend myself, debate and walk away with pride. Self-empowerment is mighty strong and an effective tool for healthy living.

    The pandemic has helped me to be more deliberate about my actions. Forced time alone is not a bad thing. What I do with my time these days is making me happier and more fulfilled. I don’t want to end up alone; unless I filter, that’s exactly what will happen. In truth, I believe the more time you spend on reflection and self-improvement, the more people will want to be in your company.

    I Am Strong | Sick and Sick of It